Hurt and Confused

[HurtOkie]

I'll start with a lot of background but I would like to here anyone's advice or comments on this.

I was left and went through a divorce two years ago. The ex left some strings attached that I only noticed and cut a month ago.

A year after my divorce, I became involved with a woman I worked with. She said she was leaving her abusive husband. I made moves on her, looking back it was probably a rebound, and she reciprocated. About a month after this, her soon to be ex broke into her house, broke her arm, left fingerprint bruises, smashed up the house. She got an EPO and I talked to her about making sure she didn't go back to him (this had happened before and he worked his way back in). A couple weeks went by and I got a 4AM phone call from her number, but it was him with her crying in the background "NO, NO, NO". Knowing that she had the EPO, I called the police, they responded, but when I called back they said she was alright and had refused their help. For 24 hours he held her and her kids against their will in their house. Eventually she talked her way out of it. This turned into him phoning me and trying to figure out who I was, him showing up at our work, and other crazy stuff. For a couple of days during this, her and the kids stay at my house out of safety. Eventually she moves into a safe house, starts divorce proceedings, etc.

I broke contact with her for a couple of months because of this. I wasn't sure what role I had played in this drama or if I wanted to be even more involved with it.

Eventually, we started loosely started spending time together at lunch, calling, and every once in awhile seeing each other intimately. But I kept her at arms length emotionally.

This began a 13 months ago. In April I really started to trust her more and actually began having strong emotions for her. But the whole relationship was never verbalized. Everything was loose and relaxed. At the same time, we went to an airshow with all our kids, met at restaraunts with them, etc.

At the first part of July she started a new job and I didn't see her as often. At about the same time, based on her inquisitiveness about my American Indian culture, I had to make the conscious (sic) decision to let her into my trust even more. By this time I had really fallen for her but had kept it to myself.

The distance apart added a whole new importance to emails and phone calls. I've seen her twice since July. Around August, not only had she started a new job, but added college classes to her schedule of caring for three kids (3-8 years of age). At the same time, the house from the divorce went into foreclosure which caused the divorce to still be pending a year later. This matter is still in court as of Sept 23.

Sometime around the end of July we had a long conversation about her experiences with men. None had been good. She had either been abused or cheated on through her young life. This will be her second divorce. Anyway, she told me that she wanted to be more than a hop in the sack to someone. I replied back that I had been trying to get her to actually go on a romantic date for six months, but that she had been unwilling. I told her she was more than sex to me and that I had genuine feelings for her. We both agreed that we wanted to make this a 'real' relationship. I know, she has a LOT of baggage but I genuiinely do have feelings for her.

About a month goes by and on August 20, after a few snippy conversations where I was accused of 'checking up on her', she tells me that she has bitten off more than she can chew and needs to drop this relationship because she doesn't have time to call me as often as I would like.

It hurts but there's not much I can do about it. She sends some emails to me, I reply only. Then she starts changing her mood and status on MySpace to "moving on" & "loved". I freak out and call her wondering what has happened. She talks sweetly and says to call her at 9PM. She doesn't answer but then sends an email the next saying how she's tired of answering for her actions. I give her space and respect what she's asking for. A week goes by and she drops me as one of her friends. I freak again because I can see the avenues of communication disappearing. I call her but don't mention it, just leave a message asking how she and the kids are. She never returns the call.

All the advice I'm given during this time consists of 'she's playing games, don't call her or let her go and she will contact you'. One friend even tells me that if I don't give her the space she asks for, I will lose anything with her.

About two days later, I'm seeing a therapist over the trauma of the breakup and because my ex is trying to reconnect with me. In fact, my ex may have been trying to trace down who I was seeing. The therapist tells me that she seems afraid or confused and that I need to call her and tell her how I feel. I'm scared of losing her completely by calling but I follow the therapists instructions. Eventually I get her to return the call after four attempts. She's MAD. We talk, she calms down, I explain why I'm calling, she's even more calm. She tells me that she had started seeing signs that I was going to be an abuser. I'm shocked, tell her about the therapist. We talk some more. I ask about the MySpace drop, she says she didn't do that. I ask her if I'm wasting my time. She says no, but that right now she doesn't like or dislike anyone.

I send her an email thanking her for her time and a friend request for MySpace. She doesn't respond to either. I'm more hurt. So then I decide to go into NO CONTACT to see what will happen and to get my mind straight. I've spent the last month worrying myself sick over this. I cry at the drop of a hat, which is not normal for me, and have lost 10 pounds. Today, after writing a 'goodbye' letter that's for my eyes only, I finally felt normal.

 

I think I was being a little self absorbed and not seeing her situation. I'm trying to not let it bother me. I don't know if she was my rebound, if I'm her rebound, if she will contact me, or anything. I really would like to have a relationship with her, despite all of the history, baggage, issues, or whatever. That was part of my decision to let her into my trust in the first place.

 

Any comments welcome.

[isilv3r]

Ok dude. First off, Im sorry that you had to go through this and I can imagine your pain. What I call this is, bad timing. Yes she has baggage and even though you would do everything in your heart and power to help her through this, you can't help her. There is absolutely no way she can love someone right now or even think about being in a real long term relationship until she gets help herself. She's obviously traumatized right now by men. What she needs is a friend and NOTHING more. She is emotionally incapable of love, from what your story tells me. I know it hurts when its not recipricated. Although, there may be moments that she lets you into her heart and is able to express herself, it will change over and over again because she has no control over her life right now. The only thing you can do to help her, is to stay away. When she is ready and physcially and emotionally capable of being with someone, if it's meant to be you, it will. The worst thing you can do is push her because you are going to completely lose her. Stay strong and keep busy...move on with your life, trust me, with time you will feel better and understand where i am coming from. I know it's hard right now. Stay away...have no contact. Give her space and time to get herself straightened up...if she comes back, let her lead the way and don't be persistent. Be patient my friend. But in the meantime, don't allow false hope to take over.

 

Hope this helps. We're here if ya need us

[HurtOkie]

Thanks for the post, it actually helped. This 'bad timing' was something that I had even said last winter. So...Am I putting too much thought into why she backed out? Some times I believe just what she said 'too busy', sometimes I think 'relationship too much' and other times I wonder if there's someone else.

HurtOkie

[isilv3r]

Thanks for the post, it actually helped. This 'bad timing' was something that I had even said last winter. So...Am I putting too much thought into why she backed out? Some times I believe just what she said 'too busy', sometimes I think 'relationship too much' and other times I wonder if there's someone else.

HurtOkie

 

 

Either way, whatever the reason is...i know it hurts but it's not going to happen for you right now, unfortunately as selfish as it sounds, it has to be on her terms. You can't force her to be with you...as much as your heart yearns for her. When a heart is broken, the imagination runs wild and makes you think thoughts that aren't necessarily true. You're mind is trying to find a reason because you really don't know. You may not ever know but from what you tell me in your story, it's not you at all buddy. Don't even ponder if there's someone else, even if there was, they'd be getting the same treatment you did/are. She's obviously at a time in her life where she needs and can only focus on herself or she will never be able to carry a decent relationship. Take this as a life lesson, pick yourself up and move on. There's someone out there that will love you back like you will for them. A relationship is a two way street and you will find it...just take this time to grieve properly. Cry if you need to. Bawl your eyes out. If you fight it, it will keep coming back. And remind yourself that it's not your fault.

[HurtOkie]

Well, here's an update for what it's worth. During the last two weeks I had stumbled accross a remembered conversation with her concerning us losing contact with each other. I couldn't remember all the details until about two days ago. She had told me four months ago that there would come a time when her college classes started that we would have to take a break. If I needed to contact her to do it through a mutual friend. Not to freak out because she would know through friends.

 

Well that seemed odd given her request for space and the reasons for it. So I wondered if I had remembered this correctly. Thought about it for awhile and then decided yes that was what had been said. OK this made even less sense then the whole 'time out' she asked for. So today I broke NC and called her. She didn't answer, so I left a message that was friendly. Four hours later I get a text message that says "I asked you not to call me. Please don't call anymore. I want to be left alone."

 

Finally I had an answer. This is what had been killing me for the last month. Everything was in limbo. I simply responded back "Thank you for letting me go. It had been very hard to understand given our conversations. You were awesome and I wouldn't have missed knowing you for the world. I really do wish nothing but the best for you and your kids"

 

So, I guess NC works for some people. But it was killing me slowly on the inside. I had to have a 'lets work on this' or 'get the hell away from me' answer to move on. I already feel better.

hurtokie