He's already asked someone else out

[rapunzel]

This belongs in the Healing Forum but is related to my earlier post about "should I accept a group invitation from my ex?"

 

Well...I just found out that my ex asked out another woman, someone who came to our show this past weekend who is friends with another guy in the band. He asked her to the show that he emailed our group about. They were chatting during our break. He even joined her and a friend on the dance floor briefly. I noticed him talking to her a lot but I tried not to think anything of it.

 

Less than 3 weeks and he asks someone out who is FRIENDS with one of our colleagues. Two of my bandmates who know about this are disgusted and have lost all respect for him. The bandmate who is friends with this woman is going to warn her against going out with him.

 

I have to say this hurts...very much...I don't have any details of WHEN he asked her to go to this show this weekend that I declined, or what. I declined via email at 10Pm last night and according to my colleague, it is very possible that he asked her BEFORE he even got my response.

 

I cannot fathom he would do something so insensitive and even downright cruel, after telling me not even 3 weeks ago that he did not want us to be completely over. I'm sure I'll get more details.

 

Part of me wants to think he just wanted a date for Friday when he found out I was not going but it's also possible he didn't even consider my feelings. I never would think that of him. He seems like a sensitive person. Or maybe he's trying to get a rise out of me as I've acted calm and collected when I'm around him. How else could I get through rehearsals and a show? Part of me thinks he is trying to create some drama.

 

Well I guess I'll go back to healing and put any thoughts of reconciliation WAY out of my mind.

 

I am SO tempted to call him and ask him what he was thinking. How he could do this to me, a colleague, someone he called a close friend, someone he spent a lot of time with and was intimate with for the past 3 months. Someone he thought was a wonderful, giving person. It seems unfathomable he would do something so hurtful.

[Jay_Bird]

I know how you feel but whatever you do don't do it

 

whatever you say won't change his mind

 

all you going to do is make it worse and push him futher away

 

I know it hurts,trust me

[Jay_Bird]

also its going to be hard

 

but give yourself some time to improve yourself not for him,but for yourself

 

no one wants a dirty scarwny dog scratching on there front porch,begging for food

 

you would push it away

 

but if you see a clean coat dog,with a collar around its neck,looking fresh,you are going to accept it in,and try to see were it came from

 

 

well that analogy was horrible but you get my drift,being desperate won't help

 

don't listen to your heart,because its in panic mode right now,and your not thinking st8 cause your heart

 

if you need somewhere to vent just come here,this board has helped me out a lot

[rapunzel]

Thanks Jay Bird -

 

I guess I should get the details before I jump to conclusions...but it does seem likely he was going to ask this girl to the show without knowing if I would accept or not.

 

It's unfathomably mean if that is the case. Just incredible. This is a man who is almost 50 years old!

 

I am not going to contact, I know it will just make me feel worse and will send me into a deeper hole. I just wish I didn't have to see him, I may be able to avoid it for a couple of weeks.

 

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow and will just be thankful I dodged a bullet with him. Better to see his true colors now, rather than later.

[Aviatormy]

Personally I would feed that scrawny little dog scratching on my door because he needs it most. I would not accept the dog with a collar because it belongs to someone else

 

 

Just sayin....

[Aviatormy]

to the OP... Why don't you invite a date to go next time you know you will run into him. Make the date someone that you have no intentions of being with though. See what his reaction to that is. Perhaps he is just dong the same thing. Maybe he just wants some company ya know?

[Wotgorilla]

Thanks Jay Bird -

 

I guess I should get the details before I jump to conclusions...but it does seem likely he was going to ask this girl to the show without knowing if I would accept or not.

 

It's unfathomably mean if that is the case. Just incredible. This is a man who is almost 50 years old!

 

I am not going to contact, I know it will just make me feel worse and will send me into a deeper hole. I just wish I didn't have to see him, I may be able to avoid it for a couple of weeks.

 

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow and will just be thankful I dodged a bullet with him. Better to see his true colors now, rather than later.

 

when you have any doubts, re-read what you have just wrote. You dodged a bullet, as I have. Whatever you do, stay away!

 

My ex let it slip 3 days after she dumped me that she had a "date" which two days later was "hanging out" and then slipped to me that she had been cheating. I would have avoided this pain (and the nastiness that followed) had I trusted my guts and gone straight to NC.

 

Trust me, stay away!

[rapunzel]

Thanks for your replies....

 

Unfortunately we are musicians in a band together so I cannot do NC unless I quit. My bandmates are so peeved with him they said they would much rather HE leave the band than me.

 

To Aviatormy - I did have guys talking to me at the end of our show last weekend, and he did take notice. There's one "stalker" type guy he knows about who comes to ALL our shows and who has a thing for me, I have no interest in him and my ex knows it. One guy friend of mine and I sat down at a table to chat and my ex backed up several feet ostensibly to hear what we were saying...

 

He might be doing the same thing. He might have just want some company, true. It's really difficult to determine, not knowing anything and not talking to him about it.

 

I have to just let my emotions settle down before I act on them and do something I may later regret.

[Mayday11]

I am SO tempted to call him and ask him what he was thinking. How he could do this to me, a colleague, someone he called a close friend, someone he spent a lot of time with and was intimate with for the past 3 months. Someone he thought was a wonderful, giving person. It seems unfathomable he would do something so hurtful.

 

This is a common reaction that people have after finding out their ex is seeing someone else. It's the same reaction I had, too, so I completely understand where it comes from. The thing is, they're not doing anything to you, they're doing something for themselves. A hard pill to swallow after a breakup is that "you" are no longer a consideration in your ex's decision making, just as they shouldn't be a consideration in yours. It's not meant as a slight or anything. Heck, my very best friend who I would die for isn't even taken into consideration when I'm pursuing a romantic interest. Not because I don't value him very much, but because my romantic life is between me and the person I have feelings for and no one else. I don't ask my best friend for approval or if he thinks it's okay if I start dating someone.

 

Remember, although you may not feel like it, you are just as capable and just as free to go on dates as your ex is. The only person that is preventing this is you.

Well I guess I'll go back to healing and put any thoughts of reconciliation WAY out of my mind.

Yes, this is what everyone should do. People often put the cart before the horse and begin planning on how to reconcile before they do any sort of healing. This never works out and quite often ends up hurting the dumpee even more. A period of healing will allow you to look at the idea of reconciliation with a clear head. You may realize you don't really want back in or you may realize that you still do want to reconcile. But, at least you'll know you've made your decision with a level head and not due to a knee-jerk reaction to the breakup.

 

Oh, and whether there is a new person or not doesn't matter. The thing you need to put most attention to is whether they're with you or not. I've never seen "other relationships" hurt chances of reconciliation (if anything, it's the opposite: the new relationship may very well make your ex miss the old one more).

 

So, do your best to put your ex and any ideas of reconciliation on the back burner for awhile and focus on getting back on your feet. It's the best thing you can do, no matter what outcome you ultimately want to achieve.

 

Good luck.

[rapunzel]

I hear what you are saying MayDay but not even 3 weeks later? And what if I intend to accept the group invite - would he be SO CALLOUS to bring another date, not even 3 weeks later after we had a talk where he said he wanted to stop being intimate (it was "overwhelming" him) but did not want us to completely over?

 

He called me last week and left an emotional voicemail how he did not want us to just stop talking outside of rehearsal, how that seemed "crazy and.....wrong". I returned the call two days later and we talked the next day, and kept it light, breezy to band business as we had a show that night.

 

As Cats mentioned in my other thread, it is TOO late for me to call him and try to talk with him or would that be totally barking up the wrong tree?

 

I know I am capable of going on dates. I'm thinking of link removed as I hardly ever meet anyone, I'm 47 yeah, I look 37 on good days, but it's just super, super hard at my age. He's 49 and can go out with people 10 years younger...

 

And how do I heal when I have to see him at rehearsal? I have considered quitting as this roller coaster is just too much sometimes...

[Jay_Bird]

I agree,where I live,I have always seen couples reunite

 

my best friend for instance,he is currently with his girl again,he said when he found out she was with somebody else,he didn't talk to her anymore

 

there is actually a good side to new relationships for the dumpee

 

if you stay away and do nc

 

the ex will start to miss the old times that you had,and even start forgetting the bad things

 

 

but I have never seen anyone get there ex back,by whining and complaining to the dumper about their new relationship

[redhearts]

Don't talk to him, he is not worth it.

[Jay_Bird]

Don't talk to him, he is not worth it.

 

 

to be truthful she don't want to hear that,thats all she is going to be thinking about

 

and thinking about how she can get him back

 

the best thing to do is keep busy,I mean do anything go wash your car,go write a ton of new songs

 

when you stop and do nothing,your thoughts are going to take over you

 

talk on the phone with friends

 

but everyone is right you need to focus on yourself,and get out of that stage where your desperate for him

 

its like being in jail (which I never been too,but others have told me about)

 

if you don't do something with your time like read,lift weights,play basketball etc.

 

you are going to spend many more days crying and stressing

 

while your ex is out enjoying yourself

 

you will never get him back,if he always see you in that state

 

good luck,I know your hurt,I know you in pain

 

but this is what this board is for

[OrangeMoon]

Look..everyone handles hurt,loneliness,loss in a different way...

 

Yes as a woman,a person who loved him,i would feel hurt too if someone you loved would move on so quicly..

 

but that's just it...maybe he cant deal with what he is feeling about you..and tries to hide it the best he knows how...

 

he is grasping...it might sound weird..but in a way..you should be glad really that he is taking such desperate matters...

 

if you know,that love had really been in your rels...no matter what..he is dealing with the hurt the best he knows how..

 

If he is hiding from his feelings..at some point they are going to catch up with him..always---now he is the dumper...but he is a dumpee in the future..mark my words

 

And then he will be posting here..maybe even reading your old post..when you are long gone and happy life grand haha

[emalkoc]

Rapunzel, hi lady! how are you doing?

 

Well, what he is doing perfectly alright and you should TREAT it as very OK and dont care even though you hurt inside. As much as you show you hurt, it will drag you longer, it will look weak on him = unattractiveness! more for other men...

 

we've all gone thru these stages but it happens. One of the other gets involve and moves on; whether it is a year, 2 weeks or a day later...it really does not matter...Their problem.

 

 

But I agree with Broken that he will come back and confuse you over again...In order for you to prevent that happenning again again, please MOVE ON...We care for you!

 

cheers

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This sounds like a common problem...

 

frequently when people want to break up with someone (especially someone they have ties to like your musical interests), they don't always tell the truth as the excuse for the breakup. They know that all hell will break loose if they say, i want to date this other woman rather than you. so they give some nebulous reason for breaking up they hope you accept, then they also do the 'but i value too much to lose you as a friend' thing too.

 

But in their minds, they've now broken up, and are just waiting for you to adjust to the idea. So for him, waiting 3 weeks if he'd already made up his mind might seem OK in his head, like you've had time to adjust to the breakup and are now friends. He may have had this other woman in mind all along.

 

So I think you were hoping it was a reversible breakup, but he was firmly moving on. But now you know, he has indeed moved on, so you do know where you stand with him now, and can make your own decisions on whether you want to try to be friends or just break off contact (which might be easier under the circumstances).

[sine]

not to be judgmental, but yeah, that's highly insensitive on him.

 

i think the thing that i remind myself of is that when people/others hook up with new people right after or during the end of a relationship, it's usually a sign that they're really insecure. that always makes me feel better.

 

sorry it's happening to you, but remember, it isn't your fault. at all.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is exactly in keeping with his other shenanigans...it goes with the territory with this kind of person...he strung his ex along until she couldn't take it anymore and dumped him for good...then suddenly he is all broken up...but starts seeing you anyway...now he has toyed with you again, dumped you, is supposedly still pining over his ex, doesn't want you to walk out of his life either but then goes and asks yet another person...a person who has connections to the band. This guy sounds rather narcissistic and he desperately needs his fan club. This guy has very shallow feelings.

[Batya33]

I agree it is insensitive to date someone who is connected to the band. On the other hand, you two haven't exclusively dated for a long time (did you ever? I thought you said you never did but I might be misremembering) and when you agreed to casually date, I guess it's assumed you can date anyone else at the same time. I agree he should not have asked you to go to the same event at which this other woman would be - that was jerky. Sorry.

[rapunzel]

Thanks all for your thoughtful replies.

 

I still don't know the timing of his invitation to this other woman. If by sending a group invite he was "fishing" to see if I was going...and then when he learned I was NOT going he THEN asked this other woman then that would be one thing....despite it being it being insensitive to ask a woman who is connected to the band. Even though our break up was left nebulous to me (he worded it as "Taking a step back rather than this is IT"), it's probably because he wanted to be the nice guy and give me a soft landing.

 

With two other couples going to this show, perhaps he did not want to feel like the 5th wheel and he may have felt this other woman would be an appropriate guest, as she is friends with one of our bandmates. He did not know her before Friday night, so he was not interested in her all along, Be Strong Be Happy.

 

My bandmate used to say these group invites were fishing expeditions...for me...passive aggressive, noncommital ways to get me to spend time with him....without it being a date, or meaning anything.

 

BUT.... if he asked this woman right away and wanted her to go with him all along, not KNOWING if I was going or not, and not CARING if I would be there or not...then that is another thing entirely.

 

It would seem if he wanted to go out with this woman, he would have just asked her out on a date, and not make it this complicated group thing, with the possibility of me showing up. Unless the point was to make me jealous and to create "drama", as I've been putting on my game face for the last 3 weeks and been quite calm in his presense. Even giving him a friendly smile.

 

If he was thinking I might be there and he would bring her as his date, then he's a clueless, insensitive, egocentric lout and I don't want to be in the same room with him.

 

Batya, we were exclusive for 3 months, we did agree that neither of us would see other people while we were intimate with each other.

 

I had considered calling him and talking about stuff but I know I should just let it go and let him dig his own hole. Besides, calling him over this would just give him a a big ole ego boost. But a few people have asked me if my ex has any idea how upset and hurt I am by the break up. They think that if I'm just so calm and seemingly unruffled that he would think "well, she's over it so I'll just ask this other woman out". He MUST know I'm hurt, if I was not hurt, I'd still be chatting with him on the phone, suggesting we hang out, etc. And I'm sure he could tell I was hurt the night he ended things. I'm just not a crier, a pleader and a beggar and I've done NC except for band business.

 

So I'm hoping to find out the timing of this invite to her from one of my colleagues.

 

It is going to be tough to grin and bear it though, although I know I have to take the high road and do JUST that.....I have no choice if I want to stay in this band.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

People create all these insurmountable obstacles and excuses in their own minds as to why they aren't together, but the reality is that you are right there, ready and waiting if he wants to be with you, and he could ask you to date again if he wanted to.

 

If he wants to be with you, why not pick up the phone and say, 'i want to be with you.' Ask you out to dinner (not 'group' dates like you're a teenager). i don't think these group activities are about him wanting to date you again, but because you are both in the band.

 

You have to ask yourself, why ISN'T he asking me out if he wants to spend time with me? The answer is, because he broke up with you. And he is asking out other people now.

 

when people stay in contact for other reasons than wanting to be together (i.e,. because of the band) you can easily misinterpret any contact as 'meaning' something when it doesn't.

 

so if there is any doubt in your mind that he means more by contact, then talk to him again and see where his feelings are (with wanting to start dating again or not). if he says no again, then don't do all this analysis of his every little move because you're just leading yourself astray and delaying your own healing.

[rapunzel]

Everything you say makes sense, BSBH.

 

He did leave me a rather emotional sounding voicemail on 9/16....first call since break on 9/04...but he said nothing about getting back together, he said "I don't want us to just stop talking outside of rehearsal...that just seems wrong...and crazy." But he did not say he wanted to see me. AS I said, I returned that call two days later and we kept it to band business. He thanked me for the call and said it was good to hear from me. I have not let in that I am hurt in any way, that I can tell. When I left the show Friday night I said good night to he and one other guy but I was rather quick about it. He said "sorry I screwed up your song" as he made a glaring mistake on my song, we talked about it earlier and I just said as I was walking out without turning to look at him, "I'll forgive you".

 

So I worried about that. That I was too cold. Yeah, stupid for me to worry about this perhaps.....as he did break up with a couple of weeks prior.

 

So there is doubt in my mind, BSBH. I have considered talking with him about it but everyone (save for a couple of people) seems to think it is a bad idea. It puts me in a "one down" position to ask HIM how he feels about dating ME again. And it will give him an ego boost.

 

I"m also worried, as emalkoc said, that he will be "back" at some point...especially if I continue to play it cool. And I will not have met anyone (it's rare I find people I want to date) and it's going to be a big challenge. I just fear this is going to be a continuing saga.

 

I have found a therapist to help me sort out this stuff but 50 minute once a week doesn't seem enough!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

There is a large contingent of young people on this board who are into the 'gaming' approach of relationships where they think if they play certain games and do certain things it will be more likely to bring someone back. But it usually fails, or it brings someone back for a while, then the relationship falls apart for the same reasons it did the first time.

 

You have to recognize your focus is on building a happy life and a good, authentic relationship, not just on tricking or gaming someone into coming back (for a while). And usually, they spend a long long time thinking they are getting someone back with the games, analyzing every little move and contact, then what happens is... nothing.

 

So you need to focus on what you really want here. You're an adult and so is he, so my suggestion is that you be very honest with him, and say that you want to know if after 3 weeks he's reconsidered and feels the breakup was a mistake or not. Then gear your behavior to his answer to that. There is so much miscommunications and misunderstandings that can happen with the 'gaming' approach, that you may not want to waste your time on. If he wants to work on it, work on it, but if he doesn't, then don't waste your time.

 

If he really likes you, he'll find a way to try again. If he doesn't, he won't. It is far better for you emotionally to figure out where he stands right now, and behave accordingly. He could change his mind and come back, or not, but if you try to guess where he is or manipulate it, then you will just spend a huge amount of time thinking about a relationship that doesn't exist at this point in time. You are better off working on getting happiness for yourself, and pursuing people who really want to be with you NOW, whether it is him or someone else.

 

If you were 20 and had time to play these games fine, but i think at your age it is better to just get on with it, one way or another.

[rapunzel]

There is a large contingent of young people on this board who are into the 'gaming' approach of relationships where they think if they play certain games and do certain things it will be more likely to bring someone back. But it usually fails, or it brings someone back for a while, then the relationship falls apart for the same reasons it did the first time.

 

Good point.

 

You have to recognize your focus is on building a happy life and a good, authentic relationship, not just on tricking or gaming someone into coming back (for a while). And usually, they spend a long long time thinking they are getting someone back with the games, analyzing every little move and contact, then what happens is... nothing.

 

This is true also...

 

So you need to focus on what you really want here. You're an adult and so is he, so my suggestion is that you be very honest with him, and say that you want to know if after 3 weeks he's reconsidered and feels the breakup was a mistake or not. Then gear your behavior to his answer to that. There is so much miscommunications and misunderstandings that can happen with the 'gaming' approach, that you may not want to waste your time on. If he wants to work on it, work on it, but if he doesn't, then don't waste your time.

 

I have thought about doing this. Since a couple male friends have asked me if he knows how I am feeling and of course, I don't know WHAT he is thinking about me but I've had to be strong and act "as if" in order to get through working and performing with him. They think HE may think that I just DON'T CARE and I'm OK with this break up.

 

Yet I think to approach him and ask him where he stands IS risky as I hate to admit, I still think we have a chance...perhaps that is magical thinking...and if I approach him with this NOW, it will just backfire, as people (even 49 year old guys) want what they CAN'T HAVE and it will be ALL OVER. Then again, you may be right...perhaps honesty is the way to go here....as we are not "kids".

 

If he really likes you, he'll find a way to try again. If he doesn't, he won't. It is far better for you emotionally to figure out where he stands right now, and behave accordingly. He could change his mind and come back, or not, but if you try to guess where he is or manipulate it, then you will just spend a huge amount of time thinking about a relationship that doesn't exist at this point in time. You are better off working on getting happiness for yourself, and pursuing people who really want to be with you NOW, whether it is him or someone else.

 

I hear you. But he would not know he he really feels after 3 weeks, would he? Wouldn't he though more quickly realize what he is missing if I just leave him alone, continue NC, pursue dating others, and he will then ascertain that he may lose me forever? If I put myself OUT there into the palm of his hand, and ask him if he feels the break up is a mistake, I fear my value will decrease in his eyes. I already made myself vulnerable to him and this just increases my vulnerability.

 

If you were 20 and had time to play these games fine, but i think at your age it is better to just get on with it, one way or another.

 

Yes, I agree. I do want to talk with him, I do. But my fear is that it will backfire and I may feel worse. I may have to wait and see how I feel. Maybe at 30 days post break would be a better time...and I may feel differently by then. But will that be TOO LATE?

[Jay_Bird]

I see why people on this board,say you dodge a bullet a lot

 

because what it really means is

 

you escaped the pain before it gets worse

 

 

you got to let them go,your heart is hurt,and you want what you know you can't have,your brain knows you can't have him right now,but your heart doesn't want to believe that

 

its going to hurt,trust me,but it won't hurt forever it won't

 

but if you stay clinging on to this guy,its going to mess up your future

 

and its going to mess you up from meeting some great people

 

 

if your in serious pain,talk to some friends,trust me,you have friends who have been through it

 

talk to parents........and most of yall cry your heart out until your tired

 

I'm a guy,and I admit to it,I cried to the point I was tired

 

I been working out and my self confidence is coming back strong because I been losing weight

 

you will be okay