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To the Depths


kuiks8

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I am soo sad these days..inexplicably heavy with sorrow.

I will be riding the bus and I find i have to choke back tears. at night my eyes grow heavy under the weight of my sadness.

I can't pin point it. I want to name it exactly and I find it frustrating that i can't.

The depths of my sadness scare me. I am afraid to look at it, to examine it b/c I think part of me feels if I look at it too closely I won't come back from it...

My heart aches...

 

what do i do?

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I'm sorry. Did something happen? You should consider talking to your doctor if this is affecting your health.

 

that's the thing...i have a great life...most days I am positive and productive..it's just under the surface...almost running parallel to my happy life...

I separated from my husband in April and moved out to BC where i didn't know anyone in June...

it's just always present...

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that's the thing...i have a great life...most days I am positive and productive..it's just under the surface...almost running parallel to my happy life...

I separated from my husband in April and moved out to BC where i didn't know anyone in June...

it's just always present...

 

There is your clue hun. You are grieving the loss of that relationship. NO matter how much we think we dispise someone at the time, we have to grieve. PLus you left all you know, that is another thing to grieve. I still get like this about my baby that died. I burst into tears for no reason seemly. It is grief hun, go see your dr.

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There is your clue hun. You are grieving the loss of that relationship. NO matter how much we think we dispise someone at the time, we have to grieve. PLus you left all you know, that is another thing to grieve. I still get like this about my baby that died. I burst into tears for no reason seemly. It is grief hun, go see your dr.

 

I have had a hard time grieving the loss of my marriage...it was my choice to leave and it was the right choice that marriage was wrong from the day after the honeymoon. I don't want him back...I don't miss him very much at all...

He chose to act indifferent and relieved from the moment we separated...his attitude is that his life is now better without me and good riddance. We don't talk anymore, I had a weak moment and called him to ask about our dog b/c i missed her and he did his indifferent arrogant act and then sent me an email afterwards asking not to contact him again...

i don't want to be with him but I have such a hard time with his attitude towards me...

I should go see a counselor...

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I have had a hard time grieving the loss of my marriage...it was my choice to leave and it was the right choice that marriage was wrong from the day after the honeymoon. I don't want him back...I don't miss him very much at all...

He chose to act indifferent and relieved from the moment we separated...his attitude is that his life is now better without me and good riddance. We don't talk anymore, I had a weak moment and called him to ask about our dog b/c i missed her and he did his indifferent arrogant act and then sent me an email afterwards asking not to contact him again...

i don't want to be with him but I have such a hard time with his attitude towards me...

I should go see a counselor...

 

 

Honey you can not love someone anymore and not want to be with them etc, but the grief is still necessary and entirely normal. Grief is necessary to go on with your life. Think about it, seriously it has NOT been that long since you left and you changed your entire life. You are grieving your recent relationship and it is still fresh. It is very normal, but yes talk to someone. I know you feel out of control and that is normal too. Be kind and patient with yourself it has not been that long. HUGS

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This is quite a change from your recent posts. Is loneliness at fault? Are past traumas coming to a head? Without a suggestions, it will be difficult to help...

 

You have my sympathy...

 

She gave us the answer in her post. She and her husband broke up and she moved accross the country. Both massive reasons to have distress.

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You may be grieving the idea of being married for life, the happily ever after scenerio. I cry all most all the time because of the losses probably. It just hits me, on the bus usually, but I can blame in on the book I'm reading. You probably need to talk to someone, it'll help you work through your feelings. Divorce is hard, it's a loss, much like death, you go through the same feelings anyway.

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Thank you to everyone...i guess i do miss the idea of forever b/c i don't think i believe in it anymore. It was my wedding anniversary this past week and it is so hard to believe that on that day I thought everything was set...that i was on this path to complete happiness...

I felt like i finally fit in with my family, both my siblings are married and now have kids and i really don't have anything in common with them anymore...

no one in my family knows what to do with me b/c i don't fit the mold. I am the 1st person on either side of my families to be heading to divorce...i was back in Ontario in Aug and no one knew what to say to me...so we just didn't talk about it...

I like my life, i like my freedom, my independence...i love my apartment and my schooling, i am enjoying my new boyfriend but there is this part of me that is soo ashamed, i feel like a failure and a screw up...

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Those are all normal feelings. It's hard not fitting the mold, but they and you will adjust to your status. Just because you had one marriage not work doesn't mean your this super independent unmarriable type of woman. It just means that one relationship didn't work out. Marriage can be tough.

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I know how painful it is to feel that I "don't fit the mold" -- I never have. Our family was very close, but in a toxic way, and this made me feel like a misfit in the world, even outside with my peers. It took years and years of fighting for my own independence and my own path to realize I had to completely overhaul the idea that I even HAD to toe some line or fit some mold. My family had expectations that I haven't met; society has had expectations that I haven't met in ways, and what emerged and has been emerging is a person with her own set priorities about how life has to be lived.

 

The people who are blood relatives who now have "nothing in common" with that, and in your case, likely were not meant to be on your wavelength anyway, because people who are kindred souls tend to stay on parallel paths even if those paths look a lot different in the particulars. Those kindred souls may not be your family of origin -- in fact, count yourself lucky if they are! I am best friends with my younger sister, but hardly ever talk to my older one -- not because we don't love and care about eachother, but because we don't have the same vision of life and don't relate well.

 

So as you evolve, the people who are the most "right" and compatible with you will remain in your life...think of it as a sifting process. A continual sifting process, panning for gold, where you are always keeping the elements that you want and choosing them, and just letting the others go.

 

I know it's a lot easier said than done, and it DOES sound like you have some unresolved grief to work through; and that counseling would be a good idea. Be realistic about your life and mood -- you may enjoy the new things that are coming your way, but there are bound to be sad days, too, we can't ALWAYS be up and happy (and I notice that premenstrually, I get super aware of sadness and things I've lost, so maybe this upwelling comes along according to your time of month? Track it and see...I found it to be pretty dramatic.)

 

I also think that while you likely were out of your marriage emotionally long before you actually got out...it IS still a BIT soon to be having a full-fledged relationship now, without any hint of the past intruding. You sound like you were ready to embark on loving someone else, but still, the timing for this was rather close in my opinion, given that you had barely the time to move, settle in to school, and start building a new foundation. So it's possible that you haven't completely gotten comfortable in your newfound skin, out of your marriage, and done that grieving, before "moving on". I think it wasn't just saying goodbye to a man -- it was saying goodbye to a lifestyle, to a set of roles, a set of expectations and anticipated life plans, family members...that's pretty huge, and it's really asking a lot to just reconstruct all of that with a completely different face in 5 months or so.

 

And you are only 26! So you are in full bloom with much time to create a new definition for yourself, and to hope for all the things you thought you'd have before. A husband, possibly a family, whatever you wanted before is still available to you with ample time to discover your path to it...so I see nothing but opportunity and success here for you....NOT FAILURE!!

 

Your family will either come to grow along with you, or some members will...or, as I said, they will just become like any other acquaintances that you care about and vice versa, but you don't share your heart and soul with, because it wasn't meant to be that way with them. Others will have those roles. We have to fit in with ourselves first...then figure out who we fit with, being that. And to hell with molds. I don't see that they've ever really made anyone happy, just anxious or else inauthentic.

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Thank you TOV...i always appreciate your words, your experiences and your perspective.

I agree with the soul connection idea...I definitely have some people in my life who i connect with on a deeper more real level than with my family for sure.

 

I know it was soon for a relationship, and I wasn't looking for it but he is a great man who is understanding of where I am at and is able to accept where i have been...I don't want to give that up. I am hoping I can work through my grief, work on myself and still share parts of myself with him.

 

Thank you again!

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I am soo sad these days..inexplicably heavy with sorrow.

I will be riding the bus and I find i have to choke back tears. at night my eyes grow heavy under the weight of my sadness.

I can't pin point it. I want to name it exactly and I find it frustrating that i can't.

The depths of my sadness scare me. I am afraid to look at it, to examine it b/c I think part of me feels if I look at it too closely I won't come back from it...

My heart aches...

 

what do i do?

 

 

this is the exact way that i get!!! i dont really know why either! i dont know how to explain it nor do i know if it was the other reason(what me and you already talked about) but talking about it may really help...i know i repressed evrything tha happened to me and now i am remembering it all and it is so hard...i literally get sick and feel like im going to pass out when it comes to my mind!

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You might have some form of a chemical imbalance or clinical depression. I have a friend who has an awesome life, but no matter how good things can be she used to always be sad for no reason like you describe. She was okay during the good times, but when something remotely bad would happen it would just set her off. She went to see a doctor, and got diagnosed with clinical depression. It would definitely be worth it to go see somebody.

 

On another note, don't underestimate how the load of moving somewhere new where you don't know anybody can affect you. Two months ago, I moved 10 hours away from home to a city of 3 million where I didn't know a soul, and I'm still trying to adjust to the change of lifestyle. Back at home, I had my own house, a stable job, and I was deep in my comfort zone.. It was hard to let all of that go, and there have been nights where it feels like I'm having an anxiety attack because everything is so new.

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Think about it- you did two of the three most traumatic things a person can do. I think the list goes 1) death, 2) divorce, and 3) moving. Of course you're going to have some fallout!

 

I say embrace the sadness, let yourself grieve, and talk about it with someone. You have to go through it to get over it. Think how strong you'll come out on the other end. Something to look forward to!

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I'm glad you've found such an understanding and good partner for you now...

 

And I think I want to add that if you "feel like a failure" ask yourself WHAT do you feel you've failed at? You accomplished a brave move; you are doing well in school; you are holding down a healthy relationship; you left a bad marriage; you are following your dreams instead of just dreaming about them...

 

So if your mind starts playing the "failure" game, just try to pinpoint what that consists of, because it may not even hold water, when you break it down.

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Also, re: being a failure? You and 50% of the population (at least in America) are in the same boat. They can't all be failures- some of it might just be a problem with the structure of marriage in general. Not to say it can't work (50% do!) but to label yourself a failure is a bit harsh. The marriage may have failed, but there were two people involved. Don't take all the burden because you were the one to speak up. Reframe it in your mind as "it just didn't work out".

 

You won't consider it a failure when the outcome is positive, which it sounds like will happen if you stay on your path.

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Have you just tried letting the tears flow and crying your heart out whenever you feel sad? It might sound a little emasculating, but there have been times where I have gotten sad and I drop everything and come home and cry so hard/much for hours that it makes me dehydrated. But boy does it feel like a huge weight lifted after it's all over. Maybe you just need to find your release?

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