Torn between two friends/don't know what to do

[star_brite]

I have 2 friends, which are a couple, they have been together for a long time. I met both of them about the same time and are really close to both of them. Well, the guy in the relationship has been saying some really mean things about his girl, my other friend. He was talking to some other friends of ours and he was talking about relationships in general and then he starts to mention how his girl is a snake and how no matter how much you have sex, it won't bring about love. There have been other times that he has disrespected her, to her face and behind her back. Like when he is talking on the phone to her, he will make hand signals like she is talking too much and she won't shut up. He has made her push a golf cart when it stopped working instead of him getting out and doing so. I feel like she has no respect for herself and feels like she can't make it without him because she has been with him for so long. I have talked to him about the way he treats her and the things he says about her, but then he tells me that she is important to him. I don't understand how he can treat her so bad but he treats me and our other friends with so much respect. I care for them both, and I don't want to see either one of them hurt but I don't like the way he treats her. Should I tell her what he does and says when she is not around or should I just stay out of it? I feel like I wouldn't be much of a friend to her if I kept quiet. I don't want him upset with me if I talk to her and tell her to be strong. My overall opinion is that he doesn't love her he just feels comfortable with her and he has made a commitment to her but to me that is cheating her out of true happiness. Just need help on what to do?

[QTpie87]

dude he is mean to her. is he nice to anyone? i mean you don't do that to someone that you are in a relationship with. she really needs to realize that she is better then that and that there are plenty of guys out there that would treat her better.

[star_brite]

yes, he is nice to everyone that he likes. He wears his emotions on his sleeves. The thing about it is, he is so caring and loving, he would go out of his way to help a friend. Maybe that is why I'm so torn on what to do.

[QTpie87]

well you could still be friends with him, you know, but this girl is getting treated really badly. i mean if he is so nice to everyone, then why would he be in a relationship and then treat her like that? he needs to stop using this girl.

[Frodo Baggins]

Relationships are built on respect, if he can't bring himself to respect her even when apart, then he simply is no good. If she takes his outright abuse, she'll more than likely take the abuse he gives her behind her back as well, but if you feel you need to tell her how he speaks about her behind her back, by all means, help her in the way you see fit. But remember, try not to be too aggressive against him when you talk to her, it might spark the need in her to defend him and that would defeat the purpose.

[QTpie87]

thankyou for saying that frodo, that is exactally what i meant, only you said it much better.

[passionforliving]

Personally I don't think jumping to conclusion about abuse and self respect without knowing the whole truth. Sometimes one partner may act tough and insensitive towards the other but as long as THEY have the right balance to maintain their own relationship the way THEY see it, it is not our business to butt in, unless you see a real danger there.

 

I've encountered many friends with odd relationships but bottom line will always be this - while one of them complain endlessly about the other, in actual fact, s/he loves the partner and can't do without. We may see some actions as rude and callous but many times, the other concerned party knows the characters of her loved one and is not bothered by such actions because deep down she knows she is loved.

 

Just my opinion because I have learnt sometimes what you see is not what you think it is. As a friend, you can approach him and ask for his clarifications.

 

passionforliving