charlotte... Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 a few days ago my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. i kno its entirely my fault and im trying to put on a brave face. reason for break-up: in june i sleapt with his best friend, it was awful i hated it, i cried the whole way through. it was his first time. i wanted to come clean to him straight away, it killed me to lie to him, but i was manipulated into keeping it hiden and the other man was being coward and couldnt face up to what he had done. in the end the other man told my boyfriend in order to clear himself. i was so angry. i cant deal with knowing what i did. i love him more than anything. he says he cant bare to look at me and never wants anything to do with me and cant believe how much time he wasted on me. im so hurt by his harsh words eventhough i know i deserve them. Link to comment
Yodabell Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 This is probably a good lesson for you for the future. If you love someone, don't cheat on them. Why did you sleep with his best friend? Your concern isn't why the other guy can't face up to what he did, you need to face up to why you did it when you would have realised it would hurt your boyfriend. Give him lots of time and space, he will be really hurting at the moment. Give him a sincere apology, because you truly are sorry not because you want him back. And then leave him alone for a few months. Link to comment
Dragunov-21 Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Hoo boy... I won't lie, you messed up pretty bad, and from the sounds of it there's not much hope for you two... Why did you let it happen, especially if you hated it? You can PM me if it's too personal a question... As far as blame goes, no it shouldn't have happened, but I'm wondering if(hoping, perhaps) that there's a little more to the story... I think you may have to accept that it's over, move on, and learn from the mistake. I'm sorry. PM if you need. Link to comment
jcrisph Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 I wouldnt take you back either. Thats probably one of the worst things you can do is sleep with his best friend of all people. Link to comment
charlotte... Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 i dont know why i did it. thats the sad thruth. i guess just because ive never had anyone else befor and he told me everything i wanted to hear, said i was georgous and how amazing i was. its not like my boyfriend never did that but not as much as i had maybe liked him to cuz im a very insecure person. yodabell: i tried to appolgise and all i got in relpy was, dont waste ur time appolgising to me, it makes no difference, i havent said anything to him since. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 I'm sorry. Most of the time if someone breaks up with you becuase you cheated, they don't come back, especially if you cheated on him with his best friend. He will see that as a huge betrayal and feel like he can never trust you again. Have you considered some counseling to examine why you'd even do that to begin with (cheat on him)? That might be the best thing for you to do right now rather than chasing after him. Link to comment
charlotte... Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 ive got an oppointment with a counsellor on friday. i cant loose him. i kno ur all telling me he wont come back but i cant take it in, i just cant deal with it. Link to comment
Karmageddon Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 I have kind of an odd question for you...Is he still friends with his "best" friend?? Link to comment
charlotte... Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 i think so. i dont think hes quite got his head round it all yet, but i know he will accept his friends mistake. Link to comment
needs Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 I'm curious of why you did it too. My ex did this to me (not my best friend) but she kept saying she didn't know why she did it, it was a mistake. Well I never made that mistake because I loved her. So was there something the best friend had that your bf didn't to make you sleep with him? You need to figure that out before anything here. Just because someone tells you that your pretty doesn't mean you should sleep with them. You say your insecure but by doing this your insecurities will only get much worse. Link to comment
charlotte... Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 i cant think of a reason, i think thats the wrose bit. he said he loved me and i believed it, i kno my boyfriend loved me so much. i suppose i was going through a kinda rough patch at the time just feeling lonely and he was there for me. Link to comment
Karmageddon Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 i think so. i dont think hes quite got his head round it all yet, but i know he will accept his friends mistake. I have always found that odd. How someones best friend and confidant will break a very definate "unwritten" rule which is ....Best friends don't sleep with your b/f or g/f. And yet they continue to be "best friends" after the fact??? In many ways I would find that indescretion from my best friend, more hurtful than the cheating s/o. Why are they granted pardons? Link to comment
Cuppedia Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 If you are ready to ignore your commitment to another person the moment somebody else tells you "I love you" then you are not ready for a relationship. I can imagine you must feel really bad and that you want to fix things but there's a limit to what you can do and I believe you already reached it, you explained your ex what happened and now it's up to him if he forgives or not. It's not a test to see how valuable you are (based on his response), you are important regardless of what happens with him. Work on your self esteem, do things to improve yourself and the image you have of who you are, learn from what happened and try to get at least something positive out of it. Link to comment
charlotte... Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 how could i have been so stupid... Link to comment
Cuppedia Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Putting yourself down is not going to get you anywhere, we all make mistakes but learning from them is what makes a difference. Link to comment
Aviatormy Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 I would say that it is best to try and learn from your mistakes and move on. It is not fair for you to try and keep a relationship with him after betraying him is the most irresponsible and unloving way possible. I would NEVER talk to you again if you had done this to me. He may forgive his friend but he should never talk to you again. You did the most selfish and worst thing imaginable to him and you need to leave him alone so he can find a woman that really loves him and one that would not sleep with other men just because they are "nice" and say nice things to her. Please do yourself and other men a favor and do not get into a commited relationship until you are 10000000% sure that you can keep your intamacy to just him or yourself. "opening" yourself up to other men is fine as long as you are single and there are no strings attached. Seems like you want to live the single life and fool around more than you want a relationship. I feel sorry for your ex. I know what it is like to be cheated on. I also know what it is like to have that horrible person try to stay in your life after doing so. I was much happier once she stopped calling me and dropped out of my life COMPLETELY. Link to comment
Dragunov-21 Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 "opening" yourself up to other men is fine as long as you are single and there are no strings attached. Seems like you want to live the single life and fool around more than you want a relationship. I don't think that's true, she's not after flings, and tbh I think the self flaggelation and loss of her boyfriend will be punishment enough... She made a terrible decision and now they're both paying for it, and she has to live with that, I don't think anything any of us can say anything to make her feel any worse, nor should we. Just my opinion, though, charlotte, I do agree with Avia about leaving your him alone, at least until (if) he contacts you. You made a mistake, live and learn. Link to comment
Aviatormy Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 I don't think that's true, and tbh I think the self flaggelation and loss of her boyfriend will be punishment enough... She made a terrible decision and now they're both paying for it, and she has to live with that, I don't think anything any of us can say anything to make her feel any worse, nor should we. Just my opinion, but. Well I see where you are coming from but she really needs to hear this from others as well. She needs to hear how upset it makes people that do not even know her so she can really grasp how bad it is making him feel. I was really damaged for a couple weeks after finding out that my ex had cheated on me. I used to think the world of her but after she had cheated on me, I wished her dead. (at least until I was able to get over it that is). I hope she is alive and well now but I hope that her cheating on me haunts her for a long time. I hope Karma hits her and she finds the love of her life and then a year down the road she finds out he cheated on her. Link to comment
insofar Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Stop trying to get him back and move on when you're ready. Good for the friend for telling him first when you wouldn't. Good for him for apparently forgiving the friend. Sadly, logical for him to stay the hell away from you. You tried to work it out, he's not interested. Move on. Link to comment
charlotte... Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 how can he just stop loving me over it? i kno hes hurt i feel so aweful for what ive done to him. i havent been hassling him, im giving him time and space, but in doing so im falling apart i cant live without him, theres no point, i have nothing left to live for. Link to comment
Mayday11 Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 how can he just stop loving me over it? Ummm...you cheated on him. That's quite often a stake through the heart of any sort of loving relationship. i kno hes hurt i feel so aweful for what ive done to him. i havent been hassling him, im giving him time and space, but in doing so im falling apart i cant live without him, theres no point, i have nothing left to live for. I'm really sorry for what you're going through, but to be honest, he's probably going through much worse. Hate to say it, but of all the relationships I've seen that ended due to cheating, the large majority of them never reconciled. In fact, in the large majority of them, the person that was cheated on has a lot of resentment for the cheater that never really goes away. Only in one of these relationships have I seen a reconciliation (that also resulted in a recent marriage) and only one have I seen the two eventually able to be friends again. All the rest, it was the end for good. Hopefully you'll learn a lesson from this and never cheat on anyone again. Link to comment
charlotte... Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 i cant let this be the end for good... Link to comment
Zeitgeist Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 i cant let this be the end for good... I'm truly sorry for what's happened, because I believe that you really don't know why you did it, but I'm afraid that this relationship's end is not up to you. The best thing for you to do at this point is to figure out why you would do something like this. It seems that even in spite of what's happened, you are far more concerned about losing him than how he might be feeling about being betrayed by his GF. With his best friend no less. It doesn't sound like you quite get just how bad that is beyond the fact that you've lost him. Anyhow, you need to figure out why you cheated on him. First of all, I doubt very much that it's because you didn't love him or that it even has anything to do with him. I suspect it has a lot more to do with your self-esteem and that you couldn't feel secure enough being loved by just one person. Your self-esteem appears to require outside validation. I'm going to hazard a guess that you have essentially never been without a relationship since your very first relationship. A friend of mine has a theory that people who never have spent time alone (without a relationship) never get to know themselves, and thus always define themselves through a relationship. Thus, their self-esteem then becomes dependent on someone else for validation and strength. Naturally, the other person will not be able to be there for that validation 24/7, so in those moments of "weakness", the person turns to the closest available person for a self-esteem boost. That sounds to me like what's going on here. It also is why I'm guessing you have spent very little time on your own without a relationship. It also explains why you are more concerned about losing him than how he's feeling. The source of strength for your self-esteem has just been cut off. Just a theory, and I wonder if it applies here. Link to comment
fire_starter Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 how can he just stop loving me over it? i kno hes hurt i feel so aweful for what ive done to him. i havent been hassling him, im giving him time and space, but in doing so im falling apart i cant live without him, theres no point, i have nothing left to live for. He probably hasn't completely stopped loving you, but his feelings towards you and how he views you as a human being will have completely changed. Just try to put yourself in his shoes and be completely honest...if he cheated on you with your best friend, do you truly think that you could just forgive him that easily and get back with him? Probably not. Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Dear oh, dear... I will not chastise you for what you did, as I CAN, and am willing understand where your folly of a foolish decision to sleep with your man's best friend came from. You being in a relationship where you haven't really been romantically involved with anyone else can make room for this sort of thing to tale its course. Not to mention the fact that you were in some ways swept off your feet by someone other than your man. Had this been a woman who've had many a relationships prior to their current one, they would have stepped off the relationship and asked for "space". And then resumed to date this other person in discreet - perhaps - and things could go from there. BUT the possible upset to having a fling with their man's BEST FRIEND would detract most from EVER taking this bold step to begin with, let alone requesting space! I am willing to believe that you were swept off your feet by your ex's charmer of a friend, and having not had that kind of a attraction from anyone else apart from your man can get your emotions and indeed hormones running wild. The fact that this chappy acted on telling his best mate first has placed you in a worse situation than it otherwise would have been had YOU confronted your fears and told him yourself in person. This to your ex demonstrates one thing... you INTENTIONALLY wanted to keep this away from him!! AND, that's what's also killing him. His friend is in the clear (more or less) because he seems remorseful of his actions by coming clean first... Personally I think your man's a farking idiot for forgiving his friend and not you... considering your inexperience and your neediness to be loved and how genuinely remorseful you are. What your best bet now is to really leave him alone and to get your own issues sorted out first and foremost! If you have had a rough childhood, absentee father/mother, abandonment or other deeper core issues then you seriously need to seek outside help on this so as to prevent any sabotage to your future relationships! This is a grave mistake on your part there's no doubt about that, I will not make excuses for you, but knowing and understanding your situation which you were in I am willing to understand your mistakes. It stems from a much deeper place than what's shown on the exterior. So to recap, leave your ex to boil on his disappointment and hurt... you in the mean time work on yourself. If you want to speak to me in private you can always PM me, I've gone through a relationship where my ex has cheated on me... multiple times, and I forgave her, even though she wasn't remorseful for her actions and has now upped and left me for good. She's ONLY ever sorry for being caught. Work on yourself, you are NOT a BAD person, know that first, alright? Not a bad person. We all make mistakes, most of us have not had the chance to cheat that's all... sometimes emotions and our actions are so over powering that we give in... it's this giving in part that many cannot control. He still loves you, in fact he realizes he loves you even more now because he's victimizing himself for being angry of this ultimate betrayal. To which he has every reason to be. Being a victim in his case everything is heightened... Stay well and look after yourself, and please work on you!! He is no more... If he is to forgive you he may contact you, so until that day comes you should say away from him, and stay away from his best friend as well. DO NOT attempt to have him as a go between you and your ex. This WILL MAKE matters worse no matter what your intentions. At this early a stage of this mess up, the last thing you should be thinking about is will he take me back. He may not... so you have to live with that for now while you focus on being the better person... This you MUST DO otherwise the events of this break up will repeat in the course of your future relationships and it is NOT something you're gonna enjoy going through... I hope. Link to comment
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