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How do you know if your ready?


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It's been almost 10 months since my breakup with a guy I dated for about two years. We had a deep deep love for eachother, but unfortunately many insecurities, and lack of trust caused both of us to make desicions that ultimately tore us apart.

In the 10 months we have not been together, we have gone through stages where we hang out on a regular basis, to no talking, to dating other people, to seeing each other sporadically....which is where we are now. I see him maybe twice a week, and we consistently seem to have a good time together. I truly believe the reason we have been getting along so great, is because we stay out of each other's lives throughout the week. I dont have to stress out about what he's doing, or upset with him for not sleeping over, and he doesn't have to deal with the things he might find annoying or bothersome about me. Now, I know this is probably not healthy..but I am a full time student and have a full time job, which completely knocks out my social life..except for the rare times I do spend with him.

Every once in awhile, I get to thinking...maybe we can make this work. But I immediately realize that I don't think I will ever be able to forgive or erase the memories of his wrongdoings, nor will he with me.

I have been on dates since the breakup, and even had a long distance boyfriend whom I dont count as much...but regardless, I felt like I was cheating and it was hard to get past that. This most likely has to do with the fact that maybe I was afraid that if I told him I was moving on, that it would completely end anything that could happen in the future. Basically, I think I was holding onto hope, even though I chose to not admit it to myself.

I recently got asked out...a few days ago. This man seems very nice, and I find him attractive. I dont need to lie about this to my ex...however, I realize that if I am choosing to go on a date with someone, he might be less thrilled with hanging out with me.

I feel freaked out at the prospect of finding love...and I am not sure why. I feel nervous about letting someone in, and even more nervous at the prospect that one day I will be married to someone I love. It just seems to unreal...and unattainable that I would rather just stay busy with other things rather than worry about it.

I also feel stuck in the middle. I don't know if hanging out with the ex is holding me back in ways I am not aware of. Do I need to distance myself in order to be able to give myself to someone else wholly? I just want to run away from other men..but I know that a future does not lie in my ex...any advice? I apologize for the long post..but I have been feeling this for awhile and needed to write it out.

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I think if you're being completely honest with yourself, you'd find that you're not completely over your ex. And I think you even suspect this yourself somewhere in your post. You haven't spent anytime apart. Thus, a large part of who you are and the decisions you make still factors him into the equation. That's not healthy and I think you know this already.

 

I think that a lot of times we don't let go of the past because of the future we once envisioned (you probably imagined getting married and having kids with the ex many many times before in the past). If we let go of the past, we let go of the vision of our future. And that's a scary proposition.

 

Plus, for all the faults of your ex, you got used to him and he fits into your life now as a friend. However, he's not really just a friend, is he? Change is scary. It's easier to stand still. And if you're suffering, at least you're familiar with the pain. The possibility of unknown pains ahead is immobilizing because you realize, hey, it could be even worse!

 

If you know your future does not lie with the ex, then perhaps it's time to cut the cord. At least for now. In my opinion, you need to first get over him completely before you can be in each others lives again. If you have to worry about his feelings every time you date someone, it will hold back your emotional growth. Not to mention, potentially sabotaging some of your future relationships which are hard enough with zero obstacles.

 

To answer your question, you'll be ready when you're over the ex. You'll be over the ex when you're able to grieve the relationship and truly accept that it's over. Your regular and frequent contact suggests that you haven't accepted it. Your mind may have, but your heart hasn't.

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I agree - you will need to cut ties with him completely or at least until you are over him. I forced myself to do that with my ex (and it was REALLY hard because this was someone I wanted to marry, we had a great life together, friends, etc. I was totally devastated when things ended). But deep down I knew that if I didn't want to spend the next 2, 3, 4, etc. years of my life hung up on someone, being bitter, or pining for something that wasn't gonna happen, I needed to heal and move on, no matter how much it hurt.

 

Only when you really start to create your OWN life will you be able to move on and open yourself up to meeting other people and letting people in. Even 10 months later for me, he still pops into my thoughts - and I haven't had a boyfriend since, just dated here and there. But I know that I fully have to get over him before I can really start considering other guys and being open to love again. For me, that means cutting him out of my life for the time being.

 

And yes, change is scary and that applies to a lot of different aspects of life - changing jobs, moving to a new city, etc. I definitely have my moments where I would really like to have my old life back but its just not possible...and honestly, the more you move forward, the easier it gets. It really does, even to the point where enough time has passed where you can't imagine going back because you will have made so much progress

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something inside you will just know you are ready to move on. just like you now know you are not ready, when you have completely healed and have completely erased all romantic interest in your ex, you will be ready to move on.

 

it sounds like you still harbour some faint hope that you and your ex can be together again or even thinking about that means you haven't erased that possibility from your mindset.

 

i'm a big believer that if you want to find love again, you need to clear the decks of any or all romantic interest you have in any other person. you need to be happy being single and then you will be able to open yourself up to the right man if and when he comes along

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