Patients, LC paying off? We shall see...

[BlackOps]

Like a few others on here I decided to start an almost daily account, sort of a journal but also curious to everyones comments. My backstory can be found elsewhere here but here's a short version. After a 13 year marriage my wife and I divorced in July. I was amicable and aside from unhappiness on her part the reasons for it all are really unclear. After 4 weeks of no contact we started talking from time to time on August 16th. Since then we have been in LC and I have stayed back following her actions with the contact being initiated by her. As an experiment I moved a little closer calling from time to time. Since then we've been spending Sundays together, went to a concert and taken a day trip to California. We've been keeping it fun and while talking about the break up and having open communication we haven't opened up any old wounds. I felt it would be best to pull back a little since we were talking a lot and only spoke to her when she called me and have sometimes been unavailable or busy if she wanted to talk or come over.

So, Wednesday I was out and she called and asked if I wanted to come to her classroom for open house and keep her company. I hadn't seen her since Sunday so I went and had a good time. We talked about meeting for dinner the next night and I gave her an apology letter I wrote some weeks past and went home.

We haven't done anything that "date like" since the divorce so we went the next night to nice restaurant and had a great time. I picked a place we had never been to before so it would be neutral territory for us with no memories. I didn't bring up the letter and she didn't either so I can only guess as to whether she has read it or not. When we got to my place (our old house) I asked if she wanted to come in. She did and we talked for a few minutes, had a smoke on the patio and made plans for Sunday and she went home.

 

I am in a good place emotionally, thinking clearly about things and keeping an open mind about it all. I'm feeling stronger and more confident than I have in a long time due in part to my health issues being resolved.

Would I get back together with her in some capacity? Yes I would. Does she feel the same way? I don't know. We shall see.

[BlackOps]

A little catch up of the weekend.

Saturday her car had to go the the dealership an oil change. Her roommate had to work so she asked if I could follow her down and bring her back. The car would be finished in a couple of hours so instead of taking her home we spent the time together, we had breakfast and watched just some television at my place.

 

We spend Sundays together so yesterday we loaded up my car and took the dog up to the mountains to play in the meadow. I hit the store before she come over and bought stuff for lunch and we hit the road. We had a nice quiet day on a blanket in the meadow talking, eating and playing with the dog. We didn't talk about the past just new things and hiked around. Things are not going well with the roommate and my ex is wanting to leave that situation. It sounds like it's getting bad. The roommate is an old friend of hers who is turning into a rather no-so-nice person and developing some unsavory habits.

After the meadow we went grocery shopping and I took her home. Her favorite punk band is playing Friday night and we made plans to go. At her door she gave me a small kiss and a hug and I went home feeling pretty good about the day.

[jettison]

I hope this all works out of you. This feels like a lot of pressure on some levels. My main question is "What would be different about this new marriage that would make it work that the old marriage didn't have?"

 

Usually, when a couple goes through a painful divorce, they've only done so after exhausting, traumatic contemplation. Basically, if you're going to chop off your right arm then you make sure that it actually needs to be removed. \

 

So what's different?

[BlackOps]

Her roommate lived with us for a while after a bad divorce. It was abusive and her ex had just about every addiction you can and she left with really nothing with nowhere to go and she lived with us until our divorce.

Just recently as we have been talking and spending time together it turns out that the roommate was playing us off of each other. Telling my ex things about me that weren't true and me the same. She pretty much demonized me and accused me of some of the behavior of her ex, not the addiction but other things. Saying I was controlling and spying on my ex, reading her emails you get the idea. Now she is doing the same to my ex. When bills are due and my ex asks for her half she is told that she is acting just like I did and that my ex is constantly on her back and the same. As my ex put it yesterday-"That chick is paranoid."

A friend of ours told us both last week that in her opinion we were broken up by this person and my ex asked the interesting question on saturday of "How many other people you figure think xxxx broke us up?" I told her the 6 others I knew of and said she should ask some her close friends if she wanted to know. She put her head down and replied with "Interesting." We both admit to knowing it now and can see it looking back and we are trying to figure out what to do about it.

[jettison]

So a 13 year marriage was brought to its knees by a lying roommate? Wow. Honestly, I'd have to say that there's a lot more to it then this. If that's all it took to take down your decade then your relationship was pretty tenuous either way. And if there's more (and would hope that there was), then what is it?

 

It's just exceedingly hard for me to believe that that's the true reason. Is there something you're not disclosing? Something you feel bad about admitting perhaps?

[BlackOps]

It goes way beyond lying. The only stuff I'm leaving out is all the crap this woman pulled only because it would fill volumes and that is not what this is about. It's about my ex and I figuring out what's next and what that looks like. My ex and I agree that this would make a great screen play.

Suffice it to say that no our marriage wasn't perfect but we never had anything that we couldn't work out up to this point. There was a lot going on in our life at that time that caused us to lose focus but neither of us did anything that I would be ashamed of admitting here or to anyone. We've agreed to seek couples therapy to figure out how we let this happen and what are roles were and now how to define our roles in the divorce and what life looks like for us in the future. If something comes out in the therapy that neither of us were aware of then it does and I'll put it here. As we talk more and spend more time together more comes out and we get closer together. What's it all mean, who knows? The conversations we've had since NC was broken have been honest and open and now we want a third party to help us get to the bottom of it.

[Fireman Sam]

Please keep posting.

I am very interested in how this progresses.

[COtuner]

Congrats on the progress. I hope it works out. Sometimes I think breakups can help both people grow, but they both have to want to do that, and I'm not sure how common that is.

 

I'm still in LC but slowly making some progress forward, so I'll be watching your thread as well.

[BlackOps]

I had to call her last night. She is in a photography book and the advance publishers copies showed up at my house yesterday. We'd been waiting for them for a couple of months so she came right over and we thumbed through them. She took a copy and gave one to me.

We sat next to each other on the couch and even though we had 2 copies of the book we were sharing one. I ran my fingers up and down her back as we flipped through the book and she didn't mind or move away so I was pretty happy about that. We had a smoke on the back patio while the cats played in the grass and it was a nice short 30 minute visit. She went home after the usual goodbye hug and kiss. One thing I've noticed though, if I don't lean in to kiss her goodbye, she will. Don't know, just thought it was interesting. I did last night.

 

She called this morning on the way to work to ask if I could help her, the shower head started leaking and needs to be replaced. Since we've seen each other everyday since Saturday and we already have plans to go out Friday night I asked if this weekend would be OK or was it an emergency. The weekend is fine. I want to keep the contact limited I know if I don't watch it we'd probably see each other everyday.

 

I'm waiting for the Therapist to call me back. The woman who's office is next to mine is a therapist still working here while she builds her practice. She referred us to a colleague whom she respects and thinks would be a good fit for us..

[BlackOps]

Last night was a little difficult. I wasn't missing her per se but did wish I could call without worrying about the ramifications.

The arthritis was causing me pain making it hard to sleep so I had to many cigarettes and hoped it would stop on it's own. It didn't and since I hate taking them I waited a little to long to take a pain killer but it finally kicked in and I was able to sleep for a few hours. I've learned that when that happens or I have a serious pain day my emotions get close to the surface and this gets harder.

I woke up feeling better this morning.

 

She called this morning just to tell me something cute the dog did last night. We had a nice short 5 minute chat and I let her go since I was at late for a meeting. It was nice to hear her voice, she always sounds happy like she's smiling when we talk. I don't read anything into it but since we haven't had any bad conversations on the phone or in person yet it is somewhat encouraging.

[BlackOps]

So let's just say I've had a crappy couple of days, just felt off for some reason. My ex was acting weird and I got the feeling I was getting bounced into the friend zone and was going to have to activate NC again. We have been spending time together and having a great time but friend zone is a place I don't want to get stuck. So square one or just a flat out "Goodbye" was going to have to happen.

So as I'm sitting here figuring out how to handle this my ex calls but I wasn't ready to talk. She called back again so I answered it and I'm glad I did. She's been hanging out with this other guy lately and she called to tell me that she was acting weird the last little while because she is dumping him. She's actually talking to him now, he called while we were on the phone. I'm very happy to say I kept my composure in check. She said she wants to be able to see me whenever she wants and not have to worry about how someone else feels about it since we are having so much fun together and she doesn't want to be someone's girlfriend. Hey, right-on, I can handle that. All good reasons if you ask me.

We still have our plans tomorrow night and we are both really looking forward to it. Another couple (really good friends of ours) are going with us so it's going to be a great time. My crappy couple of days just got better, we'll see what's next.

[Sparkie]

Nice one! Just goes to show that worry is in our heads sometimes, and doesn't necessarily reflect whats actually going on.

[BlackOps]

Just goes to show that worry is in our heads sometimes, and doesn't necessarily reflect whats actually going on.

 

Well played Sparkie. Just because something feels "off" doesn't always mean it's with us. In this case I just sat back and didn't worry about it until I had something concrete to worry about, just began to prepared myself for the worst case and how to handle it.

Patients is certainly key.

[BlackOps]

She called a few minutes ago since she didn't call me back last night. Curiosity had the best of me and I picked up.

She had turned her phone off because after they talked the begging started. She didn't say how many calls or texts came in but the drunken "why won't you pick up? Why won't you talk to me" messages are being left. She's prepared for it and isn't going to answer when his number shows up. As much as it was hard not to God I am so glad I never pulled any of that desperate and unattractive BS.

 

Gearing up for a great night together.

[jtripp06]

congrats man on everything working out for you, i hope the same goes for me soon.

[purplekangaroo]

Hi, BlackOps ~

 

Glad you're feeling better. I'm posting because I'm worried about this contradiction: "she doesn't want to be someone's girlfriend...Another couple (really good friends of ours) are going with us..."

 

ANOTHER couple? My understanding is that you're not a couple, if she "doesn't want to be someone's girlfriend." I think that includes you. If you want her to be your girlfriend, perhaps you have more thinking to do. If you are willing to be with her no matter what your "title" (and she does seem to want to be with you), remember to not let phrases like "another couple" slip - it might upset her.

 

~PK

[BlackOps]

My apologies. That's an abbreviated version of a much long conversation, I was concerned about length. She said she needs this time to focus on her and work on herself and doesn't want to be in a new committed relationship since it's not healthy and it would be something that is going to stop us from spending time together. So no, she doesn't want to be someone's girlfriend but she doesn't want to be so that she can work on herself and spend time with me. The exact question of boyfriend girlfriend and how this going to play out is a long way off, right now we are rediscovering each other.

I used the term couple in the figurative sense, we made these plans nearly a week ago to go out tonight and now our friends are going with us. I didn't mean to imply that we are a couple in the sense that we are in a relationship but that we have a date tonight and 2 other people are going with us. We have both commented that we are indeed dating out ex so I felt it appropriate. Sorry for the confusion.

[BlackOps]

Last night was a blast. Our friends had baby sitter problems so it was just my ex and I. We saw lots of friends who all said it was nice to see us together and we got a lot of encouraging comments. She showed more affection towards me than she has since we started spending more time together with lots more touches and arms around each other and a few kisses on my neck. I don't expect I'll hear from her today since we didn't get back to my house until after 3 am and I'm beat, thank God we didn't drink a lot maybe 2 or 3 beers the entire night. We made plans for tomorrow to just lay around and watch movies at my house and then to see a film about Ian Curtis from Joy Division on Tuesday night.

She made a few comments about the past about regrets she has and that I was the better half in the relationship and a few other things. I get the feeling she read the letter and is reflecting now. She hasn't made that type of comment before.

[blue_dahlia]

I get the feeling she read the letter and is reflecting now. She hasn't made that type of comment before.

 

What letter, what letter? I have to look @ your other threads to read the letter.

[BlackOps]

Hi Blue hope all is well with you.

I mentioned in my first post in this thread about an apology letter I wrote and eventually gave her. I've never posted it's contents here though. Maybe I should?

 

We've been texting back and forth throughout the day and I just got off the phone with her. She told me what a great time she had and I told her the same.

 

So this happened last night and I'm still smiling. On the show Family Guy there is that character Quagmire who always says "Giggety Giggety". OK? Well last night we're bouncing around in front of the stage and she looks at me and says "Giggety Giggety", this was an inside joke when one of us was horny or we thought the other looked especially sexy. I looked at her and asked "Who?" she replied "Giggety Giggety you- dummy." and leaned in and kissed my neck below my ear. It was a good moment for sure. We kind of caught ourselves and it didn't go any further than that but it could have.

[COtuner]

I envy you, BlackOps.... you're meeting in person and getting a chance. I don't even know where my ex is. It's all email - how do you win someone's heart back via email? (rhetorical question)

 

I wish you continued good luck.

[BlackOps]

It's all time and patients. Who knows, this could still go horribly wrong. Little by little and day by day is what it takes, right now we're having fun and doing some of the old things we liked to do but do a lot more new things.

 

I texted her this today.

Me at 11:30 am: "Here's what I'm thinking. You, me, the small white lump (our dog) and Dexter (the Showtime Show) at 9 tonight. Come hungry.

 

Her at 11:45 am: "That sounds perfect! I'll be there."

 

A friend told me to take note of how she comes dressed. When we've gone out at night she has always dressed nicely and looked beautiful. I've made it a point to tell her so, I always did when we were together but I want her to know that I notice how nice she looks. Her coming over dressed like she's been around the house all days shows that tonight is nothing special, but her coming dressed and made up shows that she is putting her best face forward. I thought that was interesting. Mental note=made. I'm not going to look like I was laying around the house all day.

 

Time to go shopping and straighten up some.

[diamond78]

I am so rooting for you! You seem like you'd make such a great husband...I'm sure she's starting to remember why she choose you to be her mate to begin with!

 

She's lucky to have you...and if she's smart she'll come to that realization. You two seem to be going at a nice pace and the drama-free continual contact is going to work in your favor.

 

It is a shame that an outsider came and tore you two apart, but maybe it's all for the best....I'm sure you two will start to think twice of taking each other for granted. Maybe this time around you guys can build a more solid foundation....I am wishing you lots of luck!!

 

 

Have fun tonight!!

[Fireman Sam]

Hey there BlackOps,

 

Keep up the good work. Some new threads and hitting the gym will help make you more attractive to your ex.

 

Your situation has some similarities to mine...so I'm closely following your progress.

 

How long was it between when you guys decided to separate and the final divorce in July??

Did you every have the "I love you but not in love with you" conversation?

[BlackOps]

I'm right with you Fireman Sam. The gym has been part of my agenda for years. I don't go as often as I used to since the arthritis came onboard but I still go. Along with that and yup- new threads I had the guy the cuts my mine and my ex's hair do something a little different a few weeks ago. She loved it.

 

There was no separation unfortunately, divorce came up in late May, attorney in June and final July 1. Welcome to Nevada, home of the quickie divorce. I wish it hadn't of happened so fast, it never seemed like we had time to think or talk about it. It just happened really fast.