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Girlfriend lying about whereabouts...


tihash

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My gf and I met in Jan 06. We broke up in May of this year because she had become distant, and her behavior was getting worse and worse. Back then the final straw was one night her mom called me (she lives at home) worried about where she was b/c she wasnt answering her phone and she told her mom she was with me. Well, she told me she was going with her mom to visit her grandmom in the hoispital. She was busted, and it turned out she had been hanging out at starbucks (according to her and I believe it) with her female friend.

 

We were broken up for a month. No contact. I was miserable, and she apparently was fine. I re-contact her, and we got back together.

 

First few weeks were okish, then it devolved into the old patterns. But honestly, I really did make the changes I said I had: i was more nice, less demanding, more willing to give her whatever free space she needed, etc. She, however, slipped into the old pattern of cancelling dates (more cancellations than actual dates), making promises and breaking them, etc.

 

We have been back together about 4 months.

 

Lately, I have been having weird feeling about what is going on. She tells me she loves me, and we will have a great night together, then the next day she starts a fight out of thin air, I try to just resolve it and move on, and she uses that as a basis to be "mad" at me for a couple of days and cancel those plans we had, etc.

 

Back in the day, pre-breakup, and before she became distant, we used to see each other for 5 or 6 days a week. And it was quality time. Now it is 2 or 3 days a week, and usually just a booty call for an hour (not my choice, btw).

 

Monday was a good night. She was nice and all, even though we only saw each other for 45 min because she had to get home to watch Dancing with Stars. Tuesday she said she needed a night off, and said we could spend Wed and Thur nights together.

 

Wednesday she has a day off from work, and tells me she feels sick (she uses being "sick" a lot for why she cant see me, but it is always things like headache or stomach ache that are subjective) so she is going to stay home sick. I knew in my gut something wasnt right. I called and no answer.

 

I did something you will probably not agree with, and I checked her email. There was an email from her to her mom at 10pm saying she just got home from school and blah blah blah. Her mom goes to bed at 9pm, and gets home from work at 6pm. From the email, I know she wasnt at home during those times. No question about it. And she is not in school this semester. She is lying to her mom about being in school.

 

So i called her and made up a lie. I told her I was worried and went by her house and her car wasnt there. She said she had left briefly to go to the supermarket for Pepto Bismol. I told her I drove by again after the gym and it still wasnt there. She said she was at the supermarket for like an hour. I asked her if she was seeing anyone else, and she yelled at me and hung up.

 

Anyhow, she would not speak to me again last night. She texted me how disappointed she was in me for driving by her house, and totally turned everything on me.

 

She has dug her lie deeper by telling me via text message that when she got home from the supermarket she told her dad her car was making a funny noise and maybe he test drove it, explaining why it was still gone hours later.

 

I will forgive her for lying if she just agrees to be honest in the future (and if she wants to cancel just to cancel and not make fake excuses) and tells me honestly where she went and with whom last night.

 

She has dug her heels in. Do i tell her about the email? What do I do?

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People who routinely lie in order to avoid confrontation or do whatever they want don't just stop lying because you ask them to. It is a fundamental part of who they are and a tool they use to get their own way. It is a very hard habit to break, and frequently can't be broken without therapy.

 

She lies all the time, and about everything from small things to large things. You need to think about her character, and what this means. she is very comfortable living a double life, and lying to everyone close to her. So there is a lack of character there that i'm not sure you want to have in a partner.

 

It really sounds like she doesn't want a fulltime relationship at all if she is only seeing you an hour or two a week. She just doesn't want a boyfriend (no matter what she says), she wants a date. So i just don't think she really is a good candidate to take seriously as a girlfriend.

 

You can't make her tell the truth, and you can spend your life spying on her to try to uncover the latest lie. Do you want to live your life this way? And i don't think an ultimate to quit lying will work. She may say she will, but probably just go back to lying since it is an everyday habit with her.

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She wasn't even missing you after 2 years of dating...Hmmm she doesn't sound very into you. And she definitely sounds like shes cheating on you.

 

From my experience...A woman thats going to lie to her parents is going to lie to you.

 

Also from my experience a woman that lies about her whereabouts and always asks for space(even though you give her plenty) and lies to cancel plans with you and then goes out anyways with other people is a cheat.

 

And if she isn't a cheat she's still being way disrespectful...Find someone else.

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I guess the advice (even if not put in these words) is... dump her.

 

I do love her, though. But I think I am in love with the girl I knew in 2006. She never would have lied to me. The girl she has become is a very disturbed person.

 

I sent her a couple of texts this morning, basically saying I love you, and I know in the past I had made you feel pressured to see me when you didn't feel like it, etc. But if you want a night off just say so, and just say you're hanging out with Julie or Megan or whoever. So please just put my mind at ease because I keep worrying you might have been with a guy last night... just tell me where you were and we can move on from this and put it behind us and I won't dump you but you need to be honest now.

 

She replied with (in all caps): YOU"RE INSANE!! LEAVE ME THE F--- ALONE!

 

If I leave her alone, she will calm down and in a few days be nice and say she misses me, and if I never say anything about this again, she will drop it.

 

However, I am thinking about letting that happen and when I see her in person next (so she cant hang up on me since she is in person) confront her and tell her I read her email.

 

Really, all I want is for her to be honest with me. I guess I am stupid for thinking this can change. Or that she will change...

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Granted you shouldn't need her to validate your feelings of distrust. But seriously this girl is flaky and i'd have feelings of distrust also...That was a little rude to respond in that manner though.

 

Do you really want to be worrying about this chick being out with men for the remainder of your relationship?

 

She sounds like a selfish nitch

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I appreciate everyone's thoughts... but HighlyUpset, what do you mean by that?

 

I mean she walks all over you. I don't like the way she treats you. She lies, she's completely dishonest, and she doesn't even seem like she's into you. You will forgive her if she just agrees to be honest in the future? Her repeated lying shows a complete lack of respect for you. I can't see her just magically stopping because you asked her to.

 

She's completely shady. If you wanna believe she was at Starbucks with a female friend all that time, that's your business. I would never believe that story, not ever. Unless she's like 15, and her mommy said she can't be friends with that particular friend. I don't see why she would lie to her mom about going to Starbucks with a friend, AND lie to you about being with her mom. That makes NO sense.

 

And again last night- lying to both you and her mom about her whereabouts? And then when you called her out for lying, she gets mad and tries to flip it on you? That's what cheaters do.

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If you allow her to make all the rules in your relationship you can't complain about how the game is played.

 

Sorry but she sounds selfish and disgenious. You have a "gut feeling" about all this and you are trying to rationalize the behavior.

 

I am usually pretty forgiving, but based on what you detailed here, there doesnt seem to be the same level of committment for her that you are expecting.

 

Continue this relationship if you can stand the game, as outlined by her.

 

Good luck.

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Signs she is not faithful
Signs she is not faithful

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