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Can somebody define this feeling for me?


Blithium

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I'm not sure if this is the right place on the forum for this, but either way, I'm not exactly sure what I'm feeling right now, so I wrote this yesterday which basically spilled out everything in my mind at the time and I was hoping somebody could give me some idea as to what it is...my apologies, it's rather long.

 

 

It's uncomfortable for me, as a writer, not to be able to express an emotion in words; however, things in life aren't always comfortable. It's just this feeling I get whenever I'm around her, not that I'm around her much, but my heart just starts racing and my limbs go numb...I can't describe it accuratly.

I suppose it must be some kind of love. Some deep, caring emotion that trancends logical thought. Though, I guess it could possibly be some odd form of loneliness, made manifest by my throbbing heart and numbing limbs.

All I know is that whenever I'm around her, whenever I talk to her, nothing can go wrong. Nothing. No matter how terrible my day was, just seeing her face, seeing her log in, makes it better. If it's love then I guess I'm some kind of freak. I hardly know her anymore, and she practically has a boyfriend anyway. If it's love, then it's hopeless, dangerous, and will only end the friendship I hold so closely to my heart. If it's loneliness, which is understandible, then I'll have to share it with her, and look at all the people I have (granted, it's a short list) that I can share things with. That I can enjoy being around, of course, none moreso than her.

Loving her is wrong, though. We havent seen each-other in YEARS! Besides, she practically has a boyfriend, that Brock guy. He seems nice, and I'm really glad about that. I really don't care if she makes me feel like I'm flying without wings or some other cliche, I just want her to be happy. Happy and safe. I'm perfectly aware that I said the same thing about Victoria, but with Lindsey, I actually mean it, because whenever she talks about how happy she is, I feel happy inside, even when she's talking about Brock.

Though, of course, I could be in denial. I could THINK I'm happy for her, yet really be denying how much I really want her to be with me. That's a possiblity, as well, and of course I want her with me, but first and foremost I want her to be happy, and to enjoy the short, short life she's been blessed with.

Speaking of blessed, if there is a god, it has it out for me in the love department. The only girl I've ever really loved (speaking, of course, of Lindsey) was ripped away from me. Of course it was because she was in foster care and then given back to her parents, but that still hurt a hell of a lot. Why couldn't she have just stayed here forever? I would've been nice to her, always.

Of course, if she were always here, then I would have started taking her for granted...maybe this spoken-god is merciful after all. He/she taught me not to take her for granted, because she won't always be here, then he gave me the chance to talk with her again.

Then we go on and on about how, again, I could just be in denial. I could be telling myself I actually care about her, when in reality, I only want to be with her because of how she makes ME feel, and how much I need her, not for her benefit, or her happiness, or her wellbeing...

Of course with me she'd be guarenteed to be safe...well not guarenteed to be safe exactly, but her boyfriend would always be nice to her. He'd listen and care, and he'd do everything he could to be sure that she could follow her dreams and be as happy as she could possibly be during her life.

But who am I kidding with a pipe dream like that? Lindsey and I together. The simple thought is outrageous and absurd. We live five-hundred miles away, and neither one of us would have an ample excuse to move with our careers of choice. Unless we got into a serious relationship online, then there would be no reason to switch towns over it.

I suppose that destiny just wants us to be friends, and don't get me wrong, she's an amazing friend to have! I'd just feel a lot better if she were going out with say...Carlos, someone I've talked to before, though I guess it doesn't matter much how I feel about things. I trust her judgement though, I believe she'll make a good decision. I just...I really just want to hug her.

Yeah, that's what I really want to do right now. I want to hold her in my arms, maybe kiss her on the cheek, and just cry into her shoulder. That's what I want to do right now. I can't imagine anything that would be more relieving than just crying into her shoulder, and she'd listen, and she'd be there for me to comfort me. That's what I want. I want someone that can comfort me when I need it, Lindsey can do that. She can do that better than anyone I've met, and I can comfort her if she needs it. Well, I don't know if I can, but I can try my best.

I know I should probably be looking to date girls that I can actually date, fall in love with, marry, etcetera, but none of the girls around her do it for me. They're all half-wits, or fake, or * * * * s. None of them care about communication. All I want to do is find someone that can talk with me. Someone I can ACTUALLY sit down and TALK to. Talk about anything at all, talk about nothing for all I care. Just someone I can hold a conversation with.

And someone real. Someone that's actually being themselves rather than trying to be someone cool or something they think I want them to be. Being real is probably the quality I look for most in a girl. I like you, not this person you're pretending to be. I hate it when girls do that, I really do. Lindsey's real. I know that because of what she said when her parents didn't let her go to the homecoming game, how she said it 'pissed her off'. I like it when someone can use words that portray exactly how they're feeling and not really care if they're appropriate or not. It's real.

And even if somehow we COULD get together, who says she'd be happy with me? I mean I'd rather have her happy with Brock or somebody than miserable with me. I can't stand to see her sad or upset. It just breaks my heart; and while it's true that I want her to be with me, it's more true that I want her to be happy, and safe...and if she's happy and safe with me, that's just a bonus.

A thought that has occurred to me before: What if I only care because I feel as though I should? What if I think that, since she's been my friend for so long, I'm somehow obligated to love her? It's a definate possiblity, and all I have is my own mind, and how I'm interpriting my feelings. I don't know what I'm actually feeling, though I'm pretty sure I actually care about, and actually love Lindsey.

After typing this, I am even more confused as to the nature of the aforementioned emotion. Whether it's love or lust or something inbetween. Hope, sadness, anger, jealousy, regret, all of them fit in. Perhaps it's a mixture of every emotion I've ever experienced? Perhaps it's an entirely new emotion that nobody has ever felt before? I don't know that nobody's ever felt it before, but I certainly feel alone.

 

 

So...what do you think I'm feeling? Besides confusion, that is.

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