has anyone ever told the other woman's husband about the affair?

[createhappiness]

has anyone been cheated on and confronted the SO or spouse of the other person your SO or spouse cheated with? i think about doing it sometimes. i know how i would be able to get the OW's husband's contact info. i think he should know since he just got married to her and the affair between my ex bf and her started within months before they got married! he should know about her wrongdoings, but i'm not sure i should be the one to do it. is it my place? is this wrong? should i let it be and let karma take it's course?

[CallingAllAngels]

I know exactly how you feel.

 

My exhusband cheated on me just 2 years into our marriage with a married woman. BELIEVE ME I wanted to destroy her little story book marriage. She had 3 small children and a husband.

 

But I didn't do it. The affair destroyed my marriage, and I thought "I don't want to be responsible for wrecking her marriage."

 

Here's my thoughts...what goes around comes around. Karma will get her and her "story book" life. I did not want to be responsible for having those children come from a broken home. She'll eventually get hers on her own, and the guilt won't have to lie on my shoulders.

 

Let Karma get her. Again...what goes around comes around.

 

My best to you.

 

~Allie

[just M.E.]

Allie has very wise words here, not much will be gained and there is risk of so many harmful emotions to come out. Take the high road, like allie says, What goes around comes around .....

[monkey123]

once a cheater always a cheater, shes gonna do it again, and its just a matter of time before she gets caught. If u tell him u might just spead up the process for him. But im young, i could be wrong.

[Kalika]

I think Allie is right, but I would counter the opinions here. His is a new marriage, he has no kids, and it might be better if he knew the truth before did have a few kids with this woman and THEN found out she's a cheater. It's so early that he could maybe have the marriage annulled. Then again, if he wants to stay in the marriage, that's his choice too.

 

This is one of the very few situations where I would condone telling the cheater's spouse.

[createhappiness]

I know exactly how you feel.

 

Here's my thoughts...what goes around comes around. Karma will get her and her "story book" life. I did not want to be responsible for having those children come from a broken home. She'll eventually get hers on her own, and the guilt won't have to lie on my shoulders.

 

Let Karma get her. Again...what goes around comes around.

 

My best to you.

 

~Allie

 

Thanks Allie, and Just M.E. You're right in that I should keep my composure, take the high road, and let Karma get her (and my EX) down the road. I think if I were to do it, I would be getting a lot of grief from her, my ex, etc. and give them more fuel to make me look like a crazy jealous woman out for revenge. I'm not going to go there. THEY will be the ones to deal with this mess. But that poor husband of hers... At least i'm already OUT of the situation. If he doesn't know already, he better brace himself for a whole world of hurt I wish I could somehow help him... but I don't think me being the one to tell him about her affair is right - for ME to do.

[monkey123]

I think Allie is right, but I would counter the opinions here. His is a new marriage, he has no kids, and it might be better if he knew the truth before did have a few kids with this woman and THEN found out she's a cheater. It's so early that he could maybe have the marriage annulled. Then again, if he wants to stay in the marriage, that's his choice too.

 

This is one of the very few situations where I would condone telling the cheater's spouse.

 

 

i agree, he would rather know early in the marriage then later

[createhappiness]

I think Allie is right, but I would counter the opinions here. His is a new marriage, he has no kids, and it might be better if he knew the truth before did have a few kids with this woman and THEN found out she's a cheater. It's so early that he could maybe have the marriage annulled. Then again, if he wants to stay in the marriage, that's his choice too.

 

This is one of the very few situations where I would condone telling the cheater's spouse.

 

Kalika, yes you are right in that they have no kids and since the marriage is so recent, getting annulled would be easier for him. I think he should know, I really do - I just don't want to be the one to do it... it's not my place. I don't want to be involved in this mess any longer....

[CallingAllAngels]

Thanks Allie, and Just M.E. You're right in that I should keep my composure, take the high road, and let Karma get her (and my EX) down the road. I think if I were to do it, I would be getting a lot of grief from her, my ex, etc. and give them more fuel to make me look like a crazy jealous woman out for revenge. I'm not going to go there. THEY will be the ones to deal with this mess. But that poor husband of hers... At least out already OUT of the situation. If he doesn't know already, he better brace himself for a whole world of hurt

 

You really are doing the right thing. Believe me...cheaters always get caught. For all you know, he already knows. No need for you to get yourself involved in an ugly mess.

 

My best...

 

~Allie

[monkey123]

u should send him a letter, that way he might get it, he might not. Just send it and forget it. Ur duty is done.

[Sweet Venus]

has anyone been cheated on and confronted the SO or spouse of the other person your SO or spouse cheated with? i think about doing it sometimes. i know how i would be able to get the OW's husband's contact info. i think he should know since he just got married to her and the affair between my ex bf and her started within months before they got married! he should know about her wrongdoings, but i'm not sure i should be the one to do it. is it my place? is this wrong? should i let it be and let karma take it's course?

 

I understand why you feel this way...but here is the thing. Even if you do tell the OP's spouse, they may not really care. Or they may and just choose

to look the other way. IMO it is the cheating person's place to tell their spouse about their affair. I understand the whole need for revenge.I am

getting out of an affair myself...and as much as I hate the fact that I was involved with a MM I would never dream of telling her about the A. That is HIS place. Not mine. To hurt someone who has never done anything to me is just pointless. And I don;t buy into the whole "she would want to know" thing. No one can say that for sure. I think it varies from person to person, and what would destroy one person may not affect another. Just my POV.

[createhappiness]

u should send him a letter, that way he might get it, he might not. Just send it and forget it. Ur duty is done.

 

tempting, monkey, very tempting to send a letter.... maybe even an anonymous one...

 

as much as i want her to deal with the consequences of disrespecting her VOWS of truth and commitment to her husband (my god, she is completely screwed up, i can't even believe she went through with the marriage when she had been seeing my ex days before she flies of to her wedding! it's so screwed up!) i'm gonna bow out of this mess.

 

if someday i bump into the married couple on the street, something just might slip out my mouth, just to give him a clue... and to make her uncomfortable... not that i haven't been thinking about this scenario or anything

[createhappiness]

To hurt someone who has never done anything to me is just pointless.

 

she's never done anything to you, yet you are "HURTING" her indirectly by sleeping with her husband... sorry... i just had to say it. i don't like cheating. it's evil.

[CallingAllAngels]

she's never done anything to you, yet you are "HURTING" her indirectly by sleeping with her husband... sorry... i just had to say it. i don't like cheating. it's evil.

 

true...yet the husband never did anything to you...remember that. that's what i kept in the back of my mind.

 

you really are doing the right thing by not telling. I applaud you.

[Sweet Venus]

she's never done anything to you, yet you are "HURTING" her indirectly by sleeping with her husband... sorry... i just had to say it. i don't like cheating. it's evil.

 

Yes...I agree I WAS hurting the wife. .I am ending the affair. I know it's always easier to blame the OW or OM..and not your own cheating spouse, but it is the married person who made the vows. It is their repsonsibility to own up to the affair. I have my own demons to live with.That is my cross to bear and I will. And a person who cheats with a married partner is not always the one pursuing the relationship and keeping it going..MANY MANY times it is the MARRIED person who does not want the affair to end....I have attempted to end my own affair on several occasions only to get sucked back in by him.

 

And I am sorry to hear you're going through this.I truly am.

[Seraphim]

It is better to leave that to fate.

[HellFrost666]

I am in the minority here I guess, but I would tell and not think twice about it. That's just me though. I can see the reasons for not telling, and I don't necessarily disagree with all of you, I just would handle it differently.

 

And I have been involved with a married woman. She isn't married anymore, we have been together three years now. Her husband cheated on her constantly, and it was known he was cheating by a lot people, but no one ever stepped up and told her, his wife.

 

And then she decided she wanted to know how it felt to be the cheater.

 

And my ex girlfriend cheated on me, for a period of a few months. I found out after we broke up that there were times when I would leave her house and her other guy would show up just a few minutes later. I guess there was one time when he even parked accross the street and watched me leave. No one told me, but I wish someone would have.

[createhappiness]

thanks for the feedback hellfrost...

 

it's interesting that the two men that posted on this thread are FOR telling the husband. but all the women want to leave it up to fate and karma.

 

what do you all think this says about male/females? or perhaps the men who posted can sympathize with the husband better?

 

i put myself in the husband's position and although i know it would be mind-blowing to find out, i'd imagine he'd probably question my intentions for telling him at first. perhaps what my motives were and maybe not know who to trust - me (a "jealous ex gf") or his brand new wife he's all lovey dovey for. oh well, no point in me projecting all this. i'm not in their lives...

[monkey123]

you know, in the long run, she will get whats coming to her so no matter what u decide i believe she will get whats coming to her. Who knows maybe her husband is cheating on her as we speak...

[Aleadragonhawk]

How would you have felt if someone knew that your now-ex was having an affair and didn't tell you?

 

Would you rather have never known, or did you value being able to make your own decision about if you wanted to be in a relationship with someone who did this or not?

 

If you believe that cheating is not right, then tell him what his wife is doing to him.

[nightlady]

I was in the same situation. The OW was engaged to be married in a few months. I chose not to say or do anything, I though I will just let her live a lie to her husband...but boy I was tempted. Best thing...write a letter expressing everything..then burn it!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I have mixed feelings about this, and it would be case by case.

 

I think if there were children involved, i would think long and hard before i'd tell someone about an affair for wondering if it would break up the family. perhaps the person has figured out what they did was wrong and they are repairing the marriage.

 

but if there were no kids involved and it is a new marriage, i would perhaps feel the need to tell to spare the innocent spouse more grief in future. For example, what if she is just an unrepentent cheater, and he has kids with her thinking she is faithful, and one of the kids isn't his, or she later leaves him for another man and the poor guy is stuck with paying child support to a cheater and kids whose lives are disrupted.

 

In that case, a warning might be the better choice.

 

i was married for 8 years to someone who turned out to be a cheater, who i think was cheating very early on (and throughout the marriage). i think a couple people tried to tip me off, but they didn't just come out and tell me he was cheating so i missed the cues. i would have been very grateful to have heard that he was cheating early on, because he was really a problem throughout the marriage, but i felt i needed to try hard since i had married him. but if i'd known he was cheating, it would have freed me to leave and move on without any guilt since he was so obviously breaking vows and i didn't need to keep trying with someone so lacking in character.

[tangi39]

I would always tell and I'd always want to know, no exceptions.

The spouse may not know, but I don't think you are doing them any favors by sparing their feelings in the short term while they continue to live a lie. And I do find that most times the spouse does have a suspicion, and just does not know who.

You do not wreck their marriage by telling. It's already been wrecked by the cheating. You can't leave it up the spouse, they'll just continue to cheat with other people if they've gotten away with it.

I think if their marriage is going to be salavged, the spouse need the truth-

And if they are going to break up, the spouse needs the truth.

If my husband was cheating I would want to know. Period.

I'd feel foolish being stuck in a loveless marriage and everyone knew but me. That would be much worse and far more painful than the temporary hurt of finding out.

I'd want to find out so I could be free to find a man who really loved me.

[createhappiness]

Has anyone ever CONTACTED the OW? If so, what was the outcome?

[CallingAllAngels]

Has anyone ever CONTACTED the OW? If so, what was the outcome?

 

OHHHHH...I SO wanted to go there! But I would NOT lower myself.

 

My thinking on this: SHE promised me NOTHING...my exhusband promised me forever.

 

What was I to gain by contacting her except more drama?

 

No...I just let that one slide.

 

Don't let her have any more satisfaction.

 

My best to you

 

~Allie