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Slagar

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My life right now can pretty much be summed up as afraid and depressed.

 

I have no job, no degree... I have proven skills as an web developer/IT guy, but it's not what I want to do with my life; it feels like misfortune and that I just ended up here.

 

I'm the 4th child of 5, so I never got much limelight. The things I wanted to do were always turned down, or met with "we did that already with the other kids". To save money, my family never went anywhere as a family, or did anything together. My dad was a really stern, no-nonsense father, and very abusive when I was still at home; the older siblings had largely gone off to do their own things when it started to get really bad... meanwhile the younger one, who is significantly younger, seems gets nearly everything he wants.

They say depression is anger turned inward, and I couldn't come up with a better way of putting it... when you really have no choice but to take it, you can't hold that anger in, you have to let it go somehow or you're going to pay for it. As a child, my dreams were outwardly discouraged and I was informed I was stupid for thinking such things by the multitude of people in charge in my life. I learnt to keep my eyes to the floor and keep quiet, speaking only when spoken to, to avoid confrontation as much as possible. My older, pushier siblings also used this nature of mine to their advantage, because no matter what I want out of my life, everybody knows better.

 

My mum worked in the night when he is at home, to minimise it, but it never ceased. I am the only one who will listen to her, so she always unloads everything on me, every time she sees me, regardless of what I'm doing, regardless of how busy I am. She also gets very angry and lets me have it if I try to stop her. Even so, I haven't really the heart to tell her to go away.

 

To survive when it got bad, I isolated myself... I needed something. Computers were that thing, inspiring an addiction, which I'm okay with managing nowadays, but perhaps only because things are... manageable nowadays. I have never loved the things, yet I'm quite knowledgeable with them because it's just worked out that way.

 

So when school ended, I started studying computer science, because my older brother (loves computers) always pushed me in this direction, but also, when school ended, that's all I really had to go on.

 

Eventually I moved out, thinking "freedom"... into a house with just my older brother, who also got me hired at his work as a web developer - even though I didn't want it, and told him so, he managed to push me into it because he'd already told his boss I wanted to work there.

I learnt a lot, but more fool me. Life was hell. My brother as my boss, at home, at work... addiction flared. After a year and a half I finally managed to quit at my brothers' work...

The only thing keeping me sane was working as a web developer for a non-profit organisation, through friends of my friends.

 

Avoiding him at home, and finally feeling a little freedom to live my life. Wrong. My marks were abysmal at college - I got suspended. My family still naively think I'm studying.

 

It's been quite a few months... I'm just wasting my savings away. I have no job, no qualification. I've never traveled anywhere, never really done anything on my own. I'm not even comfortable doing everyday life stuff on my own, which seems really sad. Fear is huge.

 

This isn't my whole life story - things weren't always this way. I have had good times, but my family were rarely [read: never] involved, and all that stuff... it's so dense, it just stays with you, you know. You can't just expect to forget it overnight. Nowadays I have little to excuse myself, aside from still being the family b****. But it's a picture of how I feel right now. Scared and depressed.

 

I need to turn my life around, find that child that once had so much hope. And I think I can only do it if I leave town. I went to a counselor for a while secretly, and she encouraged the idea of leaving. But for someone that's done very little on his own, it's a huge thing.

What's left of my soul begs me to grab a spare set of clothes, and just leave right now. Leave town, leave computers, leave it all... before the window closes completely. Help myself, or forever suffer. But I hesitate... I don't know if I can do it, or if I should...

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