Words of wisdom needed!

[nmarchildon]

this is my situation this morning. I have been with my boyfriend for the past 8 months and we have a lot of love and respect for each other. yeasterday we talked for a while during lunch. we are planning a trip together and are leaving for a year on the 10 th of feb for asia and australia. we talked about how he has been hurt in the past, and how he is not ready to commit himself fully to me. he loves me 100% but he does not want to lose his freedom and get hurt by giving himself completley to me. i love him to death and come from a different background so... all i want to do is become one with this man and love him forever. He is not ready at all for that. to me though its like there is no middle. its either its all the way, or we just become friends. i dont want to get hurt in the end. and i love him so much that if he needs to live certain things, especially in this trip well then live them. i want him to grow and learn. i dont want me to block him. its like he has built a wall against me and my love just to not get hurt again. he is such a patient, and trustful person though. its just hard for me to keep on going at his level of things when i want more. i dont exactly know what to do. we are going to talk some more.... should i just tell him that we should be friends... its not what we want .... but in a way we can,t give each other what we want. do i let time settle the score. its so hard not to be with this person. to me it just sounds crazy that two people can love each other but not want the same things out of love. i really dont know what to do. i need strenght, to be stronger and to get through this. i want to support him. but there is me in all of this two. its like i would just give up anything to start a life with this one person. and he wants his freedom to be able to do what he wants. (and i dont mean with other girls.) he will be faithful to me. i mean, if he wants to go somewhere for a month... he will go, but me i will miss out to be with him. its just not fair. im only 20 but i just want to be with him. thats what i want from life right now. but its not mutal in the same way. he wants to be with me. but he doesnt see us as one, like i do and want him to.

please help

nat

[JSHRN]

What you need to realize here is that he also may get hurt and that is what he is trying to prevent from happening. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or that he wants to see other people (you've mentioned that's not what he wants. However, after 8 months of being together it appears that the two of you are not on the same page in this relationship. You talk about things but have you gotten to the core of the "problem" here?

 

He is not ready at all for that. to me though its like there is no middle. its either its all the way, or we just become friends. i dont want to get hurt in the end

 

Both of you seem like strong-willed people but relationships need to have some sort of compromise. I don't mean giving in to the other person. I mean accepting the person for who they are and what their beliefs are - and not trying to change them into someone you want them to be.

 

should i just tell him that we should be friends... its not what we want

 

There is no middle ground here. Either you continue the relationship or you break it off and remain friends. Hanging on the fence is not going to resolve this situation. If you can't give each other what you want then I think you have your answer about what to do. Maybe being away together for a year will be a good thing and will strengthen your relationship, helping to open up communication between you.

 

its like he has built a wall against me and my love just to not get hurt again. he is such a patient, and trustful person though

 

I don' think the "wall" is personally against you. I think he doesn't want to get hurt again by anyone and this is his way of protecting his heart.

 

its just hard for me to keep on going at his level of things when i want more

 

Right now, he is not able (or willing) to give you more. You mention that he wants his freedom to be able to do what he wants and go where he wants - you can't change that. If you pressure him now you will just push him away. I realize how difficult this must be for you but he is not ready to fully commit to you. I know how much you want to be with him but right now all you can do is support him and give him time.

 

Good Luck.

 

JSHRN

[humanoidcontent]

Hi. I must say that you must sit and talk with him, but not about breaking up. Tell him that yu love him and that he knows that. He must be hurting just as bad inside now than if you two were to break up. Tell him that you wish that he could trust you, its been 8 months. The key thing here is trust, you've gotta make him understnad that he can trust you and that you won't leave him. If you can get this accross, then your homefree, even if he gives in, take it slow slow slow. You love him and so you must try.

 

0X