Advice needed, please.

[thaj]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and engaged for some time. We love each other a lot, but we do tend to argue. We have no money. He also has some psychological problems which he refuses to seek help for. We broke up six months ago, when we were supposed to go on holiday. On the day before the holiday, we'd apparently made up, then he left for work and didnt get there. He'd gone away on his own for a week and wouldnt answer his phone. I thought hed done something stupid.

When he did come back, he refused to sort things out, said it was over, he hated me and the argument had been the last straw.

We started being friends again, (and flirting and sometimes acting like we were together) he moved 150 miles away and lodged with a friend. He was trying to run away from all his problems, debt, and other things.

He rang me one night in tears, saying he needed me and missed me and was sorry for the way hed treated me. (He's been violent to me once, and has always been very selfish, and even threw me out of our home.)

I was very wary, i had just started to get my life back in order after a deep depression after losing him. He convinced me he'd changed though, and i still loved him so much i agreed to give it another go. We had a long distance relationship for a while, then he agreed to move back. He came back (to his mothers) for two days then went back, lying to me about the reason. He said he wasnt happy here, too many bad memories etc. I forgave him, and we continued to see each other on visits. He asked me to move there with him, and although I have two very well paid jobs, and am struggling as i am in debt, i agreed to if things went ok between us. He was fine for a while, but started messing me about, letting me down, not turning up or ringing me. It made more sense to me for him to move, he had a crap part time job in a pub, nowhere to live, while I had my family, jobs and a home. I told him i had changed my mind about moving, as he was not someone i could rely on to support me for a while, was not acting like a fiance to me and I couldnt leave my jobs while being so deep in debt. After many arguments, i finally said i couldnt take any more and told him if he wants to be with me, he can come here just for 2 or 3 months to see if we can make things work. I got him a good job lined up, borrowed some money to start us up again, and said this was our last opportunity to try with the relationship, as i couldnt take any more stress.He refused, with no gratitude for me getting him a job and money and giving him yet another chance. We argued on the phone, and hes since refused to speak to me. I have left him a message saying we are over.

I love him so much, its breaking my heart, he wont even come to a compromise to save the relationship, though he says he loves me, he wants me to give up everything for him when he has nothing to give up where he is. It doesnt make sense, except that he is putting his feelings first as usual. I dont want to lose everything only for him to let me down again. I think Ive been fair. He knows I love him but cant continue the relationship. How do i stop feeling this pain, and get rid of the feeling that ive failed him, because ive tried for over a year to help him with his depression, suicidal threats, temper tantrums etc. I know hes acting like this because he isnt thinking straight, but I still feel like ive lost the most important thing in my life.

[kuhl282000]

Hey Girl

 

Looks as if your are up early. It is hard to sleep with a broken heart. I read your post and I just went through this, and I feel your pain. I must say you are doing all the right things. My concern is that he has some abuse issues, and is not willing to go to see a professional. That is not a good thing, Why? is because anger just gets repressed. And it comes out later on in a fury in different ways. And it will come back out and be pointed at you if you let it. It is called displaced anger, and you can't do anything about it. Because it is not your anger it is his. You did the right thing be not moving. Just try and heal right now, and I'm going to ask you to go to the book store or on line a buy a book. Do not be afraid of the title of the book, just buy it and read it, cost around $13.00. It will really help you in many ways. And you will heal alot faster. The title of the book is called Love Addictions by Susan Peabody. It is a short read paper back and you will see him in the book. But then you will see you in the book also. That is when it gets good. You can love someone with all of your heart, I know I did. But you can't make them love you back. He'll come around when he is ready, but if you are trying to put water under the bridge, he needs to stop putting more garbage in the river. He needs to clean up his side of the street. Get some rest. Life goes o with him or without him. Be strong !!!!!!

 

Warm Regards

Kuhl

[neallo82288]

I know that you love him with all your heart, but there are way too many complications for you to pursue a relationship with him. MOney is the demise of many a good relationship and your would surly be one.

 

now on the abuse thing look at this most and read the moderators response and that will give you the information about whether or not you were in an abusive relationship:

 

www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=16634

 

It is my belief that once a man hits a woman then he will do it again and that my friend will be worse than the first. They abuse will get worse and maybe to the point of your death. Please, stay away from him for your benefit.

 

Good Luck and Best wishes,

Neallo