Frustrations

[bfla]

• being told to open my eyes, I'm in my "dating prime"
  
• being told that I'm young and there are plenty of women out there (my parents were married at 6 months older than I am now)
  
• being told there are plenty of fish in the sea (I don't love but one of them)
  
• feeling helpless about it all
  
• knowing, yes being aware, that other things in my life are going pretty well, but still wanting her back
  
• still catching myself talking out loud to her in the car on the way to work every morning
  

 

I'm sure I'll think of more.

[jettison]

I think it's mostly frustrating because we all want to hold onto our misery. We have a love relationship with our own misery, and the idea that we could lose that misery (the hyper-focus on our ego, the attachment to the memory of an ex) is scary and painful. It takes a lot of courage to be be joyful in a circumstance like this, and most people can't do it. It's no fault of yours though.

 

I know that it's ass cringing to be told, basically, "buck up", but there is very limited insight that a friend could lend you when they see that their friend is so down. Your friends wouldn't be bothering with the trite cliche if they either didn't care or else had something more unique to say.

 

I think that misery has a shelf-life for most people, and the end times are reach when people just get fed up with being sad and want something new. But make no mistake about it.... there is comfort and control in being sad. You know exactly what you're going to get, it's steady and predictable, it is not going to just take off and abandon you, being sad is a way to remain hyper-focused on your ego. Basically, your sadness is what's nourishing the part of you that's broken.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

• being told to open my eyes, I'm in my "dating prime"
  
• being told that I'm young and there are plenty of women out there (my parents were married at 6 months older than I am now)
  
• being told there are plenty of fish in the sea (I don't love but one of them)
  
• feeling helpless about it all
  
• knowing, yes being aware, that other things in my life are going pretty well, but still wanting her back
  
• still catching myself talking out loud to her in the car on the way to work every morning
  

 

I'm sure I'll think of more.

 

 

Yeah, being told clichés is frustrating. I think some are helpful and some aren't. The "plenty of fish in the sea" is one that particularly annoys me...yes certainly if you don't have standards there are plenty of fish in the sea...but if you do have standards it is indeed not so easy to find compatible fish.

[bulletproof]

• being told to open my eyes, I'm in my "dating prime"
  
• being told that I'm young and there are plenty of women out there (my parents were married at 6 months older than I am now)
  
• being told there are plenty of fish in the sea (I don't love but one of them)
  
• feeling helpless about it all
  
• knowing, yes being aware, that other things in my life are going pretty well, but still wanting her back
  
• still catching myself talking out loud to her in the car on the way to work every morning
  

 

I'm sure I'll think of more.

 

I guess you just have to understand that people are trying to be helpful. I wouldn't put too much stock in what ages your parents were married- things are a lot different now and who knows if they would have made that same choice at the same age today.

 

I don't know how long ago your breakup was, but it's understandable that you're frustrated. However, I disagree that you are helpless. There are a lot of things you can do to feel better, when you're ready to feel better. Maybe that time hasn't come yet.

 

Remember also, there's a lot of people out there that you just haven't met, yet. There's a good chance you could love one of them. I know it seems impossible, but there's always the chance.

[atelis]

the other one i hate is 'everything happens for a reason'.......really? how insightful!!

 

just take your time.

 

the thing i dislike about our modern society is that no one is encouraged or allowed to grieve........we all have to show that we are happy all the time. it's like a competition.....everyone wants to show the next person that their life is so well adjusted and happy that everyone just ends up living a charade.

[Sweet Venus]

Well.....they say hindsight is 20/20..what annoys you today will be a "lightbulb" moment for you WHEN you are finally ready to be sick and tired of being sick and tired of being miserable.

 

And Jettison's post was awesome.I second everything he said, especially the part about sadness nourishing the part of you that is broken. SO true!!!

[atelis]

I know that it's ass cringing to be told, basically, "buck up", but there is very limited insight that a friend could lend you when they see that their friend is so down. Your friends wouldn't be bothering with the trite cliche if they either didn't care or else had something more unique to say.

 

.

 

i think the insight that the friend can give is to listen. people in need want an emotional outlet and they want people to listen, not necessarily throw back cliche's and empty pearls of wisdom them.

 

at a funeral, you don't go up to the widow and say 'things happen for a reason' or 'every day is a new day'. you tell them you are sorry and you offer your ear to listen if that person needs it.

 

i think too often a cliche is used because people don't feel comfortable with others grieving and being sad, which is a shame, because sadness and grief are a valid and important part of life, just as happiness is

[jettison]

i think the insight that the friend can give is to listen. people in need want an emotional outlet and they want people to listen, not necessarily throw back cliche's and empty pearls of wisdom them.

 

at a funeral, you don't go up to the widow and say 'things happen for a reason' or 'every day is a new day'. you tell them you are sorry and you offer your ear to listen if that person needs it.

 

i think too often a cliche is used because people don't feel comfortable with others grieving and being sad, which is a shame, because sadness and grief are a valid and important part of life, just as happiness is

 

Yes, but at a funeral, the dead person hasn't talked your ear off for 6 straight hours asking, "Why did God take me? Why did I die? Does not God not love me? Does death only happen to jerks who are hated by the Universe?"

 

There is a limit to how long a person can remain silent, and say "Uh huh" and "I see what you mean", and "that's rough" before their head explodes. Eventually, you get just as tired of your friend's misery as they are of their own misery, and you start looking for things to say that might snap them out of it.

[atelis]

Yes, but at a funeral, the dead person hasn't talked your ear off for 6 straight hours asking, "Why did God take me? Why did I die? Does not God not love me? Does death only happen to jerks who are hated by the Universe?"

 

There is a limit to how long a person can remain silent, and say "Uh huh" and "I see what you mean", and "that's rough" before their head explodes. Eventually, you get just as tired of your friend's misery as they are of their own misery, and you start looking for things to say that might snap them out of it.

 

for most people that limit is 1-2 weeks.

 

i come from a country which has the highest suicide rate in the world among young men..........over 2,000 suicides per annum.

 

people need to talk and in a society which extoles the virtues of happiness at any cost and keeps sadness or misery locked in the cupboard for fear of showing weakness, i think it's a sad reflection of how disposable western society has become

[jettison]

for most people that limit is 1-2 weeks.

 

i come from a country which has the highest suicide rate in the world among young men..........over 2,000 suicides per annum.

 

people need to talk and in a society which extoles the virtues of happiness at any cost and keeps sadness or misery locked in the cupboard for fear of showing weakness, i think it's a sad reflection of how disposable western society has become

 

And I have absolutely no problem with talking about feelings, obviously. My post count would indicate that, and I'm basically the same off-line. But in this world, a depressive person can become an emotional vampire, literally sucking the life and joy out of those around them. If you love someone, you don't let them become this dark creature. Occasionally, you demonstrate tough love and motivation.

 

This thread was about people in misery complaining that, while they are laying out their misery, the feedback they are receiving just isn't up to par. It's a critique of someone who has bothered to care enough about them to let them spill their feelings and to be there for them in a time of need. Basically, it's classless. Here is this person, taking, taking, taking from those around them, and then complaining about the person who is lending the emotional collateral. This is akin to receiving a gift and then whining that it's just not expensive enough.

[bfla]

Gosh, my apologies.

I certainly didn't intend to be so selfish and classless.

[COtuner]

Sometimes people just need unconditional support. I've recently become a big fan of this since it's a major reason why my own relationship ended.

 

On a related note.... My employer actually has a policy that you can get fired if you aren't happy (paraphrasing, but yeah, it's there). imagine how much fun I am at work right now going through a breakup? Gritting my teeth, smiling, fake laughter all so I won't lose points on my annual ranking....

[jettison]

Gosh, my apologies.

I certainly didn't intend to be so selfish and classless.

 

I'm not contending that you're selfish or classless, but I have read a LOT of threads these days about people really upset that those consoling them not only aren't doing a good enough job of it, but that those people are downright annoying them.

 

This kind of reminds me of the blowjob crowd that gets all bent out of shape because their lady won't swallow. How often are we really just missing a little bit of perspective?

[jettison]

Sometimes people just need unconditional support. I've recently become a big fan of this since it's a major reason why my own relationship ended.

 

On a related note.... My employer actually has a policy that you can get fired if you aren't happy (paraphrasing, but yeah, it's there). imagine how much fun I am at work right now going through a breakup? Gritting my teeth, smiling, fake laughter all so I won't lose points on my annual ranking....

 

I think that's a terrible policy, and I was soooo close to losing my job went I went through my breakup. I was just no fun to be around, I was cranky, and I was barking at people. One day, one lady asked me, "Have you thought about maybe seeing a shrink?" and it was a big wakeup call for me.

 

I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote down "Be sincere. Be direct. Be thoughtful." I concentrated on it all the time. I literally how to will myself away from being a downtrodden bastard.

[atelis]

I'm not contending that you're selfish or classless, but I have read a LOT of threads these days about people really upset that those consoling them not only aren't doing a good enough job of it, but that those people are downright annoying them.

 

?

 

personally, i think it's sad that forums like these exist, but they exist because people are not finding the consolation or outlet they need in their daily lives to talk about their sadness or loss. The fact is, most people who are happy in their own life just don't have the empathy or time to spend with someone who truly is in a bad state.

 

most friends are fairweather..........they are there in the good times, but go missing in the bad times, albeit except a very select few.

[bfla]

Whatever. I don't expect my friends and family to play constant therapist and I do my best not to put that on them.

 

But these are still things that are driving me nuts.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Whatever. I don't expect my friends and family to play constant therapist and I do my best not to put that on them.

 

But these are still things that are driving me nuts.

 

Yeah, I would rather they just listen or give constructive advice rather than trot out clichés.

[atelis]

it doesn't cost anything to listen

[yeahwhatever]

Whatever. I don't expect my friends and family to play constant therapist and I do my best not to put that on them.

 

But these are still things that are driving me nuts.

 

The thing to remember is bear in mind the individual you are getting advice from. If that person is not squared away, going through their own misery and dealing with similar issues as yourself, it will be hard to get right advice from them.

 

I recall early on when I was starting to lose my relationship for good, I confided in my work partner. This guy was wreck himself, not to mention I do believe he is bipolar. He tried giving good advice and really listened, but he was not capable of supporting me because his world was slowly falling down in front of him.

 

The stock answers that annoy you, annoy anyone hurting! We that hurt have a hard time hearing it because we hurt so badly! So the generic statements seem so weak to us that want to hear something more geared to what we wish and hope for.

 

I understand your pain as I still deal with my own!

[jettison]

Whatever. I don't expect my friends and family to play constant therapist and I do my best not to put that on them.

 

But these are still things that are driving me nuts.

 

There isn't anything wrong with letting your feelings out, with seeking support, with unburdening yourself upon your loved ones. That's part of what loved ones are for. I'm merely saying that one shouldn't fool themselves into thinking that it's some kind of joyful, awe-inspiring project to listen endlessly to someone who is depressed about the same issues they were depressed about 6 months ago. There is a limit. Eventually, anyone's patience runs out. And eventually, friends and family just want to see that person fix themselves and be happy.

 

No one sets out to say, "Oh, gee... Today I think I'll talk only in cliches." People simply try to introduce talking points they hope will reverberate a little. It's a weak approach, but it's introduced in lieu of having any other clue what else to say.

 

I'll also say that, like I've always said, most people don't want to be fixed. They want to hold onto their sadness and misery because it's comfortable and predictable. When people, often quite thoughtful people, offer their concrete suggestions about how to change, how one can help themselves, that advice will most often fall on deaf ears.

[atelis]

why do people have to feel like they need to give advice? why not just listen. sit there shut up and listen.......is it that hard? most of the time, people like bfla just need an outlet and someone they can talk to. i had a good friend who took me aside after my break-up and he told me that he didn't care if we talked about the same thing 50 times, that he wanted me to just let it out and talk. he would listen and we would say the same things, but that's what i needed to get it out of my system. Wen he broke up wit his fiance, i did the same for thing with him and provided an ear and an outlet for him

 

i'm sure bfla doesn't call his friends every day and insist that they listen, but when he does want to talk, they should just lend an ear.

 

i agree that if this goes on and on for a very long period then the individual perhaps requires professional therapy, but for the most part, people just want someone to talk to who won't brush them off with juvenile cliches.

 

it's not that hard

[jettison]

Why don't people just shut the hell up and let you dump all over them? They do. They do it all the time. In fact, most people are happy to lend this kind of passive help to their friends, and I'm even guessing that their leash is quite long. They'll "shut the hell up" and just listen for months on end.

 

But it's pretty freaking sad that this person, this "great listener" who is willing to just take one for the team, and take it, and take it, and take it with nary a complaint, would then be subjected to the bearer of that depression later lambasting him for simply, occasionally, attempting to interject.

 

There isn't a soul among us who strives to speak in cliche. Cliche is the result of a loss of words, not an attempt to deliberately say something lame.

 

If you're the kind of person who says, "Here are the rules. I talk and you listen. You will get absolutely nothing out of this, it won't benefit you in the least, and it will likely get on your nerves. If you think you have something to add then just save it. If you do bother to talk then I'm going to tell you off and put in your place if I don't like it" then no thanks. You can go find some other sucker who likes to bend over.

 

Stay classy.

[atelis]

we'll agree to disagree. in my experience, people trot out cliche's because they couldn't be stuffed listening and it's their way of saying crap happens, move on let's talk about something more interesting.

[jettison]

we'll agree to disagree. in my experience, people trot out cliche's because they couldn't be stuffed listening and it's their way of saying crap happens, move on let's talk about something more interesting.

 

That's fair. And to your point, nothing annoys me more as a writer then to have to sift through cliche-driven babble.

 

But if I'm bummed, and some poor sod is listening to me lament my sad existence, and then I hear the mumbles begin... "Everything always happens for a reason" followed by "don't worry, there's a light at the end of the tunnel" then I'm just going to ignore it and treat the listener as my sounding board. After all, this person is servicing me and not the other way around.

 

What I don't want to resemble is one of those 16 year old brats on MTV whose parents just gave them a Porsche in the wrong color for their birthday so they're throwing a tantrum in the driveway in front of their friends. If someone is kind enough to listen to be spit it then I better be big enough to accept whatever is offered up in return... even if it patently sucks.