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Capella

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This is long, but please help me.

 

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. We have been on and off for a few years. We are the only people each of us has ever actually loved. We had been broken up for about 6 months and then he came back to me all hysterical when he found out I was with someone else. Then two months into being together, he broke up with me. He said he was still in love with me, but couldn't deal with the fighting between us and wanted to have more experience with another relationship. We had been fighting over the amount of contact this one girl was having with him. I felt in my heart she was trying to take him away and her intentions were more than as a friend. He claimed she didn't want him and he didn't want her. Less than a week after our break up they got together! Looks like I was right about both of their intentions! How he could be with someone so conniving and disrespectful is beyond me, but we all get what we give and so will she for being so underhanded.

 

Anyway, when he left he said he was still in love with me and I know he is because I could see it and feel it. The day he ended it was the last day I talked to him. I went straight into NC. Then a few weeks later, he texts me telling me he wishes I were his friend because he still valued me. I said I didn't think it was possible, but he insisted. I asked him how he could go from being with me to being friends with me so quickly and his own response, without any prodding, was “because that is all we can be right now.” I asked him what “right now” meant and he said he was still thinking of me and all I had said and that he was comparing me with others and considering me an option. Again, he introduced this idea on his own. I told him I still didn’t see how it could be done and that I had found someone else; that obviously upset him because he immediately ended the conversation. The next day, he texted me again, as well as the day after.

 

One morning he texted me again…I had gone out early and come back home around 11am or so. I texted him that I had just come home and would be leaving soon. Right away he got upset and asked if I had even slept at home (assuming I had spent the night at my boyfriend's house). I refused to answer and he pressed and said "well??" After that he texted again complaining I never went online anymore.

 

Eventually, I went online and HE started talking to ME. He asked about my new boyfriend, what he was like, how long we had been together, what he did, what he looked like, how I met him, etc. He even asked if I had a picture of him. What he heck. Once he asked "How is he doing?" in a dry way. He obviously didn’t care how my boyfriend was. He also notices when I change my status online and if it is remotely romantic, he asks, "Is that for him? How sweet." Then at other times, he will make comments such as "I heard all *insert my new boyfriend's ethnicity* are born with AIDS. You should keep that in mind." As to mean that I shouldn't be with someone as bad as him. Or he'll say, "have fun after work with your boyfriend" when he doesn’t even mean it…as if wanting for me to deny that I will be with him or just being dry and sarcastic about it.

 

At first I was not very responsive. Whenever he asked something, I’d say, “Ok.” or “Yes.” Nothing very complicated because I wasn’t about to just act like we were best friends. He got upset and said, "I'm going to leave you alone now because you're being cold." I told him I didn’t know what he expected. Lately, his questions haven't been as blatantly jealous and his attitude has calmed down. However, he still uses a sweet tone and words he always did with me.

 

I just don’t understand what is going on. This is NOT what friendships are about. As friends, he shouldn't ask if I sleep at home or what I do with my new boyfriend or make snide little jealous comments. He shouldn't even WANT to know. He said we would only be friends...so why talk to me like that? I certainly never inquire about his girlfriend. I don't even THINK about asking about her.

 

He talks to me as if nothing had gone wrong between us and has conversations with me about topics he knows we both enjoy. He'll even say, as I leave, "I am looking forward to having awesome conversations with you again." It must mean he can't have the same sort of conversations with his new girlfriend or something, right? Otherwise, why not just talk to her about these things, especially if they are in a new relationship?

 

I think it is obvious he still has feelings for me and thinks a lot about me, otherwise he wouldn’t get angry at the thought of me spending the night with another man. Still, I don’t get it. I certainly don’t contact him. He has been the one to initiate every contact and I never talk to him non-stop for hours. I do have a life. I do things and I am hardly at the computer. I always make sure he knows when I am going out with my boyfriend or that I need to work or that I am simply busy. I do not put things off to talk to him online. I do not act desperate or give him too much attention. I am much friendlier than at the beginning, but not clingy or desperate and I have definitely not tried to hint at getting back or asking about his relationship or feelings for me.

 

I don't even think his girlfriend knows we talk or that he acts this way and asks me such things...or that he still thinks of me, has feelings for me, and is considering me an option. Right? Because I don't think she'd be ok with that. I don’t think he’s going to tell her, “I demanded to know if my ex girlfriend slept over at her new boyfriend’s house and I told her I think of her and always consider her an aption” and that she’d be, “Oh, great!” He has to be hiding our contact from her or at least dramatically downplaying it. Why?

 

Aren't people in new relationships, especially if they were the ones to break up, totally disinterested in their exes? I mean, I have seen people on here say "when they have someone new, they won't talk to you, the ex, anymore. AT ALL" But here, they have been together for only a few weeks, and he's already acting jealous and possessive over me? How does that make sense?

 

All the other times we have broken up and he has been pursuing someone, he has NEVER contacted me until he wanted to get back. Never has he contacted me right after breaking up, because he was too busy being with others. But now that he actually has a new girlfriend he acts jealous, possessive, and wants to talk to me? Why? It makes no sense. I figured he’d be walking on clouds with his new girlfriend and not even wanting to look back. That’s the way he has acted every other time.

 

So why the contact? Is it because he told me from the beginning that he is considering me as an option and doesn’t want me to continue moving on and forget about him? Is it because he is still in love with me, and although he wants to try something new (the whole the grass is greener on the other side), still misses and wants me at the same time?

 

I admit I do have feelings for him and I wouldn’t turn away a chance at being with him if he came back AND I still had feelings for him. However, I don’t know how to go about this. Do I go NC or do I stay at LC? I mean, HE initiated it after telling me he quite clearly does NOT see me ONLY as a friend. So that means I am not friendzoned and that this LC isn’t about that. But what I want to know is what is best for him to realize my worth and analyze his actions? I don’t want him to have his cake and eat it too…like I don’t want him to take me for granted and to think he has me at his side. He shouldn’t have the best of two worlds: a new girlfriend and the ex to provide him with comfort. I want him to miss me and realize what he threw away. So should I stay in LC or go NC? Will low contact help him see what he still loves and values about me? Would NC help him forget me now that he has someone new? Or does “absense make the heart grow fonder”?

 

And I do know on this board NC is recommended for my healing and to move on, etc. I already know that.

 

What I want to know is what is best for him to realize what we had, considering that he has admitted he still considers me and that he has shown he obviously has feelings? And why do you guys think he has acted the way he has despite being with someone new?

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I think you know the answers to those two questions already.

 

You're doing what's best to make him realize what you both had. It's smacked him in the face and woken him up.

 

And he's clearly still wanting you. Whether it's just fear of losing what he thought was his or if he really appreciates you now is uncertain.

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I think you know the answers to those two questions already.

 

You're doing what's best to make him realize what you both had. It's smacked him in the face and woken him up.

 

And he's clearly still wanting you. Whether it's just fear of losing what he thought was his or if he really appreciates you now is uncertain.

 

 

I agree. It's just that I don't want to be overly confident and think he is still in love with me and always thinks of me, etc. I don't want to get my own hopes up.

 

I just don't get how he can be with someone who was so underhanded in the way she went about taking him away from me. Someone like that is not worth a cent. I believe we all get what we give in this life and apparently this girl is already getting hers, because he has quite obviously let me know about his feelings and is talking to me already.

 

I also don't know how long he will be able to keep this rebound up if he still has feelings for me. He obviously rushed into something else and rebounds like that rarely ever work out, especially if he is already contacting me and acting this way.

 

 

This is so confusing and hard.

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Last night and the night before he texted me reminiscing about old times. This happened out of the blue. I really didn't expect it. Each time he texts it only lasts for 3-4 texts and then it stops. Then last night, about 3 hours after the last text between us, he texted "Night" to me. I didn't respond because I was already asleep. I don't get it. He also talks to me online whenever he can. Why is he doing this? He has a new girlfriend. It confuses and hurts me so much, because I don't get it. On the one hand, it is clear he still has feelings, but on the other he continues to be with the rebound. Does he need more time to realize that the grass really isn't greener on the other side? Why be sweet and reminisce with me? I'm sure the new girlfriend doesn't even know. Why? What do I do?

 

I never text him first, I never IM him first. I never initiate contact and I am never overly enthusiastic. I am going on with my life and playing it cool, but this is confusing me. He is sending mixed signals and I don't know why. I know I am not "friendzoned" because he has shown he has feelings and admitted to still considering me an option. So what is going on? Any thoughts?

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Today he texted me to reminisce again. How long is this going to go on? I think the hardest part is being totally confused. He has a new girlfriend and yet he reminisces with me. Why? Does this mean he still wants me? Does it mean that he obviously doesn't have a great connection with her like he did with me and misses me? Should I ask why he is doing this? I don't get it. It confuses me SO much.

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