yupp Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 ok so me and boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years, and i love him very much. We both are each others first loves and and were both virgins when we first met. Usually everything between us is awesome, normal little arguments but you know things are great. Now on occasion he starts having bad thoughts about my past, no one had ever touched him sexually before me but i had done a few things and i totally regret it. Everybody makes mistakes but he cannot forget it. He always feels so bad about it and feels the need to question me on every detail of these things i always ask him not to talk about. I hate it so much and I dont know what to do to help him forget about, I dont want to break up because when he is not making me feel miserable about my past things are great. I dont know what to do but this is just getting ridiculuos, I find myself randomly feeling horrbile about my past now and having so much regret when he doesnt even bring it up. So I need a solution. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 The past is the past you can not change it, it just is. You live in the today.Do not let the past ruin today. He needs to get over it, it is of NO consequence at all. Link to comment
yupp Posted October 5, 2008 Author Share Posted October 5, 2008 yah i know, but he doesn't get over it. its been going on for like a year and a half. Do you think there is anyhting I can do to help him get over it. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 I would tell him if he does not get over it than he needs to find someone worthy of his view of perfection. No one in the whole wide world is perfect. You had a life before him it is the way it is. Link to comment
Lionel Hutz Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 After two years he should be over it. Besides the older we all get the more and more sexual activity we have. What were you supposed to do, wait for him before you knew him? Hes gonna have to learn to deal with it or hes going to be a lonely guy for a long long time. Link to comment
yupp Posted October 5, 2008 Author Share Posted October 5, 2008 Well see he'll be like, i didnt do anything because i wanted to save everything for someone i love. Which yah that was my plan too but i screwed up, i did some thing with some scumbag who meant nothing to me and i got over it. but its hard to be over it when someone is always bringing it up. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 OK for him to keep drumming at this and being a downer on your esteem says he is VERY unforgiving of mistakes. I would tell him when he is perfect he can judge. Link to comment
arwen Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 Maybe it's time for him to realize that 1. you met after what you did and 2. the likelihood of finding someone who has never done anything before is not very big. If he can't deal with it, i.e. if it's really a dealbreaker to him, he should be consistent and break it off. However, the next person he will be with, may have similar feelings about him because he did things with you. Do you feel you started to 'regret' what you did more with every time that he brings it up? I mean, I have done things I am not particularly proud of, but in the end I learned from experiences, and I can't say that I regret all my stupid mistakes. You are entitled your own road, and there is simply very little that can be done here. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 How did he come to know about your past? Link to comment
yupp Posted October 5, 2008 Author Share Posted October 5, 2008 Well before i met him I still felt a good deal of regret for it, just because i was incredibly disappointed in myself, but that i got over like i forgot about it. but since my boyfriend keeps bringing it up of course i feel worse everytime, i dont know i just want him to grow up and realize i cant change it but no matter what i say he never seems to just let it go. Link to comment
yupp Posted October 5, 2008 Author Share Posted October 5, 2008 he asked me everything when we first started dating Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 And what was your reason for telling him (meaning as opposed to telling him that you were not exposed to STDs/how many partners you had - but without the details)? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 This is his problem and his hangup and there is nothing you can do short of walking away from him that will wake him up to the fact that he needs to leave your past behind where it belongs. Next time he goes on about it you need to be really firm with him and tell him that you can't change your past and if he can't deal with it then perhaps it is better that he finds someone who has never done anything. I would suggest that you make it clear that his harping on something that you can't change is hurtful to you and makes you feel like he is devaluing you, viewing you only in that context and minimalizing all the wonderful things the two of you share together. You need to spell it out just how damaging this is to the relationship and how you relate to him when he is subtly putting you down for what you did in the past. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 I think the matter is more that he will not leave it alone and he is using it to make her feel bad. What she did in her past and how he found out does not really matter. Link to comment
yupp Posted October 5, 2008 Author Share Posted October 5, 2008 because he always wanted to know details and i didnt want to lie, i thought it would be best to be open and honest. Was that a mistake? i have never brought it up because i feel so uncomfortable talking about it Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 Hun you did nothing wrong. It is HIS hang up NOT yours. Link to comment
yupp Posted October 5, 2008 Author Share Posted October 5, 2008 Its just so random, he hasn't brought it up at all for the past couple of weeks but then this morning he wakes up with bad thoughts.. His solution is either smoking( which he normally only does when stressed but i hate it), making me feel bad, or ignoring me. I guess the only way to stay with him and deal with this is to let him keep his distance from me whenever this happens.. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 NO, tell him outright it has to stop. Hiding your head in the sand will not make it go away. If he can not get over it then he should leave. No one deserves to be made to feel like crap for the life they had BEFORE someone else. What were you supposed to have a crystal ball and know he was coming along? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 because he always wanted to know details and i didnt want to lie, i thought it would be best to be open and honest. Was that a mistake? i have never brought it up because i feel so uncomfortable talking about it To me being open and honest doesn't mean in a relationship having to share details that are irrelevant and highly personal - it's fine to have private space from your partner, to explain that and that is not "lying" that's simply choosing not to share based on wanting to do what's best for the relationship. This is not to criticize your choice but I think what happened here was, he asked, true, but in reality, he didn't want to know - he thought he wanted to know, but once he knew details, his imagination ran wild - a typical downside of TMI about sexual pasts. So, now, what you need to tell him is that you realize now that you should have had more boundaries and not told him BUT now that you have - and now that he asked -- it's not fair for him to keep throwing it in your face. I'm thinking that acknowledging that, if you could have done it all over again you would have not told him the details, might get him to a place where he can discuss this in a more balanced way. Good luck. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 NO, tell him outright it has to stop. Hiding your head in the sand will not make it go away. If he can not get over it then he should leave. No one deserves to be made to feel like crap for the life they had BEFORE someone else. What were you supposed to have a crystal ball and know he was coming along? I totally agree. This also sets up a bad precedence for other things that might come along during the course of the relationship. He is disrespecting you by behaving like this...what happens as the relationship goes along and he finds something else about you or something you have done that disappoints him...is he going to behave like this? Nobody should treat their partner like this. He is entitled to his feelings and if this is a major disappointment to him then he has the choice of ending the relationship...not emotionally beating you up over it . Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 While I agree that too much information is not necessary, I really don't think she has anything to apologize for...he asked and in the spirit of good will and good faith, she answered. I don't think it is a matter of setting boundaries...she thought they were close enough and honest enough with each other that she didn't think this would be a big issue. He has turned it into a big issue. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 I totally agree. This also sets up a bad precedence for other things that might come along during the course of the relationship. He is disrespecting you by behaving like this...what happens as the relationship goes along and he finds something else about you or something you have done that disappoints him...is he going to behave like this? Nobody should treat their partner like this. He is entitled to his feelings and if this is a major disappointment to him then he has the choice of ending the relationship...not emotionally beating you up over it . Amen!! Exactly! He will use this approach for everything he does not like. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 While I agree that too much information is not necessary, I really don't think she has anything to apologize for...he asked and in the spirit of good will and good faith, she answered. I don't think it is a matter of setting boundaries...she thought they were close enough and honest enough with each other that she didn't think this would be a big issue. He has turned it into a big issue. I don't think she should apologize just explain that perhaps she would have done it differently but that what's done is done and now he has to deal with it. I think two people can be as close as two humans can be and still have private spaces and enforce certain boundaries even when one partner asks a question that goes beyond the other person's comfort zone -declining to answer because it is too personal/private or would needlessly hurt the other person doesn't make the relationship less close. having said that I totally agree with your advice and would add the pointing out the "boundary" issue could be a good precedent for any other time when one asks the other a question like that. Link to comment
clair Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 hi i just wanna share my story with you guys get your tissues ready.. i havent had much luck with guys in my life alot of bad stuff happen to me i got beaten up put in hospital and lost my baby by one guy aslo cheated on.... i finally found a guy who treats me like a woman i really feel loved my him he will give me hes coat when am cold play with my hair tll i full asleep he is the best i got married with him in sept in hes country as i met him on msn and he lived in london we both went back to algeria when we wanted to get married i came back after 3 months out there to see my kids and family he waited as hes waiting for hes visa. am going back out there in dece till jan to bring my husband home with me we be one happy family. but afew days ago we both spoke what if he didnt get hes visa i would go to algeria and live there with him as i cant see my life with out him.... he has changed my life so much.... but what hurts the most is that my kids will not be comeing with me they want me to go and be with samir as they love him lots and me . but i know i will miss me but on the other hand i cant live without my husband my youngest is nearly 11 and she said mummy i want you to be with your husband he makes you happy then am happy i want you to go and live with him i will go with my dad and live. my son he is 16 he is happy for me and my other girl is 14 she is not saying much i told her to come with me if i have to go but i dont know whta she will do..... the way i see life is that you have one life and before i know it my kids with have there own lifes and be happy anyway.... i will know in dece to jan what i got to do... wish me and my husband luck i will need it thanks everyone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment
teknoise Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 your leaving your children to go live with some dude? oh ya..... Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.