mr me Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 I dont really feel like im gonna write on this forum alot more but this is probably a good time for me to talk about this. Ive always had to deal with being really different in a toxic and very unsupportive environment. Ive been somewhat close to few people in my life. Its just for whatever reason everyone i have ever been close with has left me. I could say from my parents to all my friends. The only friends i have now which sometimes it feels weird for me to call them friends are people im not really close with. Ive also been struggling alot with my past relationships especially my first one. Ive never been happier and was really in love but it was also really toxic. She would always try to break up with me and it made my abandonment issues 100 times worse. Its just the break-up almost seemed to make everything worse. I totally lost my memory when we broke up and all i could remember was her leaving me and i was really out of my mind tryin to get her back. Its just i knew i couldnt keep doing that to myself so i had to find a way to stop myself. Im still struggling with that and how emotional abuse can be a really hard think to get over its been a real battle. I basically spend all my time by myself. I dont really seem to be that social of a person. I remember growing up and being proud of myself how i never had to talk to anyone. Its just i know that can make you go kinda crazy but it seems like my issues always get in the way of me making any progress. Also ive had to deal with pretty much being depressed my whole life and the effect that can have on you. Im also sometimes think that my depression cant be treated because from my family not really doing good in therapy to me having that same issue, it just doesnt seem to work. I think the only thing that saves me alot of the time is all the psychology stuff i know because i feel like i have a natural talent for that. Its just my abusive ex also had that same dream so its been a real problem for me to pursue my dream or just what i think im good at. I also seem to have alot of trouble abandoning people because of all my abadonment issues so its hard. I feel like in someways that ive been struggling to keep my sanity all my life. I just feel like i keep putting up my wall because of how alot of people just dont really get me. Its like even the people that ive been close to have had trouble really understanding stuff about me. I also feel like how people dont really understand that they dont seem to get where im coming from. I also deal with alot of jealousy from everyone and i mean everyone. I could go from my parents to my friends and family. It just seems like i have alot of talent and potential but i havent really been able to do much because im always struggling with my demons or my personal problems. I then get alot of pressure from people and have perfectionist and idealistic expectations put on me and it just makes it worse. I then have to deal with those same problems with myself because thats what im around. It just seems like some people dont get that cognitive therapy doesnt work for everyone especially if your suffering from OCD symptoms. I have problems with my memory being blocked so its like i have these issues that no matter how hard i try to work on them, they wont change until my memory fixes itself. Im also super sensitive so its like that on top of my depression is just so crazy because it really just get to the point where everything bothers me. Today i read about this writer that his lifestory kinda reminded me of my own. He struggled with chronic depression and he took medicine for over 20 years and he never really got control of it. He committed suicide so its pretty crazy because im also a writer and i always worried about my life being depressed because im already so lonely. I just feel like i somehow connected with his struggle. He was really successful but it never changed how things where in his personal life which is something ive been thinking about alot lately. I just got this book about success and the traps it can cause because some people try to be successful so much but that doesnt always equal happiness so its seem like it wouldnt make sense. Its just if you always try to be successful sometimes it can be a way to get away from other problems in your life so it talks about balancing out success in your own life and professional life. Its simply called Success Trap. Its like me just writing all of this people will sometimes complain about i write too much but i dont really get all of that. You have the right to your opinion but sometimes it just makes it harder because if you needed to get alot off your chest, its hard to have someone then come around and say you wrote too much. I seem to always struggle with being comfortable doing anything to help myself and it confuses me alot but somehow thats just a human reaction to something. I just dont know what yet. Link to comment
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