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hard day and night.


mellybelly

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I'm having a hard time. : (

 

Today started off "fine," but as I was leaving work, my boss stopped me and gave me a paycheck, saying that it was from the end of july...Michael died August 3rd, and then I stopped going to work for a month, so it was my paycheck from right before then. I felt so panicked when she handed me the check. I shoved it in my bag as I walked out to my car and haven't looked at it since. I don't even want to look at it. I know it sounds crazy, it's just a check! It's money,that I earned! But it's from when Michael was still here. When he was still picking me up from work...when we were spending so much time together, when everyday it was him I would rant to about silly work things, or the happy things that happened during the day, and just be so happy that the day was over and we could have our silly fun! The end of july...when we were house searching for our house. I hate this. I just started bawling when I got to my car, which I had been doing every day after work, but hadn't been doing for a few days...and this time it was bad. I feel so frustrated. I was so snappy to my family tonight, because I just feel absolutely insane! And I know in their eyes, I am doing "better" lately, because I'm eating, smiling, doing normal things again...but really...I'm not okay...I'm tired of dealing with this! I'm tired of Michael not being here.....

 

I have a migraine now too, and Michael always knew how to make it better...he was such a natural healer. I would never ask, but he would give me the best massages, do anything to make me feel comfortable. He hated when I was in pain. And now here I am in the most pain ever, feeling so trapped and alone.

 

I want to wake up from this nightmare.

 

Tomorrow will be two months. Two months of this nightmare.

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I am sorry that today was so hard Melly but be graceful with yourself and know that you have people who care about you. Make sure you are reaching out to the people you are close to and just letting them know what you need right now.

I wish i had something better to say, some magical way to make the grief less intense...

Light and love your way

 

As for the migraine, do you have any lavender oil in your house? A cold cloth with lavender on it can be pretty soothing...

 

I am sorry you are enduring physical pain on top of everything else...

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Oh melly, I'm so sorry. These are the darkest days, the reminders of how time has gone by and of a time before it all happened seem to hit so hard.

I use to keep finding receipts in my pockets and I'd look at the date on them and I'd think that was ten days, or whatever, before it happened. It was almost like a count down to it all, a relic from before my life was torn apart.

Anniversaries (I hate to use that word) always hit you hard, I use to just drift through them but as times goes by I can see how they affect me as they approach. Last week it had been 6 months since my birthday (which was a really bad day for me) and that really knocked me about, I didn't see that coming.

 

It's great that you are doing normal things and it's hard because to the outside world it looks like things are "better" but it's okay to not be okay while you are doing this. Right now to not be okay but doing what you have to do to get through the days is the right thing to do.

 

That's all they are, days to get through and today is just another day.

 

My thoughts are with you (((hugs))))

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