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What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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I am not sure even where to post this. I am not sure if anyone can help. I am just tired and frustrated and need to talk.

 

My fiance has never been a very healthy person. He has always had lots of problems with his health, many of which are complications due to his type 1 diabetes. He has always had issues with digestion, but never really went to a doctor for anything. He didn't even know how to find a primary care physician until I went through and found him one two months ago. He would normally just wait until whatever health problem he was dealing with at the moment got to be so bad that he needed to go to the Emergency Room.

 

I love him though. He has many other fine qualities.

 

Two months ago his occasional nausea turned into a full blown constant vomiting and sickness. He has literally been vomiting almost everyday for the past 8 weeks. He was already thin but has dropped 20 lbs. I have made appointments for him at doctors and he has had tests run but they haven't found out the cause.

 

We have a 14 month old son. My fiance was the stay at home dad, and I supported our family and put myself through school (I finally graduated a couple of weeks ago. Yeah for me!) I work doing freelance web design from home. for the past two months I have had to take over almost all of the childcare. I love my son. I love my fiance. But because of having to do be a full time mom, it is making it so I can't get work done. I am stressed out. I had quite a savings that we are having to rely on now to pay bills. I spend the whole day taking care of these two boys and then stay up at night trying to do work to feed the family. My fiance will have some good days, where he has enough energy to get up and walk around. But it always seems like on those days he scheduals stuff that he wants to do that leaves me still in charge of the baby. They aren't big things and normally I wouldn't care but it makes me angry now. I need him to use the little energy he has towards our family not to go record shopping and meet up with friends or go out to see a show. I know he is misserable and sick and that these little bits of feel good and doing something other than vomiting help keep his spirits up when he is sick but I feel like I am dying here.

 

When he is sick he is cranky and will sometimes just lay on the couch and tell me how I am cleaning this wrong, and not feeding our son the right thing or vacuuming wrong or criticize whatever I am doing. This is just him being cranky, but I can't handle it much longer. He also wants me to take care of him. Which I would gladly do more of if this wasn't constant. It is hard for me to care anymore. I feel like all of my empathy has been drained. Sometimes I just want to punch him and tell him that I can only do so much or that he can drive to the store and get his own damn saltines.

 

Friends and family help when they can but even if I get a babysitter so I can work for a couple of hours it still means working around the kid's nap, packing him up driving him over to the place coming home and then having to go and pick him up in a couple hours. The time I spend driving there and packing him up takes about the same amount of time he is gone.

 

I am tired and stressed and so it is hard to stay focused with my work. I feel like I have no one to talk to.

 

The doctor said if he keeps vomiting to bring him to the hospital, but when I called the hospital they said if he is not getting worse that he could stay home. Well he is not worse. It is just constantly bad. I want to bring him in because maybe they could figure out what is wrong faster. He refuses to go saying that the hospital nurse said he could stay home if he didn't get worse.

 

I have been researching up his symptoms and although I am not a doctor I am pretty sure I know what he has and it is even more depressing. If he has what I think he does then this vomiting could last for years. The medicine that they prescribe for it he has already tried and it doesn't work for him. It just makes him weaker and more tired. The other option is a feeding tube.

 

I love him but it makes me seriously doubt our relationship. I am 28 and he is 38. If he is this sick at 38 what will it be like when he is 58? I am not ready to have to support him constantly. Many of his health problems could have been avoided or taken care of easily if he just took good care of himself to begin with or saw doctors regularly.

 

What do I do? I want to be with him. I want my son to grow up with his father. But I can't do this for much longer. It is so much more work having to take care of him too. Am I mean? Am I selfish? Is it okay for me to be feeling resentful. I am jealous in many ways too. do you know what I would give to be able to lay in bed and watch movies all day. I would gladly be sick to my stomach if it meant I could rest from these 18 hour days. I can't even be sick though. I don't have the time. Even when I don't feel well I can't let myself stop because there is no one else to help. There is no one else to make the money we need to live. There is no one else to watch the baby all day or take out the garbage or call the doctors to arrange the next test or go to the store to buy food.

 

I know that there is not much that anyone out here can do for me but thank you for listening. I just feel so overwhelmed.

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This is why there are Nursing Homes, because LOTS of people have trouble taking care of a loved one.

I, for one, admire you. When I was married, I remember being deathly ill, for just one day, and the former Mrs Nurseman refused to take me to the hospital. I had to call my Mom to come get me and take me to the ER.

I also remember, when I was a Paramedic, being called to a house to pick up an elderly lady to go to the ER. When the ER finished with her, they called us to take her home. When we got there, her family refused to answer the door!! We had to take her back to the ER and they had to hold her until they could find a Nursing Home to take her.

 

2 months of constant vomiting is a sign that something is VERY wrong. I don't know how to advise you other than to lean on this guy to lean on his Doctor and find out what the hell is going on.

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Hi There,

 

Well, you certainly have a lot on your plate. Your fiance sounds like he is not doing a good job managing his diabetes or taking care of himself. Diabetes can be a devastating illness, but if it is managed vigilantly than people can have long, relatively healthy lives. If your guy didn't even have a PCP until you came along that is a good indicator that this has gotten quite out of hand and he is probably a very sick man. People with diabetes need to manage themselves very carefully and need to keep on top of it, and it doesn't sound like he is at all.

 

However, there is only so much you can do. He needs to make the choice to get himself to the doctors, get a second opinion, and get things on track, or he's looking at some very ugly complications (amputations, kidney failure, blindness, ketoacidosis, early death etc.) Our brains and cells need glucose to live, and if he isn't controlling his sugars and it is all in his bloodstream, his cells are essentially starving (as you are watching before your eyes). If his sugar gets low enough, he can die. If it's too high, it leads to the complications listed above and more.

 

Vomiting in someone with diabetes is much more serious than it is in a 'normal' healthy person. He is at much greater risk for dehydration, hyper/hypoglycemia, electrolyte imbalance, cardiac issues secondary to that, and other complications. The fact that he's not taking this seriously or doesn't seem concerned doesn't bode well for his long term prognosis. To be honest, it sounds like he'd rather forget that he has diabetes, and that is very dangerous for him. Vomiting every day for anybody is not normal, but especially concerning for someone with diabetes. Are his doctors really that cavalier about it? If so, he needs to find new doctors now. He is feeling tired all the time because he is dehydrated and his sugars are likely all over the place- he is the only one who can do something about it by getting to a doctor or hospital.

 

Does he check his sugars frequently? Does he control it with insulin? How does he regulate that and how often is he going to his doctor now?

 

I'm not sure what to advise other than some tough love. Tell him if he doesn't get his act together, get to the doctor and get a referral to an endocrinologist who can help him manage his diabetes and get him on track, you are not willing to sit around and essentially watch him kill himself by doing nothing.

 

Good luck to you, this is a very difficult situation.

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Hi Iso

 

I have to agree with Hope here.

 

Yes Diabetes can be difficult to manage, but it doesnt seem like he wants to help himself very much.

 

I can really relate to how you feel, you sound very drained and worn out and you need some help and some time out for you.

 

I think its time you called a halt to this. I would tell him that he needs to get himself an emergency appointment, or even take him to ER and demand that something is done. It worrys me that he is not prepared to do this, i know that if i felt so sick that I had to watch my SO doing EVERYTHING for months, I would feel helpless, and angry that no one was taking my condition seriously (and i would be worried that there was something more seriously wrong with me - to vomit everyday?? I would sit in the ER department until someone took some serious notice).

 

It also concerns me that he seems quite happy to sit watching movies for 18 hours and telling you how you should be running the house, and watching you do it (and vomiting).

 

Something is off here Iso, and i think you know it, which is why you are feeling resentment creeping in, on top of all the other struggles. I am not surprised that your empathy reserves are running out. You know he is not doing all he could to help himself.

 

You are not selfish, and, you are not expecting too much - I know youre thinking that if it was you that was vomiting every day, you would be demanding to find out whats wrong. I think most of us would, and thats part of what is concerning you. We wouldnt be shrugging our shoulders saying Oh well, never mind!

 

You know that you cannot control this. This is HIS illness, but his illness is seriously affecting YOUR life, to the point you are going to crack and become ill yourself.

Its a sense of apathy that most people who are this ill, dont have.

 

Please put your foot down and tell him you both needs some answers!

 

If you dont, it will be you in the hospital with exhaustion.

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Thank you all so much for your advise to me. Sometimes you get into a situation and even though you know that it isn't right, you are so embedded in it that it is hard to see around it. I called up his specialist and begged them to see us earlier. So instead of waiting another month for an appointment we only have to wait a week. I am enforcing a strict diet that I hope will help a bit. I hate that I have to be nagging all the time. I am not sure if he is just scared of doctors or what. I do know he has had many many bad hospital experiences but it is not his own life that this is effecting anymore.

It is sad.

I made him get up yesterday and take care of the baby and I went to bed and slept. I should have been working and what not but I couldn't. I just slept and I needed that desperately. He did survived the day.

He checks his blood sugar a couple times a day and does insulin. The constant vomiting has made it hard to keep the sugar right. I think his stomach isn't digesting things very fast either because his blood sugar is all over the place. He will not have eaten for 6 hours and then his blood sugar will spike. I know that must make him feel crappy too. I know that when his sugar is off his emotions become all PMS-y too.

The whole situation is just crappy.

I only hope that this new specialist will hospitalize him. I know it sounds bad, but I just want him in a hospital so that I can feel like he is in the hands of trained professionals. That this health problem no longer rests upon my shoulders and is now on theirs.

Why are relationships so hard...

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Hope75-- congratulations on your upcoming marriage. And even more so on being able to soon have the wedding off of your plate! Everyone I have ever known who was organizing a wedding had so much to do it makes my situation look like a walk in the park.

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Iso,

 

I am glad you got the appointment moved up for him- I would even consider taking him to the ER if he is unable to keep anything down.

 

What are his sugars like when he does check them? Is he able to keep anything down when he does eat and drink? You might have him try Glucerna shakes, they have a lot of bang for your buck with those and they are a bit easier to digest than solid foods.

 

I think a serious talk with your bf is an order- and setting some limits like letting him know that his poor control of his diabetes and apparent disregard for how serious it is is not something you are prepared to watch, and if he doesn't start taking an initiative and doing what it takes to keep himself healthy you may have some hard decisions ahead of you.

 

Good luck!

 

(and thanks for the congrats!

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