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God is a Sadist


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Honestly sometimes I feel like a greater force is screwing with me. I am a rational secular athiest, but old superstitions are hard to kill.

 

I am close to my dad, he kills himself. VERY bad childhood. Find out my brother was molested, my mom was raped before she met my father.'

Irritates me a lot.

 

I turn eighteen and finally get my liscence and within four months I hit an old woman with grocheries and kill her while she is walking accross the street where there are no lights.

 

I meet the perfect woman when i am twenty and a virgin, but she is twenty four years older than me and the generation gap makes things difficult.

 

I am severe bi polar, suffer from severe anxiety attacks for most of my life, am hospitalized five times.

 

I voluntairly check myself into the hospital, my college finds out about it and bans me from the campus without supervision because they don't want to be liable if I hurt myself on campus. That is what I got for trying to get help for depression. Nobody wants to represent my case and when I finally find a major firm who does, I am no longer within the period of statue of limitations (they had won 75000 for a past client).

 

Once I am out of the hospital the last time, I meet a girl, fall for her, she puts me in the friend zone, becomes emotionally abusive, flipps out and calls me for 9 months causing hell after I quit calling her, then rubs the bf she had found in my face, ripping my heart out. I see a shrink for a year to get over the damage she did and finally the anneversary of when i quit calling her comes up. I think, "yeah, I beat you and I am getting closer to getting over you" and I am happy for two months and then wham, her brother calls to tell me she is in a coma, disfigured, and when i get there she dies.

 

Concidentially she snapped at the exact same time I got better -- the anneversary of me not talking to her -- and her family and bf kept trying to find out what was wrong during those two months. She had bitterly lashed out at me for not calling her on those months the last time we spoke. I KNOW I had a major part in inspiring her suicide. I also know she did it hoping I would find out as revenge for me to telling her to kiss off. I knew her too well.

 

Soooo I turn things positive. Raise 1200 in a fund for her and my dad for a suicide prevention walk. And then when I am there i run accross her mom and sisters who gave me enraged and miserable glances like I had murdered the stupid fool. THEY were at fault if anybody. I never put her down until she finally did some things that ANYBODY would snap over (when I tell the details people usually give me horrified looks and say I was right not to talk to her anymore). I talked her through suicidal depression after suicidal depression. and in the end I get hate from her family, the disfigured shell of somebody I am in love with, and hear about a suicide letter referring to things I had said to her the only time I ever lost my patience and snapped after rediculous amounts of emotional abuse. Her family didn't find out about her falling out until her sister told her. When I went to visit her right before she died at that point only she was giving me these hate filled looks.

Hence my trying to HELP her actually contributed to her DEATH. Hence I snapped one time and did NC afterward, after years of her saying anything she wanted to, to me, manipulation, and I was in the friend zone until I stepped away and then she started obsessing over me and went balistic.

Don't appreciate what you have until it says F you suddenly and leaves.

Ironic.

 

haven't had sex in almost six years. Have suffered constant lonliness while watching those who appreciate it less get people fawning over them. Wasn't even functional enough to have a job for several years. Am extremely ambitious but way behind. And despite being extremely educated, couldn't get decent grades because every time I tried to study I wanted to die.

 

 

 

 

Only recently started asking girls for their phone numbers. Fell for one girl whom would have been perfect, but met her when she had just gotten out of a bad relationship with an emotionally abusive alcoholic cheater. She is also the type who until now only dates abusive men, and so I couldn't act till she was over him. When I did, it was too late. She said she was too comfortable being friends and didn't feel that way. Everybody was sure she liked me. Now I NC her for two months and somebody walks by and says "Oh aren't you dating 'her'? I saw pics of you two while I was iming you and started asking."

 

The moment I try hard not to think about her (one of only three women including the older woman and the suicide that I have ever been in love with) and somebody randomly starts rubbing her in my face without realizing it.

 

I am not into self-pity. I DESPISE weakness in myself. I will berate myself the moment I start to feel sorry for myself for too long as acting weak. But god I look forward to the day I DIE. After decades of wanting to kill myself almost every day before my ego got in the way, I think about this right now without even being close to suicidal. Just find the thought of death pleasing. Strangely enough, I write this feeling pretty good, or at least not feeling 'that' depressed. I am observing myself and how dark I am underneath it all with the same kind of aloofness that a clinical doctor might observe a patient.

 

What is ironic is how society has created an institution for depressed people to want to die even more through their total lack of understanding and fear of those who disdain their own lives.

 

You try to get help, you get banned so people aren't liable. You show you are depressed, people presume that entails violence, even if you have no history of violence and don't threaten them. It is statistically more likely that you will get hurt or die in a car accident than get attacked or killed by somebody with depression. You have trouble functioning, people are afraid to be in a relationship with you. You get the haves rub the have not into your face. Now people even are starting to confuse serious depression with emo fads.

Hhuman civilization is a culture of fear, death, and nihilism. And yet I strangely say this candidly and with cynicism and contempt, but without feeling 'that' depressed right now.

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God is a Sadist

You're right. He is. It would be much better if He controlled all of us like puppets so we could all be perfect and live perfect lives.

 

 

Honestly, I know that it must be hard. It sounds like you feel guilty about that girl committing suicide. Unless you held the gun to her head, that could never be your fault. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. You are not responsible for what she did.

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I'll take the agnostic point of view... There is no god, so he's not screwing with you. There is no fate, so your not destined to undergo these things. There isnt any rhyme or reason to live, and bad things happen to good people.

 

I really believe they make you stronger and a better person. Despite these things happening you seem pretty well adjusted. Hold on to that.

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You're right. He is. It would be much better if He controlled all of us like puppets so we could all be perfect and live perfect lives.

 

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actually free will cannot exist within the conceptional frame work of believing in a god, but my point here was not to get into a metaphysical debate.

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