how optimistic do you feel about finding love?

[locolady]

hey,

 

So, it seems we are constantly surrounded by feelings of despair, jokes about thiry-something single women etc etc, the newsapers (again today) run articles pretty much saying "give it up" "even if you think youve found love, it'll end in divorce" and all the rest.

 

So, i'm wondering how optimistic people out there feel about finding love, and lasting love?

 

I have good days and bad days, i've had two failed relationships, both of whom have gone on to settle down with someone else and i feel pretty lonely. I have loads of great female friends without boyfriends, we all feel pretty low about our chances - we joke but it hurts. thoughts?

 

I'm terrified of ending up alone, i know i have a lot of love to give but im doing something pretty wrong!

 

so, do you think i should learn to accept i might end up alone or is it still worth believing in love, my most treasured talisman?!

 

How old were you when you met etc? its seems everyone is sorted and settled and ive missed the boat when i lost my relationship last year?

[FeraeNaturae]

I have a panic attack when I think about not trying to fix things with my current ex. Primarily because we live together, we had plans to get a house, have a happy life, live it up. I can have a lot more if I stay with him, if I build my dreams around him, and he too can have more with me... Sometimes I think the only reason it's so hard to walk away is because it destroys that "future" image of us together, having what we WANT (material), but maybe not ultimately being happy. It feels like I might have to start over and build up again, go through the same crap with someone else and still end up alone... So why not just plan it myself? I fear of getting into something and then having it yanked away again. I hate taking a step down, I don't know, I will probably always fear "relying" on someone to build a dream with because I was let down before, lack of faith.

[Stardusk]

Ultimately we are all alone; our thoughts, our consciousness, our inner feelings are ours and ours alone no matter how much we may desire to communicate them to others. It is perhaps man's most difficult task, this realisation that we are in our inner most being essentially cut off from others and yet yearn for connection and understanding.

 

Overlooking that rather glaring fact I'd say my chances are about as good as winning the lottery I will never play.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'm too young to not be optimistic.....

[Cognitive_Canine]

Ultimately we are all alone; our thoughts, our consciousness, our inner feelings are ours and ours alone no matter how much we may desire to communicate them to others. It is perhaps man's most difficult task, this realisation that we are in our inner most being essentially cut off from others and yet yearn for connection and understanding.

 

Overlooking that rather glaring fact I'd say my chances are about as good as winning the lottery I will never play.

 

And how's that working for you?

 

I mean, in all seriousness, if it doesn't make you happy, why cement your believes in it?

 

Just so it can drag down and ruin everything else in life with this bleak look on things?

[My Advice]

I agree 100% with star.

 

People are alone. We are prisoners inside our heads. Both very good and very bad thing.

 

As far as love goes, I do not believe I will ever be in a lasting stable relationship before I am dead, no. So be it.

[locolady]

And how's that working for you?

 

I mean, in all seriousness, if it doesn't make you happy, why cement your believes in it?

 

Just so it can drag down and ruin everything else in life with this bleak look on things?

 

but what else is there? I can have a career, i can have friends whom i adore and who give me so much in life but without that someone life seems pretty worthless. Ive been lucky to expereince amazing love (even though it wasnt returned in the end) and i know how amazing life is when you are with someone, without that life seems meaningless. so you can say you shouldt focus on it, or let it ruin other aspects of life but they seem like passtimes until the real deal comes along....and what if it never does again?

 

Both my exs have someone, i dont. theres nothing else to life surely? Yes theres so much beauty, so much fun to be had, friends to love but ultimately i never felt alone like this when in a relationship and what if it never happens agian?

[Stardusk]

And how's that working for you?

 

I mean, in all seriousness, if it doesn't make you happy, why cement your believes in it?

 

Just so it can drag down and ruin everything else in life with this bleak look on things?

 

I subscribe to it, not because it makes me happy, but because it is true. I would rather live in truth than inundate myself with delusion.

[Stardusk]

but what else is there? I can have a career, i can have friends whom i adore and who give me so much in life but without that someone life seems pretty worthless. Ive been lucky to expereince amazing love (even though it wasnt returned in the end) and i know how amazing life is when you are with someone, without that life seems meaningless. so you can say you shouldt focus on it, or let it ruin other aspects of life but they seem like passtimes until the real deal comes along....and what if it never does again?

 

Both my exs have someone, i dont. theres nothing else to life surely? Yes theres so much beauty, so much fun to be had, friends to love but ultimately i never felt alone like this when in a relationship and what if it never happens agian?

 

You can consecrate your life to knowledge; knowledge exists independent of human beings, it is eternal and shall be present long after we are but dust and bones. To devote yourself to genuine knowledge is to partake in the only kind of eternity and immortality we can achieve as poorly evolved, mortal apes. All other things pass: love and feelings fade, friendships crumble, people come and go as do things; the other fundamental illness that we humans suffer from is our desire to cling, to project onto to people and things immutable qualities, which do not exist. It is the craving, the gnawing wants of our being that keep us forever unhappy. If we do not recognise the truth, i.e. that change is the only constant in life, we shall forever be doomed to repeat this cycle of craving and disappointment until we last draw breath.

[locolady]

knowledge = interesting but isnt the high moral path a lonely one?

[ilovethatgirl]

I used to believe in true love and that eventually, everybody meets somebody... I used to be pretty optimistic. Not anymore.

[cat_lady]

I've had this conversation with my female friends many times. I notice that the person asking this question is in her mid 20s and is female, as are we.

 

The conclusion we came to is not that there isn't true love out there - its that the guys need certain things before they can participate in a stable and healthy relationship ("sowing their oats", financial security, good job, etc) that make most of the guys in our age group, even the really nice guys who want to be in a relationship confused and unsure about themselves and thereforee, unsuitable for love.

 

Our conclusions - either wait it out until they grow up or find an older man.

[Stardusk]

knowledge = interesting but isnt the high moral path a lonely one?

 

I think you missed the point that we are essentially alone. I stated that at the outset.

[Stardusk]

I've had this conversation with my female friends many times. I notice that the person asking this question is in her mid 20s and is female, as are we.

 

The conclusion we came to is not that there isn't true love out there - its that the guys need certain things before they can participate in a stable and healthy relationship ("sowing their oats", financial security, good job, etc) that make most of the guys in our age group, even the really nice guys who want to be in a relationship confused and unsure about themselves and thereforee, unsuitable for love.

 

Our conclusions - either wait it out until they grow up or find an older man.

 

Women in their mid-twenties are as equally confused as men are.

[cat_lady]

I used to believe in true love and that eventually, everybody meets somebody... I used to be pretty optimistic. Not anymore.

 

You're 16!!!

 

Sorry, but I remember when I was 16 and came home crying about boys and how I'd never find anyone and my mom would just laugh at me and how naive I was, just saying, wait until you get older. Now I know what she means.

 

So cheer up, you're way tooo young to be pessimistic!

[kuiks8]

i think there will always be people in my life to help me grow and learn and who i can help along their journey...i am of the mindset that everything is temporary so i try to be in the moment as much as possible.

[cat_lady]

Women in their mid-twenties are as equally confused as men are.

 

Yea, but women, even at a young age, rely less on external circumstances to validate themselves, making them more stable partners. NOT all women, but generally speaking, this has been the experiences I've encountered myself and through people I know.

 

At least, I've never heard a woman saying, "I'm getting bad grades/fired from my job b/c I'm spending too much time thinking about my bf and its making me feel like an idiot and a failure, so instead of talking to my bf about it and asking him for space or dealing with my feelings or something else logical, I'm going to get all stressed out and confused about life and break with my bf for no good reason so that way I don't have to deal with anything."

 

And yet, among the relationships between people in their mid 20's this is an epidemic for men based on my anecdotal evidence.

[locolady]

this is interesting, thanks Cat_lady, yes i imagine this is something lots of girls my age chat about and i know i'm lucky to have friends to tal to but it really seems ridiculous that i have these wonderful friends who cant find anyone and that i cant either. i've made mistakes that have cost me my relatiosnships that i wnted so much (low self-esteem and jealosusy) and now it seems liek its too late!

 

i have so many friends who are settled, what about the res tof us and is there honeslty a way to be happy alone

 

one poster (i apologise ive forgotten who) said i have to understand it is the essential hu8man condition to be alone and i think thats a valid point. im a literature student and now an english teacher, and i ve read and thought lots about this but honestly when ive been in a loving relationship i e felt alive and complete in a way that is indescribable. i didnt neeed anything more. that is what i seek but am afraid of never finding again!

[kuiks8]

we are essentially alone but yet we are always seeking connection that is the other basic human condition...i think it comes down to are you all right to be on your own and once you have peace with yourself than you can truly connect on the deepest of levels with others.

[Nixee]

Finding love?

 

I've already found love. I've felt it, I've understood it. And I've been burned and hurt.

 

Truth is, I feel extremely fortunate. .... Yes... I want to be in a committed relationship again, and perhaps be married one day. Do I feel optimistic that this will happen? Well.. I hope it will... so I guess that is optimism? But I also believe ultimately like star has said, that we are all alone, too.

 

My past pain has taught me quite a bit about the importance of self love and independence. ... Yet, the romantic in me is still in there.

 

I think I used to be driven by my want and desire for love in my life. I guess now I'm driven more by my desire to feel fulfilled and complete, and I just sincerely hope love will be a part of that. I feel that it will.

[kuiks8]

I agree Nix, well said!

[cat_lady]

I understand completely what you are saying, but this is not the case. If you have low self-esteem a relationship will NOT make you feel better. In fact, you are much more likely to drive the guy away b/c men are more needy than women to begin with, and if you depend on someone who is suppose to need you more than you need him...

 

Also, when you say that you were in a loving relationship and didn't need anything else - I feel exactly the same way and thought that I just needed love.. until I realized that I have very codependent tendencies which are okay now, but if left unchecked will grow to bite me in the ass in the future.

 

Fortunately enough, as much as I hate to admit it and as much as it hurts, someone much more powerful than myself took away the love of my life and forced me to deal with these co-dependent traits. I thought I was in love, but now I realize I could have never loved him properly and we could have never had a stable relationship b/c I was with him to make me feel better (amazing, actually!) and he was doing the same thing. True love is about giving, not taking. If someone doesn't want to be with you and you feel sadness but respect their decision, let them go, and slowly you move on with your life, you loved that person. If you're depressed, feel bad about yourself, question life, lose hope, wonder if you'll ever be loved again and so on - you're codependent.

 

So instead of wondering about love, do whatever it is you need to do to be completely and utterly happy on your own. To quote someone anonym. "You can't charm someone else if you can't charm yourself."

[Stardusk]

How on earth are you reaching those conclusions?

[jettison]

Love is everywhere. Please don't limit it to some unique individual that you will have sex with. As soon as you've done that, you've become closed down from the ideas of love, and you wouldn't be able to recognize it if it hit you over the head.

 

Love is something that you practice on yourself until you get to the point where there is so much love inside you that it starts overflowing, and you can't contain it anymore. You won't even have to try to show it anymore once you've gotten good enough at loving yourself. It will just show itself indiscriminately, and without your permission or approval.

 

Accepting who you are = true love. And once you become that person, you'll start seeing love in all your interactions. You'll become infectious. Love isn't something that you trap or tie down. Love is something that you allow to happen to you.

 

Most people that have trouble finding romantic love have that trouble because they won't allow it to happen to them. They are running away, and they don't even realize it.

[tina-rocks]

I now believe love is there. No need to look for it as it will find us in its own sweet time.

 

My heart is open.