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Am I pushing boyfriend away?


sunshinedc12
How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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HELP!

 

My boyfriend and I have dated for 9 months. We fight probably far more than the average couple and over the stupidest things. For example, one time we fought long and hard because he didn't hold my hand long enough. Another time he fought because he was late for dinner. Last night he didn't come over and see me, even though I came from out of town early just to see him. I guess I made him feel guilty for picking to hang out and drink with his friends, and he arrived at my door fairly drunk around 1 a.m., at which time I promptly threw him out, cursed him out and immediately said the meanest things I could think of. Despite this all, in the PAST, I always felt like he was "the one."

 

Truth be told, he doesn't treat me wonderfully, but he's all right. He makes dinner a couple of times a week and tries to contribute by buying groceries. We do not live together, but he has my key which he uses a lot because he lives at home with his father (a fairly irrelevant sidebar: his father is wealthy and lives in a mansion). He isn't very romantic and not super ambitious. He thinks he is just going to inherit his father's stuff. We are pretty much exact opposite. I know he loves me a lot, but sometimes his actions are not consistent.

 

I am pregnant, six weeks. We want the baby but I believe I am miscarrying. I believe all the unnatural stress stemming from discovering the pregnancy has begun the miscarriage process. For example, we had planned on marrying immediately via eloping, but after he spoke with his father, he decided we should wait. That was very upsetting, because we always said should I get pregnant we would marry immediately and make our new family work. My parents do not know I am pregnant at age 30.

 

Being superficial, I decided if I am not miscarrying that it's best for me just to move. I do not want to be pregnant and unmarried here in my hometown. That is a hard decision, because it would require me to give up an excellent job and start over. We fought over my potentially moving, and he is adamantly against it. He finally confessed and said i should abort our baby, that we can't do this. I broke up with him and, again, said mean things to him. That was a week ago, and our relationship has been over since.

 

My boyfriend does not have his life together. He is several years younger. Luckily, I am a bit older and my life is together. I make ten times his salary, literally, so I would be the one financially supporting the baby and the two of us.

 

Because he chose not to propose to me, I have effectively pushed him away, even lying and saying I cheated on him. I don't see much of a reason to have him around if he does not want to marry. After all, he doesn't have the financial support to raise a baby anyway. But, as I said, I am fairly certain I am miscarrying our child, and I will know for sure this week.

 

I need help understanding (1) if my relationship is destructive, (2) whether I expect too much of my boyfriend, and (3) if I should just call it quits.

 

THANK YOU!

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I think you can do better. You've only been together 9 months and already things are not so good... it's an indication of what your life would be like with him. FOREVER. Take some time apart and see if you miss him and for what reasons. Time away should give you some perspective, but it does sound as though you're miles ahead of him in adult-land, while he's back around the mentality of a 18 year old. If you do not miscarry, will you keep the baby, even if he is not around? This sounds like a very rough time for you, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this.

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From all I've red (and I did it twice) I get a feeling that you feel trapped in not so good situation - you're pregnant, you expected your bf would marry you if you get pregnant and now he is delaying that. On another note as you say...there is a lot of difference between you and your bf and there are some stuff you don't really like. There is also that thing that you're dating just 9 months - basically I don't think that you can really get to know a person in such time span to have a good marriage (it can happen but it doesn't more often than not).

 

What you need to do is to think what do you really want from it all? What would you do if there was no baby?

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Thank you for your response. Honestly, I think I would give our baby up for adoption if I do not marry. I did take a vacation this past weekend to think about our "situation," and I admit I missed him the entire time. He said he missed me too, so I was very disappointed that when I returned to town he did not bother coming over until I made him feel guilty. Drama! Anyway, thanks again for your help.

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Good questions, Pegasus. You asked what I would do if there were no baby. I do not know. I know there are so many moments with him in which it feels so right, and others in which it feels so wrong. I think I would probably continue dating him and others at the same time. Thank you for your response.

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Good questions, Pegasus. You asked what I would do if there were no baby. I do not know. I know there are so many moments with him in which it feels so right, and others in which it feels so wrong. I think I would probably continue dating him and others at the same time. Thank you for your response.

 

If bad times are more often than good times, then it's becoming a problem. You indicated that you would also date others if there is no baby - you're far from sure that this guy is way to go and having a baby won't change it. Love is often not enough to make it.

 

Another thing crossed my mind - you've said that his father told him not to marry you at this point. How old is he?

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Trust me when I say (from experience) that men like that do not change. So, unless you can live with him exactly like he is right now, I would not marry him even if you are still PG. In the long run you'll essentially be a single woman who works to support the family and take care of a baby... who has a room mate (your boyfriend) who hangs around.

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