antwaan31 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 I've been with her for over 6 months now, I love her to death and we have hinted to each other about being married(ways off though). Im 21 and she's 20, both virgins. I knew she wanted to wait and I respected that, never bugged her. but tonight we had a lengthy talk and she told me the reason she isn't ready to be with me yet is she is terrified of everything about sex... she wouldnt go into detail and I didnt know what to tell her. what should I say/do? What does that exactly mean? Im not in a huge hurry, I can wait more if i have to, but she said she's afraid of losing me if she doesnt put out(not the case, but she doesnt believe it) and she's scared to do that. Link to comment
Dragunov-21 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Just try and reassure her by being intimate in other ways and letting her know how much it mean to you. If you think you can get her to open up (read: thoughts, not legs), you might be able to help her past her fears, which is good even if you still decide to wait. What does she say when you ask what scares her about it? Link to comment
bijoux27 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Look, when I was a virgin, several of my girl friends told me how much it HURT them when they lost their virginity. They described it in detail. I was TERRIFIED. I thought that I would lose mine on my wedding night, and if that were the case, I'd punch my husband if he hurt me. Well, things happened, and I lost it to my BF, it didn't hurt one bit and it was freakin' amazing. Just take it slow with her. You don't have to have sex yet. Just allow her to be comfortable with you, start slow, with fingers, oral, etc..and then you guys can do it when you're ready. A lot of girls are nervous about it.. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 welcome to enotalone - can she elaborate on what is terrifying her? is it emotional? physical? has she ever used a tampon, used fingers on herself, or used a sex toy? if she has never done these things, she may be afriad of having something inside of her...? has she ever had an appointment at a gynecologist? Link to comment
monkey123 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 dump her!!!! jking, its not a big deal just make sure she KNOWS that u want her to be as comfortable as possable and if she isnt ready u r fine with that. It will happen one of these days when she is feeling daring Link to comment
antwaan31 Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 its not just intercourse, its everything, she doesnt want me to touch her and she doesnt want to touch me there either. all she would say is everything about it scares her, even the touching. Link to comment
fragmint Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 so shes not ready AND shes scared? or shes ready to try with you, BUT shes scared? Link to comment
Dragunov-21 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 its not just intercourse, its everything, she doesnt want me to touch her and she doesnt want to touch me there either. all she would say is everything about it scares her, even the touching. Could it be bad past experiences, like abuse or something? Link to comment
fragmint Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 ahh you posted right before me.! well in that case, do everything else but dont touch her? lol . when or if you guys are ready to get to that stage of things, you could maybe let her touch you first and explore a little. it might help make her more comfortable about things if shes more in control and not vulnerable Link to comment
bijoux27 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Does she ever masturbate? Link to comment
antwaan31 Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 I think its the but Thanks for all the quick replies!! Link to comment
Dragunov-21 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 ahh you posted right before me.! well in that case, do everything else but dont touch her? lol . It's mebbe a little too obvious, but... possibility. Or it could just be a matter of upbringing, an ex of mine had serious issues because her head and body were telling her she wanted... intimacy, but she was constantly worried about "sin", (she was raised coptic orthodox). Link to comment
antwaan31 Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 ^you know i asked her if whenever we've gotten close to that point if she felt like it was wrong and she shouldnt be doing it, she said it was somewhat like that. I know its nothing religious, she's not like anti god or anything but she's never been to church or nothing like that. Link to comment
monkey123 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 u know, i used to listen to love line and there was something like this. They said usually when a girl acts like that something happened to them in their past. I dont want to say it but maybe something bad happened to her in her past or something, u should try to talk to her and c if u can get any hints of this Link to comment
antwaan31 Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 hmm.. its possible. I talked to her and she said that she wants to be with me but she's scared to do anything beyond kissing and cuddling. Link to comment
Dragunov-21 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 I guess the only advice we can give you with any degree of certainty is be very sensitive to her feelings about it, and don't get pushy, or she might freak... ^You already know, I know you know, but it's still worth stating. Link to comment
JiMmIyZ Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 reassure her but always have that teensy weensy push, i don't mean push her into it i mean like push boundries but always stop when she even hints she's 2 uncomfortable. it sounds right in my head at least. You could always use the you have to face your fears head on if it turns out to be way to serious. yeah i probably sound like your average sex hungry teen but this is complete third person. You can follow it or leave it, your choice. Not my relationship, i don't know all the details. Could it be bad past experiences, like abuse or something? You seriously gotta ask her about this though, if she has been i'd suggest don't even think about trying what i said up there and get her into theorpy or something for it. It's pretty serious. Link to comment
greywolf Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 I think for girls it sometimes is harder because a lot of us are taught to always be proper, to not like anything sexual, and to be ashamed of our sexuality. Does she come from a very conservative family? I think that it could also be a trust issue. Link to comment
antwaan31 Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 "trust" that word has come up. she said she has a hard time trusting anyone, even her best friends. as far as coming from a conservative family...no... Link to comment
antwaan31 Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 she said she's never masturbated... Link to comment
SimplySasha Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 You know... I was terrified of my first time as well. I was so worked up over how much it would hurt and how I would be that I didn't enjoy it at all. Funny thing though, I ended up being one of those hymen-less girls. Wish I'd have known beforehand. It sounds like your girlfriend is scared physically and mentally about this. You mentioned that she feels somewhat like its wrong and you shouldn't be taking it that far. Perhaps its just not the right time for her. She might feel like you should be in a more commited relationship before she gives herself up, as in married or engaged. I think that the act of sex is on a pretty high level with your girlfriend and she may be shy with letting you know about it because it would seem improper. She may have a negative view on sexuality, she did say she's never masturbated, but you don't know that, she may be ashamed to admit it. I'd never admit to it either if you asked me in person! Let her know that its OK with you that sex isn't that serious of a part in your relationship, she's special enough to wait for until she is ready, and she's perfectly normal to have some reservations. See if you can get her to discuss what terms she would like her first time to be, I would think that at some point, all girls have thought about it, would she be comfortable sharing her thoughts wtih you? Certainly not some quickie on the livingroom floor, maybe she's holding out for something different and a lot more comfortable. Perhaps let her know about how you've thought about your first time, with someone special, just make sure you don't say its with a hooker in a back alley, you might get some strange looks from her with that one. Link to comment
Dragunov-21 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Certainly not some quickie on the livingroom floor ... What's wrong with the living room floor for your first time? ._. Mind you, my ex was a little more... Into the idea lol, she pretty much jumped me lol Link to comment
SimplySasha Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 ... What's wrong with the living room floor for your first time? ._. Mind you, my ex was a little more... Into the idea lol, she pretty much jumped me lol Woah, perhaps you are my ex? Sounds familiar Nothing wrong with it, but I think in this girl's case, that's probably not the kind of "romance" she's looking for. Link to comment
Dragunov-21 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Woah, perhaps you are my ex? Sounds familiar O.o Grrr? Nothing wrong with it, but I think in this girl's case, that's probably not the kind of "romance" she's looking for. True, dat. Link to comment
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