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I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to live either


Mr.Zombie
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Hi, I am so sorry that you feel so bad at the moment, (or are you feeling a bit better now?). But...I dó know that there ís hope for you. Even if you do not feel it yourself at the moment.

I recognize a lot of what you write, from myself a number of years ago. But now I live a happy, connected life. It is a process of recovery though.... of learning to love yourself, of gaining self-confidence, of getting friends, IT REALLY IS POSSIBLE!!! FOR YOU TOO! If only you are willing to work on your recovery.

 

God bless you (I have the deep conviction that God loves you and wants to bless you)

 

I appreciate the kind words, but I really do feel hopeless most of the time. I don't feel that there is much good that can come out of my continued existence.

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What has helped me a lot is to get into a self-help group, where I felt I wasn't alone, and there were people struggling with the same issues, and there was a good program that you could work on, in your own pace. I was (and I continue to go, as maintenance) in a 12-step group. You could check out Codependents Anonymous.

What Is Co-Dependents Anonymous?

 

'Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships.' link removed

 

I know you feel hopeless at the moment, and I know how aweful that feels. Feelings can overwhelm you and make you look at things through their frame. I have felt like that for years. But I have come out of it, by the loving acceptance of the people in the self-help group, and by changing my own thinking, little by little, one day at a time.

Hold on.

God really loves you.

 

Beatrice

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Thanks for the input, MoonSunStars. It's hard to explain really why I feel the way I do. I have ups and downs, certainly. Some days I feel okay. Other days, I would love nothing more than to cut my wrists open. I feel very hopeless about the future. I'm very pessimistic by nature.

 

Jesus man I feel the same way you do. i really wish i could give you some advice or guidance. but if i knew what to do i would have done it myself. I know how it feels to be to not want to die, but not want to live either. Ive had the same feeling of hopelessness for a while now and i dont know what to do about it. i feel like having someone to talk to about things help a lot. so if you need to talk to someone who can relate, im here. hell i could use someone to talk to myself.

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Don't apologize it was a good read! (nods)

 

Don't kill yourself, I think suicide is selfish... I mean think about your parents most religious people believe that people who kill themselves don't make it to "heaven" ...Think about what that would do to them. (shrugs)

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.......oh and by the way Mr Zombie, from reading all your posts you seem like a rather cool guy to me. You seem sensitive and caring and you have your interest in bizzarre films which is great actually. You dont follow the mainstream crowd which is always a good thing in my books. I'm kind of similar with my taste in music as most people have not heard the weird stuff I listen to. It doesnt bother me though and it shouldnt bother you either as its just one thing that helps to set you apart from everyone else. You dont want to be a cookie-cutter clone of everyone else do you?

 

Pay attention to what Ready2heal was saying to you earlier too. Feel free to talk about whatever you like on this forum. Anything that you enjoy talking about cant possibly be off topic on here can it. If it = fun then it = thumbs up

 

Oh and just for the record I feel like [Edit] half the time too. Last night I felt utterly awful and really wanted to die.......and yet here I am typing away and I feel fine.....still worried in the back of my mind of course but pretty much fine otherwise. It seems like your problems are nearly identical to mine.....no girlfriend and no decent social life.....and it feels like neither of them are possible right? Cant get the girlfriend cos your not meeting anyone and cant meet anyone cos your miserable as you dont have a girlfriend. The vicious circle of doom! I imagine that you feel trapped in a repeating cycle because you have become so used to doing things on your own so that now being alone has become this comfortable routine right? Its a pain in the [Edit] isnt it!

 

Well I just wanted you to know that you really arent alone with your situation......I'm feeling rather stuck too and most of the time it feels like it will never change......but every now and again my viewpoint changes and I can see the potential for change because its always there even if I cant see it.

 

Have you tried using the gumtree website for meeting people? Its not brilliant mind you and I have had buggerall success with it but at least its another avenue to more possibilities. I actually did a date through it once but as always it didnt quite go the way I hoped it would. Just a thought anyway.

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Well, yes I actually believe that he did come down from heaven and did tell and show us that he loves us all, but..it is not my intention to get into a theological discussion here.

 

And 12-steps groups are not religious organisations...they are very much about how you describe a group above, open-minded, free-thinking, positive, sharing your experience and strength and hope with other people. There are suggestions in the program which you can use to work on your own recovery, but it is completely up to yourself what and how much you want to use of those suggestions.

 

I do not like dogma's at all actually, I am very much a free-thinking person. But in my thinking processes I have discovered some wonderful principles that have made me a much much happier person through the years...

 

Wishing you all the very best, and the best wish I can give someone is to say God bless you. But you are of course completely free to deject this wish from me to you....

 

Beatrice

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It seems like your problems are nearly identical to mine.....no girlfriend and no decent social life.....

I'm the same. I kinda have a social life but it is not decent. Most days there is noone to talk to, noone to give me company. I am trying to connect with people who's friendship I'd actually enjoy. Don't know how to do this so I'm just more or less trying to keep myself busy. I socialise with people I'd rather not, just so I won't go completely insane. Everything I try fails. I always end up back in the same place - no friends, no girlfriend. I dunno. The only thing I can try is to better myself in every way I can and hope that in a few years my situation will be much different.

 

It's so hard to get motivation when you have nothing and noone, fighting depression and loneliness. About a year or two ago my sister asked me if I was going to get help for depression, I thought she was crazy. In my mind I was happy with my life. Things came crashing down, she was right. The truth was I was just using escapist behaviour and 'enjoying' my life while these routines still appealed to me. When I lost interest in these things, when I realised they weren't a way forward in life... that's when the depression hit me in full.

 

I think I have a lot in common with the OP, just different paths brought us here. I also get this feeling of not wanting to live anymore. It wouldn't be a terrible shame if I got hit by a bus, but I'm not going to throw myself in front of one.

 

I have been reaching out to my sister letting her know I'm truly depressed. That I have no friends and sometimes even cry myself to sleep thinking about where I used to be and what a shadow of that person I am now. How lonely I am and how many nights I have nothing better to do than climb in bed hours before I goto sleep. How I just stare at the wall, thinking about the past been and gone. Exercise only keeps me so busy. Without friends I feel confined to being nothing.

 

I just get the canned "things will get better" response from her.

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ever put a pistol in your mouth and it missfires???? not saying that happened to me, but what a change in life!!!

 

i know what your going through, i lost my best friend and love of my life, and i pray to God that things will work out, thinbk positive, i know sounds like crap, but it will, i know how you feel, we all want to wake up each morning next to the person we love, who cares about money, cars, all that will come

what i do each night i go out side in the dark, look at the stars and ask God to guide me, and no matter how much i hate myself i know he will. i plan on going skydiving, never ever thought i would, but i need to revitalize my life, your young enough, go serve our country,or whatever, and make yourself proud, but your first result is not the right answer, and PLEASE dont judge me, but i do get visions at times, and i saw mine if i died, my girl married to someone else and having a family,that was my hell and i will be dam if im giving up that easy! this is your choice to be strong and make the changes, if you have a feeling to do something or meet someone do it!! what do you have to loose?? i hope i dont scare you. i was brought to this site for a reason, i went through 2 weeks of hell and i never want to go back, yes it will be always on me like a ton of bricks, but if i can help you, it will lighten my load

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Yeah that sounds exactly like me in my early twenties. When I was a lot younger than that I used to get enjoyment out of my life but actually it was only really because I was unaware of how miserable I felt deep down. I would just distract myself with various activities like drawing, reading, games and films. It was all pretty much loner activities that I persued but I was happy with that at the time.

 

Then when I entered my late teens it all started to change. My activities were no longer enough and loneliness started to creep in. I also used to sit on my own and just drifted back in my mind to better times in my memory. In fact it was strangely addictive to do that actually......as though those memories seemed magical somehow and the sadness it induced in me felt kind of tragically beautiful.

 

But anyway because of my loner tendencies I found it virtually impossible to make any lasting connections with anyone and girlfriends were completely out of my reach in my mind which had a very negative impact on my self esteem. So as time went by I just became more and more depressed. By the time I was 24 I had tried taking two overdoses.

 

Now I am 33 and although I am more in control of my feelings and able to see myself with a more objective view, those loner tendencies are still there. I still always seem to worry about when and if life will ever get better. I still have all the same problems that I had 10 years ago. It certainly doesnt hurt as much as it used to and I am definitely a lot more confident than I was back then (a very different person in fact) but I still have this feeling of being trapped......as though life will never change.

 

I have a feeling of hope about everything though......its a feeling that has never completely left me. Sometimes I just feel incredibly excited because I KNOW that things could be brilliant. I think thats when I get depressed actually. Its like having a vision of what life should be like and then when I compare it to what I currently have it hurts like hell because I cant for the life of me see how I can change my current life into my future vision.

 

Geez life is such a pain in the * * * *

 

Oh yeah.....the good old canned "things will get better". Thats what people say when they cant think of anything useful to say.

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Well... I think if any of us find a way out of this funk, we should stick around to give advice on wisdom of how to do it

 

I met some awesome people last night from the net... just posted an ad for friendship and went in only wanting that. The people were great fun and I got some of their #'s. Whether or not they will want to hang out with me again is another thing. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I can't help it!

 

Too bad we can't all meet up for a drink every Friday after work and not be so lonely together!

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  • 1 month later...

Hi everyone, I'm just registered here and have read some posts and feel somewhat similar to everyones thoughts. I don't want to kill myself, but sometimes life is really hard to live in this world. My family has a history of Severe depression, some have bipolar depression and others have severe mental disorders! I can cope without prescription medication, but I have my days when I wonder. I usually pull out of this state when I write friends, or phone someone I care about. Exercising and lifting weights raise your levels of endorphins and gives you a sense of peace. Same as playing an instrument. Listen to your favorite music, turn on some bright lights, and start a new hobby. If you don't have money to spend, draw a picture, write a poem or song, start a music/movie collection. Go to this site and download for free. ww .torrentz.co . To download any of these torrents, go to a site called ww . bittornado.co . Because of these sites I have been busy for years, and saved thousands of dollars too!! You may be thinking this is illegal, but hey, why aren't these sites shut down if it is? There are hudereds! If you are a hurtin' unit, break a few rules and live at least a little! Start playing video games too, there are all varieties for all people. Save up money and go on a trip, even by yourself! You'll never realize how sweet this world is, and how many different cultures there are until you try it and experience for yourself. If you masturbate, cut down, or stop, you'll feel better about yourself. Take fish oil pills, they help the brain wake up. And start taking your vitamin B pills. Believe me, look it up! Over all keep busy! This is the key to happiness, especially if your business includes helping others! Think less about yourself,,,you are probably bored and depressed because you have everything going for you, but you are too spoiled to see it!! I was told that once. I feel better already giving my input on what I think helps!

I'm almost 31 years old, and am single. I know I have good looks but have a problem meeting women. I'm naturally reserved and shy and have social problems! I didn't have sex for 8 years until 2 months ago, and this was the same girl I lost my virginity to! I have good morals when it comes to sex, but at the same time I don't feel ready for a serious relationship! It's a struggle because everyone needs love and intimacy. On the other hand it seems that all the good girls are already spoken for and married. I think time does answer any issues you may have, but at the same time you have to give innitiative! Always remember though that family comes first, then friends, you should come last. A person has to take care if himself though to feel good, and when you feel good about yourself, you are attractive!! Be optomistic, and when you find yourself thinking negative...CHANGE your thoughts right there and then! Facebook is a great sight to meet up with Old and Older friends/girlfriends. If you don't have a profile you should start one up! I've met people from around the world on this site too. I'm writing a very cute girl from Sweden, and she says she has to meet me one day, so there's a start to a potential mate, you never know in life, you have to work at it! I've had a * * * * ed up life when it comes to religion, I am disassociated from my current religion, and all the people I grew up with me, shun me now. My family did for a while too, but just recently understand my standing on it and know everyone has free will to do what they feel is right for themselves. My best friend killed himself, he had Schizophrenia, I had to teach him about general things in life, even what condoms were! He was 23 when I met him, and was isolated from the world his whole life and took homeschooling. After all the effort I put in to help him, he committed suicide! I started smoking and became really depressed after these things, and lost interest in everything! I got fat, drank alot, and just sat in my apartment for days without talking to anyone! The only thing keeping me going was my job. I know there are alot of worse things out in the world that people are going through, and I may look sound like a baby, but I have built up my own self-motivation to get through it, and have to kick my own ass to get into gear. I always think too that if I'm having a * * * * ty week, that next week could be a totally different chapter in life, and it always is. If you are in a rut, find a way to change it! Even if it takes alot of time, do it in steps, change one thing at a time if needed. If you feel guilty about a certain thing you do, everyone is allowed to stop that certain thing and move on in life!! We are all sinful and are a curious species. But we all have the power of self control! Drugs are something I detest! I've smoked pot, and fooled around with mushrooms in my past, but heavy drugs only FINISH you off for good! There are countless stories of people I know that were super wealthy, and ended up with nothing but the craving for a 26er and one last shot of drugs on their death bed! Seeing that we are all here on this site gives great hope for us, because reaching out to someone (even if we don't know eachother) is the first step to getting help! I feel for all of you and wish I could become friends with you guys! Please respond to my post if you feel differently or if you agree....we all have to live in this world, so let's help eachother. Take care.

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If you don't want to kill yourself and at the same time you don't want to live then don't worry. Just wait your turn because your physical death is guaranteed to come eventually.

 

You might die tomorrow in a car accident or you might get murdered by some psychopath or die in a massacre. So I wouldn't worry about it when you can never predict what another day is going to bring you anyway.

 

1 out of 1 dies. Nobody can argue with that.

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I totally agree! I don't practice religion anymore, but I do believe in the bible, which is God's word. And if you think there is no hope for the future, check out this scripture from the bible: Revelation Chapter 21 verses 3,4 - With that I heard a loud voice from the throne say: "Look! The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them, and they will be his peoples. And God himself will be with them. And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.)

Why do you think Jesus came to earth? He came to preach the word of God, and to reveal the promises of God and the hope for the future! If you are interested in more, look up Matthew 24: 7-14. This work is done by a religious group as we speak! They go door to door, have bible studies with ones who want to know the meaning of life, and of course free of charge! There must be Gods backing on their work!

Read 2nd Timothy 3:1-5, this shows how the world is.

Remember in school, repeating the Lords prayer? Our father in the heavens, let your name be sanctified. Let your kingdom come. Let your will take place, as in heaven, ALSO UPON EARTH!

The hope for future everlasting life on a paradise earth, look up Revelation 21:1. Also look up Luke 23:43.

If you don't have a bible, you can look up scriptures on the internet.

If you are interested in learning more about Gods prophesies and promises, feel free to ask!!

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  • 3 weeks later...

I found this to be a very inspiring read indeed. I havent checked on this thread for quite a while and I'm glad I did. My previous port of call was a visit to wikipedia as I was looking up some details on hangings as I have been seriously contemplating hanging myself recently. Oddly enough I'm not actually that heavily depressed as I have been in the past. I've just been feeling a severe lack of inspiration and interest towards life and am finding it almost impossible at the moment to move my life in any particularly positive direction......so to me the thought of leaving this body can often feel more exciting and inspiring than staying in it.

 

Sometimes I just think to myself that I really am bored with being myself, having the same old thought patterns and seeing life through my eyes and at those times suicide just seems like a logical option to me despite what all the pro-lifers say. It feels like my thoughts and feelings.....and actually everything in my entire body is somehow holding me down. The thought of being released from all of this excess weight can be very tempting indeed. Fortunately or unfortunately ending the life of this body really isnt an easy thing to do at all. If guns were easily accessible in the UK then that might be a different matter as I wouldn't have much of a problem with shooting myself but the more prolonged methods just arent so viable with their potential for failure and the damage which can come with that.

 

But anyway like I said your post was full of lots of good stuff which I totally agree with. I wasn't really aware of the thing with fish oil pills though and now you mention vitamin B I reckon I will get some of them too.....so thanks for that.

 

In fact check this link......

 

......and if you can get your hands on the book entitled "My Stroke of Insight" then you should.

 

Its about a neuroanatomist called Jill Taylor who had a stroke, survived it and recovered 8 years later. She describes her experience and perception of life when the left side of her brain stopped functioning correctly. It might open peoples eyes to what is really going on in our heads when we feel depressed. This is a solid and detailed account of a real persons near-death experience and considering her field of study she really does know what shes talking about.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Mr zombie, i stumbled upon this site by googling a specific statement that i now dont recall and it ended up pulling up ur post ! n i read through most of ur posts , i m in more or less the same state ur r in except the fact that i m jus 22 ., i did put in efforts to meet counsellors and brain docs for help but in vain ,

self pity , blame game , no acceptance ,no effort .... Terms used by my counsellors to describe my stiuation

 

i m starting to hate this human specices because they have to endure so much from birth to death .They live on so called Postive thinking , GOD and hope n whatever ... cheating themselves till they die.

 

Do write me if ore skype me sometime n keep me posted on ur progress

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  • 4 months later...

[i have lost my job and have been collecting unemployment for 1 year. Just gettin' by. I have no expenses uther the usual.. light, phone , ISP, (only $14.95 mo) car ins, lot rent, directv, etc..... I have a right ingrenial? (probably incorrect wordage) hernia. The doctor I saw said there is help to pay for the operation,if not all of the expenses,seeing that I am unemployed. That "help" said I make too much money weekly to qualify for assistsnce. $275 a week! A $6000 operation at least. The doctor said it could eventually kill me because the intestine would burst and give me an infection I could not recover from. I'll just take that the same way I take everything else, feel good about taking that first step toward anything that I can handle but, and everything that I do not have any control of. Happiness is in the heart. Each day is a blessing from God. I hope for good things to come my way, but if they don't, there is always tomorrow. My options are limited only to my outlook on life. I only hope to keep this thought in my mind, but most importantly in my heart and soul!

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  • 3 months later...

Hi everyone,

 

I googled "I dont want to kill myself" obviously since i was feeling crappy and I came accross 3 blogs or forums, this one was one of them and I kept reading about the issues you have.

 

I am nowhere close to feeling as bad about myself, but I do have some similar thoughts. First of all, I must say, I have it very easy, living, i mean. I have a job, good job, also kind of tech-related and people there are friendly and I find myself laughing there. As I said before, I am nowhere close to being as sad as you are.

 

I live on my own, im 24 years old, almost 25 now. I left my parents home at age 22, i guess, and before that, my life was nothing, I felt crappy all the time. It is, seeing in retrosprective, because I had to obey my parents way of living even though it was boring as hell. I hated my life and my familiy, I also spent months without hearing my own voice. I have a brother i dont talk to at all, and my other brother i fighted all the time, being in the same house and often i wondered about killing myself or going out to get myself kidnapped or murdered or fight someone random. I escaped and walked and walked feeling like a vampire ready to embrace all darkness and let others feel my anger just by looking at my stare. Then I got my first girlfriend at age 21 i think, and 3 days later it was over. And then she kind of dated my best friend so my best and only friend so I hated him. And I still do, at times.

 

So I ran, i moved away, to another city and my parents lend me enough money to live Ok, but still i got into some mess and my way of living wasnt really something to envy for. I ran away because i had no friends , and lots of enemies. I didnt like any family member at all. Ever since I was older than 10 years my life got into a mess of anger and feeling like a loser who wont get anything right.

 

When I moved out I got to make some friends, which I lost soon because I couldnt control my temper and I just ended angry at everyone around, because of my high expectations of how people should behave around me and how they should love me to pieces even though i was no one particularly enjoyable.

 

Ever since I had gone through a lot of different experiences, all thanks to living on my own, i got to hit bottom rock on my loneliness, being in a new city and not being able to communicate with others. I got so good at being alone i had to talk to myself while walking and imaging a lot of stuff to give myself some feedback, which humans wouldnt give because i wasnt close enough to anyone. So I speant months, talking to myself and not doing anything, just hoping for someone or something to change my life. I even found myself imaging a cheap ring of mine had some strange powers, all just to keep myself amused while being lonely.

 

Eventually I had to suck it up, I started getting around my "friends", visting them sometimes when I didnt felt like hating them. I kept going even when I hated them, and then eventually I was laughing with them and stuff. Still I had lots of problems and sometimes I disappeared for weeks because I had this problem that made me hate people for whatever reason, if there was no reason I maked up one and i dindt even share it with them, I just wanted to get angry at someone and feel strong by the energy hate gives.

 

 

Anyway, i kept going with them and eventually we all got a house and i currently live with them, and i try my best not to ruin it. Im still the one with more problems around my circle of known people, even though really, my life is perfectly ok, but still I dont get along with my family, sometimes I get to think that I, in fact, have no friends and that Im just pretending. I have no girl friends to visit, or who wants to visit me. And I cant get to talk or make female friends, even though every weekend I try by going out, most of the time alone, to try to force myself into talking with some chick, and I always end up not talking at all and feeling worst by trying than staying at my house, but still I have the need to try even though it never ever works. So i think i will still be lonely for any given number of months or years, but who knows, maybe one day soon i will get to talk to some girl and maybe she will like me back.

 

I am in no meds, even though my parents took me to a doctor which I refused and ended up spitting the damn pills so i never have been on medication. Not that there is any need for, since im supposedly very healthy and everything, I have it all to be happy and yet I have many issues..

 

but I feel responsible for myself and my future, I feel sympathy for myself and I feel like I have the challenge to get me out of the hole.

 

I have also spent years just trapped into some crappy mood, feeling like there is nothing worthy out there, and that the best life got to offer was perhaps a dog. Or something like that. And I also felt like i was years behing the rest, like i was maturing very slowly. I was supposed to be a man but I felt like a scared kid, and then like a teen, but now i do feel more like a man, and It all started to change when i moved out of my parents home, cuz that was, for me, a source of sadness, anger and lazyness.

 

When you live on your own, you feel like getting years of experience out of only a couple of months. You should try it, and start feeling sympathy of yourself, try to take care of yourself, because no one else will unless they see you value yourself, since that get them wondering what is it in you that has value and even if there is nothing more than that, they will believe you are valuable just by seeing how to take care of yourself..

 

I used to like starving myself or suffer cold or anything that could be self destructive just to feel something, since no one around was interested in me enough as to give me anything to feel about, so self destruction kind of worked, but now, I m not like that anymore, and my life is not great, it is kinda boring, but still it is tons better than before, so to me it feels like heaven even if normal people would think im pathetic, very pathetic. Some of this days i might find myself having a decent life and being the awesome guy around with girl friends and a chick for a gf. who knows.

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  • 1 month later...

Hey I just finished reading your post and was shocked at how much our lifes match , I just moved away too because I couldnt take living with my parents anymore, I now live in a town where I know noone, I have rent to pay but no job because finding one at the moment is quite hard and I don't have an qualifications so that makes it harder, I have no motivation and I live alone , and like you said you pushed away your friends because of your high expectations , well I have done the same , I pushed them away because for me they didn't meet my standards , everytime i find a mate Il always push him away because it doesn't feel like hes a real mate ( even if he is) I just don't see it, and the thing you said about the ring, well Iv done the same think , imagining you have special powers to amuse yourself and to somhow make you different from other people. Im in a deep hole right now and its hard to dig yourself out once your in. Depression hits you hard when your living alone with only the TV and computer to keep you company , Somtimes Il go to a bar and get pissed and talk with everyone and have a great time but I can only seem to do that after a couple of drinks , but everytime I do tht , the next morning Im hungover and il spend that day watchin Tv or sleeping which just gets me more depressed. Iv lived alone now for 3 months and if I don't get a job soon I will get kicked out , but I find myself not caring , thinking well if they do kick me out , Il have the balls to change countrys and live a simple life in a caravan in hawaii or somthing , Just writing that makes me sound crazie. I didnt used to be like this I used to be able to make friends fast, but living alone for 3months has crippled me and now im lost. when i said our lifes matched I was referring to the ring , and the parents thing, I am in no way implying that your life sucks as much as mine does but helped to know I am not ( even if you are no longer in the same situation) the only one to be going through this.

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  • 1 month later...

Mr Zombie and all those in need to get help.

 

Disregard my views for being younger if you wish.

 

One of the worst things is that we sit here relvealing our deepest darkerst yet honest feelings online, when we should be able to disclose this to somene we trust, rather than typing i want to die into google. I am one of you, and its good to see a community of those who are honest.

 

1) There is no shame, no regrets. both are words representing human emotions, human creations. Everything created by man will end.

 

2)I believe in death destruction chaos greed and envy. I love life as much as i love death, death is a friend, in your box you have nothing to ever worry about again. Do not fear these feelings.

 

3)I hate people who give advice! when someone gives you advice too willingly ask yourself, well what are they hiding? And if they attempt to drill you with advice without your request, then it says more about their suffering. people who give advice too freely have something to prove, they need to feel they are wise, have wisdom and that is posses as certain value. Often they have nothing to offer than their own experience, which again is where these so called wise people open their mouths and close their ears. We all have two ears and one mouth.

 

4)Zombie! i admire you for starting this forum. I admire you for getting your true feelings off your chest, did you feel better after? Who felt better after? (anyone who left a post)

 

5)I will tell no-one what they need, I wish only to tell you my story. Listen and take what you will, it is open for discussion, email me zander.richardson@googlemail if you feel there is no way out.

 

As much as you may not agree, my way is the nihilist way. To me it is the only way (that is another story) Instantly the image of a skinny angry messed up teenager grows in your head? no, i am perfectly functional. I dress smartly i take care of myself, a good job in London, I study in London, I respect and appreciate aspects of life. However that deosnt mean I want it!

 

The majority aim to make me feel guilty when i mention any of my beliefs. I insult no-ones beliefs, yet it is fine to insult me! I bow like the gentleman and take it with grace and dignity and have learned that my experiences are not valuble unlessed expressed subliminally, through sayings, jokes and art.

 

I have an iron clad will. People rarely insult me but when I am attacked I retaliate with such a force that no blow is ever received on my part again. I listen and choose my words carefully. I read intensely, do 60 - 100 push ups every day and keep very clean.

 

I do have a serious problem, I believe I am a sociopath. I take one person and cling to them unable to release. I choose carefully and when my claws sink in they try to escape usually without success as I am very attractive in my ways. I shower girls with affection and compliments, I always pay for ladies at dinner, or when we go for drinks. I smile a lot, I obsess with my hair making sure its wacky but precise. Im very concered about smelling addictive. I am very warm and I notice small things and miniscule details. My soul is torn.

 

A girl dumped me last year and i couldnt get her back. The more she resisted the more I wanted her, the harder I tried. I didnt want to kill myself at first I wanted to kill her, i still want to kill her. After a while i turned blades on myself, cried myself to sleep, called her name at night. She got to me, i actually loved her and she didnt like me being too obsessive. she was the first girl I let my guard down with, i 'let her go' when she needed space before she ended it. The fact that I changed for her made it even more real, I did EVERYTHING for her and she blocked me out. Ive hurt people (as we all have) i deserved it. I cut myself, drank, smoked. watched violent movies pretending the victims were her, pretending I was the victim. This went on for a year. I met a new girl but never forgot the other one. I let my guard down for the new one too and she showed no interest in me at all. I had changed, when i did i realised that girls love obsessive compulsive guys, guys who appear strong but are actually wimpish underneath, not in a freaky way, but guys who are confident about what they want, esspecially if its 'her'. Guys who txt at midnight on their birthday, or who kiss them for no reason, i was better off obsessive. Girls love a guy they think they can fix (the most ridiculous stupid idea ever)

 

My rage shifted from suicidal to homicidal, which is soo much more theraputic. Wanting to destroy her rather than myself is 'better' believe me. I created a whole campaign to hurt her. I knew she would never go back to me, so the least I could do was make her feel the way I did, 'death creeping from the inside out'. I hate her more than anything and it made me feel sharp, it made me feel alive. I got on the weights, and took it out. I went out with friends and drank. I felt good when I felt fitter.

 

I have no regrets. I snort cocaine and hire prostitudes when ive had a bad day every month to two months (its getting more frequent) or so. One time I hired a pair and had a threesome. Ive had sex with girls my age and older, ive paid to be hancuffed and tided to a chair with two girls giving me head in order to feel better. You sit there thinking liar! wrong, true every word. Life is nothing, im gonna live even if its without her. What all guys dont realise that no matter what attractive girl you date, you will ALWAYS pay! Girls like cars, they like money and they like good sex, what they dont like is a looser with none of these. I took pictures and a video of the prostitues and believe me she got them! I dont feel bad, i feel great. Im back to my old self. I am life! I am death! Im dating a new girl, again she like shoes and lunch at Italian bistros, no problem. Im working my socks off at college and at work, I love working esspecially when you reap the benefits. Im a * * * * ed up guy whos read too many wrong books, watched too many movies, had my heart broken and broken hearts. I have cut, bled, screamed died and became reborn after I realised there is nothing to be afraid of and got a job that paid great money! There is no society! There are no taboos! I do not regret! You think your better than me? your not, because you are judging. Who are you to judge? Who are you? Go commit suicide in peace if that makes you happy, do whatever you like! Everything comes online, everyone cares about themselves. my parents hurt one another while I stood in the middle negotiating. I negotiate no more! I am King! I sleep so much better now, but not perfectly, not until i wake up one day with the girl of my dreams in my arms before we drink cappaccino do cocaine and watch the world collapse from below us. Together as one against all others.

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  • 2 weeks later...

hey i'd just like to say that i know exactly wot ur going thro, i feel very much the same way, im a female, 26, almost every nite i go to sleep praying, almost begging that i dont wake up in the morning, ive thought about suicide so many times but i couldnt do it to my family, i have a good job, where ive just been promoted but it wasnt what i wanted, i felt compelled to do it because there was so much pressure on me, while going through an appraisal today my boos said he's getting pissed off with me because i keep putting barriers up all the time, i can understand this but at the same time it only makes me feel worse about myself. i hate who i am and what ive become, i'd just like to let u know ur not alone and if i do ever find a miracle cure i'll let u no, coz im hoping there is one x

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  • 11 months later...

I Supposedly have that picture perfect life. I have a wonderful man who loves me and i am one of the few employed right now. I feel just like you do and I think I've figured it out. We all (me included) are to wrapped up in our own stuff to realize others have it worse. I try to think of the starving kids with flies in there eyes. They have it much worse than me. things may not be perfect but .........

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  • 3 months later...

I know what you are going through, i myself have experienced the same thing. I wish i could just write you all my storys but its useless, it will only waste your time,So i will just get to the point and tell you how i managed it. I will just say it straight forward.... believe in the existence of god, you'll have all the answers and remedies you seek. From your post i can easilly understand that you do not like being religious, may be that is the reason why you are feeling down. Think about it!

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  • 2 weeks later...
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