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Hello,

 

After I red the responses to my last post in this forum something came up to my mind. If I want to change my way of life, getting out of this despression that last since years, I have to change and move on with the past. But I asked myself: What if your personality doesn't alow you to change ? I refer to the post of Tyler on this very same forum.

 

From a certain perspective everyone says: Be yourself, enjoy yourself for what you are. But what if the cause of all the pain is your personality ( for example being socially ackward ) ? Technically it would mean you have to change ... but how can you enjoy yourself if you have to be different because your own way isn't good enough ?

 

This question stroke my mind and I don't know how people handle this. Is it possible that certain "types" of people like me are doomed in this society because they don't fit in well ? Personally I don't want to be "normal" like others, am not a sheep and I don't like to run with the pack. But this only resulted in even more failure ...

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I don't think people are fated or doomed to be happy or unhappy. If you're unhappy then you need to work to change that, if that's what you want.

 

If you don't like your personality then work to change that. A personality is not a fixed thing.

 

If you feel that your identity is bound up with being unhappy, then you have to ask yourself whether you may in fact enjoy being unhappy. Our identities are bound up with whatever we decide they are bound up with, and if we don't like where they are currently, we need to work to change that.

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i think that "by being yourself", the point is that you be what YOU want to be, and not what others want you to be, because that is bound to conflict with what you want and thus not work out in the long run.

 

you can however be unhappy with yourself and wish to change that...i don't see why you can't do that...you'd stil be yourself - you'd just be a different self that had been there all along in potential but just wasn't released....if that makes any sense?

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Whenever I give the "be yourself" advice, I always try to give it with a stipulation: make sure you like who that self is.

 

For example, a person who is cranky and angry all the time might say, This is who I am, I'm not changing just to fit in. But that person would have to ask himself if living this way is actually making him happy. He may just be being himself, but does his personality need some work?

 

I don't think there is anyone "doomed" in society because he/she doesn't fit in. I think what needs to happen is that we figure out who we really are, and then how to be the best version of that. It also means learning to interact with others in a positive way. It never means being false, just taking our core personality and shaping it in a way that allows us to live in a world with others. It involves taking all the things that are positive about ourselves, our skills and passions and talents, and presenting them to the world in the most effective way possible. Sometimes it also means that you have to find "your people". I would guess that a lot of those who feel alienated may not have found like-minded individuals in their lives yet.

 

The fact is, humans are social creatures. We might tell ourselves that we're happy alone, happy not fitting in somewhere, with someone, but that often isn't true.

 

Your personality isn't what stops you from changing. Everyone has the capacity to change. It's a lot of work but it can be done.

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