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when a kid is involved(vent)


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so the bf and i have been together for a year now.

 

when we first met he was 4 months out of a 3.5yr relationship with his ex gf.

 

his ex has a daughter(not his)at the time they started dating, so he kindof became a step dad to this little girl since the father wasnt around.

 

after they broke up he still kept in contact with the little girl mainly through the ex gfs brother, since my bf and the ex didnt end things on good terms.

 

the little girl still calls him "dad" and for the most part they are kindof close, when hes able to visit.

 

what bothers me about this is when we met he knew from the beginning that i had a 7 year old son with autism that is a big part of my life and i wouldnt be able to put him first.

 

i also mentioned that i wanted a man who would want to get to know my son, i wasnt looking for him to play "dad" but i did want their to be a bond as friends atleast, he agreed to all of this and we became exclusive after.

 

6 months into the relationship i finally felt comfortable enough to introduce him to my son, for the most part it went well.

 

after that meeting whenever he sees him he will say or ask how hes doing but it never goes beyond that, rarely does he include him in things unless i mention it.

 

im just not understanding how he could be so close to his exes kid, but not to mine? ive asked him this before and he said its because my son is older and hes not used to him yet.

 

but its been 6 months now i expected a little more involvement on his end but im not seeing that. lately when i bring it up he will change subjects or tell me hes not ready to invest himsself completely yet..

 

i can maybe understand where hes coming from, hes been involved with single parents before, things would end and the child loses that father figure.

 

im trying to sympathize and see things from his point of view but at the same time i feel like its a slap in the face to me and my child.

 

i know the common reply will be "leave him" and if it really came down to it and i had to pick between the two of course my son would win hands down. but the only reason i havent given up on him completely is the one reason stated above.

 

sometimes i feel kindof jealous that he still has this connection with the exes kid but doesnt have that with my kid.

 

wasnt really looking for advice, just needed to add this here.. thanks.

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well he was with his ex for over 3 years and im sure its much easier to be 'friends' with a little kid rather than a more grown up kid, plus you've only known him for a year and hes only known your son for 6 months. id give it more time and really pay attention to how he acts when around your son too.

 

maybe hes never dealt with people who have autism before? he could be just being cautious about his interactions with your son because of this too.

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Maybe he does not understand all the issues with your son. My son has autistic tendancies and a host of other issues. Many people are not comfortable with kids that are not "normal" as they see normal,know what I mean? Have you explained your son's condition and all the behavoirs? Maybe ask him if that is the issue. I know it is a big slap hun, really I do. I feel for you. I started a support thread for parents with kids with disabilities if you want to join us.

 

You are very right that you have to support your son in this issue. He has to be the focus.

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These are things you can neither force or rush. Maybe he will bond with your son, maybe he never will but 6 months to me is way to early to expect that bond to be formed.

 

is it wrong for me to expect him to atleast be friends with him and include him in things afer 6months? usually to bond with a kid you have to make an effort to want to get to know the kid, and he doesnt do much of that at all.

 

my son has high functioning autism, hes not severe and for the most part doesnt have many problems aside from stemming and speech impairment he does fine with other ppl, friendly kid.

 

ive explained to him before we became exclusive that my son was autistic and what it meant and he said he understood and was fine with it.

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is it wrong for me to expect him to atleast be friends with him and include him in things afer 6months?

 

It's not wrong but I think it is optimistic. He started a relationship with you only 4 months after a 3.5 year relationship during which he basically became a father to a young child.

 

That sort of thing takes years to get over, not months. My guess is that he ahs plenty of issues he is working through inside himself and a lot of them are conflicting ones. You either have to be willing to give him time (and that is no guarrantee) or of you are not then let him go because trying to force things with him won't work.

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(and that is no guarrantee) or of you are not then let him go because trying to force things with him won't work.

 

ive never forced him, ive sympathized with him because i know hes been through this a couple of times with single moms. i myself have gotten attached to men who had children who i became close with so i can kindof relate to what hes been through. thats why im not so quick to leave because of this..

 

but i did expect him to want to be more hands on and and want to be friends with him after 6months, guess i expected too much.

 

im just not understanding how a person can treat their significant others child as if theyre invisible half of the time, seems like most of the time he goes out of his way to avoid including him into things.

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Maybe he is just fearful of having his heart broken again?

 

i can understand that, thats why ive said i sympathize with him in first post, i know its not easy to end things and lose the *step child* in the process only to start over again with another single mom, i just expected more from him after i introduced him to my son..

 

i rarely ever introduce men to my son and i did so thinking things would be different after, only to see not much has changed as far as a friendship is concerned.

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well he was with his ex for over 3 years and im sure its much easier to be 'friends' with a little kid rather than a more grown up kid, plus you've only known him for a year and hes only known your son for 6 months.

 

as i stated in the OP he brought up that my kid is older before, i can kindof understand but i dont understand what me knowing him for a year and him knowing my son for 6months has to do with anything..

 

if he really wanted to make the effort he could, i wasnt expecting him to jump in and be "Dad" to my son but i did want him to atleast to be friends with him, 6 months is long enough to go beyond "saying hi how are you" to him.

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im just not understanding how a person can treat their significant others child as if theyre invisible half of the time

 

I would just be really surprised if he has resolved all the issues with his previous relationship. I have done this myself when my first marriage ended after 8 years. In hindsight I started my next relationship about 18 months later way too soon. The issues I still had from my marriage made me hold back in the first year or two of my current relationship.

 

I think your b/f is going through the same thing...and it is why he is reluctant to discuss it.

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When you say your bf is not including your son, what does that mean? If it means that you are all in the house and he's not engaging with him, maybe the solution is for the three of you to go out and do an activity that will foster some interaction.

 

Do you think you would feel differently about this if he wasn't so close to his ex's child? Maybe it's the comparison that is making this harder to fathom?

 

I do agree with the others that say to give it time. Sometimes people are just slow to bond depending on all sorts of factors: age, history, gender, etc. He may say he understands your son's special needs but still be afraid of doing the wrong thing.

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When you say your bf is not including your son, what does that mean? If it means that you are all in the house and he's not engaging with him, maybe the solution is for the three of you to go out and do an activity that will foster some interaction.

 

this is exactly what i meant by not including him, many of times we have gone to the lake or the park together, movies, arcades and he never mentions bringing my son along, i usually mention it. when we're at my place my bf doesnt really communicate much with my son other than "hi, whatsup"

"how are you"

 

Do you think you would feel differently about this if he wasn't so close to his ex's child? Maybe it's the comparison that is making this harder to fathom?

 

well thats part of the reason why i mentioned the exs kid in my OP, looking at the circumstances between both im not sure how hes able to manage to visit this child despite the bad history between him and the ex and still have that bond.

 

i dont know if id feel different, either way i feel crappy about it that my son is left out of the loop.

 

yet hes involved with me for a year now with my son being in the picture he manages to avoid him and doesnt take much interest in him, only me.

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well thats part of the reason why i mentioned the exs kid in my OP, looking at the circumstances between both im not sure how hes able to manage to visit this child despite the bad history between him and the ex and still have that bond.

 

I honestly don't think the two situations are worth comparing. Some people are not naturally comfortable with kids, and he might only be comfortable with his ex's child because he built the relationship from the ground up and had lots of time to do so.

 

i dont know if id feel different, either way i feel crappy about it that my son is left out of the loop.

 

yet hes involved with me for a year now with my son being in the picture he manages to avoid him and doesnt take much interest in him, only me.

 

I can totally understand feeling crappy about that. Unfortunately, it just sounds like the whole situation needs time. Keep suggesting outings for the three of you and try to find some common ground for the two of them. You can't force it but maybe you can help it along.

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I honestly don't think the two situations are worth comparing. Some people are not naturally comfortable with kids, and he might only be comfortable with his ex's child because he built the relationship from the ground up and had lots of time to do so.

 

i shouldntve said it was a comparison, i used his ex as an example to show that he is capable of connecting with another womans child, he has dated single moms before her as well and what seems to be a common factor from what he tells me is that he became close with each womans kid/s and naturally was able to get along with them, even in the last case became a father figure.

 

but when it comes to my son that is a different story, it could be many reasons named here not entirely sure why hes put off from wanting to know him.

 

but im not going to force the issue, i just dont plan to spend another year or two stuck at square one with him when it comes to my son, but ill give it some time, keep suggesting outings and see what happens.

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