Dumped for another girl.. utterly miserable... need advice

[Sick]

I've never been more upset then this. Not even when my boyfriend of 1.5 yrs told me he hated me and that he had wasted his time with me. Not when he attempted suicide and cheated on me with another girl in the psyciatric ward he was sent to. Not even when he cheated on me with my best friend. This by far is the worst. This time i really do fear that things might be lost for good between us, and i am completely desperate to show him that i AM better for him than this new girl.

 

He's an as*hole. I know. And i also know i am putting myself through hell trying to work things out with this guy. I know he loved me at one point, but i f*cked up. I lost him because of my own stupidity. I pushed him away, insulted him, was a complete b*tch to him and i never listened to him or took interest in the things he loves to do. In fact i was such a jerk to him about everything. I told him i hated his artwork, that he was a crappy drawer, i told him he sucked at photography, i told him he wrote like a preschooler and i told him he was too damn stupid to make it through highschool, and he would never have a decent future. I get angry at him every day, and i try with everything i have to hurt him as much as he's hurt me.

 

I think it's because I love him so much that i can't just leave, but at the same time i want to return the pain that he's brought to my life. Yes, sometimes he does make me happy. I don't want to give the impression that there is nothing good about this relationship, because there is.

 

I care about him more than i care about myself, i love him so much it hurts.

I don't want this to be the end of us

 

I don't know what i'll do if things between his new girl and him last. I want to have the chance to show him that i can change, i can learn to treat him better and show him how much i care. Now i am terrified that i already had my last chance, that he'll see that he is happier with the next girl and i will never be able to fix what i've done to him.

 

I will not move on no matter what anyone says in this forum, unless i absolutely have to. I know i'm being an idiot, but thats how i feel, its what i want. Please don't tell me to forget him and find someone else or just be single, I know this situation sounds really bad but you don't know the whole story, so please don't waste your time telling me he's not good enough and i can do much better for myself, i already know and understand this but its not what i want right now.

 

I would like advice on how to show him how sorry i am, how to show him that i really do care and support everything he does. I want him to realize how dedicated i am and how much i regret EVERYTHING bad i've done towards him. Please help me with this. I know theres a chance he may never take me back but i really just want to try.

[lapseinjudgement]

jeesh girl... You deserve better then someone that will cheat on you like that and sounds like hes got plenty of problems.

I know what your going through i was cheated on after a 4 year solid relationship. It hurts horribly but honestly you deserve so much better than that. Please just go NC and try to make yourself feel better take care of yourself and try not to look back to him...

He doesnt deserve you make him realize that.

[2900]

hey girl. wow...i totally feel your pain. i have no advice for you. but i do understand how u are feeling. i am in a similar boat. altho my bf has not cheated on me to the best of my knowledge...all my friends have been saying i need to leave him. but i can't bc i want him. bc i love him. and bc im a fool. so you're not alone. sucks balls doesn't it?

[redhearts]

Your 17, first love, first jerk he is not worth it. Show him that your a strong woman by leaving him alone and NEVER going back.

[Dragunov-21]

I pushed him away, insulted him, was a complete b*tch to him and i never listened to him or took interest in the things he loves to do. In fact i was such a jerk to him about everything. I told him i hated his artwork, that he was a crappy drawer, i told him he sucked at photography, i told him he wrote like a preschooler and i told him he was too damn stupid to make it through highschool, and he would never have a decent future. I get angry at him every day, and i try with everything i have to hurt him as much as he's hurt me.

 

Stupid question, I'm sure, but was this before or after he met this new girl?

[Kahdeksan]

You are completely LOST!! LOST girl, lost!

 

Do not presume to ask for advise when you are not willing to take them, it is just plain rude! I'm being brutally honest here and you NEED to get this into your cranium.

 

The people here are indeed wise and you're being stubborn as well as disrespectful of their great judgment and wisdom simply because you refuse to accept that this is a MASSIVE blow to your ego! Yes, I understand that you are hurt. Yes, I understand that you are angry, but you HAVE got to take a look at yourself! Right now, do you know what you'll look like to your ex if you keep trying to win him back?

 

Allow me to illustrate... picture you going to a party, and you meet a guy there. Yeah, he seems nice and all, but once you get to know him he seems a bit too desperate and eager to get into your pants. So you brush him off. After a while he comes up to you again, trying to ask for "you know what" and again you brush him off. He comes around the third time again, and this time you get pissed off and tell him where to go... And yet he refuses to back down, and comes for you... Furious you then decide to leave the party. BUT heck, he now insists on taking you home, trying to be courteous and all.

 

Get the picture? This guy at this party is you... does it not put you off, and would you not put your ex off if you acted all clingy and needy?

 

Your ego is singed, which is why you are dead set bent on getting back your ex and desperately trying to proof to him that you're better than his new found love! Don't be foolish and loose your dignity as well!

 

I WILL say no more...

[drewciouS281]

i dont even need to read the rest. i read the first paragraph and all i can say is DROP THAT LOSER!! you are way too young to being going through all that heart ache. this guy will never stop cheating on you and he knows it. you will always be second. please move on!

[Kahdeksan]

i dont even need to read the rest. i read the first paragraph and all i can say is DROP THAT LOSER!! you are way too young to being going through all that heart ache. this guy will never stop cheating on you and he knows it. you will always be second. please move on!

 

This is what most people read... but there is more that needs to be addressed in this post. Not only does her ex have problems but she does too... One is a cheater and the other emotionally abusive. Not the essential ingredients for a happy long lasting relationship.

[Dragunov-21]

*EDIT*Ok, I keep rereading the original post and it makes less and less sense every time, I'ma shut up til it's clarified.*EDIT

[Sick]

I know it seems rude to refuse one type of advice and ask for more but i really am tired of hearing people tell me that i deserve better, that it won't work, that i should move on, etc. But the truth is, i already know that i SHOULD move on, that i am SUPPOSED to be strong, take care of myself and stop taking all his crap. I understand this already, and every time i go into a forum i get the same advice: leave him and never look back. But i haven't made the choice to leave, I've decided i want to try and fix this because i know there is something left. I know part of him still wants me, but the other part just can't take the insults and emotional abuse anymore. I'm sorry if my thread appeared rude or ignorant in any way but i didn't come here expecting NOT to hear the same suggestions i have before, i was only trying to narrow my post down to the advice i really need right now, the things i don't understand, like how to FIX a relationship, not abolish it.

 

I also don't plan on being "clingy" and "needy" over the next little while while i try to sort out my emotions. We really did have something good at one time, i am trying to get that back. But once i started becoming depressed and taking it out on him, the cheating started. It's become a vicious circle that i want to smooth over and stop. We are both at fault for this and i know theres a chance it wont work out ever again, but i want to try before giving up and moving on completely.

[Sick]

Stupid question, I'm sure, but was this before or after he met this new girl?

 

a while before, he only met this new girl a few days ago

[bijoux27]

Experience is the best teacher. How far do you want to go to learn your lessons?

[Kahdeksan]

Fair point you make on getting the same advice from forum to forum, but you have to realize that the retelling of your story is quite evident on what and how things are outside of the box you're living in. You will NOT see it from our perspective, because you have not allowed yourself to see it from THIS perspective.

 

So, in one way all that should be reason enough for you to gauge how your relationship went wrong, and how you should not be doing what you're trying to be doing, winning your ex back.

 

See, we would be failing in our duty as members of this forum if we were to tell you to do what you're so desperately trying to do. Do you see where I'm coming from? Do you see why we have not told you to do what your heart tells you to do? All this is because it would be wrong guidance, and that's not the object of these forums... for if we were to tell you what you desired it would lead you to emotional suicide. That's what it would be... you'll be emotionally hurt, and it would be like suicide, setting yourself up for more intense hurt and disappointment.

 

If you want us to change our advise then you would be better off changing your story because that's the ONLY way you're gonna get a different answer.

 

Clearly there were a lot of issues that needed to be worked on in your relationship. Yes, as you said, there were times when you said it "WAS" wonderful and good. But see here, the operative word here being 'WAS' and that's a past tense... it's now gone. Yes, you may be able to work things out or iron certain issue out, but you CANNOT do these while ignoring and failing to acknowledge what YOUR problems were and ARE to this day!

 

You cannot move on by constantly keeping contact with him, because he'll be constantly ignoring you as you cling onto him... he'll push you further away the more you want him to work on what the relationship once was. Again, there's the past tense.

 

You need to see that you're the problem and to blame for this broken relationship not working out if you don't stop being clingy... do you see what I mean by this? You ARE wrecking every chance you may have at possibly making this work, if it is to work...

[Kahdeksan]

You didn't plan on being clingy and needy, I know, but this overwhelming urge within you just takes control of you IF YOU ALLOW it to... and that's what it is about. You not having the awareness to see that your own ability to control your actions and emotions are the problems associated in the fall out of this relationship. This is because you've failed to identify what your core issues are and where they stem from. They reside deep from within your childhood years.

 

These are associated with abandonment issues, absentee parents or other more serious abuses... and codependency issues.

[Puo]

If I may point one thing out - the fact that you are going to multiple forums asking for advice, and complaining that most of them, if not all, are giving coming to the same conclusions, proves that you aren't accepting what others are suggesting you do. Its nothing against you, but it is showing that maybe you have already made your choice in the matter - you're just looking for someone to agree with you on trying to get him back.

 

Kahdeksan's illustration perfectly shows that the more you push to fix things, the more you're pushing him away instead. You have to control your actions. Try not talking to him for a month. Yes, a month. See how you feel about things afterwards. And I'll warn you right now, the first few weeks will SUCK. But just because it will be hard to not contact him, doesn't mean that you can't do it. If you're feelings don't change, reevaluate your situation. Don't just go running after him again.

 

However, if they DO change, and you aren't so inclined to contact him, try another month. Continue doing this until you feel the COMPLETELY uncontrollable urge to contact him. And by that, I mean if you don't contact him you'll have a complete nervous breakdown/panic attack.

 

At least try this to make sure you have a clearer, more stable outlook on things. I'm sure right now your head is spinning, you constantly think about this. You gotta calm down, give yourself (and him) space to think things thru before any further actions are taken. What's a month in one's life? Not much. So don't consider it forever. But you'd be surprised how different things feel at the end of it.

[Sick]

You are right, and i agree that the fact that i am recieving similar responces no matter who i talk to, friends, family, people in forums, proabably means i should start listening to that advice, the advice i've heard so many times but don't wish to follow through with. I'm in a very difficult situation, and getting rid of this guy permanently is almost out of the question, which is why i wish to fix things between us other than ignore him and move on. Because if i moved on, that's what i would have to convince myself to do, just merely ignore him. The thing is, NC is out of the question because we see eachother every single day. I am still in highschool, and we share classes together, hang out with the same crowds, share the same friends and go to the same parties. Becoming "just friends" with him would seem like a decent solution, but that wouldn't leave me any time to recover and get over him, and it would cause me pain to be around him and know that are relationship is limited to only "friend status". I don't really know what to do about this, and although i didnt put this in my original post, its another reason why i want to fix our relationship, i just feel like i have very limited choices.

 

But thank you for all your advice, i know that under other circumstances taking up NC and forgetting him slowly would be the best choice for me. But with the way things are now, he's a part of my life whether i like it or not. I need to learn to live with having him around.

[Sick]

You didn't plan on being clingy and needy, I know, but this overwhelming urge within you just takes control of you IF YOU ALLOW it to... and that's what it is about. You not having the awareness to see that your own ability to control your actions and emotions are the problems associated in the fall out of this relationship. This is because you've failed to identify what your core issues are and where they stem from. They reside deep from within your childhood years.

 

These are associated with abandonment issues, absentee parents or other more serious abuses... and codependency issues.

 

This is what i am trying to do, I am trying to figure out my own emotional issues and at the same time i am taking a different approach to fixing things with my ex, instead of begging and pleading and crying and complaining to him i've tryed to appear understanding and accepting of his decision. The first day he broke up with me i lost it, and i pretty much reacted off of my emotions alone. But the past couple days i've been trying to control myself by pushing my emotions aside, being polite to his new gf and telling him how selfish i've been and that i hope we can stay friends and fix what i've messed up. I don't really want to be only friends with him, but i want to stay close to him until i can prove that i won't ever treat him the way i did before again. So i am really trying not to be clingy, and i try to give him space.

 

As for my own issues, i am slowly trying to sort them out through therapy and counciling and i have been for a couple weeks now. I know i still have a long ways to go though.

[Kahdeksan]

You are a SMART girl, and you do know better about the spicks and specks entangled in a post break up relationship, this is quite evident from your replies. You've simply chosen not to follow how harsh reality is as opposed to how you've fantasized about how your relationship once was.

 

The reality is you're in a world where everything was taken away from you, and you're reeling from the resentment and anger, the hurt and regret. Feeling that he, your ex, owes you closure and a deservedly second chance at making this work because of how much you've had to put yourself and your self worth into making this relationship work!

 

That can be extremely unhealthy as it will eat a hollow cavity from within your core self. Create space now and take him and the relationship off the pedestal to focus on yourself. Letting him go is your only way of finding closure. Letting go, is being in peace and by being in peace will you find closure.

 

If I say anymore we'll just be going around in circles... you're well equipped to deal with the post break up problems, and you have acknowledged your issues as well as his. Now comes the hard part of making this work for you and not him. You're the focus here, because if you don't focus on yourself you'll regret how much time you wasted on something that never was destined to sprout to anything more than an experience and a learning parabola.

 

I wish you well...

[atelis]

i hear it so often on these forums.......people who are abused and who abuse their partner, yet proclaiming their love for each other.

 

these people are confusing love with dependancy. love is not abusing your partner, love is not being abused, love is not wanting retribution or payback for hurt that your partner has caused you.

 

if you love someone you don't willfully seek to cause pain on that person, i don't care what excuses people make, but that is not love. when you and your boyfriend can understand the distinction and difference between dependancy and love, you will also find the solution to your relationship breakdown.

[drewciouS281]

ok so i read the WHOLE post as instructed by some peeps. lol. Thanks!!!

 

ok so hes a cheater and you feel its your fault. first off, you two are young and he is probably just sowing some of his wild oats. You being verbally abusive to him just gave him the extra push to cheat. he should have manned up and ended it before cheating and you should have womaned up ended it the first time. This is called puppy love and everyone things this is the love of thier life at that age.

 

You may need anger management. is there something going on with you or your family psychologically and i dont mean that in a rude way. Dont take full blame for him cheating cause nobody twisted his arm to do it. it was his decision. if he was unhappy by your remarks he could have just ended it but he chose the wrong path.

 

Now as for you wanting him back and telling us that you wont listen if we tell you not to, well whats the point here. were not going to give you advice thats going to make you happy, where going to give you the raw truth of the matter (or thats just me atleast). The more you beg for him the more he will feel he has control over you and will keep doing what he is doing. no offence hun but you two are DOOMED! it will never be the same. some people can be completely different with another partner but for the most part the same match will act the same with one another. Just let it go cause i GURANTEE from many years of experiance with situations like this. IT WONT WORK!

[Sick]

Thank you, i appreciate your advice a lot, and i just found out today that i have absolutely zero chances in getting him back as a boyfriend. He asked to come over to my house today and i let him, and one thing led to another and i ended up losing control of my emotions again and drilling him with questions as to why he left me, whether he would have left me if this new girl didnt exist, if he still had feelings for me... the list goes on.

 

I think i drove him crazy, to the point where he told me to shutup and he gave it to me straight. He told me everything he was feeling. He told me he never wanted to be with me again, he said he couldn't stand being a part of all my "misery" as he put it, he didn't ever want to give me another chance and he let me know that i had already been given my last chance and it was over permanently. He said he felt more for this new girl than he ever felt for me, he said he had NO feelings left for me, no attraction, no desire to be with me and he never felt love for me.

 

Well i was crushed but i kept asking him questions about all the things he had lied about. And then out of nowhere the f*cking jerk turned around as he was walking away and told me exactly what to do to get him back.

 

?????????

 

Completely contradicting himself he said there was still the slightest chance left and i asked him why he thought this and all he said was "well i can't really tell what the future will hold for us..."

 

I can't believe this. I can't f*cking believe it. Is he trying to screw with my emotions?

 

It's over. I realize it now but it doesnt make it any less easy. I cant go back to someone who's willing to do this to me, to crush me and then fill me with false hope. Thank you for your support.

[Sick]

ok so i read the WHOLE post as instructed by some peeps. lol. Thanks!!!

 

ok so hes a cheater and you feel its your fault. first off, you two are young and he is probably just sowing some of his wild oats. You being verbally abusive to him just gave him the extra push to cheat. he should have manned up and ended it before cheating and you should have womaned up ended it the first time. This is called puppy love and everyone things this is the love of thier life at that age.

 

I agree, i'm only a teenager and i'm not ready to be so attached to someone and i know i WILL eventually get over him. Realizing this doesn't make it feel easier though. I know exactly what i SHOULD do, what's expected of me to do, but i keep looking for alternatives and not really accepting that there IS NO better way to deal with this.

 

 

 

You may need anger management. is there something going on with you or your family psychologically and i dont mean that in a rude way. Dont take full blame for him cheating cause nobody twisted his arm to do it. it was his decision. if he was unhappy by your remarks he could have just ended it but he chose the wrong path.

 

I'm in therapy right now, and i'm working on my emotional problems. I do sometimes blame myself for his cheating because thats the way he makes i sound, as if i caused it. I know i shouldnt listen to him, but i asked him if he'd ever cheat on the new girl given the opportunity and he said no. I said to him "well, you cheated on me so what's the difference?" and he told me that his relationship with the new girl was different and he couldn't bring himself to hurt her and that when we were dating it didnt "feel" like we were a real couple which apparently made it ok for him... which is completely unreasonable.

 

Now as for you wanting him back and telling us that you wont listen if we tell you not to, well whats the point here. were not going to give you advice thats going to make you happy, where going to give you the raw truth of the matter (or thats just me atleast). The more you beg for him the more he will feel he has control over you and will keep doing what he is doing. no offence hun but you two are DOOMED! it will never be the same. some people can be completely different with another partner but for the most part the same match will act the same with one another. Just let it go cause i GURANTEE from many years of experiance with situations like this. IT WONT WORK!

 

I already tryed to explain why i wrote that and i apologize for it, it was probably a stupid request.

 

thanks for the advice (: