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I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to live either


Mr.Zombie
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I hate life so much. I'm just a complete wreck of a human being. My future is completely hopeless. If I lose my current job, I will have nothing. My job is my whole life. There is nothing else in my life. I have no social life. Very few friends. I haven't had a girlfriend in six years. I haven't had sexual activity of any kind (with another person) in four years. I have absurdly terrible luck with the opposite sex. This past week I went to a strip club twice just to be around girls. It's pretty bad when you need strippers to provide you with female companionship. That's pretty near rock bottom, I'd say.

 

My home life is pretty terrible. I have a dismal relationship with my parents. I go to church despite the fact that I have no specific religious beliefs (My parents are very religious). I live with my parents, which sucks, but I'm afraid to move out. I'll probably live with them until I'm 40. If I don't OD on booze and painkillers first.

 

I have two small nieces and they stress the living **** out of me. I feel awful because whenever they are around, I want them to go away. I love them, but dear god they make me want to cut my own throat sometimes. That's how it is with my whole family. I love them, I just don't want to be around them. At all. And I hate that I feel that way.

 

One of my best friends has completely abandoned me and barely speaks to me. I fell in love with her, and my heart was horribly broken when she got married a couple of years ago. Our relationship has not been the same since. That's a long story though.

 

I'm very lonely. On one hand, I'm afraid of having a serious relationships almost to the point of phobia. On the other hand, I'm starved for companionship. What a catch-22. I feel so alone all the time. Alone and sad. I'm so used to being sad that happiness is almost painful on the rare occasions that I feel happy.

 

I fantasize about committing suicide and wish that I had the gall to actually pull it off. I know that I couldn't, and that's even more depressing. I'm stuck here. There's no way out. It would be so much easier if I could just blow my brains out. I wish that I could just die of natural causes. That's one reason I don't take care of myself very well. I don't eat right, I don't exercise. I'm hoping that I'll have a heart attack one of these days.

 

My life is just one big depressing wasteland where sorrow and despair bloom like flowers. It's a long, lonesome road that I must travel alone. Enough waxing poetic.... I really envy people who kill themselves. I wish I could do it. Is it really better to continue living unhappily than to end it all? I don't understand.

 

That's all. If anyone reads this, I'm sorry for wasting your time with my pathetic self-loathing nonsense.

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If you don't want to kill yourself and you don't want to live right now, at this moment, try getting some sleep, and seeing how you feel in the morning. I"m not trying to trivialize what you're going through. But sometimes it helps to come back around to one's problems when you've got a full tank. Another idea you can try - call a suicide prevention hotline. At the very least, you're going to have someone to talk to, and that could be something you greatly need right now. It's all anonymous, so there's no obligation for anything when you call. Good luck, I wish I had something better to tell you.

 

These problems just can't be all solved in one day, even for the most emotionally healthy and robust person on the planet. They're going to take time but here's the deal - there is hope. As long as you keep on trying, there sure is hope. One day, one problem at a time.

 

Hugs,

Sheila

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That's true, it seems like you've been on this mode for a long time now and only you can get yourself out of it, no matter how hard or far fetched it may seem. You're not alone in this world and you're not the only one feeling this way. Find new activities in your life, even though you might not feel like it, be strong and force yourself to do it. Pick up a sport, sign up for a class on something that interests you, do volunteer work, all these things will make you feel better and that can be a start for you to start taking care of yourself and your mind. I once read a quote that said something about happy people being the ones who can control their thoughts. You might also want to consider seeing a psychologist, it does help a great deal to vent out your feelings! Good luck!!! Take care of yourself and things will get better!!

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maybe you can start by stop feeling sorry for yourself and start living...

 

the first thing you can do is change you userid fr zombie to revive or something...

 

if you need a life get one...

 

we all have our sobby stories to tell.. but why are we not?? the difference between you and you neighbour who you think they are successful is the way you see yourself...

 

they think they can do it.. you think you are pathetic..

 

life have its way to bring us down.. but its not how hard life gets at you but how hard you can beaten and yet still pick yourself up...

 

go wash your face... slap yourself in the mirror or something.. wake yourself up from your sobby circumstances and find a solution...

 

if you only need someone to tell you that things are going to be fine... let me tell you now.. they are not going to be fine unless you find a way to make them fine...

 

wake that zombie up from inside...

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im sorry to hear bro. I wish I can of help. Times like this I feel God is testing me. I don't know. Your life will get better. Life gotta be bad to learn from it to make it better. I feel like * * * * lately. Do you smoke weed? I don't feel like working, going to school, socializing, etc. I just want to be rich and do whatever i want whenever. I am so lazy it is depressing

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I'm almost shocked, pretty much everything in your post describes everything I'm feeling right now.

 

I feel like I can relate to you. I wish there was some way I could help you.

 

If you want someone to talk to, I'd be willing to talk to you. If by any chance you wanna talk, send me a message. I hope I don't end up boring you though. People seem to get bored by me very quickly as I'm a very dull person.

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I'm almost shocked, pretty much everything in your post describes everything I'm feeling right now.

 

I feel like I can relate to you. I wish there was some way I could help you.

 

If you want someone to talk to, I'd be willing to talk to you. If by any chance you wanna talk, send me a message. I hope I don't end up boring you though. People seem to get bored by me very quickly as I'm a very dull person.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling what I'm feeling. I appreciate the offer. What's going on with you?

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im sorry to hear bro. I wish I can of help. Times like this I feel God is testing me. I don't know. Your life will get better. Life gotta be bad to learn from it to make it better. I feel like * * * * lately. Do you smoke weed? I don't feel like working, going to school, socializing, etc. I just want to be rich and do whatever i want whenever. I am so lazy it is depressing

 

I don't smoke weed much. I'd probably be a pothead, though, if I lived by myself. I'd probably be an alcoholic too. I can easily see myself lying on the couch all day drinking whiskey and smoking weed and never leaving the house. Perhaps it's best that I don't move out.

 

Yeah, I'm pretty lazy too. I don't really want to do anything. I don't care about anything. I just don't see much in this world to care about. I'm not motivated to succeed. What's the point? I go to my job and I work hard at it, (as hard as you can work at a video store, that is) but I have no motivation to do anything else. Any time I try to be social I just end up feeling like a bigger loser than when I'm home by myself.

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I can definitely empathize with your post. I'm sure a lot of people can. Despite the way it may feel, most people have thought about suicide at some point.

 

You really have to find it within yourself that your life is worth living - because you have to live it. Someone else telling you that you're worthwhile and that your life has meaning isn't going to help you at all unless you can find happiness somewhere inside yourself.

 

It sounds like you need to sort out your priorities, get organized, and make goals. It isn't the end of the world for you - you may have made mistakes in the past but that's what the future is for - making peace with the past and achieving what you cannot achieve right this second!

 

Obviously your attitude needs to change, otherwise nothing else in your life will. You seem to have low self esteeem, because maybe you're not doing the things in life you have dreamed about doing. Life is short - start living your life for yourself. This may seem selfish, but you're only hurting the people close to you by being unhappy.

 

Why is your job your whole life? And why are you going to loose your job? Are you getting fired, or laid off? If you've been at the same place for quite a while then there's a good chance you'll easily get another job soon, if you put effort into it. It looks good on applications and resumes when you've been at the same job for a few years - it proves that you're reliable. Stop worrying about your job, or lack of one, for a moment - your troubles do not stem from anything material.

 

If you have such a horrible relationship with your mom and dad, why are you still living under their roof? I'm sure your life would be A LOT less stressful if you didn't have to abide by your parents rules. You're an adult - why would you want that for yourself? I promsie you, as soon as you move out and start taking pride in your own home, that will attract many women.

 

Please realize that you have it tons better than many. You have a roof over your head, food, water, obviously a computer with internet ...

 

And another thing about women - we tend to like guys who are good problem solvers. If a guy can't solve his problems - how could he possibly solve a relationship problem?

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Thanks for the input, MoonSunStars. It's hard to explain really why I feel the way I do. I have ups and downs, certainly. Some days I feel okay. Other days, I would love nothing more than to cut my wrists open. I feel very hopeless about the future. I'm very pessimistic by nature. I'm so ineffectual and completely unable to change anything by myself. But I also see very little value in life. What's the point of busting your hump all the time just to keep on living? In my experience, there's not that much worth living for. The good things (and there certainly are many good things in life) are vastly outweighed by the bad. I'm not sure I'm able to survive 75% bad just to enjoy 25% good.

 

I've completely given up on romance. I have no hope of ever finding love. Sometimes I care, sometimes I don't. But it doesn't really matter, because I don't want to get married or have kids. So if I were to find the perfect woman, she'd probably leave as a result of my refusal to settle down. Where do you find a woman who doesn't want to marry or have kids? There are maybe 4 or 5 in the world. I would like to have companionship, though. I do get lonely a lot. I'm very sexually frustrated too. Way past sexual frustration in fact. I'm almost at sexual apathy. But I'm not the type to have casual sex. I'm not attractive. I can't just pick up a girl and get her into bed. I wouldn't want to even if I could. But I wouldn't want to pursue a relationship just so I could have sex either. So I think I'm pretty just cut out for a life of celibacy. I don't really mind it all that much. I was terrible at sex back when I had a girlfriend.

 

My job is my whole life because that's all I have. It's all that occupies my time, other than watching movies and the internet. I have no close relationships. I have friends but none that I'm close to. I'm not close to my family. I'm just a loner. I often worry that my store isn't making enough money to stay open and that I'll be out of a job. I think it's doing okay, but I still worry about it a lot. All I really want to do is work at a video store. I would be content doing that for the rest of my life. However, video stores will not exist for the rest of my life so that's not possible. There's really nothing else I can do. I suppose I will find something one day. I'm not in a hurry.

 

I live with my parents for a few reasons. 1. I'm not sure if I'm mature enough to survive on my own (sad, yes, but true), 2. I'm not sure if I need to live on my own. Ever since I've had a job I've worked about 5 minutes away from home. I have no social life to speak of, I don't date. Paying rent would be kind of a waste of money. My parents aren't really dominating. I can pretty much do whatever I want (within reason). The only thing I don't like is going to church with them. However, that would not change if I moved out. I would still be pressured to go to church.

 

However, one of my goals, perhaps my only goal, is to someday get a place of my own. I'm sure it will happen in time. I mature very, very slowly. I didn't start driving until I was 18 or 19. I didn't start dating until I was 20 or 21. I'm just way behind in a lot of things. Like I said, I gave up on romance so I'm not really worried about attracting the opposite sex. I've been single for six years, celibate for about the same. I'm sure I can do it longer.

 

Eventually I will probably get antidepressants and straighten myself out. But I'm just trying to survive day to day for now. I don't concern myself with the future. Just the here and now. That's all I can do. Just make it through today without slitting my wrists. That's the best I can manage for now.

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To me it appears that fighting all your "crap" is your main problem. I recognize this in a lot of depressed people posting here and I certainly can relate! Just the thought of escaping from all those horrible experiences and certain limiting beliefs in this moment, in the here and now.. it's exactly that what keeps you from freedom. Talking yourself down on this forum deepens the attachment to "wanting to be free right now". Please think about it guy!

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To me it appears that fighting all your "crap" is your main problem. I recognize this in a lot of depressed people posting here and I certainly can relate! Just the thought of escaping from all those horrible experiences and certain limiting beliefs in this moment, in the here and now.. it's exactly that what keeps you from freedom. Talking yourself down on this forum deepens the attachment to "wanting to be free right now". Please think about it guy!

 

I'm not really sure what you mean right here.

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Sitting in your pain and observing it objectively is IMO the best way to get rid of self-limiting beliefs. Anything else will work as well eventually, but the beliefs will still be there, pushed deeper away, hidden in the darkest corners of your being. Bring light to the darkness by communicating with it. Dissolve the attachments and you'll start to feel lighter. This is not mumbo-jumbo talk, I know this to be true from experience and want to share it with all those whom are suffering badly.

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Sitting in your pain and observing it objectively is IMO the best way to get rid of self-limiting beliefs. Anything else will work as well eventually, but the beliefs will still be there, pushed deeper away, hidden in the darkest corners of your being. Bring light to the darkness by communicating with it. Dissolve the attachments and you'll start to feel lighter. This is not mumbo-jumbo talk, I know this to be true from experience and want to share it with all those whom are suffering badly.

 

So I should just do nothing? Just allow my sadness to run its course? That's what I've been doing for quite some time. I doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

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Sort of! I would recommend meditation and being more mindful about your thoughts and actions. Whatever arises in your head, observe it and let it run it's course like you said. Don't judge it, just let it exist and play out it's role. Even if you judge, observe this as well. Doing this creates a deeper communication with your "background processing power" so to speak. Communication is the practice of understanding and through understanding you create peace. This is how the barrier between pain and peace with what is dissolves.

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Sort of! I would recommend meditation and being more mindful about your thoughts and actions. Whatever arises in your head, observe it and let it run it's course like you said. Don't judge it, just let it exist and play out it's role. Even if you judge, observe this as well. Doing this creates a deeper communication with your "background processing power" so to speak. Communication is the practice of understanding and through understanding you create peace. This is how the barrier between pain and peace with what is dissolves.

 

Are you like a therapist or something? Or a spiritual guru? Are you a man or a woman? I'm just curious.

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I could be the president of the USA, it doesn't really matter. There's no-one with a ready made solution for your specific situation. Take what you can get. I have mainly been working with a spiritual system for my own development and without a doubt it has helped me. If you feel drawn to what I talk about and you'd like a more in depth explanation of things, go to link removed and/or send me a message.

 

edit: I'd like to add to my previous post that I believe it's equally important to return to self-nurturing emotions/experiences.

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I have been reading your posts and I must say that I do relate very well to what you are going through although my circumstances are of course different. I havent had a girlfriend for 4 years and in fact I have only ever had one girlfriend and that didnt last too long. Although I have had sex since then occasionally its certainly not what anyone would call a healthy love life. I am now 33 years old. I didnt have sex until I was 26 so if you think you are a late starter then dont worry because there is always someone who is worse off than you are. This has definitely taken its toll on me and has deeply effected my ability to motivate myself. I spent my teen years deeply depressed and constantly having to live with the knowledge that I would always be alone. The crushing effect this has on a persons self esteem goes beyond simple words. This feeling is still with me now and I have come to terms with the fact that it always will be. Most of my friends have girlfriends and I can honestly say it absolutely SUCKS!!!

 

Unfortunately I just dont "look the part". I'm not ugly or anything and most people actually tend to really like me as I come accross as being really positive and quirky but I'm definitely not attractive to women. Many people will tell you that women love guys that are funny or kind or good to talk to and in some respects this is true......but most of the time these guys are seen simply as "good friends" and nothing more. Despite what all the fluffy happy-clappy people say, looks really do matter and they are far more important than personality. People with good looks get more opportunities handed to them in life while less attractive people have to work harder. You could argue that ugly people develop stronger personalities but most of the time they just get pissed off with life......and it shows in them physically and ends up making them even more unnatractive.

 

Anyway I have thought a hell of a lot about ending my life too. I'm just really annoyed that I dont have any easy access to my preferred method of exit. To be honest I dont think life is as sacred as people make it out to be. The only reason most people are pro-life is because....well....they're alive of course. I personally see it as a game.....and in a game if I play through a part of it and decide that I dont like the character then I delete it and start a new one. Or it could be viewed as buying a plane ticket to go on a long holiday.....its just one that you dont come back from. Yep its really selfish but sometimes I just lose the ability to give a rats * * * * ! Its my life afterall and who knows what good things can come from bad experiences.

 

Anyway sorry I have kind of gone off topic here. I just wanted you to know that you are really not alone in your situation. There are lots of guys out there who feel like * * * * because they cant get girlfriends or decent social lives going. My life is pretty rubbish too. Regarding your job.....well.....just quit it. Hand in your notice. You think you cant do anything else? Well firstly if you can work in a video store then you can work in ANY store. Your work place is actually a great way to meet people and I bet you arent meeting anyone new at the video store right?

 

At the moment I am doing a data entry job for a recruitment agency. What do I do all day? I sit in an office and copy numbers from a sheet onto a computer. Yeah thats right......a monkey could do it. Oh and I also drink tea all day as well. Monkeys do that too as we have all seen on tv. Its piss easy! In fact it requires LESS skill than what you are currently doing. So yeah.....change your job for a start because a change of scene will give you a whole new perspective. In fact if you like I can give you the links to some very good recruitment agencies that I have used. The best thing about using them is THEY FIND THE WORK FOR YOU so you dont have to bother with all of that application bull * * * * where you have to sit in front of some pretentious tosser and lie to them about how much you love their company.

 

Secondly.....your parents. You do actually need to move out but dont do it yet. Save up plenty of money first. I actually moved back with my mum for a few years to save money and I can honestly say I hated it. Living with your parents does nothing good for your self esteem. If you have never moved out before then I realise it may well seem bloody scary.....but the "scary world out there" is actually better and more interesting than the world you are currently in. At the moment I think you have to much time to sit and dwell on your problems. In fact its one the main failings that I have too. I keep sitting on my * * * * and pondering over my life and I make myself feel crap actually. I bet you do the same thing.

 

Finally.....physical excercise and healthy eating. It does help actually. I am generally a lazy bastard as I spend way too much time playing games instead of trying to improve my life. I actually wasted most of today running around as an flippin Elf in bloody Warhammer Online! But I also took up running a few weeks ago. It felts weird at first because I was abit paranoid that I would look stupid.....and actually I do look stupid but I definitely felt batter once I had done it. There is also the added bonus that you will look physically better over time. However I still look like a nerdy wimp but over the coming months hopefully that will change somewhat.

 

So yeah......new job.....excercise.....leave home (in that order). Try and forget about the girlfriend thing for now. I know thats hard.....well.....actually no its impossible. I've tried to and it always haunts me but the annoying thing is that the only way you're gonna stand any chance of attracting someone is if you are a positive person who is working to improve your life. It will increase your chances and make you more attractive (says the person who cant get a girlfriend himself).

 

Sorry I've written an essay. I hope my ramblings help.

 

Oh and sorry one last thing. Cut the church visits out of your life even if it means pissing your parents off. Religious people are notorious for forcing their crazy belief systems on people that dont need or want it. You need to stand up for yourself and also think for yourself. Dont get sucked in by religious nonsense. They will use all manner of emotional and psychological blackamil to make you "do it their way" (religious people generally do) but you just need to stand up to them. You've already admitted that you dont like it so why bother going? Why would they want you to go anyway? To make them feel like its worth something? Sod that! You dont have time to waste on that crap! You've got your life to fix up right?

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systems crash.......i like your style.

I slightly disagree with one thing. In my office, i work with a man who is short, skinny, stooped and not good looking. However, his girlfriend is gorgeous.........truth is im envious to say he is a real joker and has the gift of the gab, hes a chick magnet. So, i believe as a bloke , always make the best of yourself.

When a man is physically ugly, i really dont believe its a problem.

I think for women who are perceived as being "ugly" that it is big issue.

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Feeling suicidal again. I really wish I could just die of natural causes. Why don't I come down with some terminal illness? Why don't I get murdered? Anytime I hear about someone dying in an accident or being murdered, I think to myself: Why them? Why not me? Why does someone who (presumably) wants to live, have to die? And someone who wishes for death has to keep on living.

 

What I would really love is to suffer a massive head injury and spend my life comatose. Technically, I wouldn't be dead, yet I wouldn't have to live either. However, there's no surefire way to put yourself into a coma that I'm aware of. Either that or I'd like to be completely insane and institutionalized. I'd have voices to keep me company.

 

I'm so tired of life. I wish it would just end. Sigh. Why do I feel the need to stay alive???

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Hey guy, I just wanted to add that I've not been completely honest with you and perhaps some other people I advised here. Although the meditations have opened me up to experiencing levels of peace beyond my imagination, I have not been practicing regularly since having these experiences and so I stopped channeling this peace. Laziness struck me and I'm still recovering from that. I'm not happy, rather I appreciate what I have accomplished and I'm very hopeful for the future.

 

Hang in there.. I understand your pain.

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