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When does "I love you" matter?


sahara56

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I have been seeing a girl for about 9 months, which started out as a FWB for about 6 months

 

I never had any intention of dating her. Even though she is attractive, I have never felt any 'spark'.

 

9 months in and we fight over stupid stuff (almost weekly), I rarely have any melting moments when I look at her eyes,etc and we haven't said "I love you" (except a few drunken occasions)

 

It seems to me like it is a relationship out of convenience, and while we get on well, I don't think this is the foundation of something larger. Unfortunately I compare it to an ex, where we couldn't stay apart from the first day we met and acted like teenagers

 

I used to find it weird when my friends were with girls for 3-4 years and hadn't said "I love you" and didnt seem that affectionate, but now I'm in the same position and it's hard to break. I care, but I'm not sure it's enough.

 

Advice?

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Yes, it's exclusive

 

We have had some 'moments' when both of us have been jealous of others advances. I don't like the thought of her with someone else, but I wonder if it's the 'right' thing

 

I also wonder at times if things have an edge because we both haven't said "I love you". Does that make sense?

 

I am anxious to say it because I haven't felt it in the same way I did with my ex who I was more physically attracted to from day 1.

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I really think this post sounds like you are indifferent to her.

 

You obviously care but not enough in my opinion to keep a relationship going.

 

I am a firm believer in Love so why waste the time you have with the wrong one when the right one could be just round the corner.

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I don't know many people who stay in a situation like this for a long time and that would call that a relationship. You don't seem to feel enough for her to be in a relationship- what made that you say it 'started out as FWB'; what is it now then? What changed? I have been in a similar situation, but we explicitly agreed that we were not a couple. It was a nice time, and we were both in a place where we didn't want a relationship. The moment I realized that we were both interested in more, we ended things and went back to being friends. Maybe it's time to evaluate things with her a bit, to see where she stands.

 

And definitely don't say I love you if it's not the case.

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yeah, don't say what you don't feel. if you plan to stick on what you have, make sure you've talked things over and you both completely understand the status of your relationship, or whatever it is that you now have. who knows, she might be expecting something more than what you can offer. it'll freaking hurt her especially if unknowingly she already had a lot of emotional investments in this.

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If it started out as an FWB, you will never treat her right. Break up with her so that she gets someone who will. Women don't understand this. Men naturally are disrespectful to women unless the women stand up for themselves by never, ever settling for an FWB.

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It was definitely FWB for a long time, then for months she clearly was confused about the status, and then broke it off

 

I realised I actually DID like her so was able to commit, but realise that part of this may have been due to familiarity and not wanting to let her go

 

We've tried this on/off, up/down "relationship" for 9 months and as much as she is a fantastic person, I can't say that I am head over heels for her. It's hard to let her go but I have tried a few times.

 

I guess I was wondering despite all of this, we obviously have some connection and does it matter that we haven't expressed it yet? I think I know the answer, I just want people to slap me in the face with it.

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I almost get the feeling that you would SAY it, to MAKE it real. That you'd wish to feel something more than you do, and that saying I love you would in the end make you believe your own words. I think that in some cases, people may be able to fool themselves like that. But also if you convince yourself by saying it, it doesn't make it any else than fooling yourself (and her).

 

I think that FWB are to be seen as temporary things. In rare cases, you could move on to a next level and dating, but I think that it would always feel like you did things in reverse order. I don't want to sound like a preachy mom or something (remember that I did the FWB thing myself!), but I think that having sex, even if it's with someone you are SURE you don't love, can create a sense of intimacy that will make you want more. And if that something more is not there, you end up in the situation like yours. I'd stop sleeping with each other. Continue a friendship. You are keeping each other from finding real love this way.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Yes, I do feel like it's kinda in reverse

 

I want the magical start and then sex, rather than SEX, SEX,SEX for a year, then dating exclusively for 9 months

 

I ended it a few days ago but still feel conflicted, and hate it.

 

Yes, I can live without her, but in some ways it feels deeper than someone I said "I love you" to after a 2 months. There was no infatuation stage with her, just SEX, so it feels like we've jumped stages all over the place and I dont like feeling like I missed out on true love by having to follow some sort of convention (even if I haven't been able to say it yet)

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dude sounds to me like you know deep down this isnt the girl you want to be with anylonger but your holding on because its convenient and you enjoy the company. My ex and i at first were a passionate couple but over time i lost the spark for it and just held on cause i got used to the comfort of having someone. it eventually ended. Looks to me like your heading down that path. Might aswell cut your losses now instead of wasting more time.

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