ButterflyWrists Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 ....before you make that first cut remember: You will enjoy this. You will find the blood and pain release addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep, And will heal easily ... They will get deeper. They will scar. They will sometimes take months to heal. And years for the scars to fade. If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body, Think again... It will spread when you run out of skin. Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever to live .... You will find yourself lying to the people you love. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt, or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched. Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100....Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting ..cutting and covering up cutting. And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep." And you freak out because the blood won't stop... And you are gasping.... And you feel yourself shaking all over. You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone. So you sit there alone... Praying it will be ok swearing you'll never let it go this far again... But you will, and further. Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER. And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get. You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20, 30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy. You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order. Butterfly strips... 3 or four different kinds of dressings... Betadine.... Antibiotic cream.. Medical tape.. Scar reducers..... You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things. And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice... Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies... Someone who understands but of course that never happens. Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on. Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe... Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots... gloves.. the list goes on and on. You will start looking at everyone in a different way... Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI... Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone. You wont even think about it .. As your eyes scan their wrists + arms... Hoping just hoping they will be like you.... But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone. You will start doing a lot of things alone. You will always have to wash your laundry in private so know one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will always be cleaning up the blood.. Scrubbing your bathroom floor... Wiping the blood of your keyboard... You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting.... Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies. When you get really desperate anything will be a cutting tool ...scissors...a car key...a needle ... a paperclip..even a pen. Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something. Say goodbye to things you took for granted. Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops. A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you. Get ready to itch. Because you will itch and itch ..."so much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease." You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.. You will dream about cutting... you will dream about being exposed. It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting... At the same time, you love it and can't live with out it... Link to comment
Raiden1044 Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 I appreciate the sentiment of this poem...writing...whatever it is. I don't like it when my friends cut, but I have to say while some of this is absolutely true. I feel I must state my distaste for the over-exaguration of how bad it will get. You say it as though if I cut myself once I'm going to be addicted for life or if a friend cuts more than once they're going to cover their entire bodies in scars. The fact is, some of my friends have cut for years and guess what? They didn't go to far. No I don't like it and I wish they'd stop. But this is like telling people they're going to die from one joint of marijuana, it simply isn't true and a huge overstatement. Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 i think its an overstatment too. i found it on another forum suicideforum. and thought i would post it, to discourage people from starting. Link to comment
Darkness_Falls Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 I don't think it's an over statement for some people. I would say this reflects me in quite a few ways. I didn't know that the first cut would mean that I am still cutting almost 10 years later. I moved to different parts of my body, changed my wardobe, felt ashamed, went to deep a few times... I think it really can be addictive. Link to comment
amure Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 i guess it all depends on how compulsive your personality is. but this seems to make sense. i usually dont care if people see though, i make them look like it happened on accident. Link to comment
girl friend Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Lol i posted this poem years ago in self-injury resources, author unknown i was trying to find out who wrote it. I think its brilliant, if rather hardcore. Link to comment
Pocket Rocket Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Although this is a 'worst case scenario' it is honest and happens to way too many people. I certainly identify with a lot of it, even though my SI stopped short of getting very out of hand and I have stopped now for four years. If it stops at least one person from starting, job well done. Link to comment
No One Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 You honestly think that this is a choice like deciding what color coat to wear? The scars that I put on the outside are only a pale reflection of those inside. You think that I want this? Maybe I'll stop one day; but, it beats a noose.... Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted May 27, 2009 Author Share Posted May 27, 2009 I self harm to, and all that is pretty much true, but once you get addicted it isn't so much a choice. Link to comment
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