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I'm One Day Over


hitdog

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I planned on killing myself yesterday. I had already planned it out. I'd written my letters, which now sit on my night stand. I'd bought the instrument I was going to use. I'd said my goodbyes as best I could without alerting anyone to what I was going to do. I had everything settled, except the fear. I was still too afraid to do it. So, now I feel like I'm on borrowed time. The way I see it, things will naturally work themselves out, one way or the other. Part of me want's to be pulled away from the edge, while the other wants to be pushed over. I guess that's why I'm here. The part that wants to be pulled away is grasping at whatever is within reach. I can't go to my therapist with this because I've only just begun seeing her and she'd definitely have me hospitalized if she knew this. I tried calling a hotline and had a really bad experience and almost wound up getting hospitalized so this is my Alamo.

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Your one day over. Dont think about it. Just work on today. What about checking yourself into a hospital for a week or so? Around here, if you check yourself in, you can check yourself out when you're ready. BUT if someone else checks you in, you cant leave until they discharge you. There's a BIGGG difference. I almost checked myself in once. I was in a seriously deep depression and I couldnt find my way out. I did, thanks to my mom's support and help, but it was hard.

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I was hospitalized once before, involuntarily. It was after I attempted when I was 16. They kept me for a month at a regular hospital in the psyche ward and transferred me to a psych hospital for another 2 months. I never want to go through that again. I'm trying hard to just deal with this on my own.

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hugs - i am glad you are still here. you've done really well.

 

do you think maybe you can find a hospital you would like to stay at? that might be good.

 

what are you unhappy about in your life? maybe if you want to share, we can make a plan of alternatives and ways to get out of your situation?

 

glad you are still with us! stick it out, ok?

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I feel like a gambling addict who always thinks he's got a "system: this time. I decided to push my date back to the Monday after this upcoming. That should give me enough time to resolve myself. I can't find any reason not to. I've already pushed out most of the people closest to me, so they won't be too hurt as I self-destruct. I do feel more peaceful having a time line, though. I don't have to fret over tomorrow as much. Actually, when I think about it now, I feel a lot better knowing the end is coming.

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I feel like a gambling addict who always thinks he's got a "system: this time. I decided to push my date back to the Monday after this upcoming. That should give me enough time to resolve myself. I can't find any reason not to. I've already pushed out most of the people closest to me, so they won't be too hurt as I self-destruct. I do feel more peaceful having a time line, though. I don't have to fret over tomorrow as much. Actually, when I think about it now, I feel a lot better knowing the end is coming.

 

The people that you have "pushed out" aren't really pushed out.

 

My boyfriend killed himself when I was 19. My life forever changed. We were broken up at the time and yes, he "pushed me out" at the time. Yet I was shattered beyond what I can put into words.

 

Please rethink this plan. It's not worth it. Not only will you take your life, but you will suck the life and soul out of every single person who loves you.

 

They become the walking dead.

 

Keep posting.

 

~Allie

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Let's think through this. Let's pretend that suddenly you were dead. Suddenly you will seem to have all the freedom. Freedom from your pain, your sorrows, and whatever problems are troubling you. But the thing is, although you are no longer experiencing any pain, but you no longer have any power to act at all, since you are now dead. In others words, you're not really free at all.

 

There is a better way. Free yourself from all your troubles, but retain the power to act. It is possible. How? In your mind only, kill your "old" self. Wipe out all the things you hate about your life. You have the power, you just need to use it. Your pain? Gone. Your sorrows? History. Your problems? They simply don't matter anymore. Your old demons? Buried. Your "old" self is gone, killed, destroyed. Just like that. Make this mental shift at the very core of your being.

 

What is left? The "new" you, who is now truly FREE. Without all the burdens you had before, you can now do ANYTHING, and go ANYWHERE. The chains have been lifted. You can book yourself on a flight to anyplace in the world. The entire planet is within your reach! You can learn and see things you never thought possible before.

 

You now have the power, starting right now, to do all the right things which you couldn't do before, because of your burdens. A good place to start? Help others. Giving your time, and helping others, is the shortest and clearest path to happiness.

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Let's think through this. Let's pretend that suddenly you were dead. Suddenly you will seem to have all the freedom. Freedom from your pain, your sorrows, and whatever problems are troubling you. But the thing is, although you are no longer experiencing any pain, but you no longer have any power to act at all, since you are now dead. In others words, you're not really free at all.

 

Why do some people keep hoping they will be freed from their pain when they commit suicide? You can't be freed from darkness by trying to escape from it. There simply is no quick fix. You only make things worse by taking your own life. It's up to you though, we can only give you advice. What you do with it is your responsibility. Don't worry though, there's always a way. Take baby steps.. & yes like Allie said: keep posting please.

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If I'm dead then I'm gone. I'm nothing. I'm no longer thinking or feeling or existing. How is this not freedom? I'm going to die one day anyway, so in the long run what does it even matter if it's two Mondays from now or 20 years from now? What ever people may feel bad will feel bad either way. From what I've seen there really is no "happy" way to die. I'm just tired of getting up each morning to face another another day of failure and absurdity. I couldn't even kill myself right the first time I tried it. I just got sick, found out, and locked in a psych hospital for 3 months. I'm only here now because I was too much of a coward to go through with my plan this past Monday.

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The people that you have "pushed out" aren't really pushed out.

 

My boyfriend killed himself when I was 19. My life forever changed. We were broken up at the time and yes, he "pushed me out" at the time. Yet I was shattered beyond what I can put into words.

 

Please rethink this plan. It's not worth it. Not only will you take your life, but you will suck the life and soul out of every single person who loves you.

 

They become the walking dead.

 

Keep posting.

 

~Allie

 

I'm sorry you went through that. I think at his point my girlfriend would be happier to not have me around. I've already pushed her as far out as I can. I don't have too many ties to that many people fortunately. When I'm gone, as selfish as it may sound, I won't be aware of the after effects anyway. I'm seeing to it that the people who did matter to me in life will benefit, in someway, from my death. Whether financially or materially. I'm doing everything I can to make sure that I don't just hurt them one last time but I help them one last time as well.

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Don't try to kid yourself. Your girlfriend and your friends and family won't be happier if you do this. Believe me.. I've been there.

 

I know some people experience unbearable overwhelming pain... and hurt.. and nothing they do seems to change how they feel. Of course, feeling this way can make one hopeless, helpless.. and then it's impossible to see any other way through it. I'm sure you wouldn't be seriously contemplating suicide unless you have exhausted all other ways of coping with this pain and hurt. I know it might seem like the only way right now... but it's not. Please try to exert some self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. Would you ever kill someone you love? I doubt that. Please get rid of that instrument that you were planning on using. You don't need it.

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I'm sorry you went through that. I think at his point my girlfriend would be happier to not have me around. I've already pushed her as far out as I can. I don't have too many ties to that many people fortunately. When I'm gone, as selfish as it may sound, I won't be aware of the after effects anyway. I'm seeing to it that the people who did matter to me in life will benefit, in someway, from my death. Whether financially or materially. I'm doing everything I can to make sure that I don't just hurt them one last time but I help them one last time as well.

 

YOU can't be replaced with financial or material things.

 

Trust me...they will be shattered and devastated.

 

PLEASE rethink this.

 

There is no greater cross to bear in life than that of of a Suicide Survivor.

 

I know because I am one. You never recover.

 

~Allie

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There is a better way. Free yourself from all your troubles, but retain the power to act. It is possible. How? In your mind only, kill your "old" self. Wipe out all the things you hate about your life. You have the power, you just need to use it. Your pain? Gone. Your sorrows? History. Your problems? They simply don't matter anymore. Your old demons? Buried. Your "old" self is gone, killed, destroyed. Just like that. Make this mental shift at the very core of your being.

 

I planned on killing myself yesterday.

 

I gave similar advice to someone before, though I don't know how effective it is. Why don't you just disappear? I mean, take a train to the other side of the US, or just take a plane to Eastern Europe or something...don't tell anyone you're going, so to them you'll be effectively dead after some time, but you'll have a new shot at life...

 

get rid of that damn weapon, somebody could get hurt unintentionally...

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Killing yourself right now in a state of deep depression is an act of perpetuating suffering. Dying of old age or in an accident doesn't carry the same bad-karma-generating intention. Believe it or not, it doesn't matter, it's your game.

 

Make good use of what you have and what you are.

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If I'm dead then I'm gone. I'm nothing. I'm no longer thinking or feeling or existing. How is this not freedom? I'm going to die one day anyway, so in the long run what does it even matter if it's two Mondays from now or 20 years from now? What ever people may feel bad will feel bad either way. From what I've seen there really is no "happy" way to die. I'm just tired of getting up each morning to face another another day of failure and absurdity. I couldn't even kill myself right the first time I tried it. I just got sick, found out, and locked in a psych hospital for 3 months. I'm only here now because I was too much of a coward to go through with my plan this past Monday.

 

Even though we'll all die one day, this does not mean that what we do in this life has no value. We can do a lot that has enduring value, well beyond the scope of our own lifespan. Look at the great authors of the world, whose words still echo in our schools and in our libraries, even after centuries. Every day we are alive gives us one more day that we can create positive change in this world.

 

Yes, the world is absurd, and full of problems. Since you recognize this, why not try to change it? You are obviously skilled in writing. You could do quite a lot to make the world a less absurd place, and turn your days of failure into days of accomplishment. By writing letters -- to government, to agencies, even to even to others on the internet, you can create positive change in the world, without the need to even leave your house. Why not try it?

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I do feel more peaceful having a time line, though. I don't have to fret over tomorrow as much. Actually, when I think about it now, I feel a lot better knowing the end is coming.

 

I think the reason you feel better when you have a plan, is because you are back in control. You know what you are going to do, and that gives you some peace of mind. Without a plan, maybe that feeling of being helpless, or trapped, or depressed seems endless and unbearable.

 

What if you made a different plan?

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I gave similar advice to someone before, though I don't know how effective it is. Why don't you just disappear? I mean, take a train to the other side of the US, or just take a plane to Eastern Europe or something...don't tell anyone you're going, so to them you'll be effectively dead after some time, but you'll have a new shot at life...

 

get rid of that damn weapon, somebody could get hurt unintentionally...

 

What's funny is I thought of doing exactly that this summer but I changed my mind for whatever reason. It wouldn't matter anyway. Where ever I go I'll still be there.

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why not go for an adventure? do something exciting? in my travels, i met people who quit their jobs, sold everything they had, and just went and traveled the world, going to museums, laying on the beach. why not? life has a lot to offer...

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I got to a point in my life where I hated everything. I hated my job, my home, the town I lived in, I resented myself because it was my fault that I was stuck there. It just went on and on. The best thing that I have ever done IN MY LIFE was sell everything that I own and camped cross country for 4 months. I stock piled as much money as I could and I lived cheaply, camping and what not, and I travleled. I saw things that blew my mind and put me in perspective. I met people and experienced life and I learned what living truly means. I learned what freedom really is. Janis Joplin said it best when she said that freedom is having nothing left to lose. All I had was a trash bag full of clothes, camping equipment and a vehicle. It was heaven. Being released from the responsibility of what most consider "a normal life" and just being free. Being able to be me and finding out who "me" really was.

 

If you have the chance to experience freedom in it's purest form, I suggest doing it. RIGHT NOW. Dont wait, just sell your stuff, pack a bag and go see the freakin world. There is nothing greater than being totally free.

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