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What if...


Jeremiah Johnson

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What if finding the right person is like graduating from college? Suppose, for the degree you want, it takes 120 credit hours. You could finish those credit hours in 4 years or 20 years depending on how you pace yourself. But no matter how much time passes, no matter what struggles you go through on your way to your degree, that 120 credit hour requirement is set in stone. You have no choice but to finish every single credit hour (and the correct ones at that) if you want the degree you're going for.

 

I am thinking finding the right person might be similar. Perhaps there's this universal requirement for our own growth and we have to meet it before the right person will come. There are X number of fears to conquer, Y number of goals to achieve, etc. And if we don't conquer those things, then that right person will never come. We can do it fast or we can take our sweet time... but as long as we've still got a credit hour left to take and we keep procrastinating it, the degree will never come in the mail.

 

I suppose this theory requires some sort of belief in God/fate/universal design/etc. But it's a theory in any case.

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Well, I think it's a little wrong to look at relationships like a goal.

 

Think of relationships more like a degree you never really earn. You will always put time and effort into, will always learn new things about the subject, and, even though you'll never reach a absolute "success", you're so interested in the major that you more than don't mind constantly working for it.

 

BTW, could you expand a little more on the meaning of the second paragraph of your post?

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BTW, could you expand a little more on the meaning of the second paragraph of your post?

 

Well, suppose a person wants to work for Boeing Corporation designing jet engines. Boeing has certain things that must be met before they'll consider hiring that person...for instance a degree in mechanical engineering perhaps? I don't know exactly what they'd require. But in any case, they're not going to hire someone unqualified because people's lives are on the line with their engine designs. Not only that, but an unqualified person will feel like complete s**t if their flawed design hurt other people.

 

So perhaps the universe is looking out for us in the same way... we'll never be given the right person until we are fully qualified because it would simply be a disaster otherwise. It hurts to be lonely, but it would be a far worse pain to know you lost the love of your life by some mistake you made because you just weren't ready.

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Well, suppose a person wants to work for Boeing Corporation designing jet engines. Boeing has certain things that must be met before they'll consider hiring that person...for instance a degree in mechanical engineering perhaps? I don't know exactly what they'd require. But in any case, they're not going to hire someone unqualified because people's lives are on the line with their engine designs. Not only that, but an unqualified person will feel like complete s**t if their flawed design hurt other people.

 

So perhaps the universe is looking out for us in the same way... we'll never be given the right person until we are fully qualified because it would simply be a disaster otherwise. It hurts to be lonely, but it would be a far worse pain to know you lost the love of your life by some mistake you made because you just weren't ready.

 

I think I know what you're saying, and I agree.

 

I see a lot of people that complain about not having SO and I think to myself that they just aren't the types of people that should have SO's. I know it sounds harsh but all some people need is a little Self improvement, whether it be attitude, habits, social skills, or superficial stuff, in order to be qualified for a relationship.

 

However, sometimes some persons flaw is another's "adorable mannerism". I guess that is the equivalent of jobs requiring different things.

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I see a lot of people that complain about not having SO and I think to myself that they just aren't the types of people that should have SO's.

 

I know what you mean... I suppose it would be like hearing an 8 yr old ask why he can't help unload the dynamite. They just need to grow a little (or a lot) before they're ready for it.

 

I've felt rather unready myself the last couple years. I still feel like there's a lot I need to do before the right person comes. Sometimes it seems discouraging, but what can we do? Better to wait and get it right than to f**k it up now and never have another chance.

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I know what you mean... I suppose it would be like hearing an 8 yr old ask why he can't help unload the dynamite. They just need to grow a little (or a lot) before they're ready for it.

 

I've felt rather unready myself the last couple years. I still feel like there's a lot I need to do before the right person comes. Sometimes it seems discouraging, but what can we do? Better to wait and get it right than to f**k it up now and never have another chance.

 

Well, as long as you are ready to change for the better, I don't think getting into a relationship would be disastrous. My bf and I grew each other a lot.

 

You definitely have the right attitude about it.

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I have to say that makes a lot of sense.

 

I always tell my husband that I'm glad he and I didn't get together sooner (we were friends for a long time first), because I didn't have my priorities straight or my head in the right place, and I'm pretty sure I would've screwed it up somehow.

 

We fell in love at just the right time...not that I was perfect, but I was in a good place and was working on sorting out a lot of things.

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I believe there are certain requirements and conditions which must be met before the right person enters one's life. One may have to learn patience, move to a new city, buy a home first, get a better job, make some new friends or some other condition in order to meet the right person. For instance, let's say you're supposed to meet through a good friend named Sam. But you don't even know any Sams. So first you'd have to (unknowingly) meet Sam, befriend him or her, and eventually, he/she would introduce to the right person. But if you never took that job in the next town over, you'd have never met Sam, thus you could not meet your soul mate. It sounds complicated, but it's really not. Just a matter of cause and effect.

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If I believed in this type of fatalism (which I don't), the theoretical "number of credit hours needed to "qualify" for a relationship would vary so widely from one person to the next that there's no point in viewing it in that fashion, because the required "investment" for certain people is very small while for others it is more expensive than they can possibly be expected to make. (You'll never convince me that finding a relationship isn't far easier for some than for others.)

 

In my view the proposed theory would be just another way to discount the problems of the unlucky in love by inventing a rationale to point at them and claim it's their own fault. It's analogous to when the wealthy point fingers at the unemployed and say it's their own fault for not wanting to work at a job badly enough, thereby disavowing all of the randomness of life that can positively impact some and negatively impact others.

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the theoretical "number of credit hours needed to "qualify" for a relationship would vary so widely from one person to the next.

 

That's true, it does vary from person to person. Our true soulmate is out there, but the lessons of love are learnt accross not one lifetime but accross many. Karma being the regulator of the path we chose.

 

The question is, if you are now ready for such a relationship, what if your soulmate hasn't "developed" at the same rate you have?

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Our true soulmate is out there, but the lessons of love are learnt accross not one lifetime but accross many. Karma being the regulator of the path we chose.

 

Well, I prefer to look at the gritty reality of the situation rather than trusting to magical, unprovable concepts like "one true soulmate", multiple lifetimes and karma. Karma in particular is something I can't get behind; I see that as more of the same "blame the victim" game I mentioned earlier, as in "if you can't find a relationship, you must be a person who has done bad things and hence doesn't deserve a relationship."

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Well, I prefer to look at the gritty reality of the situation rather than trusting to magical, unprovable concepts like "one true soulmate", multiple lifetimes and karma. Karma in particular is something I can't get behind; I see that as more of the same "blame the victim" game I mentioned earlier, as in "if you can't find a relationship, you must be a person who has done bad things and hence doesn't deserve a relationship."

 

There are many examples in physics of events that happen and that we can not explain. Can you prove the non-existence of soulmates?

 

Past karma will come back, but rather than it being an excuse (the blame society you go on about), it's an awareness and a reason to be the best you can, to treat people fairly. In the greater scheme of things it may not come back in this lifetime but the next.

 

Karma is cause and effect. If you treat someone well, they will more likely smile more at you, that alone will make you feel better. They may like you, hang around you, invite you to meet their friends and you may meet someone special through them. Or, the first time you meet that person you are rude. Chances are they won't smile at you anymore, might tell their friends what an idiot you are and should that special person appear in your life, she may walk by you based on the preconception that you are rude. Karma comes down to treating people well.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't think you can logic yourself into a SO. I think you have to feel them.

 

Its not a list of requirements. People are more complex then that. You could have someone that meets all your 120 credits. All boeings requirements for a mechanical engineer but they just don't feel right to you. No chemistry.

 

Do you make that fit? I tried with my best friend. It was like having sex with your brother. We broke up. Took 8 years but we realized we loved each other but were never going to fall in love.

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I think Doc Holiday makes an excellent point; virtually all of events in our lives have conditions to be met in the first place. If my parents hadn't met, for example, I wouldn't be born. Salacean, I think it's wrong to assume Doc was implying the unlucky or unfortunate were to blame for not finding that kind of relationship, because he had never said that these opportunities were available for everyone (just like how college degrees are not available to everyone).

 

But should anyone be successful in finding that kind of relationship, they must never forget the role their history has played to that point. All sorts of conditions happened to make you and me happen; everything you can imagine is more important than you can imagine in all scopes of existence.

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Salacean, I think it's wrong to assume Doc was implying the unlucky or unfortunate were to blame for not finding that kind of relationship.

 

Of course I didn't mean to suggest that Doc was deliberately suggesting this, and I apologize if I gave that impression. I merely intended to point out that the idea Doc innocently proposed would, through logical extrapolation, lead one to such an implication.

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