How to start over after taking things too quickly.

[jhinnako]

So my "boyfriend" and I have been seeing each other going 3 months. We met on myspace actually, he contacted me and we started talking online. After about two weeks, it turned into phone calls. At this point, I was still very unsure of him, being that I didn't know him any other way than off the internet, but my fears were silenced when I met him in person. He seemed like a great guy.

 

Things went well and like they were suppose too in the beginning. We had fun together...then we messed it up around date 5 by sleeping together...which ended up being around 2 and a half weeks after meeting each other in person. Things became awkward after that(obviously) and never really corrected itself. He brought up exclusivity, but only because I think that's what he thought should happen with or after having sex. It's been about 2 months since then and we've never recovered correctly. We see each other 2-3 times a week, we hang out a lot, watch movies, go out, we have a good time together, but something has continued to be "off" between us. Things are still a little awkward, like we skipped the valuable "togetherness" dynamic we should have learned naturally *and* gradually. We've had several long, confusing talks about what's wrong between us, especially lately. We've decided that we don't want to break up, but we don't know how to go about changing what's wrong.

 

So we're trying to fix it. We're trying to start over. He wants to keep the exclusitivity, the "title" so that stays, but other than that, we're going to go back to what all we skipped over. I guess we'll just behave like a fresh "just dating" couple pre-sex and all that jazz and just go forth gradually and see if this fixes what's wrong between us. Do you guys this this can work? Any tips?

[Batya33]

It's not impossible. It might be just a case of two people not being compatible -- not that you would have been more compatible had you waited to have sex. What I would do - see each other once a week, talk once or twice a week at most (and no texting/emailing), and do something fun/interesting that once a week (and no sex). Having that space to get to know each other might feel more lighthearted, less intense/overwhelming.

[redhearts]

Well think of it like this, if you waited, would this still have happened?

[jhinnako]

Well, let me tell you more about our "confusing talks" here lately...He says he doesn't feel like he knows me as well as he should by this point, but he doesn't know what it is that he or we should ask each other. He says we don't fight or have any disagreements over anything, but because we get along, there's no intensity because there's no conflict and he's never and I've never had a relationship like this. We get along so smoothly, we agree on everything. He says he's not sure if that's a bad thing though.

 

I asked him if he thought we should just take some time apart to think about it, but he definitely didn't want to do that. That he loved spending time with me, but he'd not yet made up his mind about "us" and that he thinks we need to spend more time together to figure it out, but that we should slow down on the sex stuff. But, he made it very clear that he doesn't want to break the exclusitivity, see other people, etc.

[Batya33]

I believe in getting to know each other at a reasonable pace, over time - interviewing each other can be a fun game for a few hours but ironically that's often not the way you get to know each other.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You have been seeing each other for 3 months and had sex at the 2.5 week mark...and I suppose having sex since then. Once you have sex that mystique is over and done with...you can't turn back the clock and do a "let's pretend it never happened and act like we are just dating and building the sexual tension" If two people have a connection, the sex too soon would not kill it. The reason why it is not a good idea to have sex too soon is so that two people can find out if they do have a connection before sex complicates things. It is very possible that the two of you don't have a connection and that would have been clear had you not slept together...now that you have slept together it sounds like you are both trying to force a connection because you both feel like you should have one since you had sex. This is one of the problems with sex to soon...it sets up expectations before you properly know someone and know if you are compatible. No, there doesn't have to be fighting and disagreements in order to feel the connection. In fact, two people getting along is what romantic relationships are all about. It sounds like you two simply have a nice friendship together with sex thrown in. Don't be surprised if even cutting out the sex doesn't change the feelings because perhaps sex or no sex, those feelings never would have developed anyway.

[jhinnako]

Well I think we do have a connection, but I don't know about him. So maybe he doesn't. If that's the case, then I'd rather just end it right now and get it over with. But he doesn't want to do that. I'm not one to think we could ever really be friends after all this, I just don't know how that'd work. So I don't know what to do. He wants to stay together and see what happens, but to be blunt, if this is a waste of time, I'd rather it be done with now. For my sake.

[Batya33]

By connection what do you mean? Things in common? Compatible values? A feeling of connection?

[Rose21]

My boyfriend and I had INSTANT connection the day we met eachother, if we had sex 2.5 weeks after we met we still would be together and I doubt anything would be weird between us.

 

But I'm gald we waited. We waited 2 months. He was a virgin, and I had just gotten out of a bad relationship. I made a mistake and was with this one guy whom I "thought" I loved and lost my virginity to him before a month was up.

 

So me and my boyfriend waited. We agreed to set a date, Senior Prom which was the 2 month point, and that was a PERFECT amount of time.

 

We didn't kiss til after 2 weeks nearly, we touch eachother until 3 weeks, and we didn't do oral until a month.

 

We set limits. And it worked great!

[SimplySasha]

Ok, so you both messed up and had sex together a bit too soon. It happens, don't knock yourselves down about it. What's done is done. Plan another date together, let him know that yes, you guys already slept together, it was probably the wrong timing, but you don't have any regrets about it being with him (right?). So just start over again, he's a great guy, you want to get to know him and want him to get to know you. Let him know this. The next time you get ready to go out, put your hand out and say, "Hi, my name is , I like trees and pasta and I'd like to get to know you more", and just have a little fun with it, relationships are supposed to be fun you know.