Batya33 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 No, this is not about me or my relationship but it is about me to the extent that, I did deal with this issue when I was dating and it's sort of a vent because I am shaking my head at this situation - that someone (here, a man) could possibly think his new girlfriend would buy his excuses. The background, my friend L started dating C about 6 weeks ago (she is in her late 30s, he is in his late 40s)- they met through an on line dating site. In the last two weeks they started sleeping together and also decided to be exclusive -- until that time, both had been open with each other about still meeting others through the on line site. Last night L went on line to look at C's profile and, she says, also because she had this feeling that he might be on line. They had just spent an intimate weekend together which went well. He was on line. She called and confronted him. He said he was just checking his "in box" on the site because he was curious to see who emailed him and that since all the women who email him are "psychos" (except my friend, I guess, lol) she had nothing to worry about. He also said he did it for entertainment value. He also turned it on her - yelled at her about how she was paranoid, didn't trust him, and how there were far more important things for her to do than worry about him being on line. She asked my opinion and I said I thought his excuses were incredibly lame. That even if he met no one, it was inconsistent with being in an exclusive relationship to advertise yourself as single on a dating site, that there were other sites (I don't know, fantasy baseball or football??) where he could get entertainment value other than a dating site, and that there was a reason there was an option to hide one's profile on a site like that. She questioned whether it was "too soon" to ask him to do that and my response was that if it wasn't too soon to promise exclusivity, and to be intimate, it wasn't too soon to say that as part of being exclusive, being active on an on line site wasn't appropriate, at the very least. My personal vent - I am so tired of hearing this same excuse (usually from men but that's just been my experience) of how it's no big deal to continue keeping an active profile and to want to check who emails "even though" you'd never meet the person. I think it's just plain icky and those excuses are insulting to the other person's intelligence (sure, if the couple feels comfortable with it, cool, I am talking about when one person doesn't feel comfortable.) Ironically, this guy C emailed me about three-four years ago. I called him after we emailed a few times and he "confessed" that he had lied about his age by a few years. When I declined to meet him because of his lie he became quite belligerent - almost nasty from what I remember. When my friend met him, he "confessed" his true age in the profile, leaving the fake age (6-7 years younger) on the profile so that he would come up in searches of younger women. She was fine with it. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Sounds like he's one of those people who are addicted to internet dating. He can't let go of the possibility of who else is out there and online dating makes that curiosity worse in my opinion. If he's still on there, he can't be all that into the relationship. To me, it's a red flag. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 oh batya - you know i was there too just this summer! except his excuses were..."have to say goodbye to a friend," (ok, how long does it take to send some goodbye emails), "have to help my friend with his online site" (ok, so why then do YOU have to log on if you are trying to help out your buddy with a technical issue, can't you log in under his screen name?) and my personal favorite, "I don't know how to take it down!" (Screw you, you're a PhD student, you can figure it out!!!) you know, i wish they would just man up and say, 'i'm not ready to be exclusive yet.' (but that would mean having to give up the sex..... which i guess they are not ready to do.) Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 i also don't buy the 'entertainment value' excuse. to me, it's like if your boss finds your resume and your account on a job hunting site, but you insist to your boss that you are totally happy and not looking for another job at all. i mean, if your information is out there, on a singles site or a job search site - you are certainly advertising your status as 'looking!' Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 oh batya - you know i was there too just this summer! except his excuses were..."have to say goodbye to a friend," (ok, how long does it take to send some goodbye emails), "have to help my friend with his online site" (ok, so why then do YOU have to log on if you are trying to help out your buddy with a technical issue, can't you log in under his screen name?) and my personal favorite, "I don't know how to take it down!" (Screw you, you're a PhD student, you can figure it out!!!) you know, i wish they would just man up and say, 'i'm not ready to be exclusive yet.' (but that would mean having to give up the sex..... which i guess they are not ready to do.) That's right - you were in this situation - and I'm glad you're not, anymore. One time that it sort of happened to me we were not exclusive yet (never became) but we were at that point to have "the talk" as we'd been dating two months. I told him that it made me feel icky to see him on line a half hour after he left my house. He said that he wasn't seeing anyone else or aggressively looking, that he was almost ready to be exclusive but not quite, and to please give him a little more time. (I did - we weren't sleeping together). I have to say, I appreciated his honesty. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 ha, except in my situation, he kept insisting that he was ready to be exclusive, and in fact, he was the one trying to push the relationship forward.... yet the profile wouldn't come down! and when he finally did take it down, he didn't return my calls!!! go figure..... Link to comment
chilledsugar Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 she should stick to guys in their 30s. sorry, but as a rule men in their 40s have so much baggage about women. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 she should stick to guys in their 30s. sorry, but as a rule men in their 40s have so much baggage about women. I haven't found that to be the case in the least with the men I know and have dated several men in their 40s. My significant other is 41 and it's certainly not true of him. Link to comment
chilledsugar Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 I haven't found that to be the case in the least with the men I know and have dated several men in their 40s. My significant other is 41 and it's certainly not true of him. uh you are posting about a man in his 40s who has issues. lol Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 uh you are posting about a man in his 40s who has issues. lol Yes, of course, but I am not generalizing about all or even most men in their 40s. Big difference. Also, I don't think he necessarily has baggage just because he's acting like a jerk in my opinion. He may have been just as much of a jerk 20 years ago. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 That's lame! What would bother me even more, and probably send me for the hills, is his flipping out about it. If it's not a big deal, why get so defensive about it. Either say you aren't taking it down or do it, but the excuses would be a blaring red light for me. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Sometimes my dealing with men may cut strings too quickly these days. With the dating I've been doing over the summer, I just don't have the patience so much anymore. If I were in this situation, I'd give him 7 days possibly. That's 7 days from the time he and I agreed on exclusivity. I probably wouldn't say anything to him. Just a mental note to myself - 7 days. If it wasn't down, I'd tell him I was no longer interested most likely with no explanation. Add in the fact that you came accross him a few years ago with a lie about his age. And, his response on her asking him about it... Maybe I'd only give him 4 days. Really, if your friend has to request that he delete the page, the fact that he has it still and the fact that she's already requesting him to do something because he needs to, it's just starting the relationship off on the wrong foot. 1) Her not trusting him. (How could she have complete trust if he still has it up and doesn't voluntarily take it down?) 2) Him treating her like she is insecure in unreasonable. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 I tend to be 'zero tolerance' with men these days, so for me that would be a 'dealbreaker' and I'd call it a day. He can't be all that 'into' your friend, if he still feels a need to have a dating profile/s online. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 I agree totally with this - while in truth I probably would be closer to the zero tolerance of Dlish, I would try my best to give a few days' leeway to see what happened. They didn't actually discuss taking down profiles -maybe they should have - but I agree that an adult knows better than to be browsing on line and reading emails when he/she's agreed to be exclusive - especially if he didn't tell her (as in "hey, I'm going to take down my profile tomorrow morning, but I'm going to go on line tonight briefly to look at the profile of a guy friend (or fill in the blank) who wanted me to critique his profile"). Link to comment
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