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Would it be wrong of me to ask...


rgm1266

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My g/f and I have been dating for about 9 months or so. We've had our ups and downs just like anyonw else. We've talked about marriage and are engaged now. I have one MAJOR problem in our relationship. She is still friends with her ex b/f. They talk several times a week. I don't feel threatened, I just feel like it's disrespecting our relationship.

 

When we started dating and then got into a committed relationship, I cut off communication with all ex g/f and lovers. There's an old saying, "Ex's are ex's for a reason." I've brought it up before and she gets so defensive about it. I've tried to talk to her in a cool and calm way. But she always gets upset and then it turns into an argument. She tells me that he's been there for her for 3 years and he's a good friend. So are you telling me that his friendship or 3 years or more important than the next 30 years with your husband? My thing is a true friend would understand and respect a person's relationship and would want the best for her/him.

 

I've decided to talk to her this Wed and express to her that if she's talking about a future with me, then your ex b'f is not going to be a part of our future. If he's going to be, then I'm not in your plans!!

 

Am I being unreasonable about this? I don't mind her having male friends. But guys she use to be intimate with or her ex b/f's, there shouldn't be calling or communicating. I can deal with every once in a while (1 time a month or every other month). But not several times a week.

 

Please help!!!

Thanks

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Yes, you are being unreasonable. You do not express in your post that you have any reason to distrust her, or any suspicions that that she is being unfaithful. Fine, exes are exes for a reason, but they were also one-time partners for a reason, too. Relationships should be founded on friendship, common ground, and shared values and I will assume that her relationship with her ex was one of such. Just because they decided they were not a romantic match, why should she have to end a friendship?

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I don't feel threatened, I just feel like it's disrespecting our relationship.

 

That's the point right there - if you don't feel threatened, and you trust her completely, you have no right to ask that she break off contact (which from a practical standpoint is what you're asking).

 

I understand where you're coming from, but I know from personal experience that being told to choose between friend and SO is one of the most horrible experiences you can be put through (I'm very close to my friends).

 

TBH, if it was an issue, I feel it's one that should've been brought up long before you got engaged.

 

My advice would be to just let it slide, if you don't feel threatened and it's just a principle thing, do you really want to hurt her over it? As long as it's 100% appropriate, it's really no big deal.

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try to see things from her point of view. is there a reason they still talk? are they coworkers or work in the same field or something? why did the relationship break up? if they broke up because he's gay or something, then you don't have to worry at all. who did the breaking up? do you think she is still carrying a torch for him? if it's just 100% friendship, and that's it, then i think you might want to chill out. telling her she can't talk to a platonic friend seems kind of controlling.

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ultimatum = BAAAAAAD

 

you need to figure out if there is a reason you actually feel threatened. If its a legit friendship then no worries. But i can understand your discomfort but dude if she really loves you and isnt holding a torch or going over to his place late at night then no worries... Maybe you could even try to befriend him and figure out his intentions. who knows might find yourself a friend too??

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I totally understand everyone's point of view. I don't want to seem controlling on this issue. But at one time, he was calling her late night and asking her some questions like do you still want me? Do you still think about me? And stuff like that. I thought he was disrespecting our relationship. Then at one time, she was going out of town and wanted to stay at his house for 3 days or so. Now how many of you would let your SO stay at an Ex's house?

 

Maybe I used the wrong word and said I feel threathened. For me, it's not about trusting her, I just don't trust him. I think it's just not cool to call several times a week. I can understand and deal with a call every now and then to checkup and see how WE are doing. But not every day!!!

 

I will take everyone's advice and just go with the flow and not make her choose between the 2 of us.

 

Thanks for the advice!!

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Really, hasn't your girlfriend/fiance brought this friend of hers up on many occasions?

 

Like "Pay my bills or else I'll have to live with so and so?"

 

You have discussed this guy with her before. She's not willing to budge. I think the true question is "Do you want to marry this lady...?" And, "Can you tolerate her close friendship with this guy?" Not if you should talk to her. Because she's proven time and time again that he is important to her.

 

P.S. I think you're crazy if you're paying all this chics bills!

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Really, hasn't your girlfriend/fiance brought this friend of hers up on many occasions?

 

Like "Pay my bills or else I'll have to live with so and so?"

 

You have discussed this guy with her before. She's not willing to budge. I think the true question is "Do you want to marry this lady...?" And, "Can you tolerate her close friendship with this guy?" Not if you should talk to her. Because she's proven time and time again that he is important to her.

 

P.S. I think you're crazy if you're paying all this chics bills!

 

Didn't realise that... Sorry dude, consider my advice severely recanted...

 

That's... not cool, not cool at all...

 

Staying overnight at the house of the ex who still asks her inappropriate questions who she uses to try and make you jealous and blackmail money out of you?!

 

Um... How much do you love this girl?

 

While it doesn't suggest cheating, it's not on to use her relationship with her ex as blackmail.

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