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He's already asked someone else out


rapunzel

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Theshoefairy - you are absolutely right. Thanks for the pep talk.

 

browneyedgirl - thanks for your pep talk as well. We have a show in early Nov. that has been booked for quite some time. I am planning to skip rehearsal tomorrow night but I don't know how I can explain more than a couple/few absenses and to miss this show would be a big deal. I'd really be letting all these other people down. I don't care about my ex. Also, only two members know about the situation and for me to take a leave of absense (which I'm not even sure they would allow me) would lead to everyone knowing and I guess I'm not ready for that.

 

Yeah, I don't think I can take 'time off'. I'd probably have to quit. And really, my guess is I would need at least 3-6 months off to completely heal from this situation by having full No Contact with him. Because I've been emotionally involved with this man since about April of 2007 when I started developing feelings for him.

 

So I'm hoping that a week to let the dust settle will provide me a bit more clarity and knowing how to proceed. We have tentative dates in December and on New Years Eve.

 

In a way, I kind of wish this guy would contact me so we could discuss how we are going to handle this, although I know that probably would not make me feel much better. I did get the "I don't want to stop talking outside of band rehearsal..that's crazy and wrong" voicemail but ever since I found out he went with this other woman to the band outing this past weekend, I feel like I cannot face him. And I know NOTHING about his interest in her, maybe he just wanted a date, something to go with. Maybe he just likes her as a friend. Maybe he IS attracted to her. I don't know but I already have them as being seriously involved which is just silly.....if I did NOT KNOW about this woman going out with him, I probably would have been fine at rehearsal tomorrow.

 

But this seems to change everything....and I don't know if I'm just jumping to conclusions.

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Well I slept on it and right now I don't think I can handle going tonight. I've already shed some tears and it's not even 9:00AM.

 

I know if I change my MINDSET about this I could handle it. In a way, I wish my bandmate hadn't told me about the date with the other woman. I was doing OK and then...this.

 

So my plan right now is I'm going to miss the rehearsal, and I never miss rehearsal. I'm afraid it is going to be obvious and it doesn't help me for next week, or the week after, or the week after. Something tells me a week is not going to make me feel any better.

 

Maybe I'll feel better later in the day, I just don't know.

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I think it's a good plan for you not to go. If you were already crying and you'd just barely gotten up, it might be a good idea to stay home tonight.

 

I'm not really sure what to say. As you know, this "date" he had could be nothing, or it could be something -- you just don't know. I know that the temptation is to hang on, to wait it out, to see if things change/get better, to give him time to miss you, etc., but I think this guy has a long way to go before he can have a healthy relationship with anyone. You, on the other hand, have a lot to offer to someone, and the more you focus on him, the less you are able to put that focus on you and sending all that postive energy of yours out into the world. I know it's easier said than done. I am struggling as well, but I think I have it way easier than you do in that the door has completely slammed shut on me and my ex (unless something very drastic happens), so for all intents and purposes, I have nothing to hang on to anymore.

 

I wish I knew the right things to say. I am having hard days myself lately, so I totally sympathize. I thought I had a chance at a first date with a guy, but it's looking like it's not going to happen now, and it's so hard for me to meet guys or to even know where to meet them. I want very much to be able to move on and find someone else, but I have to be able to get to the first date to be able to do that. Enough about me. The point is, you are not alone, and you WILL have good days coming up. I've had some really good ones lately, and some not so good ones (like today), but those always pass. The sun always comes out again.

 

Keep us posted on what's happening, how you're feeling, etc. We're here for you.

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Actually browneyedgirl, I decided I am going to rehearsal.

 

I spoke to my bandmate/friend about it and he pointed out that if I cancel last minute that it will be obvious why I'm not going and it just gives him more power over me (I use "power" for lack of a better word.) AND that I need to just go in there, stand tall, say I'm better than that and face it as I'm going to have to face it next week anyway, unless I'm going to quit (which he urged me not to do.)

 

I went for a long walk and did a lot of positive affirmations and realized that I AM better than that. He chose to give me up and hey, I'm pretty great. So I actually am feeling a lot stronger and heck, confident. I spent the whole weekend wallowing in this crap. Tonight I'm going in there and HE is going to have to deal with ME, not the other way around. That said, I'm going to be cordial, calm, cool and confident.

 

I'm sick of the "victim" role. I'm giving him way too much free rent space in my head. I'm the prize here, not him. So I'm taking him off the pedestal and putting myself there. T

 

Thanks for your thoughtful words. Sorry you are still having hard days. It is tough to meet men but there's always online dating! You WILL get that first date one of these days! It will get better, I know that....this phase is only temporary for both of us.

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I hope the rehearsal goes well. I only suggested you not go because of how you indicated you were feeling this morning. If you're feeling better and able to handle it, then you should definitely go. Just remember that if it ever does feel like too much, or if you feel like you can't handle seeing him on a particular day, you CAN stay home -- it's OK to do that.

 

I think your best bet here is to just be professional, do your rehearsal, and head home afterward.

 

I think you have the right idea with the positive affirmations. I know that I found myself asking "How can I face him?" in the days/weeks following my exes big announcement of his reconciliation with his former ex (and his "non-announcement" of his recent *marriage*). Then, I realized: If anyone should feel bad or uncomfortable or not be able to face someone, it should be HIM! He's lucky I even still speak to him, really, that I don't just ignore him coldly after what he put me through. I definitely didn't do anything wrong here, and I refuse to go to work feeling/acting like a victim or like I have to tip-toe around him. I'm glad you are able to feel the same way.

 

You're right, the situation will change for both of us. I can't seem to psych myself up to do online dating -- all I hear are stories of people meeting weirdos or married guys or guys who disappear off the face of the earth, stuff like that. It exhausts me just thinking about it. I guess I'm not quite in the "no pain, no gain" mindset yet. Maybe I just need a bit more time to build my confidence so that I'm ready to face whatever happens.

 

I hope your rehearsal goes well tonight! Be your fabulous, talented self and knock 'em dead!

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>>I'm sick of the "victim" role. I'm giving him way too much free rent space in my head. I'm the prize here, not him. So I'm taking him off the pedestal and putting myself there. T

 

Good for you! that is one of the hardest shifts to make, where you recognize that you do have the power to make your own life good, and the other person doesn't control your ultimate happiness.

 

One does have to go thru the grieving process, but YOU deserve the best and shouldn't let him make you feel bad or powerless... you are neither!

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It occurred to me - I think you sing, yes? Well, even if you don't and you play an instrument - doesn't performing, even at a rehearsal, give you a natural high while you're doing it/make you feel empowered? Maybe that will help combat the uncomfortable/negative stuff.

 

Hope it went well.

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Thanks all...

 

Well, I did great. I felt not one iota of nervousness. I'll admit I did take extra pains with getting ready, how I looked, etc.

 

I smiled at him when he walked in and he smiled back. It felt good. If I'm going to have to work with him, this is how I would prefer it rather than trying to hold in resentment and hurt emotions. I tried to open my heart up and release any negative feelings I have towards him.

 

Yes, I'm a vocalist, as well as play piano and dabble in guitar...I was the only vocalist out of three (including the male lead vocalist) there last night so I carried all the vocal duties which was highly unusual but I did well.

 

A few people talked about the show they had attended the prior weekend but no mention of my ex's date which was a relief. My ex and I chatted briefly at the end, initiated by him. It felt comfortable, relaxed, friendly, normal. I do not regret anything we talked about or anything I said, which is a plus.

 

The downside of this is that I am quite definitely not close to being over him. I am still very attracted to this man and I have a feeling that is not going to change anytime quickly. He is a beautiful man. Sigh. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking of him and could not get to sleep. Trying not to let my imagination run wild, e.g. because last night was so relaxed and I felt a nice vibe from him. We just booked a New Years Eve gig and I have such fear that he will be with a new woman who will be at the show...trying to release this fear and not worry about what MAY or may NOT happen.

 

So my goal now is to get an internet ad up and running, probably match, and try to meet other guys so I can do casual dating and take it slow, slow, slow this time. I need to stop fantasizing about my ex and that he may want me back.

 

Also, I asked a colleague on another gig I did this past weekend if he knew any single guys and he mentioned someone I have met who seems like a really nice guy. My colleague said he would see about setting me up on a date with him and I will follow up on that.

 

The good news is I did find some guys I found attractive while perusing Match this AM and am feeling optimistic about eventually meeting someone new. Releasing expectations about the type of guy I want and opening up to new possibilities. Trying not to focus so much on the physical and keeping in mind that the really hot, handsome guys (like my ex) who are single at my age should possibly be approached with caution. About accepting what has happened and applying the painful lessons to finding a new love relationship and again, taking it slow this time.

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