Is There An Aggressiveness Disparity?

[GettingBetter]

People both on this site and in real life (and even my own dad) have lately been telling me that I'm just not aggressive enough in the dating game. The last time I asked out a girl was many months ago.

 

Well, while I've been trying to be more aggressive and assertive, I can't help but think about some of the girls I've asked out who've politely said, No. These girls tend to be the more shy, conservative types, and I can't help but think that with them maybe I've been too aggressive. And, it wasn't a literal No. It was just a feeling I got. But, maybe they suffer from the same under-aggression problem I suffer from?

 

But, these girls are also the type I'm more attracted to, so perhaps I have been more aggressive with them than I usually am? Or, maybe I'm mistaking their friendliness for interest? Or, maybe I am in fact going too slow, so they throw me into the friend zone?

 

So, what do you think? Is there an aggressiveness disparity between different types of people? Or, am I just not being aggressive enough?

[pianoguy]

I think aggressive is a bad word. It implies a schoolyard bully who trips people for fun. I think "proactive" or "go-get-'em" is a better way to look at it. Assertive is a good word too.

 

I wouldn't dwell on the reasons that the girls didn't go out with you. You can never know these things for sure... perhaps she was tired, perhaps she has a crush on another boy, perhaps she's a lesbian, perhaps you reminded her of her brother... who knows.

 

You should be proud of yourself- you're taking initiative and asking girls out. Don't let the rejections bog you down. Eventually someone will say yes- be proud that you're taking initiative!

[Dating Coach]

Well, while I've been trying to be more aggressive and assertive, I can't help but think about some of the girls I've asked out who've politely said, No. These girls tend to be the more shy, conservative types, and I can't help but think that with them maybe I've been too aggressive. And, it wasn't a literal No. It was just a feeling I got. But, maybe they suffer from the same under-aggression problem I suffer from?

 

Don't judge yourself based upon a rejection. Perhaps you came on too strong for one girl but too weak for another. Or more likely they just weren't interested and nothing you did could have influenced their decision one way or another. But that's life! The most successful guys in the dating world let those rejections roll right off of them like it was nothing, because you can't go around seeking the approval of others.

 

If a girl isn't interested and rejects you, it's a victory. Maybe not a victory in the war but it was a victory in that particular battle. Why? Because you now found out that this particular girl isn't the one, which means you can not mark her off of your list of potentials. You're that much closer to finding the right one.

Think about it. If you did nothing then you might still be wondering about her. You did something and thus you learned something. That is a good thing. Keep doing what you are doing.

 

But, these girls are also the type I'm more attracted to...

 

Not anymore. One of your qualifications for a future girlfriend is that she is interested back, right? Well if they are not then they are not really your type. They were nothing more than a lead that turned out to be a bad one. Time to move on.

 

So, what do you think? Is there an aggressiveness disparity between different types of people? Or, am I just not being aggressive enough?

 

If you are actively asking girls out then your "aggressive" level is fine, unless you are doing something so obnoxious that you are violating women. Other than that, I'd say you are doing fine.

 

Most people don't find their right person their first, second, third, etc try. They go through many many people and many many rejections before finally meeting the right one. That is the whole point of asking. The more you ask the better your chances and the sooner you'll find her. keep it up.