waiting for proposal

[Janay]

Hi,

 

This my situation...

 

My boyfriend and I met in college and next month we'll be celebrating our 4 year anniversary. I'm 23 and I've been out of college for a year and upon graduation I already had a wonderful career awaiting me. My boyfriend is almost 23 and he decided to stay in college an extra year and he just graduated in June. He has a job, but it's only a temporary job that is over in November. We've had the "engagement talk", and he said that he's comfortable getting engaged in about 2 years because he feels that at that point he should be financially ready. Even though he's given me a timeline, it's really hard for me to be patient and I think about getting engaged every day. 2 years seems like such a long time to wait for a proposal and I just don't know how to deal with waiting. I've heard that I can use the time to better myself and that I should just take the time to enjoy our relationship, but it's hard for me to better myself or enjoy the relationship when I can't get engagement off of my mind. It also doesn't help that every month one of my friends seems to be getting engaged. So, do you guys have any ideas of what I could do while I'm waiting 2 years for the proposal?

[redhearts]

Make it 1 year. It takes 1 year to plan a wedding, lol. So basically within a year he can propose, the following year you spend planning the wedding. =]

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

why not a pre-engagement - promise ring?

[hers]

is it the wedding you want, the status of being able to tell people you're engaged, or the knowledge that he's really serious about you?

[yankeefan74]

I guess I don't understand why the waiting to begin with. i understand that financially, he will be in a better place in a couple of years. But what does that have to do with wanting to spend the rest of his life with you? If he knows that now...why wait to ask you to marry him?

 

Financially ready to get engaged? I can understand wanting to wait to have the wedding as they can be extremely expensive. I can understand waiting to have children for the same reason...I can even understand waiting to buy an engagement ring if he can't afford it now...

 

But you don't need money to get engaged. You can get a ring out of a cracker jack box...it's symbolic...the commitment is what's really important. He can get the rock later on. lol.

[moulinbleu]

 

But you don't need money to get engaged. You can get a ring out of a cracker jack box...it's symbolic...the commitment is what's really important.

 

I totally agree!!!

[Aviatormy]

Tell him you want that ring NOW!!!! lol.

 

I don't see why there is a need to wait 2 years before getting engaged. My fiance and I are engaged now but will most likely wait a few years before getting married. We more-less just wanted the commitment ya know.

 

See if he is open to this suggestion

[Hope75]

I guess I don't understand why the waiting to begin with. i understand that financially, he will be in a better place in a couple of years. But what does that have to do with wanting to spend the rest of his life with you? If he knows that now...why wait to ask you to marry him?

 

Financially ready to get engaged? I can understand wanting to wait to have the wedding as they can be extremely expensive. I can understand waiting to have children for the same reason...I can even understand waiting to buy an engagement ring if he can't afford it now...

 

But you don't need money to get engaged. You can get a ring out of a cracker jack box...it's symbolic...the commitment is what's really important. He can get the rock later on. lol.

 

Well by definition engagement is the period of time in which you actively plan a wedding and marriage, so you should be ready to plan for marriage, a wedding (if you want one), a home/living space, etc when you get engaged.

 

Personally, I don't understand those who get engaged with no date in site and no immediate plans to get married. If he feels 25 is his ideal age, he feels he'll have nest egg, and hopefully a more secure job lined up, I think that's reasonable.

 

To the OP- I think your guy is smart- he loves you, has told you what his plans are for your future, and he's thinking with his head and planning for marriage, not just the ring and the party.

 

I know it's hard when everyone around you is getting married, I am 32 and getting married in 9 days and I waited a LOOOOOOONG time to get engaged and married, and watched almost all my friends race to the alter before me. But honestly? I am glad I waited, happy with my situation now, and I knew my time would come when it was right, and so will yours.

[25thfloor]

i'm a little confused? why all the waiting? either he wants to get married or not, don't you think? and are you ready to get married because everyone else is doing it, or your seriously ready to start your life together? i personally wouldn't be waiting around for my guy to 'ask' me. it would be a joint decision.

[redhearts]

Just get promise rings.

[Hope75]

i'm a little confused? why all the waiting? either he wants to get married or not, don't you think? and are you ready to get married because everyone else is doing it, or your seriously ready to start your life together? i personally wouldn't be waiting around for my guy to 'ask' me. it would be a joint decision.

 

It sounds like marriage is his goal, but he has a few things he'd like to accomplish first, like getting a career established, having a nest egg, and getting a bit more life experience before actually getting married. I see nothing wrong with this, do you? They are 23, by today's standards that is actually young to get married.

[_Asti_]

Personally, I don't see the point in getting engaged if you're not in a spot to be actively planning a wedding. As an engagement ring is technically a promise of marriage. Some people want things done before they tackle a wedding and marriage, finish school, get a career going, have some money, get a house, who knows..if the wedding isn't something thats going to realistically happen anytime soon, then a think the smybol of getting married shouldn't be on a finger.

 

I am in the same boat as you. We know we want to get married, and plan on doing so one day. But I don't want a ring on my finger for three years because right now, we aren't at a spot where a wedding is going to occur, so I don't want the promise of wedding of my finger just yet.

 

I don't know what to tell you, other than I know how you feel.

It is hard to just sit and wait for the time to come, and its frustrating when we talk and fantasize and browse bridal mags together...but we know its not something thats going to happen for several years..I just try and make the best of it. I keep busy with jobs, finishing my last year of school, debating grad school to keep busy..and just gonna keep on with my life and enjoy things as they are.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am also of the mind that it makes no sense to get engaged for an extended period of time...engagements are not solid commitments...they can break up at any time. I think it is wise of him to wait until he is ready to get married before he gets engaged. The engagement should be at the point when you know you are ready to be married. The promise rings are rather high school and are not really indicative of commitment to marry. You two are young and he is still finding his place career wise. Why not focus on building your career in the meantime...have some personal goals of your own that have nothing to do with your relationship.

[girl68]

Just get promise rings.

 

Why do you think it's a bout a rock? OP (I hope you don't just want the rock!)

She doesn't want to sit around with a "promise ring" while waiting for the real deal!

 

Anyhow, I am in the same boat as you OP. It's coming up on 2 years, he's ready in every way, and I'm sure soon enough it will happen. I like you can't stop thinking about it, have even made a few notes here and there about what I'd like for the wedding. I even wonder when and how he'll do it.

 

He doesn't know any of this though I've joked many times about what I want for our wedding who we are/ are not inviting and crap like that. It is all in good fun.

 

See now when I sit around and think about the wedding day, the proposal and the ring, I'm happy. But at the same time when I'm hoping for my dream to come true I tell myself to enjoy being his "girlfriend". I like when he says girlfriend, it's cute like we're young kids again! I also think about honestly once you're married, no one asks how you guys are anymore; that means you can't blab about cute things he does, you know like how you gossiped when you 2 first hooked up! Once you're married- it's like okay they are married, whatever. Once you're married, no one bugs you: "when are you getting married!?" like it's all fun and gossip and everyone is excited at the idea of a proposal- it's already all done. Once everyone is married it is assumed their relationship has hit its peak and is now going down hill (ASSUMPTION I KNOW!). But do you see what I'm getting at. There is not more courtship...

 

That's what I remind myself when I think about it... That by no means means that I don't want to get married I just use that to remind myself how good just being a lovey dovey couple is. Try that.

[redhearts]

Who said a promise ring had to have a rock? LOL It can just be a plain band that says I love you or something. Maybe she wants to feel more committed to him, maybe that could help, that its going forward.

[girl68]

^ Rock or band it's not about a ring.

It's about how she's keeping herself from wanting, and consuming herself with thoughts of marriage that is the issue.

[Hope75]

Once you're married- it's like okay they are married, whatever. Once you're married, no one bugs you: "when are you getting married!?" like it's all fun and gossip and everyone is excited at the idea of a proposal- it's already all done. Once everyone is married it is assumed their relationship has hit its peak and is now going down hill (ASSUMPTION I KNOW!). But do you see what I'm getting at. There is not more courtship...

 

Actually I think courtship is what keeps a marriage alive!

 

I'm getting married next week and I've been with my guy 6 years, living together for 5.5 years and I've never felt closer to him than now that we are committing ourselves together in marriage. For us I feel like it's just the beginning. I do think what you are saying is an assumption.

[girl68]

Actually I think courtship is what keeps a marriage alive!

 

I'm getting married next week and I've been with my guy 6 years, living together for 5.5 years and I've never felt closer to him than now that we are committing ourselves together in marriage. For us I feel like it's just the beginning. I do think what you are saying is an assumption.

 

^That is exactly what I've said. But OTHER people will assume that about you guys as well. No one gets to bug you when are you getting married? No one is going to ask you how you guys are doing (not the same way if you were just dating). You're married now (or will be). It's entirely different correction- it will be entirely different.

[Janay]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks for all of the great comments and suggestions. I think that the promise ring idea may have worked if it wasn't for the fact that he gave me a promise ring about 2 years go when we were still in college hehe.

 

From reading your comments it gave me the idea of using these two years to save up some money for the wedding. That way I'm still kind of planning, but it's more productive than just day dreaming about it . Oh ya,... he just said that he'd consider engagement before 2 yrs if he's financially ready by then. So, who knows, maybe I won't have to wait 2 years after all....

 

~Thanks again~

[yankeefan74]

Well by definition engagement is the period of time in which you actively plan a wedding and marriage, so you should be ready to plan for marriage, a wedding (if you want one), a home/living space, etc when you get engaged.

 

I guess I just don't agree with that. At it's core, all an engagement really is is a promise to marry.

 

If I knew i wanted to marry someone right now, I would ask her to marry me. I wouldn't tell her "I want to marry you, but i can't ask you to marry me until I have more cash in the bank."

 

Wanting to marry someone is pretty black and white...you do, or you don't. And i don't agree that you shouldn't get engaged for an extended period of time because it's not a solid commitment - if you really feel about each other the way people who want to be married should feel (and he's already said he wants to marry her), then it is a commitment.

 

But let's look at the divorce rate - even marriage isn't the solid commitment we often think of it as.

 

Again, the guy has already told the OP that he wants to marry her. obviously he's ready to be married.

[lady00]

Thing with guys is--they usually want to be financially ready before they get married. And, like some other posters said, I don't really see the point in getting engaged if the actual wedding is really really far off. I know plenty of couples who knew they were going to get married and discussed it for a long time before actually becoming engaged. Not actually getting engaged right now doesn't mean it won't happen. And it sounds like your guy wants to. It's a joint decision and right now he's not ready. I'd say, what's the harm in giving him the time he has asked for?

 

On the age thing--you are quite young. I know that in my mom's generation, getting married at that age was pretty normal but a lot has changed and now it seems like people are waiting a lot longer--often in part for financial reasons.

[Hope75]

I understand an engagement is a promise to marry, but traditionally it is the period of time in which you plan for a wedding and marriage. I guess I just don't see the point in getting engaged until you are ready to actively start planning a wedding and marriage within a reasonable amount of time.

 

Asking someone to marry you when you are not actually ready to start planning just doesn't make sense to me. Why not just stay bf/gf until you are ready to plan and do it?

 

You can know you want to get married, and still be bf/gf until you are actually ready to plan for the wedding and get married.

 

I don't know how seriously I take an engagement with no date set and no formal plans to get married.

[N_Love_Again]

A guy that i dated before pulled the "financially ready" excuse on me once and eventually when i started getting impatient after 6 years of waiting we did the promise ring thing. Then later i found out that he only did the promise ring because i wanted it and really wasnt ready to commit to me after 6 LONG YEARS of loyalty to him and unconditional love, so I can say now that we're no longer together. But he's been texting me every week for a year now asking me to marry him because he didnt know then that he had something worth keeping and he does now. I think it's too little too late.

[Hope75]

A guy that i dated before pulled the "financially ready" excuse on me once and eventually when i started getting impatient after 6 years of waiting we did the promise ring thing. Then later i found out that he only did the promise ring because i wanted it and really wasnt ready to commit to me after 6 LONG YEARS of loyalty to him and unconditional love, so I can say now that we're no longer together. But he's been texting me every week for a year now asking me to marry him because he didnt know then that he had something worth keeping and he does now. I think it's too little too late.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. The difficult thing about this is that some people do pull this card without actually meaning it and string their partner along for fear of losing them rather than an actual desire to get married.

 

In my experience if a man (or woman) is serious about getting married but would like to be financially stable first you can see evidence of this in their actions, working actively to save money, create a home, and prepare themselves for a point in their lives where they are ready for marriage. Words are only words, if they are backed up with actions it shows more promise of true intention.

 

The sad fact is that some people just don't want to get married, or don't want to marry their specific partner, and they would rather keep what they have than risk that by telling them the truth.

[saintxio]

I'm kinda in the same boat here as you are and actually has to ask this question to myself about proposal.

 

We recently got to meet relatives from both sides. And, although engagements is mainly between the couple.. there's alot more to it than just a ring. I'm from a fairly traditional Asian family so when the idea of marriage comes up, it's a big In-Laws to be affair too.

 

It was very stressful for my boyfriend to listen to my relatives talk about him as a good prospective husband. And very often, a man's ability to provide financial stability is a big part of their worth to daughter's parents. Even if they like him, when they're discussing trying to have the biggest and best wedding for their daughter/niece, it's hard right now for him to feel anything less than inept when he can't give a concrete "I'll be able to afford this wedding at this time.." and having the physical engagement just makes this even more constant.

 

Also, alot of guys are a bit wary of the Timeline. He may believe that he's pressured that engagements must mean a wedding the year later and maybe a child the year after that. So he could be thinking about trying to get this career underway to ensure that if these things happen he can secure a strong foundation for your married life together.

 

I'm just about to come out of college myself, 22 years old, and even though I'm certain I want to be with my boyfriend forever, I myself would like to hold a career I've been studying all these years for before I make the commitment. Self-esteem and the feeling in accomplishment in one's self should be a solid thing before someone becomes a strong member of something more.