do you have false hope?

[becca55]

Is anyone have this strong feeling in their hearts that their lover will come back to them? No matter what circumstances they are in right now?

 

I have this huge feeling that my love will come back to me. But I am afraid that he will come back broken more then when when we broke up. But now that I am working on all my problems, I know how to help him get through his demons if he come back to me.

 

I think I am going crazy. Because thats all i am thinking about. That he will be back. And that we will work through everything, and that our love will be better then ever. I am even planning our future and researching out things...

 

Holy crap!! I really have gone crazy, Im in denial lol

 

lol help!

[leo_s84]

Hey it's alright, we all go through it. And yes, it is denial, but with time it will go away

[abriellek]

I just keep thinking that because we dated so long, he must still love me and care about me. But he doesn't. And I constantly try to understand why. It's painful and destructive but I don't know what to do.

[Dragunov-21]

Most of us have been there, I think...

 

It does go away once you start to heal and move on, but as you must know, it's hell on earth while you're still in that manic he'll-be-right-back-I'd-better-get-things-ready-for-when-he-is stage...

 

I hope you move on soon, I know how bad it can be

[coldplay.]

I feel like that often... I think to myself how can she just never talk to me again, and how can it really be over. Sometimes i allow myself to think that maybe she thinks about me from time to time, and that everything is gonna be alright...

[atelis]

i'm there right now. it's slowly eating away at me. i wish i could move on once and for all

[coloradio]

Everything you all have said describes my emotions exactly. She has made it plainly clear that she is finished with us, and just wants to be friends. But I have this inkling that she is just saying because she's still hot-headed about our problems we had.

[veneratio]

I usually feel like that after I've dated someone and it didn't turn out how I wanted it or just when I realize the connection that we once shared. Horrible feeling once you realize it's just that, false hope. Only time can make it go away. Or maybe it just gets better with time.

[Kahdeksan]

Well, in all honesty if we didn't have a small idealization of a false hope tucked away in our heart somewhere then there could be something wrong with us. Considering the fact when we've been through a long term relationship only to come out of it cold and completely void less.

 

To some extent this can also apply for dumpers too, and when I was one, I know I had a false hope for my ex then to change her ways and I'd get back with her... but that never got us anywhere.

 

I used to hold onto false hope for my current ex returning, but in time I realized how much of a folly all that was when I became more aware of myself and needs.

 

So it's safe to say we're all united on this front.

[pumpkinmoon]

Is anyone have this strong feeling in their hearts that their lover will come back to them? No matter what circumstances they are in right now?

 

I have this huge feeling that my love will come back to me. But I am afraid that he will come back broken more then when when we broke up. But now that I am working on all my problems, I know how to help him get through his demons if he come back to me.

 

I think I am going crazy. Because thats all i am thinking about. That he will be back. And that we will work through everything, and that our love will be better then ever. I am even planning our future and researching out things...

 

Holy crap!! I really have gone crazy, Im in denial lol

 

lol help!

 

 

How long have you been broken up?

 

I had exactly the same feeling. I went around in circles in my head. One minute I thought he would never come back and it would upset me and other times I was convinces he would. I always had this odd feeling deep down that he would come back, it was really weird, then 4 months later he did only to dump me again in the same kind of way 2 months later.

 

I kind of have that feeling again but I am not sure if it is very rational this time. I don't know if the feeling is valid or if I just think he will come back because he did before. I am trying not to think about it at this point and just get on with my life as best as I can. A big part of me hopes he doesn't come back again because I am not sure I will be strong enough to turn him away and that scares me because I KNOW I could do so much better and I don't think he has the ability to make me happy. I can't really imagine spending the rest of my life with him.

 

I do know though that there is nothing at all you can do to make them come back. The best way is just to continue working on yourself and healing. They have to come back because they want to. If there are going to come back it will just happen on it's own really.

[Nearwater]

I agree with kadesksan,

 

I still have that hope every minute. I see my ex regretting her choice and missing the great life she had with me.

 

"You don't know what you got till it's gone" can work for dumpers too I think.

 

I am going to continue to improve myself and give her a few more months, then all bets are off.

[Star14]

I agree with kadesksan,

 

I still have that hope every minute. I see my ex regretting her choice and missing the great life she had with me.

 

"You don't know what you got till it's gone" can work for dumpers too I think.

 

I am going to continue to improve myself and give her a few more months, then all bets are off.

 

I used to do that too. But after being told he never loved me and never thought about being together anyway, I really do not have much to say/think anymore.

[denise_14]

false hopes? i've got a lot of that. even if the whole world slaps the "move on" word onto my face, i simply just can't.

[kuhl282000]

link removed

 

 

this will help you ...listen to it all ....kick back and relax and just listen

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This is called wishful or magical thinking. Children do this a lot, as do humans in general when they are under stress or in times of crisis.

 

It is a way of giving meaning and order, and serves as a psychological buffer/protection to shield from the emotional pain and stress, in this case a breakup. If something is too much to bear emotionally, the mind just refuses to accept it for a while as a protective device, and generates these kinds of thoughts/feelings as a bridge til the mind has adjusted to it.

 

These feelings will eventually diminish as the person is more able to cope.

 

And it doesn't mean the person will or won't come back, but that is independent of the person's emotions who keeps having the 'meant to be' feelings.

 

What happens initially is the person can't believe the breakup, so they switch to magical thinking that the relationship was meant to be, hence the person will come back hence they get comfort from that idea.

 

But eventually if the person doesn't come back, but they get more used to the idea, they may switch to the idea that the breakup itself has some meaning or was meant to be, as in 'this breakup happened because we both needed to change something about ourselves and this will give us time to do that.'

 

Then when the person still doesn't come back, it shifts to 'this breakup has taught me a lot.' Maybe this person and breakup was meant to teach me something.

 

Then they eventually accept that it is over and move on.

 

So if the breakup is just too scary and threatening, the magical thinking serves as a bridge to help them ease out of the relationship, though they perceive the thinking as 100% true, until the evidence/reality gradually over time makes it impossible for the magical thinking to still carry on.

 

The most extreme forms of magical thinking are delusion, while the milder forms are having hopes even though the evidence is very strong to the contrary.

 

So it is a helpful short term mental strategy to survive a devastating emotional blow, but in healthy people it eventually gives way to accepting reality and giving up false hopes, but in emotionally unhealthy people it will turn into longer term delusion and psychiatric problems.

[yankeefan74]

I had hope for a few weeks. It had really started to disappear...I was coping well, moving on...doing what I needed to do to heal.

 

Then two things happened - one, "she" told me she was getting married next year...10 weeks after our breakup she decided she knew a different person well enough to say yes to his proposal. That hurt, but I bounced back rather well from it.

 

However, this past friday, she was fighting with him, and part of it had to do with me. She defended me when he picked on me for whatever reason...don't know the whole story, but they barely spoke all day. She ignored him when he called her, and she basically ran to me and spent at least a half hour talking with me, flirting with me, telling me she loved me.

 

EVen though I KNEW exactly what was happening and why, it was as if i was seeing and hearing everything I'd wanted to see and hear since I found out there was someone new in her life. I was powerless to stop it. I lived off that high probably all weekend.

 

But monday morning is here - she had a good weekend with him, she's in a great mood...and that's that. Nothing changed. She just had a fight with the guy, was feeling insecure, and I provided the reassurance to her until they two of them could make up.

 

Stupid me.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Yankee, have you considered cutting contact with her? Do you even want to be with the type of person who would have a fight with her fiance, then run to another man and talk about loving him, then run back to the fiance again?

 

At best that is extremely immature, and more likely she's very selfish and self centered and loving having two men on a string.

 

She just isn't a good long term prospect for you from any perspective, nor someone you can trust. You would be far better just closing that door and moving on.

[Mayday11]

Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with hoping or believing that your ex will return one day. As long as you understand that it's merely hope and belief and not a reflection of today's reality. I wouldn't be planning out things for you and your ex to do upon reconciliation or anything like that, because that moves beyond hope and belief and goes into denial of the facts.

 

Besides, at this point, my hope of reconciliation with my ex is just as valid and realistic as my hope that I'll find someone else that I can love just as much. My ex hasn't expressed any clear signals to reconcile, but at the same time, I haven't met another girl that I have been very attracted to. So, as it stands today, I have a 0% chance of reconciling with my ex and I also have a 0% chance of finding a different girlfriend that I can love with all my heart.

 

In other words, I currently have absolutely zero girls that I am interested in right now, so if I have hope and belief that I'll find a great girl to start a relationship with, isn't this hope just as false right now?

 

Personally, my hope has actually become much more broad. My hope is that one day I'll find someone who I'll be incredibly happy with, no matter who that is. If it's my ex, great. If it's someone else, great. But, as it stands right now, both are just hope and not necessarily based off of anything concrete. Still, it's better than being hopeless and believing that I'll never find love again with anybody.

[yankeefan74]

Yankee, have you considered cutting contact with her? Do you even want to be with the type of person who would have a fight with her fiance, then run to another man and talk about loving him, then run back to the fiance again?

 

At best that is extremely immature, and more likely she's very selfish and self centered and loving having two men on a string.

 

She just isn't a good long term prospect for you from any perspective, nor someone you can trust. You would be far better just closing that door and moving on.

 

The door is pretty much shut...but I work with her, and things occasionally come up that I'd rather not talk about. We might go several weeks just saying hello, but as time passes...we both sort of figure the past is the past and we can talk about anything. It doesn't work. lol

 

She is selfish...but that's just a symptom of her incredible abandonment fears. There are other problems as well, she's very insecure about a lot of things...all of which means that she really doesn't commit to someone so much as she clings to someone.

[cat_lady]

Bestrong is correct about how you move from stage to stage of hope and it gradually grows less.

 

I think it depends on how much effort you put into getting over the person - it has taken me a while b/c while everyone was telling me to get over it I refuse to for when he would come back. I was so delusional I started dating someone else right away so that when he came back I could shove it in his face.. Then it just got to be too much and I had to force myself to get over it.

 

I think that in many ways getting over someone doesn't come naturally to some people, like me, so I've been attacking it more like a smoking habit recently. I wanna indulge in self-pity and be miserable and think daydream about our reconciliation - but thats lighting the cigarette, and as soon as I am aware that I am going down that path I remind myself I'm trying to quit.

 

I also think that writing things down, like on this forums, helps a lot. At least, when I get that itch to do something rash or break NC, I make a post and by the time I respond to everyone that itch is gone for now. I've learned the hardway that if you try to do it all by yourself, you will go back to smoking, or breaking NC, and you'll just feel worse about yourself afterwards.

[coloradio]

That's very true, the people on these forums have helped me immensely. Who knows what kind of state I would be in if it weren't for these posters and their wisdom.

[coldplay.]

That is a great way to look at it mayday, specifically how it stays in keeping with your NC philosophy.

 

Saying that your ex isnt someone "special" they are another person like anyone else, and if there is hope for reconciliation you need to accept that or you will never move on. Accepting them as a person is not just letting go, i believe its respecting them; many times people, myself included, believe that they are more. Which creates a whole slew of problems.

 

I mean if you looked at it, if anyone treated any girl anything more or less than a person, you would find themselves alone often.

 

my two cents.

[coloradio]

That is a great way to look at it mayday, specifically how it stays in keeping with your NC philosophy.

 

Saying that your ex isnt someone "special" they are another person like anyone else, and if there is hope for reconciliation you need to accept that or you will never move on. Accepting them as a person is not just letting go, i believe its respecting them; many times people, myself included, believe that they are more. Which creates a whole slew of problems.

 

I mean if you looked at it, if anyone treated any girl anything more or less than a person, they would find themselves alone often.

 

my two cents.

 

That's true, putting a dumper on a pedestal often makes it incredibly hard to move on.

 

Just keep telling yourself, "I will be fine without them."

[bepositive]

Yep, I've had plenty of false hope. And for now, my ex is happily moving on with her new life, and it's tough to take. I just try to keep doing my thing.

[Jay_Bird]

we only dated for 4 months

 

so I don't know,I kind of doubt it

 

 

4 months together and 3 months of being boyfriend/girlfriend without the label on it

 

the week before she hooked up with the other guy,me and her was hanging out kissing (we are very sexually atttracted to each other)

 

 

maybe she doesn't know what she wants right now.............

 

I notice all the time,she would tell me,I wasn't the same person she met,when we first hooked up........

 

 

I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks,and I am feeling so much better,I know when it becomes a month,I will be over here

 

for some reason I can get over people quick