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It’s been a month since my gf broke up with me and I’ve not seen or heard from her since. I’ve done a lot of thinking in that time and here is what I have learned about myself:

I’m 31 and have had 3 serious relationships and the characteristics of the girls have always been the same, they have all been younger, confident, ambitious and independent.

When I am single and trying to attract a particular person I too am cool and confident, somewhat nonchalant and to a certain extent seem to be able to get the girl I want. Trouble is I don’t really find too many that I am really attracted to, maybe attraction is a bad word to use in this case, I suppose what I mean is I can’t find too many I want a relationship with.

My problem, and it is my problem, is that after a couple of months of dating I change. I fall pretty hard for them and the confidence and coolness goes out of the window. The girl becomes the center of my world and I pretty much do anything for them, without being asked. I worry if a phone call or text goes unanswered, I panic that she will meet someone on a night out with the girls and I crave their attention 24/7. I basically become the exact opposite of the guy they fell for and even though I identified this quite early in my last relationship and there was nothing I could do to stop this happening. I hate myself for it. I much prefer the cool and confident me and to be honest I wouldn’t want a girl who liked the type of guy I become anyway.

So what do I do? I know from my last relationship that I cannot change and as I said I don’t want a different type of girl. Friends have said I should “play the field”, sleep around a bit but to be honest that just isn’t me. Maybe I’m just meant to be single forever.

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You've learned a very important thing: your patterns.

There's a sentence I've learned soon after my last break-up which says: if what you have done doesn't give you the results you want, try anything different.

 

I was reading my post and I was seeing myself there. I have the same problem as you and what I know is that it shows a low self-esteem issue.

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you sound similar to me delmo, but i don't obsess or panic that they will meet someone else. i think you need to rationalise with yourself that if they like you enough to want to be in a relationship with you, that they will stay with you.

 

have you had anyone cheat on you in the past?

 

i don't think it's a bad thing to make someone the centre of your world in a relationship. i am an old fashioned sort of guy when it comes to relationships. i like to take on the role of provider and protector and i do like to give a lot. I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with that, as there are plenty of women who do want that in a man.

 

the opposite of making someone the centre of your world is being indifferent and aloof and i don't know any woman that wants that in a man.

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have you had anyone cheat on you in the past?

 

Yup, gf number 1. Found out she was seeing someone from her work for 6 months before she finished with me Her best friend told me as she felt so sorry for me). Definitely left it's mark on me. I've also realized that with gf 2 and gf 3 I was expecting and picturing them breaking up with me from quite early on.

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