billabong89 Posted September 28, 2008 Share Posted September 28, 2008 My ex and I have been sending an e-mail once a week to each other. Just short and generic about how we're doing. Well after sending her one 6 days ago asking a few questions about how shes doing and nothing about how I was doing this is what I get back.... Billabong89 my parents just called and said there is another proactiv at their house under your name. So if you want go to my parents house and they will give you money, I'm not sure how much it is cause u always paid for it. Or else go over there and take the whole package. I don't know why its not cancelled, if u need me to do anything let me know! Take care Then I started hoping "Hey Maybe its a package or her parents have something she mailed to me" Then I came back to reality, sometimes LC just kicks you in the nuts for lack of a better description. Link to comment
COtuner Posted September 28, 2008 Share Posted September 28, 2008 Amen. It's painful because you reach the point where they are being friendly and writing stuff to you.... mine writes a few times a day... but you are stuck, unable to win them back like you could during a little quarrel or something. I've hinted at the fact that I miss him with a carefully worded phrase, and my ex thanks me for thinking about him or sends a hug. I read that as pity He has sent me a couple emails describing a situation where he thought of me, but again, no words with it to clarify how I am supposed to read that.... so I make the assumption that it's just him saying he still thinks of me, but that is it. Link to comment
Sparkie Posted September 28, 2008 Share Posted September 28, 2008 Amen. It's painful because you reach the point where they are being friendly I agree. It takes so much mental energy to get from NC into LC that in the beginning, this seems like a success. And then the LC just keeps going. I am getting some small results, but it worries me that this can just play out for ages. Still better than NC though. Treat the gaps in LC as NC and work on yourself, without the head**** of not being able to contact them. Thats my plan Link to comment
COtuner Posted September 28, 2008 Share Posted September 28, 2008 For me (don't know about billabong) there aren't too many gaps, it's the arms length nature of what is being said. Descriptions of their day, descriptions of interesting events, sharing of something unexpected that just happened (habit of going to me first), wishing me sweet dreams at night before bed.... but that's it. sparkie, yes, I'm with you, continuing to work on myself. I mean, what better time to focus on oneself? Link to comment
billabong89 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Share Posted September 28, 2008 Thanks guys for the replies. Yes it is hard when you go from NC to LC you start trying to read into everything when there's nothing to read into. Then you forget what the whole point of the break up is....to work on yourself and mprove yourself. I leave in 2 months for a backpacking trip and it worries me. What happens if she says I miss you and I want you back? Christmas is her favorite time of the year what happens if she invites me? I wish I had a crystal ball that I could shake and see my future. I say the best quote on this site..."You must be willing to let go of the life you planned, as to have the life that's waiting for you." (thanks blue...got it from another thread) These quotes and sayings are great but they suck at the same time, because they make you realize what you have to do and that you don't have the control to make your ex come back.....as the saying goes "whats meant to be is meant to be" (Once I die the first thing I am doing is kicking the person who made that saying in the shins...lol) Link to comment
billabong89 Posted September 29, 2008 Author Share Posted September 29, 2008 Is there anyone that can give me some reassurance....Here I am missing my ex every single day constantly thinking about her. We were gonna move down to Mexico for a year since she got a job down there, although we broke up back in June. Now she lives in Mexico and I live in Canada. I;m going on a backpacking trip to aus and se asia. I just want to know that there is a chance that her and I could get back together. We're in LC right now and its hard because she doenst even like e-mails and there so un-emotional....is it alright to ask for her phone number there?? Not just that any ideas, should I send her a letter, I was thinking about a package but still not sure.....wow am i lost, wish I could just have her back in my arms Link to comment
Mayday11 Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 If LC is too difficult for you, you're doing it wrong. You obviously haven't taken a sufficient amount of time to heal and prepare yourself for LC. There's also a good chance that since you haven't healed from the breakup, you're going to unintentionally give off this impression during your communications with your ex. An email once a week, in my opinion, is too much. You need more time. No one on here can tell you if you guys will get back together. On top of that, if you do get back together, no one knows whether it will be tomorrow or years from now. Personally, I think you'll improve your chances of a reconciliation if you focus more on your own healing right now and put any idea of reconciliation on the back burner while doing so. It doesn't sound to me like you're in a good position to be able to tackle such a thing successfully at this point in time. So, no, don't ask for her number, don't send her a letter or a package, don't do anything right now but work on yourself. There will be plenty of time down the road to do these things when you've got a much more level head and are strong enough to handle any potential large disappointments. Link to comment
billabong89 Posted October 3, 2008 Author Share Posted October 3, 2008 So how do I do LC properly? How do I heal and at the same time work on getting her back? Why do I constantly think of her? I know I made some mistakes when we dated and I know she made some too. Someone please tell me how I get back together with her and heal in the meantime. I want her to know I'm still here and I know at times that may be a bad thing since she knows she has something to fall back on. When is it ok to ask if she's seeing anyone? The plan I have in my head and I know you shouldnt plan because it never happens that way but I was hoping to go on my backpacking trip and if we are still LC at the end of it I would come back work for a bit then fly down for her birthday. Is that dumb? Then theres a part of me that doesn;t even want to go backpacking because I'd rather be with her....Sorry for all this but I needed to vent so badly. I got laser eye surgery this week and I was hoping she would at least e-mail me and ask how it went and If I was ok. But she didn;t and that really sucked! Does that mean she doesn;t care for me? I wish I knew if she still thinks of me and misses me. Should I ask her if she wants to keep e-mailing. I know I shouldn;t ask for her phone number. My heads spinning around and I feel like I don;t have control over it. I almost want to get on a plane fly down there and talk to her face to face...is love really this complicated at times? Link to comment
jasper01 Posted October 3, 2008 Share Posted October 3, 2008 I'm having that problem too right now. A friend of mine once said this to me about this and I always remembered it. 'When in doubt do nothing'. Link to comment
billabong89 Posted October 3, 2008 Author Share Posted October 3, 2008 Thats easier said than done. I've been wanting to send her a package for a while now and I keep holding off on it. I also have a note I;ve been typing over and over again that I want to send with it. I just need some guidance because I feel torn and lost. Link to comment
jasper01 Posted October 3, 2008 Share Posted October 3, 2008 Control..control..you must learn control!! Link to comment
billabong89 Posted October 3, 2008 Author Share Posted October 3, 2008 Yeah and I've been controlling. Its like controlling a ship blind folded. Sure you can control the ship but which way do you steer it? Link to comment
jasper01 Posted October 3, 2008 Share Posted October 3, 2008 You'll have to ask Yoda. There is no try. When in doubt do nothing. Link to comment
COtuner Posted October 3, 2008 Share Posted October 3, 2008 Catching up a little late.... Not asking about eye surgery is a bit disturbing. My ex is all over whatever stuff he knows about my life (which is only 3 things right now) and constantly mentions it. Link to comment
billabong89 Posted October 3, 2008 Author Share Posted October 3, 2008 Its weird because she told me good luck with it and assured me it would go great. The e-mail I got from her was just all about this proactiv stuff I got her back in the spring and she wanted to get that sorted out. If anyone can go back and read what else I typed out on this post and give me some advice on how to go about getting her back and whens a good time to ask if shes seeing someone and so on...would be greatly appreciated! Link to comment
COtuner Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 I don't know if this is advice or not, but one thing I have found helpful is to redefine my environment. Meaning to create a new daily routine, new plans for the future... basically alter everything possible to fill in where my ex was. Surprisingly, that has helped somewhat, even though I am in LC and trying to get back together. What it gives me is a slightly different focus on daily life, not to mention more to talk about if he asks. Stuff that I wasn't doing when he was last with me, plans he didn't know about, achievements I am proud of... it sounds like you haven't managed to "backfill" yet. Not the same as replacing her, but you will feel more positive and that will come accross when you talk. As for how often you should talk, I don't think asking her is the best way to go. What kinds of things do you normally email about? Link to comment
billabong89 Posted October 4, 2008 Author Share Posted October 4, 2008 Hey Cotuner, Your right I haven't "backfilled" that much at all lately. The e-mails are generic basicaly asking her how things are down there and I don;t really talk much about what I'm doing. After dating her for 3.5 yrs I known she's not a huge fan of e-mails, the last e-mail I sent her was on Sept 29 and I still haven't heard anything from her. The e-mail read... Thanks, I just flew into C last night for my laser eye surgery and with all the pre-op, op and post op stuff I'll be here till Oct 1. Not to sure when I'll be able to drive after but hopefully it will be soon. Are your parents leaving on any trips soon or will they be home? Don't worry about doing anything for it, I'll make sure its all taken care of. Well I booked my flights for Aus and SE Asia finally! So whats a normal week like for you down there? How many kids do you have in your morning and afternoon? Have you went on any field trips yet? I so miss field trips back in school I think that was the best time. Guess when you grow up field trips turn into road trips. Wish you all the best, talk to you again! I hate waiting, but what else is there to do. I can't tell her "I know your not a big fan of e-mails so how about I give you a call sometime" Link to comment
billabong89 Posted October 4, 2008 Author Share Posted October 4, 2008 How do you really know your ex wants to stay in contact with you? Yeah when we broke up we told each other stay in touch but how do you know they like hearing from you? Link to comment
COtuner Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 I think your email was fine. It was casual, chatty, informative and friendly. Not sure about the one line: Don't worry about doing anything for it, I'll make sure its all taken care of. That seems a bit like projecting yourself into her life. All depends on the person though My ex was hard to read for weeks. (still is, I guess, to some extent) He cracked one evening and said he liked the personality in the emails I'd been sending. At that point I knew he was reading them with some interest. Mine had far less personal information than yours - I was focused on supporting his job search because I knew he didn't really have many others doing that, and had had a streak of very bad luck (including our fight and the breakup). He didn't know anything about me, except that I was busy and happy. He was quite surprised at our inperson to hear how many things had changed in what to him was 5 weeks (in reality, this had been going on for a few months). I guess the point being, you have to see something concrete that says they like your emails or look for them. I trusted my gut instincts based on 4 years with him and the tone of the breakup to decide what to do (it spiralled out of control so quickly). Link to comment
billabong89 Posted October 4, 2008 Author Share Posted October 4, 2008 Thats what I'm going on is the tone of the break-up. To be honest I don;t even know what started it but it came to a point her and I both didn;t do anything about it. So we told each other if it happens like that again maybe its time to break-up....well guess what a couple weeks later we borke up. Right after we did we were both saying "I don't even know what to do with myself now" WHy does hindsight have to be 20/20? Why couldn't we have worked things out, we were great together. There's not one day that goes by where I don't think of her. There's not one morning that goes by I wish I could wake up next to her and kiss her then say "Good morning sweetheart"...the list goes on. I have a plan though and it will take sometime but I am hoping it works.... Guess the other thing I can hold onto is the fact that most of our stuff is packed in boxes and theres going to be some point we have to unpack things.... Link to comment
COtuner Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 We get complacent, it happens. Forgive yourself. I've asked myself similar questions, and I suspect my ex has too. The tone of the breakup was "I can't believe we would ever get to this point." and "what the heck just happened?" Link to comment
billabong89 Posted October 5, 2008 Author Share Posted October 5, 2008 Yes sadly we do get complacent and then we lose the one we love the most. After reading a bunch of threads, I've decided that in order to get your ex back there are certain steps you must take. As I am taking time to heal and reflect on the relationship and figure out all the learnings from it I can I am also working towards giving it one last shot. I've been wanting to send her a package for almost 2 months now and have continually held myself back. By the end of the month I will be sending the package. Hopefully she will get it by mid November right before I leave for my trip. Then right before I leave which is Nov 30 I will give her parents a Christmas stocking that we made together filled with some small Christmas presents. Why you may ask...Well there was a time in the relationship I was gone for 2 months abd half way through she sent me a care package. It meant the world to me, it wasn;t about what was inside the package it was the fact that she went through the effort to send me something. I'm hoping by sending this it will spark the good memories we shared together and while I'm travelling we'll stay in contact and be happy to hear from each other. I was going to send her a heart felt letter but I've decided not to send it right away. We'll see what happens with this and go from there/ Link to comment
COtuner Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 It's worth a try... associating it with good memories makes sense to me. I wish you luck with the plan! (my ex and I met tonight at the place he first saw me, although I didn't meet him until later) Link to comment
billabong89 Posted October 5, 2008 Author Share Posted October 5, 2008 Thanks this is what I'm going to send The first season of 7th Heaven Cocoa Butter Lotion Her fav choc Mini wheats Tea Incense I was also thinking of sending a calling card...but I'm thinking that might hint to something too much.... Oh yeah I ordered a choc christmas calendar, so I have to wait till that gets in. Its her favorite and I know she hasn't had it in years.. Link to comment
COtuner Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 Sounds like a nice thoughtful package, doesn't come on strong, isn't overly expensive. Link to comment
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