Found my dream girl: and I'm afraid to commit!?

[TheLonelyPoet]

"What bothers me, is that I'm afraid of falling for her... and becoming a couple is a firm step in such direction. I'm afraid of being vulnerable (as in: falling in love) - letting my guard down and opening myself like that to a potential of getting seriously hurt."

 

This might sound strange to many, but I think I started to legitimately fear life when it seems to go on the right path. When things seem “too perfect.”

 

I’ll try to be concise, but there is a lot to explain... so I'll put the background info in italics, skip it if you wish.

 

About 2 years ago, I got out of a serious relationship. Long story short, for about a year it was a textbook relationship, but then she became fickle and my feelings grew stronger. However, she (my ex) continued to lead me on until she found someone better. And then finally dropped me.

 

Considering I was only 19 when she broke my heart, it hit me too hard. I probably shouldn’t have been so attached at my young age… but I was. I lost weight, messed up on my senior HS grades and SAT’s… turned from a social-butterfly into a half loner; lost all contact with at least a half of my friends. My parents wanted me to go to a shrink; it was bad.

 

The two years that followed were strange. I never gave up on women, but I became cynical and defensive. I felt that I didn’t want to get attached, not ever…. or at least not until I am old and experienced enough not to get hurt again. The first year I avoided getting close to girls altogether; purposely it seems I went for unattainable targets and burned bridges (one way or another) to all that were within reach. On the second year, I started to recover. I belatedly entered a university and saw parts of my “old self” coming back to life. During the last four month or so, I actually began to consider getting into a [casual] relationship and started seeking them out with little success. I was however not planning “love” … after almost two years alone I simply wanted someone to have fun with and care for.

 

Then two weeks ago, enters “X” and she seems by all means to be too good to be true. In all aspects, she seems a gift from heaven. I still can’t believe how compatible we are. We share taste in so many things, like foreign film, opera, fine dining, clothes, travelling…

 

And not to mention she is both exceedingly intelligent and beautiful.

 

I met her two weeks ago, and we could not get enough of each other since then… spending almost every day together. It was probably the best two weeks I had in the last two years.

 

So what’s the problem? “What goes up must come down” and I am terrified of the idea.

 

She seems very much into me and today started to hint that we should have a talk and figure out if we want to ummm…. Officially become a couple? (I don’t know how to word that).

 

And while I should be in 7th heaven… I’m afraid. I’m afraid of getting attached, getting hurt, getting replaced. While I’m not in love with her yet and can control myself… I just know there is no way I can keep it casual with this girl. It is bound to happen, if I stick around I will fall in love.

 

And once again, I am tempted to burn that bridge and repeat the cycle. And yet, at the same time she seems so perfect… so unlike all the others. How could I possibly just walk away from this gift of fate? You see, to me both staying and going seems bad in the end. What do you guys think?

[Caterina]

I DON'T BLAME YOU. You met her two weeks ago. You're moving too fast and that is never good. She is obviously not perfect b/c she's a freak who is getting overly emotionally into you before even getting to know you. Just my personal opinion.

 

From my experience, this shows a lack of discipline and these fast and heavy see you every day and only knew each other for two weeks, fizzle eventually.

[Nixee]

You are most definitely not alone in this feeling. Fear and love, love and fear.

 

I've been in love with someone who fears love for awhile.

 

You can hold back until you are ready... sure, you can do that.

 

But here's the thing: the great rewards will NEVER come without the risk. Period. People who find great love.... they always have to keep getting back on that bike and riding.

[Nixee]

Caterina does have point though... if you are feeling apprehensive, yet you DO like her and want to continue with her, maybe be a couple... why not continue, but just go a bit slower. Don't see her EVERY day, but just a couple times a week?

[Caterina]

"Love has no fear"- proverb that I believe.

 

I agree about risk, though.

[TheLonelyPoet]

Thanks for responding.

 

The fact that we spent so much time together doesn't really bother me, because we are now limiting ourselves to a few nights a week. We actually joked how we are really bad for each others work, and need to cool down or quit academia.

 

What bothers me more, is that I'm afraid of falling for her... and becoming a couple is a firm step in such direction. I'm afraid of being vulnerable (as in: falling in love) - letting my guard down and opening myself like that to a potential of getting seriously hurt.

 

And what I think makes this potential for getting hurt possible is, for one, the fact that she is absolutely beautiful. Now I know, I know... beauty in the eye of a beholder and all that. But let me put it this way: when we walk down a street, or through a train I see guy's heads turning everywhere! I actually saw a car of guys slow down to look at her the other day.

 

Naturally, she is used to this attention and doesn't think much of it. But it kinda freaks me out, I never dated a girl this good looking before.

 

And naturally, with this attention comes an array of suitors, which she tells me not to worry about... but I kinda do. I mean what if sooner or later she will actually like one of them more than me?

 

I don't know... I feel like I have issues, but I really want to give this a try as well.

[Nixee]

Well... you have two options then.

 

Be too afraid of pain, and let her go... possibly to watch some other guy (possibly some other guy ...maybe less attractive than you even, but simply more confident), pick her up and take a chance on her and make things work while you stay alone with your issues.

 

Or.... you take the risk... move at the pace that is comfortable for you, accept that YES, relationships do come with a risk of pain... but hey, they also come with a chance of huge great things.... and that is exactly why you still have that urge to give things a try.

 

 

Even if things didn't work out picture perfect for the two of you forever (because you just can't guarantee that at this point)... at this point, feeling excited about her, if you were to just walk away, do you think you would feel better about saving yourself from potential pain, or would you spend more time regretting the thing that you did not do?

[Caterina]

I agree with Nixee.

 

Side topic that is'nt really related to this one: why is it that how goodlooking she is is so tied in to how much you could potentially love her?

[TheLonelyPoet]

Side topic that is'nt really related to this one: why is it that how goodlooking she is is so tied in to how much you could potentially love her?

 

The two are not really related. I guess I'm just insecure...

 

In a way I feel like I'm not good enough for this, that's the thing. And it feels sort of like this: "I know she can do better, now when will SHE figure it out?"

 

And yeah, I'd rather not be in love with another person to leave me for someone else.......

[Nixee]

Its pretty unfair of you to assume that she will leave you for someone else JUST based on her good looks. She cannot help how she looks. How good she looks does not make her a disloyal person.

 

To me it sounds like you are using this as another reason... or excuse to hold you back from taking a risk. Of COURSE there is always a chance of someone you are with leaving you for someone else. This happened to me actually. And my ex was good looking... but not like he was Brad Pitt or anything.... and the woman he left me for certainly wasn't Angie Jolie. It just happens sometimes... no matter the looks. Do I let it stop me from ever bothering to try again? Nah.

[TheLonelyPoet]

Thanks Nixee, I agree with a lot of the stuff you said. I feel like I want to give this a try, and now I will.

 

However, at the same time, the idea of letting my guard down and letting someone into my heart again is very frightening.

 

Also, I'm no shrink, but I think I might have some trust issues and self-esteem issues.

 

Should I let her know about all of this? I think she already can tell sometimes that I'm holding something back from her.

 

I just want to be fair and let her know what she is getting into, but at the same time I don't want to scare her away with unnecessary drama.

[Nixee]

Well don't be unnecessarily dramatic... no need for that. But sure... if you feel a little scared or unsure, I think it is ok to give her a clue as to what is going on with you. That is fair to her. If she is close to you, chances are she is going to get a feeling something is up anyways, so it is usually best to level with people.