How Many has actually gotten back together with an ex after long NC

[friendlyfire]

Just wondering how many have actually gotten back together. Also after you/ex has dated others in between.

[coldplay.]

The problem is when that happens people tend not to come back to this forum! so how many actually happen, hard to tell, but there are some success stories from time to time.

 

But i know what your really asking, as long as the idea of you being together is still alive in your head, there is always a chance. Its how we deal with this 'chance' thats the difference

[Mythical_Suicide]

I am one of the "success" stories of long term NC. My fiance and I dated for awhile back in 03/04 broke up and I did strict contact for quite awhile after we broke up since neither one of us could just be "friends".

 

We both dated people in between, I got into a serious relationship and had a child. He contacted me to congratulate me on the birth of my son and we started talking again as friends we were both still in relationships with other people but the more we talked the more we realized we never got over each other. Both of us ended up ending things with the people we were in relationships with and started dating again in early 2007 he proposed to me earlier this year and we are set to be married January of 2009.

 

I still believe had we never gone strict NC for the time we did we would have never ended up back together. Things would have ended up going too bad.

[friendlyfire]

Great story mythical and congrats with the marriage. I wonder though, how did your ex know that you were giving birth? Did you guys have LC or did he find out by mutual friends?

[lapseinjudgement]

That is an encouraging post. Wish i could throw one in too but maybe someday.

[atelis]

it happens all the time friendly fire. obviously the circumstances surrounding the break-up can detrmine whether it will happen, but there are countless instances of break-upos and successful reconciliations. i guess the message is, don't put your life on hold forever waiting for it to happen

[ourdeepsleep]

my partner and i of three years broke up for five months, four months were NC. he was traveling around the country with a band, and after one month of being apart i just couldn't handle talking to him anymore, so i changed my phone number and went NC. NC was easy, because he was miles and miles away, i didn't even know where he was. after five months, he showed up at my door and we've been happier than ever since. (although it was very slow getting back together as i was seeing someone, but i knew where my heart really was)

 

sometimes time apart and NC is all you need to realise what it is you really love, but NC is a healing process for your mind and heart, so you can move on.

[friendlyfire]

sometimes time apart and NC is all you need to realise what it is you really love, but NC is a healing process for your mind and heart, so you can move on.

 

I'm worried the healing part is working for her. That really scares me

[love_stinks]

After months of NC, then a slow merging back into LC, I got a very telling email from my ex. Here's how it went down:

 

We broke up. She went to Europe for 2 months. We went NC immediately. While she was gone I started dating someone I felt much more compatible with. When she got back from Europe, she saw me with my new girl.

 

A few days later she asked a mutual friend if we were dating and found out that we were. A few months later, she came into a place I was working temporarily, not expecting to see me there. It was a little uncomfortable but we made petty chit chat for a few minutes. I could tell that she was a little upset still.

 

I think it was either that same night or the next when I got the telling email. It said that when she saw me she wanted to wrap her arms around me and hold me tight. She goes on to mention that I am the one, I always was, and I always will be. So I bet I could have reconciled with her then if I wanted to do.

 

But I was with someone else - someone else who is now sadly my most recent ex.

 

My screen name says it all.

[love_stinks]

I know I've posted this in other threads, but this quote from the movie Swingers hits the nail on the head:

 

That's the thing. Somehow they know not to come back until you've really forgotten . . .

[Mythical_Suicide]

Great story mythical and congrats with the marriage. I wonder though, how did your ex know that you were giving birth? Did you guys have LC or did he find out by mutual friends?

 

He found out through mutual friends.

[friendlyfire]

So thats all I guess huh. Looks like getting back with your ex isn't a very popular thing at all.

[Mayday11]

So thats all I guess huh. Looks like getting back with your ex isn't a very popular thing at all.

 

Huh? You can't form a conclusion based off of how many responses you get in a 24 hour period to a very specific question on a subforum aimed at people who are broken up.

 

I've seen plenty of reconciliations in my life. I've always viewed people getting back together as a normal part of love and relationships.

 

But your question specifically says "after long NC" and honestly, very rarely have I seen reconciliations happen after a long period of NC. The vast majority of them involved the two people engaging in a period of LC prior to reconciling. This LC was usually established after months of NC, either by the dumper or dumpee. NC is actually a completely terrible way of getting an ex back by itself (and is not even it's intended purpose, anyways).

 

That may be why you're not getting many responses to this question, because things don't usually work that way. Completely ignoring your ex until they "come crawling back" is about as successful as making them come back by buying them flowers and telling them you'll change.

 

But, if it helps, a coworker just married a guy that she was dumped by 10 years ago, with no communication between the two over those 10 years.

[Puo]

Exactly. NC, as it is stated on many websites (EXCEPT those scam e-books.) is to organize your own life and focus on YOURSELF. Both parties, no matter how angry one is at the other, are both way too emotional to make any rational decisions. That's why dumpers have so many excuses for breaking up, and dumpees freak out and contact their exes way too much trying to patch things up. NC is to rediscover yourself, and make your life better. It isn't easy, but it definitely works. If you saw me 3 months ago, you'd see me laying down on my living room floor staring at the ceiling. Now I'm looking for a career and finishing school. Not bad for NC, huh?

 

Truth of the matter is, we can't live with someone if we can't live with ourselves. It's something you have to experience to learn from and understand. Exes will let you know if they want you back.

 

I actually heard a story where a couple broke up years and years ago. The woman married a guy, had children. But the husband died early in his life. She and the ex started talking again. The ex hadn't married or dated for 26 years. They eventually got married, and still are today.

 

Now that story is an extreme example. I'm not saying wait 26 years lol. That wouldn't be smart. But if I were you, I'd just look for things that you want without your ex. You seriously never know what will happen in your life, in any aspect. Letting go doesn't mean just letting go of your ex. It means letting life take its course, and living your life how YOU want to. Don't worry, new people will always show up. : )

[Andy_2007]

That may be why you're not getting many responses to this question, because things don't usually work that way. Completely ignoring your ex until they "come crawling back" is about as successful as making them come back by buying them flowers and telling them you'll change.

 

Very astute observation mayday, and one that's rarely talked about on here.

 

We strongly advocate NC on this forum for the right reasons - healing, getting your own life back etc. etc. and NOT as a way to get the ex back.

 

But, you also have to bring up the fact that if someone does want to reconcile, then it's up to them to contact and not sit back. This is quite a tricky thing to deal with.

 

Take my situation. 15 months since break up, 10 months since last ever contact by email. I am pretty much healed now (yes...i'm sure some will think 'then why is he still posting on here?'...but I do so to try and help others through their own break ups and just because I like posting here and have accepted what happened.

 

Now, I could at this point contact her again via a light and friendly email (have no idea what her number is now) IF I wanted reconciliation. I'd say there's a good chance we'd enter into LC for a while and there would be a chance of us starting something new together.

 

However, I don't really want her back, so thereforee I do not do this.

 

But nor do I think she'll come crawling back... This is a very negative way of thinking, that if you stop to consider for a second...still means you're giving them control of the situation! Their decisions, not yours. Not good.

 

I'd say to anyone months and months after a break up: if you're at the point where you're like me and think you're over it and don't want to go through it all again...that's the point you can stop NC and go LC...which of course you won't want to for the above reasons.

 

Don't you just love paradoxes?

[Mayday11]

Exactly, Andy! You are a perfect example of someone who used NC for it's intended purposes. Like a lot of people, they moved on from the knee-jerk reaction of "I want them back!" and actually looked at the situation with a clear head. And you realized that the relationship wasn't what you thought it was.

 

You'll see lots of posts on here from people who describe rather terrible relationships that involved lots of fighting, lots of pettiness, strong incompatibilities...then ask how they can get the person back. It's apparent to everyone else in the world that the relationship wasn't that grand, but out of emotional pain and loneliness, the dumpee wants the dumper back. NC helps the dumpee get on the same page as everyone else and see the relationship for what it was.

 

On the other hand, after some serious thought and reflection, people may come to the opposite conclusion. They may believe the relationship was a good one and the end came due to circumstances that could be fixed permanently or would go away with time. In these cases, NC should be cast aside for LC.

 

NC for moving on and never going back to an ex has an extremely high success rate. NC for reconciliation has a dismal success rate.

[friendlyfire]

With my relationship, it wasn't that we had a bad relationship. It was just the situation that I and her were in that caused the break up. She didn't like the situation that I was in. And she suddenly suffered a bad situation as well. We didn't really fight other than some petty ones, and we were quite compatible. But alas, she went for someone else that's in a better situation than I am in. I know that I need to work on myself, but its hard to do when the person isn't there to get you through it. People say if its meant to be, then they will come back. But she and I don't really believe in that fate crap.

[Mayday11]

...

I also don't think anyone should beat themselves up if they "slip". I tried to contact my ex a few times after he broke up with me - I was devastated. And I KNOW you all would have advocated NC. But at least I can know I did all I could and I don't regret that. He never responded and it hurts, but I actually don't regret letting him know how much I love him.

Some of you may also say had I gone NC he might have come back. But I don't believe that. Sometimes NC just doesn't matter. If they love you, they will come back. If not, they won't. Meanwhile, live your life as if they are not. I think that is what you guys are trying to say?

 

Certainly, no one should beat themselves up for a slip here and there. It's human. For example, I knew that begging and pleading after a breakup never brings them back...but I still begged and pleaded when she broke up with me. Why? Because although I knew it wouldn't get her to come back, I felt I had to do it to show that I cared for the relationship and I was more than willing to work things out. Some people refer to begging and pleading as "doing all the wrong things". I personally think it's a very normal and human thing to do. And unless you're still doing it months after the breakup, I don't think it really hurts or helps your chances for reconciliation. As long as you know when to call it quits.

 

Same goes for contacting them. Unless your sending them a barrage of emails and phone calls, it's not going to fatally wound your chances of reconciliation to reach out every now and then.

 

It takes a lot more than a period of begging and pleading and a little contact here and there to ruin your chances of reconciliation.

[Mayday11]

With my relationship, it wasn't that we had a bad relationship. It was just the situation that I and her were in that caused the break up. She didn't like the situation that I was in. And she suddenly suffered a bad situation as well. We didn't really fight other than some petty ones, and we were quite compatible. But alas, she went for someone else that's in a better situation than I am in. I know that I need to work on myself, but its hard to do when the person isn't there to get you through it. People say if its meant to be, then they will come back. But she and I don't really believe in that fate crap.

 

Well, after you've worked on yourself and taken the time to get back on your feet, send her a short email or something. That is, if you're still interested in reconciliation at that point. Remember, though, the email is not intended to do anything to bring her back, but to simply open up a line of communication.

[friendlyfire]

Well, after you've worked on yourself and taken the time to get back on your feet, send her a short email or something. That is, if you're still interested in reconciliation at that point. Remember, though, the email is not intended to do anything to bring her back, but to simply open up a line of communication.

 

Yea, you're pretty good at this mayday. I do realize that NC is a good way to work on oneself. It'll take some time for me to get on me feet, I just don't want it to be too late when I do, Nor do I want to be complete strangers by the time I am doing ok.

[Mayday11]

Yea, you're pretty good at this mayday. I do realize that NC is a good way to work on oneself. It'll take some time for me to get on me feet, I just don't want it to be too late when I do, Nor do I want to be complete strangers by the time I am doing ok.

 

Time is your "tough love" friend here. Reconciliations are not a race. In fact, I don't think you could say people try to reconcile too slowly. The big danger is trying to do it too quickly.

 

I doubt you'll be complete strangers, too. Sure, people can change. They can change what kind of music they like, what sort of clothes they wear, what sort of food they eat, etc. But what hardly ever changes is the person's personality, their goals in life, etc.. Basically, the fundamentals that make a person up are usually set in stone. They can change their habits, but not their character. I'm sure you could meet your ex after 20 years of NC and still know exactly how to make her laugh and read her body language, for example.

[friendlyfire]

I'm not saying too late in which to reconcile with her, I hope its not too late in which she becomes very committed to the person she is with now. She is going through a very rough time in her life. I hope she associates this rough time with him (really bad way to think I know). I wish I could help her in this time of need, but I'm going through some rough times as well.

 

I also hope that she knows that I still love her. When she broke up with me I kinda just let her do it without begging or fighting for her back. I told her that I understood that she needed to be happy and I told her that all I wanted for her to be happy.

[love_stinks]

Yea, you're pretty good at this mayday. I do realize that NC is a good way to work on oneself. It'll take some time for me to get on me feet, I just don't want it to be too late when I do, Nor do I want to be complete strangers by the time I am doing ok.

 

There's the rub. You have to really not care whether or not they come back. As I tell friends, "I'm striving for impartiality." I think NC is great as a means to this end.

 

A person can only care so much for so long until they finally tire of it.

 

I can't wait to be there!

[Dani0613]

My situation definitely sucked and now I'm going NC to get 'me' back and heal. Long story short, my gf of 1.5 years broke up with me about 4 months ago, after the death of her step father. She said she needed to be alone, didnt want to be in love anymore, wasn't in love anymore, didnt want to be in a relationship, etc etc. She also told me that we could try again when she was ready, but to not wait for her. Suffice it to say, I TRIED to maintain LC with her as her friend because she told me that all she could offer me was friendship. Did I allude to getting back together? Of course I did. Was it the wisest thing to do? Probably not because it's not where her head or heart is at.

 

Fast forward to the last few weeks. She's told me that she knows I deserve so much more, that I'm a great catch, she'll never find someone like me, that she loves me, but that we'll both end up with someone else. HUH?? So, I tell her not to call me until she's ready to have a relationship and she says, 'ok'. What?? Makes absolutely no sense at all and she really had no justifiable reason for us to have broken up other than she wasnt happy being in a relationship and it stressed her out. Believe me when I tell you that Im the most passive person and allowed her to live her life however she wanted, so the fact that it 'stressed her out' was definitely a personal problem of hers.

 

I've had to go NC because I can't deal with her see sawing emotions or the idea of her ever being with someone else after me. Plus, I know if we are EVER to reconcile, it would have to be after we've both been out of each other's lives for a bit. I won't allow myself to get friendzoned, I'm worth more than that after the relationship she and I had.

[Andy_2007]

Exactly, Andy! You are a perfect example of someone who used NC for it's intended purposes. Like a lot of people, they moved on from the knee-jerk reaction of "I want them back!" and actually looked at the situation with a clear head. And you realized that the relationship wasn't what you thought it was.

 

I think that's the thing I'd try to drum into anyone freshly out of a relationship and worried about going NC!

 

I look back on our relationship now and there was a lot that was good about but a lot that was bad as well.

 

I'll freely confess to thinking about contacting her to see how she is. I shared my life with this person for five years and I'd like to think she was happy and doing ok.

 

Obviously I've not done this to this point for fear of hearing things about her new relationship etc. and being knocked back to square one. These days I no longer have that fear, so at some point I may send her a mail. I don't particularly wish to enter into a friendship with her, but it'd be nice to know how she's doing.

 

Of course another reason why I may not have contacted her is a fear of her wanting some kind of reconciliation! I don't know how I'd react to that now and that still prevents me from getting in touch.

 

You know what, as I write this, I think that I know I'd never want to get back together with her if she hasn't changed as a person, but if she had? I really don't know...hmmm....interesting