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So I've been doing very well at moving on. I've been on a date (unfortunately with a guy who turned out to be a TOTAL creep) and am currently interested in a guy I've known for a few years who I ironically have class with at my college.

It seems that every time I see a cute boy or have the nerve to flirt with someone just a little, my ex pops up. He texts or messages or comments or calls EVERY time something good, relationship wise, happens in my life. Last night the guy I'm interested in asked me out on a date, and I get home from class the next day and there is a shiny little "lets do lunch" comment waiting for me.

Why won't he let me be? I am civil with him out of respect and love for him because what we had was awesome but it's not what I have or want anymore. It's obviously not what he wanted anymore either. Should I tell him to bug off so I can continue with my life?

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Why won't he let me be?
Because you haven't told him to bug off.

 

Should I tell him to bug off so I can continue with my life?
Yes.

 

You have control over this situation, so why are you posing the questions as if you don't? You have a choice to ignore his attempts at contact. So why are you bothered? Because you're not completely over him and you don't want to ignore him or stop him because you're afraid he will completely leave and thus you lose him as an option in the future.

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He's likely to be bugging you and because he has not found anybody else yet. Once they meet someone, the bugging stops...

 

And he can only pester you, if you allow him to pester you.

You can always change your number, if his contact 'bugs' you that much....and you would, if it 'bugged' you that much.

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That's just the thing...

he has a girlfriend! He was very insistent that we remain friends when we broke up and I told him that was fine. But as for him and I EVER getting back together it won't happen. I've realized how much more I deserve in a relationship and he won't ever be giving enough for me. I gave and gave and gave and never received. We don't work anymore and that's that.

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It still doesn't change the fact that YOU are in control of this situation. You agreed to remain friends. All he's texted you was to do lunch. That seems like a thing you would do with a friend.

 

I'm having trouble understanding what your issue is here. I suspect because you don't really know yourself. Do you or don't you want him in your life? If you don't, you can choose to go NC and ignore any attempts at contact. If you do, then I don't understand the problem with him asking you to do lunch. That doesn't necessarily mean he's trying to win you back. On the one hand you say you will never get back together with him, but at the same time, it bugs you that he's contacting you at all?

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It's kinda tough to have someone in your life, but in the distance. Especially when you guys were once in a relationship.

 

I'd say the best distance is NC. Focus on yourself first before getting friendly with your ex. You owe that at least to yourself and your new possible relationships.

 

Friends with ex's rarely works though. It's not good trying to balance a past partner and meeting new ones. It has the potential of causing tension between the two.

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You also said, that your ex seems to show up whenever someone else will show an interest in you. And so?? Why should the fact that your ex will call, interfere with other opportunities that may be coming your way? You don't have to let it interfere...you can just block his calls and carry on dating these other guys. He has a new gf, so you are not his 'top priority'....so don't make him yours. Make the guys who are showing a 'real' interest, your 'top priority'...

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Ok. Clearly y'all are misunderstanding the situation.

It is IRONIC that every time I talk to some one new or get asked out on a date my ex contacts me. It's pure IRONY.

Yes, it's ironic. But the last paragraph of your original post also indicates that you are unhappy about the ex contacting you at these times. What's being misunderstood?
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I know how you feel, Catlady. It does seem on here like a majority of people's ex's have contacted them again at some point - except for a small handful of us. It is more devastating to never hear from them again, I think. I hope you meet someone special ....

 

I never heard from my ex again before this one. I healed much quicker. My current ex situation is a bit of a mess really, so so much harder to remain in contact and get nothing but empty words. I only do it because of what happened to us last year and i believe that caused the break up, and im going to stay in the picture just enough to see what happens and if she does have post-partum depression or whatever its called. But as Superdave says, im still moving on, but i will let her catch up if she wants to providing i havent crossed the finish line.

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Yeah...i agree misskitty...i know that everybody has a right to post..and everybody has a right to refrain from commenting...

 

I just want to say,not to offend, but to express what i felt reading the OP's problem..that it sounded like a luxury problem to me..Like being at weight watchers trying to loose 100 pounds,and the skinny girl next to you is whining about the hard time she has with the 5 pounds she wants to loose and how fat she feels..

 

Might be wrong with the example..but thats what i felt..

 

But she just wanted to vent i guess..that her ex is bugging her at the exact time she's with someone else...in response..yeah that happens sometimes.. you can read more threads about that fact..

I have an ex-ex that always makes sure he's the first to wish me happy birthday or send me valentine wishes. But i was the dumper there--never happened with me being the dumpee..i can tell you

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Also misskitty, don't forget that this is a very biased forum, and it seems like the majority of active users come from the getting back together forum. Obviously, people in a getting back together forum are going to have more contact with their ex for better or worse than the average.

 

So while it seems that way, that most couple stay in touch and that many try to reconcile - look at the bigger picture - look at the divorce rates in the US for first and second marriages. I'd say that NOT being in a lasting relationship is more of a norm than reconciliation.

 

Its all about perspective, I keep reminding myself, but its hard, I know, I'm there.

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Its not necessarily a good thing if your ex contacts you. There were definitely times I wish my ex did contact me but when he did - nothing had changed. And it was like being hurt ALL OVER AGAIN. If anything, he just wanted to say hi and see how I was doing. For me though, I took it as a sign that maybe there was hope, another chance, etc. but it wasn't and it was like just twisting the knife deeper. If anything, I wish he hadn't so I wouldn't go through the process of having hope, only to be shot down.

 

So in a way, if your ex hasn't ever contacted you, be grateful. You will heal much faster.

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...

I respectfully disagree. It makes you feel like they couldn't care less and that you meant nothing to them.

 

I see where you come from on this point, but you eventually form a resentment towards them because of it. It makes you face reality a lot faster than if you sat around thinking "What does it mean they don't care about me? Is it me? Maybe I did something to push them away..."

 

The faster you go through the stage of hating them, the quicker you get to the realization of learning to be indifferent.

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Personally, minimal contact would not have helped me heal. Having contact with my ex after we broke up made me see how pitiful of a boyfriend he really was. It revealed his selfishness and his flat out flaws. I believe I would have stayed in love with him had all of these things not been revealed to me.

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