chopperboy Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 I've recently told my ex (the dumper) to leave me alone, because she is continuing to hurt me. I have a question for all of you regarding what I said to her. Was there a better thing I could have said or done? Read on... I've been dumped (twice) by my ex. (The back-story is in my previous posts.) I tried to go N/C after the second time in order to maintain my sanity, only to have it repeatedly violated by her. She didn't want to get back together, but was trying to make me her "friend", which happened to include her needing to tell me the latest guy drama in her life. I tried to be her friend for a while, with some intent to feel out what, if anything, she still felt for me. After some insensitive moves on her part, I decided that I was being strung along by her, and that her feelings for me were definitely short of love. Actually, she said that she "loved me as a friend". (Yeah, we all know what that means.) So... I finally told her to leave me alone. What I said to her is that I am still deeply in love with her, and that her current actions are hurtful to me, and detrimental to my healing. I told her that her offer of friendship is short of what I want, and that she could only be in my life if we both loved each other, which didn't appear to any longer be the case. I wanted her to know that she can come back, but that the only way back is true love, should she find that in herself. Otherwise it's goodbye for good. That was it. N/C is on, this time with a hard initiation by me. But, here is my question... Should I not have said I still loved her? I want this girl to really feel free. She has a lot of growing up to do, and I don't want her feeling like I gave her any ultimatum. I also don't want her thinking that I'm holding my love for her over her head, and trying to manipulate her with it. But, part of me hopes that she will really think back on, and maybe appreciate what we had. I am not holding out any hope anymore, but that would be a nice surprise of an outcome - I do still love this girl. Would there have been anything better I could have said? Any better way to have left it? I know it's too late, and what's done is done, but I'm asking this for my own enrichment. Those of you that have faced a similar situation, what did you say to your exes on having to push them away? Link to comment
Lilia Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Umm...dont u realize what u typed is ur own realization? U already know the facts! In saying u still love her is no problem...only if u keep letting her use u & walk all over u when she feels like it! LEAVE HER ALONE! If anyone can talk about other guys to sumone they were once in a realtionship with then obviously they dont love u the same! I also find it very disrespectful! Tell her to get her guy advice from one of her girlfriends! Unbelievable for her to do that... Link to comment
Lilia Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 P.S. Avoid her at all costs...if she calls u...tell her ur busy...if she starts askin y are u avoiding her tell her u dont need her "friendship" or that u've met sumone else! Remember she's only gonna do wat u allow her 2 do..good luck! Link to comment
luli Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. The key now is to really, really stick to the NC. She knows clearly where you stand: you told her that you'd be open to her if she is ready to be truly committed to you, but nothing short of that. This does not mean she won't still try to string you along -- after all, she has had some success it seems in the past doing that! But if, by your actions (refusing to respond to anything other than a complete commitment), you show her that you're serious, then she really only has two choices. One of course is to make that commitment. Unfortunately, the other will be to eventually give up on pursuing you (since it reaps no rewards). It seems most likely that the second is the course she'll take, which is going to be incredibly painful and hard for you (I know this because I've been through it, and it's hard not to let someone stoke the fires a little, because it feels like they're still in love with you and that is reassuring.) In the end, though, she'll either figure out that she's lost you for good, and then make a real decision about coming back, or she will just move on (in which case, hard as it is to accept, you really didn't want her anyway). I should add that, from another one of your posts, I would have to say that she seems incredibly, incredibly selfish. To talk to you about other guys when she knows you are in love with her is just heartless and cruel, and shows how thoroughly confident she is in your love for her. A little tough love (true NC) to her, and greater love for yourself (not letting her be so cruel to you) is in order. Link to comment
lapseinjudgement Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 ugh buddy i feel for you because i have gone through the same process. I was dumped she wanted to be friends and i tried but its to hard. Personally i think you (at least by your description) handled it very well. You explained to her your feelings and that you werent just dropping off the face of the earth to spite her. If your like me you will spend a lot of time asking if there was any way to handle any of it better but some times you really just have to take a deep breath and know that you said and did what you could. Its in her hands now so begin what you said you needed this time for. Your healing. Like ive said to you before in other posts hang in there my friend. Link to comment
chopperboy Posted September 30, 2008 Author Share Posted September 30, 2008 You're all so right. I am second-guessing myself and over-analyzing every minute thing that happened, but I really feel that in pushing her away I did the right thing - how I did it may not have been best, but, yes, it was honest (or, maybe it was best after all). Whatever the case, I am going to stick to N/C, and do my best to resist her attempts to break it. I'm serious about needing to heal. This relationship needs to be written off as a loss. It's done. Link to comment
lapseinjudgement Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 You're all so right. I am second-guessing myself and over-analyzing every minute thing that happened, but I really feel that in pushing her away I did the right thing - how I did it may not have been best, but, yes, it was honest (or, maybe it was best after all). Whatever the case, I am going to stick to N/C, and do my best to resist her attempts to break it. I'm serious about needing to heal. This relationship needs to be written off as a loss. It's done. you said it man... really write that last part on your wall where you can see it every day and just remind yourself you've got better directions to go in your life then backwards. Link to comment
Lilia Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Great for you! If its like this now, (sadly as I kno from life experience) it seldom will get better! She crossed the point of no return & she blatantly stated she wants ur friendship only & proved this 2 by talkin bout other guys to you! U deserve sumone to respect u! good luck! Link to comment
girl68 Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Good for you. It's done. Leave it don't ponder now. GOOD JOB! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 I think you did the right thing because you can now walk away knowing you did everything you could....she knows exactly where you stand and you will never have to worry that perhaps she didn't know how much you cared. Don't have any regrets for putting it all out on the table...regrets should be reserved for the people who keep their feelings hidden and will thereforee never know what could have been had they opened up. You put it all out there and can now walk away truly free. Link to comment
atelis Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 chopper i think you went about it perfectly. you stated the facts and didn't twist them or distort them. there is nothing wrong with telling her you love her if in fact you do. what she does with all that information is up to her. you are not manipulating someone if you are telling them the truth and how you feel Link to comment
chopperboy Posted October 1, 2008 Author Share Posted October 1, 2008 ugh buddy i feel for you because i have gone through the same process. I was dumped she wanted to be friends and i tried but its to hard. ... If your like me you will spend a lot of time asking if there was any way to handle any of it better but some times you really just have to take a deep breath and know that you said and did what you could. Thanks for the reassurance. I've followed your history as well, and I know you've dealt with much of the same stuff. Yeah, the second-guessing ourselves really makes for a nice tailspin into reliving that sadness and loss. I am trying to short-circuit that thinking as much as I can. You're right, I did all I could at the time, and it's best to just let go. Don't have any regrets for putting it all out on the table...regrets should be reserved for the people who keep their feelings hidden and will thereforee never know what could have been had they opened up. You put it all out there and can now walk away truly free. This is a good point, CAD. Telling the truth always feels best in retrospect. In time, I'm sure that I will feel right about choosing to just say it all. you are not manipulating someone if you are telling them the truth and how you feel Thanks. You're right. Link to comment
l9grl Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 I think that what you wrote was honest and brave. Stick to your decision and honor your choice by not contacting her again. My gf just broke up with me for the second time by pulling a disappearing act. I feel your pain. Link to comment
Lugh Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 you did the right thing, i tried to be friends and i thought that she did as well, anytime we spoke she said that she wanted to be friends and that she cared about me, unfortunately actions speak louder than words and the friendship was all one way, her never texting or taking days to send one sentence replies looking back now i should have seen the signs very early but i always wanted to see the best in her. i wasted a lot of time and energy and healing time as well, i wish that i had stayed NC all along and let her go alot earlier than i did. its best to get out early , lay your cards on the table and move on as you have done. i wish you well. Link to comment
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