I don't get it...

[degrl23]

I a 26 year old female and I am new to the boards and I have a feeling I have answered my own question, but since I tend to over analyze situations I was hoping for any feedback regarding this situation. (I apologize in advance for the lengthy-ness)

 

I met this guy in high school. He was 2 years behind me and based on stories from friends, we definitely liked one another, but I was dating someone and nothing came of the relationship. 2 years ago we found each other on one of those social networking sites and began reconnecting (ie how are you? what have you been doing? etc). About 4 months ago we started text messaging about 4 or 5 times a week. Flirting, joking and generally keeping everything light hearted. After a month of this he asked me out to the movies. We had a great time and chit chatted for 2 hours afterwards and made plans to see one another again. We saw each other the following week for dinner. Things did get physical, 2nd base. We then hung out the following week at his place, it was a Sunday afternoon and we were both pooped/sloth-like so we watched some movies and sports and this time got to 3rd base. He was very affectionate before and after the days events. He even made the comment about me "abandoning" him when I told him I had to leave and get some of my things done. The following weekend I told him I had plans to go away for the weekend to visit family out of state. Long story, but I was leaving around 1am and he had said that he wanted me to come by and hang out before I left. I told him if I finished what I needed to do I would stop by. Well I showed up for what i thought was just going to be him, but it was all of his really good friends. They were all having a good time drinking and carrying on. I am not much of a "partier" (asian alcohol flush victim lol) so I was a little shocked. He introduced me to everyone, his really good friends introduced themselves and made comments like "I see you are the girl interested in my friend here" and "He has said a lot about you". This guy has never been much for PDA, but he put his arm around me in front of everyone, gave me a peck on the forehead and we chit chatted with his friends for a little bit until he was oh so smooth and invited me upstairs to help him pick out a new shirt, he had spilled some of his drink on himself. We ended up sleeping together that night. When I had to leave he was ready to pass out, but when he woke up 3 hours later he sent me numerous texts asking if I was ok, if he had been rude for being sleepy etc. I responded the next morning and told him that he needed to be more careful as he had left a hickey on my collar bone and that I was ok. He made a point of asking if I was ok again and we made plans for the following week.

 

That next week I had a really bad day at work and instead of going out for dinner I asked if we could just order in. We did end up sleeping together again and then watching tv while eating until about 11pm. He was very cuddly (something he told me previously he only does with those he really likes, other girls he just tries to leave asap) even when I pulled away to give him space. When I had to leave he gave me a really long hug and we made plans to do something the following week.

 

In my mind things were going really well. I had met his friends, something I have been told guys don't do unless the girl is "girlfriend material" or a "major hottie", and we talked almost everyday.

 

Here is where I messed up/things went bad. That following week we were both exhausted. I had volunteered the night before with the USO and he had class (he is getting his MBA) and a long day at work. We both decided that we would grab dinner and then he could help me with a project I was working on for work. We ended up talking about things and cuddling for an hour and then sleeping together. He put in a movie (a chick flick) and then proceeded to pull me over to cuddle with him. When the movie ended he and I decided that we both had work to do and ordered food. I started on my thing, he started on his school stuff. After 30 minutes I saw he was a non-work related website and I assumed that meant he was done. I started talking to him but he was only half-paying attention to me. I told him if he was busy I could go. He said he wanted me to hang around. So I flipped around on the tv and found a movie. I made a few comments hoping he would pay more attention to me and when he didn't I admit, I became a brat.

 

He and I had not yet had any kind of talk implying we were friends with benefits or dating and really wanted to know if he liked me as more than a friend or not. Since he was busy online looking for a new gadget, I took that as rejection. I ideally wanted to work towards a bf/gf relationship and saw that as him just wanting FWB. As a result I said I had to go. He said "ok" and when I had all of my things together I said "Ok time to go" he either didn;t hear me or was too busy staring at the tv, or both and didn't respond. I got more upset and turned and walked out of his room. I started down the stairs and he quickly came after me. I got out of the front door and I don't even remember if I said goodbye. He said "ummm ok well bye?" and I was in my car at that point. I had wanted him to say he was sorry for ignoring me, or at least be like hey where are you going without saying bye, but I realize I didn't give him much of a chance.

 

Anyway, I get in the car and get onto the highway and the brat in me decided to call him to see what had gone on. I asked him what was up. He said nothing was wrong. I told him he wasn't as affectionate as he was the previous week and decided to do his own thing instead of at least talking to me or telling me that he had things to do. He then told me that the same couldbe asked of me. I changed my behavior and was unapproachable. I told him that was because I had no idea where I stood and felt rejected by his actions. I told him I was sorry I overreacted and he said he was sorry he hurt my feelings. I then asked him what we were doing. He didn't seem to want to assnwer the question, but I was in full on brat mode and asked anyway. He said that since he had started school and was working he was hesitant to start a relationship because in the past he always ends up in fights about not being able to see one another enough. I told him that I wasn't asking for all of his time. I know he has his friends, and I have my volunteering and work and my friends. He made the comment "Like the USO is such a chore for you". Then somehow we got onto the subject of the movie we had previously discussed seeing that weekend. We made plans to go on Sunday, and he said he would call me after he got off work the next day. I said that I was going to be at a conference and not sure when it would be done, so he said for me to call him whenever I was done.

The next day came(weds). I called him and there was no answer. I tried him 2 hours later and left a voicemail saying I was going out with friends, so if I didn't pick up, just send me a text and I'd call him as soon as I could. The night came and went, and he hadn't responded. I sent him a very light-hearted text saying that he was too young for a medic alert bracelet so if he was trapped under something heavy hopefully his room mate would get home soon and if not, to call me the next day as I was going to bed. The next day come, still nothing. I didn't contact him in any way either. I decided that Saturday had been long enough if he was still angry with me to cool off. I called once, no answer. I didn't leave a message.

After speaking with numerous male and female friends we concluded that sending him an email asking what the heck happened wasn't out of the ordinary. I wrote something that was very light and friendly. There was no hint that I was angry, just something along the lines of "hey, i hope things are ok with us at least on the friendship level since that is what we were to start with. I didn't mean to imply I was looking for a committed relationship. I guess the stress from things going on in my life (buying a home, best friend going through divorce, and close friends mother being diagnosed with terminal cancer) made me look for some kind of confidence booster and that I was sorry for implying anything more than I meant and that he could email or text me to let me know that "we" were ok (on the friends level) and to tell me how he was". I sent this late Friday afternoon. There has been no reply and I know he has read it.

 

I think that either a) he was scared off by my bratty moment and doesn't want a relationship so instead of trying to end things like an adult, ignoring me will give me the "hint" and he doesn't have to deal with the sitaution. b) he does like me, but what he said about having time for one another being an issue is a concern and my brattiness/discussion of a relationship scared him off or c) he is just a jerk. I am rather sure it is a or c but I am really hoping that its b.

 

Thoughts?

[Batya33]

I think that you took the risk that he wanted a casual arrangement - casual dating and/or casual sex by having sex with him early on and before talking about where things stood. I also think you had expectations about how affectionate he would be based on very little information - only a few dates where he was affectionate with you - that's not a pattern.

 

I agree that he is not being direct and saying "I don't want a relationship with you" but instead coming up with excuses. I think you were indirect in telling him you didn't want a relationship because it sounded like you did. Of course I understand why you would tell him that - why be vulnerable with someone who is not interested in a relationship with you. Just observing....

 

I don't know that you acted like a "brat" but I am confused as to why you describe yourself that way - and if you think you act like a brat, why do you choose to act that way? Again, I can't say whether indeed you acted bratty, but you seemed to think you did and you seem to accept it as a given rather than a matter of choice.

[degrl23]

I agree, I screwed up. I got attached when i was trying not to. What I meant by being a brat was that I immediately shut down at the first sign of rejection in hopes he would then reassure me that I was not being rejected.

 

To sum things up I dated a guy for 7 years. He ended up being very abusive and left my self esteem almost non existant. The next serious relationship was a roller coaster of hot and cold that ultimately ended up in the guy choosing someone over me. Also I have issues with my parents as my mom stopped being a mom when I was 3, so again as a result, whenever I feel rejected I become a brat so to speak and shut down before I can let them shut down on me. Its a defense mechanism that i try my hardest to fight as I know it never works out well.

 

The guy and I never discussed what we wanted from each other. That was a mistake we can both take the blame for. However, I feel that had I not immediately jumped to the conclusion I was being rejected and just let things happen but kept my guard up that he wasn't as invested as I was and let nature take its course as things may have turned out for the positive. I know they might not have, but at least I wouldn't have been so easily able to find fault with my actions.

[degrl23]

Oh and one more thing. While I have no intention on trying to contact him again. I did my part in apologizing for my behavior, giving him a week of space and then sending that email, why does he have to be so immature and just ignore me?

 

I mean sure maybe he doesn't want to deal with any possible drama, but seriously, why ask me to call him and then avoid my call. That takes too much effort opposed to just saying he would call me and then never doing it. But that's just my opinion.

[Caterina]

I think he liked you. I think you slept with him too soon. When you sleep with a guy and he hasn't verbalized commitment, not to piss anyone off with the truth that comes from my own personal experiences---- he starts to slack off and when you demand that he act like a boyfriend--- he pulls what this guy did. He was interested, now he isn't. Bing. bang. Boom. Time to move on. Ignore him if he contacts you, thats my advice.

 

It wasn't b/c you acted like a brat, b/c you didn't. You had a normal reaction to the situation.

[Caterina]

Oh and one more thing. While I have no intention on trying to contact him again. I did my part in apologizing for my behavior, giving him a week of space and then sending that email, why does he have to be so immature and just ignore me?

 

I mean sure maybe he doesn't want to deal with any possible drama, but seriously, why ask me to call him and then avoid my call. That takes too much effort opposed to just saying he would call me and then never doing it. But that's just my opinion.

 

Good, don't. Don't expect him to contact you either. He might, but who cares--- look at what he's done. You don't want that. Next! if ya know what I mean.

[degrl23]

I think he liked you. I think you slept with him too soon. When you sleep with a guy and he hasn't verbalized commitment, not to piss anyone off with the truth that comes from my own personal experiences---- he starts to slack off and when you demand that he act like a boyfriend--- he pulls what this guy did. He was interested, now he isn't. Bing. bang. Boom. Time to move on. Ignore him if he contacts you, thats my advice.

 

It wasn't b/c you acted like a brat, b/c you didn't. You had a normal reaction to the situation.

 

Yeah, I agree I probably did sleep with him too soon. I am NOT going to reach out to him anymore and he will have to do quite a bit to get my attention again IF he even does come back, but I guess I am just so upset about the situation for 2 reasons, 1) yeah I do really like the guy and 2) there was no closure. Did I want a drag out argument, no. Did I want drama, no. I just wanted a "hey, yeah I am just not into being more than friends" or something and I could have said "cool" and then dealt with things on my own knowing that it just wasn't there.

 

Obviously his actions tell me he is no longer interested but IMO the whole falling off the planet approach is far more unclear.

[Caterina]

Yeah, I agree I probably did sleep with him too soon. I am NOT going to reach out to him anymore and he will have to do quite a bit to get my attention again IF he even does come back, but I guess I am just so upset about the situation for 2 reasons, 1) yeah I do really like the guy and 2) there was no closure. Did I want a drag out argument, no. Did I want drama, no. I just wanted a "hey, yeah I am just not into being more than friends" or something and I could have said "cool" and then dealt with things on my own knowing that it just wasn't there.

 

Obviously his actions tell me he is no longer interested but IMO the whole falling off the planet approach is far more unclear.

 

He was unclear b/c he was confused. But confusion is not what you want anyways. He wanted you, but now its not the same thing as it was. You seem to be fairly objective, which is weird since most women I talk to in similar situation find that impossible.

I think you should forget about him- look at what he did, you know? I mean, of course it hurts- thats pretty hurtful stuff to do to someone. Even if he contacts you, who cares.

 

Like you said- his actions are speaking for him.

[Batya33]

Do you feel that the new men in your life need to put up with your past baggage or need to be blamed, in a way, for how people in the past treated you? Maybe, just like you, he had bad experiences too and is treating you the way he is because of them, just not telling you (just like you didn't tell him why you were being a so-called "brat").

 

I don't think it's a blame thing on not discussing intentions - it's only a bad idea for the person who wants more than a casual arrangement. We don't know what he wanted out of this - maybe he was cool with the way things were going and didn't need more either at the moment or ever. But you did want more.

 

My suggestion is to decide that men you meet do not need to "pay" for the sins of the other men you have been with (and I am sorry you were mistreated) and deserve a clean slate because it can be mighty confusing in any friendship or romantic relationship to experience odd or bizarre reactions and have to play guessing games as to "why". I know when I am on the receiving end, often I take it personally because I don't know how else to take it.

 

good luck.

[degrl23]

No, I do not feel that others need to put up with my past baggage. I was merely implying that as a result of past experiences I have things I need to work on but still have problems in certain situations preventing those insecurities from clouding my judgement and influencing my actions. To be quite honest, I am rather good at NOT making men "pay" for the sins of others as you put it. I was cheated on numerous times by one of my exes, but I don't let that influence my thoughts about other men. I also do not assume that all men are going to break my jaw and ribs.

 

While its not fair to have reactions based on previous experiences, I am sure that everyone is guilty of such. It's only ourselves that can work on those types of things to keep them from causing problems with future relationships, friendship or otherwise. This is the main reason I am upset with myself for what happened btw this guy and I. But it is in the past, so all I can do is learn and move on at this point. I just hope that he will eventually talk to me agian so I can apologize for my actions and maybe we can salvage our friendship.

[degrl23]

You seem to be fairly objective, which is weird since most women I talk to in similar situation find that impossible.

QUOTE]

 

 

LOL! I am a "unique individual" as my friends and coworkers put it. I hardly fit the mold of a "normal" woman; however, it is nice to know that despite my tendency to overanalyze I am able to remain objective

[ycmanvs]

I think the only thing that happened here was that there was very poor communication at a very crucial time in this relationship and now too much time has passed and feelings have been hurt on both sides. I am not sure that the relationship is doomed, but it seems that this guy just does not want to deal with it at all. He has not answered any of your emails or calls, so that seems to be the case.

What will you do if he does try to contact you in the future?

[degrl23]

I think the only thing that happened here was that there was very poor communication at a very crucial time in this relationship and now too much time has passed and feelings have been hurt on both sides. I am not sure that the relationship is doomed, but it seems that this guy just does not want to deal with it at all. He has not answered any of your emails or calls, so that seems to be the case.

What will you do if he does try to contact you in the future?

 

Do you really think his feelings have been hurt? It would be mean of me to say I hope I did hurt him, but at the same time young guys seem to be very good at just turning off feelings and moving on no harm no foul. As you mentioned he "doesn't want to deal" i.e. doesn't care in my book.

 

If he were to call me and be honest ex. I got scared at the thought of committment, My feelings were hurt by your actions, I was a jerk to ignore you and realize that I do want to try to make things work, or even I'm sorry I ignored you, while I don't want to date you I'd like to make sure we remain friends; I would probably let him back into my life. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, LOL, but I made a mistake, so did he, why not forgive him at least enough to see where things go (if at all) but this time being more open in the communications lines.

 

I am NOT saying I would immediately jump back into bed and things with him, but I would be willing to give him another shot since we are afterall human beings. I would just go about things better on my end and hope for the best; friendship or bf/gf.

[ycmanvs]

When a guy does not want to deal with something, it means that he does have feelings, but he does not know how to deal with them, so he just tries to ignore them. Of course he was affected by what happened and he freaked out. Now he thinks that it is easier to ignore the situation, than to actually be mature and talk to you about it. Many guys do this when they cannot face an issue in their lives.

Women assume that a guy can read their minds. Well, they can't. No one can. You have to be direct and tell them what you want when you want it....and vice versa. Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing what someone is thinking, unless they choose to tell you. He is choosing not to discuss it with you, so you have to let it go...or try to keep bugging him, until he breaks down and tells you.

I do not recommend the latter.

[degrl23]

Ha ha! No worries. I am not contacting him at all at this point. I left it to 2 phone calls the day he asked me to call, a phone call that Saturday and then the email last Friday. I thought it was very non-confrontational but at the same time honest and putting myself out there.

 

"Hey! How are you? I am not sure what happened after we talked last week, but if you don’t want to hang out, or even keep in touch, anymore that’s cool; but I just thought it was odd that I haven’t heard from you at all in a couple weeks. First and foremost we were friends and I just want to make sure things are cool with us at least on that level. I didn’t mean to imply I wanted to pressure you into any kind of commitment or ‘labeled’ relationship, I guess I was just curious if you were definitely just in it for the friends with benefits aspect or if you were into me enough that maybe down the road when we’re both in more stable places with school/work/etc, that there may be potential for more. I guess I have just been stressed with the whole house buying process and was looking for some kind of reassurance and a boost of confidence anywhere I could get it. Sorry if that was misinterpreted as something more than it was. Maybe you can just tell me I am pretty and fun in the sheets and that will be enough ego stroking to get me through until my house settles…lol. Anywho, just shoot me an email or text and let me know if we are still cool and how you are doing. TTYL."

[degrl23]

Regarding the "try to keep bugging him, until he breaks down and tells you.

I do not recommend the latter." statement. Since honestly I do miss the friendship he and I shared, would it seem crazy/needy etc for me to include him on any of those email jokes that people forward to numerous friends or for me to add his number back to the list of friends I send funny facts to on Thursday afternoons?

[Caterina]

I doubt his feelings have been hurt, PLEASE.

 

Don't pursue him. If he really wants you, he'll come back. But do you really want him to after he did this whole horrible ignoring thing?

[degrl23]

I doubt his feelings have been hurt, PLEASE.

 

Don't pursue him. If he really wants you, he'll come back. But do you really want him to after he did this whole horrible ignoring thing?

 

I don't plan on pursuing him romantically. I've stated before he and I had a friendship before and I hoped to salvage at least that. I mentioned I might include him on my mass text messaging, but thinking about it, I probably won't.

 

Do I want him back? Honestly, not sure. I only want to talk to him because I want to find out if he fell off the face of the Earth because of my reaction (brattiness) or did he just lose interest, or were we never on the same page at all. I do believe in second chances, but for him to get one he would need to be honest with me regarding his disappearing act then I could decide if it was worth any more of my time and feelings, but considering how he doesn't seem to care one bit that we no longer speak, this is probably all just a waste of my time and energy considering the what-ifs.

[Batya33]

 

While its not fair to have reactions based on previous experiences, I am sure that everyone is guilty of such. It's only ourselves that can work on those types of things to keep them from causing problems with future relationships, friendship or otherwise. This is the main reason I am upset with myself for what happened btw this guy and I. But it is in the past, so all I can do is learn and move on at this point. I just hope that he will eventually talk to me agian so I can apologize for my actions and maybe we can salvage our friendship.

 

I was referring to the extent to which you subjected him to past experiences - and that was because you repeatedly referred to yourself as "brat" - of course our past experiences influence our behavior to a certain extent. good luck.

[rastnim]

I don't think you were to blame at all in all this. I slept with my current boyfriend of almost 2 years for 3 months before we hooked up propely. He was always chasing me and asking me out and I kept telling him I just wanted to be fwb. In the end my feelings grew and we are now very happy. I think the way your guy reacted was very immature - just ignoring you!? Is he 12!!??! And it wasn't bratty of you at all to want to know what the hell was going on! I mean that is a normal thing to want to know and if that scared him off he definitely isn't boyfriend material yet, he is too young! He is the one acting like the biggest brat ever, throwing his toys out of the pram as soon as you try to achieve something more meaningful. Completely ignoring someone when they said they would ring and acting like this is unacceptable - get rid!!! He isn't worth the time.

[degrl23]

I agree his actions are utterly immature and downright rude. I also think that while my questioning was warranted, the way I went about it could have been handled a little better At least on the bright side, lol if there is one, my friends are bouncers at 2 of the bars/clubs he and his friends frequent and they have told me that the guy doesn't flirt with girls anymore and just hangs out with his guy friends. So unless he met someone in his bedroom (when he isn't at work or in class or out drinking he spends his time at home in his room watching tv and playing on the computer) I can probably make the assumption he didn't leave me for another woman.