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Doubts about textbook break up procedures


julioiglesia

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Hey all. I've used this site for various reasons

1) to feel not alone in times of hardship and seeing that others are in the same boat

2) finding answers to questions that don't ask for concrete/ have concrete answers.

 

From the information that I gathered from experts is that

when someone dumps you, you just gotta let them go without resistance because no matter how much you want it your way, your partner already made up her mind. Being at peace with the decision seems to be the outcome.

 

So does that mean the dumpee has to let go of someone whenever they wish you leave you WITH OUT a fight? when do you draw the line? IF the outcome is all gonna be the same. only .00001percent of the dumpee gets their ex back then it doesn't matter to try right? what about those movies where the dumpee pleads and the dumper finally see the light and comes back together?

Is that for real?

 

giving up without a fight that you gonna lose anyways why try right?

with that kind of attitude divorce rates will skyrocket in this world.

what happpened to good ol fashioned values of give n take and make up and reconcile?

 

I am very confused and i need some one your guidance.

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Times may change, but humans deep down inside do not. Im not sure what your fight is about, but simply avoiding it can leave some bottled tension that you might not want. Sometimes its best to accept that your were wrong. If the person wants to go, there are reasons. Some of which we may never understand, but its not our job to. This life is and has always been about you, not them, or you and them. The percentages of outcomes, they do not really matter, i believe there is a chance for reconciliation no matter what, its how we choose to go about doing this, that makes the difference. About the movies, think about all movies youve ever seen, they are all about huge events, out of the ordinary events. Love stories are the same, sure they can happen, but they dont happen all that often or they wouldnt be so celebrated as they are.

 

Stick around for a while, keep reading, not to long ago, i was right where you are asking the exact same questions, i dont have the answers yet, but i feel as though my life is heading in the right direction.

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From the information that I gathered from experts is that

when someone dumps you, you just gotta let them go without resistance because no matter how much you want it your way, your partner already made up her mind.

 

Here's the thing...it takes both partners to make a relationship work. If one doesn't want to be there, the whole thing falls apart. You cannot force someone to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in. Oh, sure, I suppose you could lock them up and threaten their family and pets with bodily harm if they left...but then you start treading on "psycho" terriority and they're not with you because the WANT to be, are they?

 

Seems to me a better use of time & effort to find someone who wants to be with you....not someone who needs to be convinced or coereced into being with you.

 

So does that mean the dumpee has to let go of someone whenever they wish you leave you WITH OUT a fight? when do you draw the line?

 

When it stops being the dumpee stating their opinion/hope and it starts becoming blatantly disrespectful of the dumper's ability and right to make choices for themselves. In a less emotionally charged example, let's look at dinner options:

 

Person A: I think I'd like steak for dinner

Person B: I think you should have chicken.

A: (thinks) Nah, I'm craving steak.

B: But chicken is better for you

A: I have a taste for steak, thanks.

B: The chicken is good.

A: I had chicken before, I don't want it now

B: The chicken will be different this time

A: Are you not listening to me? I said I WANT STEAK.

 

 

I have had break-up conversations that aren't markedly different from that. The person seeking to end the relationship states what they want and the other person keeps telling them why they shouldn't want that.

 

Before you ask, "Why should the dumper get what they want?" Think back to point #1 - It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. I don't care how wonderful the dumpee thinks the dumper is --- eventually it will dawn on the dumpee (if the dumpee is reasonably mentally healthy) that trying to have a relationship with someone who does not want to be with them is not a good situation to be in.

 

what about those movies where the dumpee pleads and the dumper finally see the light and comes back together?

Is that for real?

 

Um....it's the movies. It's not real. It's that screen writer's vision of how things should be -- it's a fantasy. Lest you think that's a flip comment, lemme tell you that I've historically had a bit of a problem with a rather blurry line between "fiction" and "reality." There was a point in my life that I quit watching movies/TV shows or reading books in the "romantic comedy" genre because I kept expecting real life to be like that and being horribly, horribly disappointed.

 

It was only when I could say, "nice story, but real life's not like that" that I was able to start getting a good idea of what a healthy, reality-based realtionship was made of.

 

Dunno about you, but I think I deserve better than being with someone who has to be convinced they want to be with me.

 

what happpened to good ol fashioned values of give n take and make up and reconcile?

 

They're still there, but still, you need to have point #1 in place -- Both parties have to want to be 1. In a relationship and 2. In a relationship with each other for those things to work.

 

And before you go off about rising divorce rates, you have to look at the whole picture about divorce rates in the past -- There were plenty of women who stayed in bad marriages in the past because they did not have other financial options to support themselves/their children. Women working outside the home in large numbers is something that's really only happened in my lifetime (I'm 44).

 

People's lifespans have lengthened over even the last 50 years. "Til death do us part" was (on average) shorter in the past then it is today. People live longer thanks to medical advancements, better nutrition and less people making their living doing physically dangerous things. Less women die in childbirth now than in the past. There's a lot of little things that have added up to give us longer lives than previous generations.

 

There was also a much bigger social stigma toward divorce even just a few decades ago than there is now. I remember when I was in junior high and a friend's parents were getting divorced -- it was rare, it wasn't something we talked about except in hushed whispers and with the idea that something was seriously wrong. Point being this: there were probably some people who stayed in less-than-healthy-marriages because of societal pressure.

 

So, you can't boil divorce rates down to "people just don't want to work things out" it's a much bigger and more complex issue than that.

 

But, really, it all comes down to point #1 - It takes both partners to make a relationship work. If one doesn't want to be there, the whole thing falls apart.

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