HurtOkie Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 I'll start with a lot of background but I would like to here anyone's advice or comments on this. I was left and went through a divorce two years ago. The ex left some strings attached that I only noticed and cut a month ago. A year after my divorce, I became involved with a woman I worked with. She said she was leaving her abusive husband. I made moves on her, looking back it was probably a rebound, and she reciprocated. About a month after this, her soon to be ex broke into her house, broke her arm, left fingerprint bruises, smashed up the house. She got an EPO and I talked to her about making sure she didn't go back to him (this had happened before and he worked his way back in). A couple weeks went by and I got a 4AM phone call from her number, but it was him with her crying in the background "NO, NO, NO". Knowing that she had the EPO, I called the police, they responded, but when I called back they said she was alright and had refused their help. For 24 hours he held her and her kids against their will in their house. Eventually she talked her way out of it. This turned into him phoning me and trying to figure out who I was, him showing up at our work, and other crazy stuff. For a couple of days during this, her and the kids stay at my house out of safety. Eventually she moves into a safe house, starts divorce proceedings, etc. I broke contact with her for a couple of months because of this. I wasn't sure what role I had played in this drama or if I wanted to be even more involved with it. Eventually, we started loosely started spending time together at lunch, calling, and every once in awhile seeing each other intimately. But I kept her at arms length emotionally. This began a 13 months ago. In April I really started to trust her more and actually began having strong emotions for her. But the whole relationship was never verbalized. Everything was loose and relaxed. At the same time, we went to an airshow with all our kids, met at restaraunts with them, etc. At the first part of July she started a new job and I didn't see her as often. At about the same time, based on her inquisitiveness about my American Indian culture, I had to make the conscious (sic) decision to let her into my trust even more. By this time I had really fallen for her but had kept it to myself. The distance apart added a whole new importance to emails and phone calls. I've seen her twice since July. Around August, not only had she started a new job, but added college classes to her schedule of caring for three kids (3-8 years of age). At the same time, the house from the divorce went into foreclosure which caused the divorce to still be pending a year later. This matter is still in court as of Sept 23. Sometime around the end of July we had a long conversation about her experiences with men. None had been good. She had either been abused or cheated on through her young life. This will be her second divorce. Anyway, she told me that she wanted to be more than a hop in the sack to someone. I replied back that I had been trying to get her to actually go on a romantic date for six months, but that she had been unwilling. I told her she was more than sex to me and that I had genuine feelings for her. We both agreed that we wanted to make this a 'real' relationship. I know, she has a LOT of baggage but I genuiinely do have feelings for her. About a month goes by and on August 20, after a few snippy conversations where I was accused of 'checking up on her', she tells me that she has bitten off more than she can chew and needs to drop this relationship because she doesn't have time to call me as often as I would like. It hurts but there's not much I can do about it. She sends some emails to me, I reply only. Then she starts changing her mood and status on MySpace to "moving on" & "loved". I freak out and call her wondering what has happened. She talks sweetly and says to call her at 9PM. She doesn't answer but then sends an email the next saying how she's tired of answering for her actions. I give her space and respect what she's asking for. A week goes by and she drops me as one of her friends. I freak again because I can see the avenues of communication disappearing. I call her but don't mention it, just leave a message asking how she and the kids are. She never returns the call. All the advice I'm given during this time consists of 'she's playing games, don't call her or let her go and she will contact you'. One friend even tells me that if I don't give her the space she asks for, I will lose anything with her. About two days later, I'm seeing a therapist over the trauma of the breakup and because my ex is trying to reconnect with me. In fact, my ex may have been trying to trace down who I was seeing. The therapist tells me that she seems afraid or confused and that I need to call her and tell her how I feel. I'm scared of losing her completely by calling but I follow the therapists instructions. Eventually I get her to return the call after four attempts. She's MAD. We talk, she calms down, I explain why I'm calling, she's even more calm. She tells me that she had started seeing signs that I was going to be an abuser. I'm shocked, tell her about the therapist. We talk some more. I ask about the MySpace drop, she says she didn't do that. I ask her if I'm wasting my time. She says no, but that right now she doesn't like or dislike anyone. I send her an email thanking her for her time and a friend request for MySpace. She doesn't respond to either. I'm more hurt. So then I decide to go into NO CONTACT to see what will happen and to get my mind straight. I've spent the last month worrying myself sick over this. I cry at the drop of a hat, which is not normal for me, and have lost 10 pounds. Today, after writing a 'goodbye' letter that's for my eyes only, I finally felt normal. I think I was being a little self absorbed and not seeing her situation. I'm trying to not let it bother me. I don't know if she was my rebound, if I'm her rebound, if she will contact me, or anything. I really would like to have a relationship with her, despite all of the history, baggage, issues, or whatever. That was part of my decision to let her into my trust in the first place. Any comments welcome. Link to comment
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.