LAYAAN Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 Hello all, Sorry for the long post but I need some help. I've posted about this man sometime around June/July. (Now, you'll say ... what still no progress? Ya, still no progress) This guy initiated contact on a dating site. This is the story so far. he called n talked the first time ---> no calls for a month ---> called back "I was in a diff country" started calling regularly ---> no calls for a month ---> called back said "there was a robbery in my house, my car was stolen, blah, blah" ---> started calling regularly ---> no calls for a month ---> "I moved to another state" (he gave me the name) I was busy with that. Rented my apartment out, blah, blah." ---> asked me if we could meet, so I shared certain things from my side that previously were deal breakers for many men. I clearly said "You can take your time to think and if you feel like going ahead, you give me a call"---> no calls for 3 weeks ---> called back n said "have you decided not to call me unless I call you?" we talked ---> now its been 2 weeks and no calls. meanwhile when there was a fire around this area, he called to check up on me. One time, he called and I couldn't talk properly b'coz I just really wanted to shout n scream at him he thought I wasn't well n emailed saying "you got me worried. is everything okay?"... are these small gestures to keep me from slipping off the hook while he awaits a bigger fish? Our calls last only for 15-20 min. every time. He calls me most of the time. Not that I don't want to but I'm just tired of his behavior and not sure if he is seeing other girls while he keeps pushing my paper at the bottom of the pile each time. I'm also shy n don't know what to talk about. I'm bothered by the fact that everytime he calls, he is either driving to go to somone's house/party/airport, etc. He has suggested meeting and I said yes but he never followed through and came up with a plan. He is divorced (ended his wedding in few hours. I have not yet asked the reason why. I waited to notice some more red flags) It has been 6 months already. I feel like writing an email and ending it. I'm tired of waiting around. My friend said "why bother writing an email? don't call/return his calls/emails. He will get the message". Can anyone tell me what is going on here? Am I a chat buddy now? Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 hm. why are you still even talking to him? i wouldn't. sounds like a time waster. next!!! and a marriage that only lasted a few hours? you don't see that as a giant red flag??? Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 Tell him (nicely) that you want to stop contact, because there is no follow through. You're on a dating site because you want to meet nice guys for dates, not chat to someone every few months. Wish him well with what he's looking for and don't answer the phone to him again. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 well, with all due respect to tinu, i don't think she knows what she wants either. she's put up posts about dating, taking breaks from dating, being too busy to date, and now wondering why this guy isn't following through? i don't think she knows what she wants either. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 No Annie, I'm thinking of taking a break from dating... but as my post reads, this has been going on since last 6 months. This is not something that I've newly started. I want to put an end to it, so I'm asking how can I go about it. But yes, I couldn't help but wonder what is going on?... This is my self esteem issue again, Annie. I feel, I've put up with a lot of non-sense all these years to see myself getting married. I asked so if n when he calls again, I know what to say to him. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 Tell him (nicely) that you want to stop contact, because there is no follow through. You're on a dating site because you want to meet nice guys for dates, not chat to someone every few months. Wish him well with what he's looking for and don't answer the phone to him again. Thank you HoneyPumpkin Link to comment
D_Lish Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 He sounds like he's just messing you around and throwing the odd crumb for you, to keep you around. He's likely to be messing other women around/meeting other women also. I just wouldn't answer his calls or return them. You don't need explain why ....I'm sure he isn't 'dumb' enough to not know why you are ending things. Just cut him off....you don't owe the guy a thing....you've never even met him! Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 Thank you D_Lish. Ya, what you said makes sense. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Just cut him off....you don't owe the guy a thing....you've never even met him! yes, i agree. a guy you've never even met doesn't deserves an explanation! Link to comment
grymoire Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 ended his wedding in few hours??!?!?! wow tinu... where do you meet such bizarre guys? that said i got to say that you should not respond to his calls anymore... he is clearly playing you.... if a guy is truly interested he will not be this fickle. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 gry, do you see now, why I'm frustrated? He contacted me on a matrimonial site. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 I think you need to develop a thicker skin so that whether or not a complete stranger wants to meet you in person has nothing to do with your self esteem or at least so little that's it's barely a blip on the radar. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 Batya, yes, I've realized that. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Batya, yes, I've realized that. What have you done to go beyond realizing and shift your mindset? Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 What have you done to go beyond realizing and shift your mindset? good Q. I get the drift of your Q. but I dont have an answer. I can give you some ans. here there, but I know, that really isn't the answer. I don't know what to do to develop a thick skin. At this point, facing my fears itself is very hard for me. Dealing with them is another area. I'm really trying to keep a +ve mindset. But I do feel very afraid inside. My friends tell me that I'm too hard on myself. I dont' really know what I'm going through inside. I don't know if this is the appropriate section on ENA to talk about that. Link to comment
grymoire Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 good Q. I get the drift of your Q. but I dont have an answer. I can give you some ans. here there, but I know, that really isn't the answer. I don't know what to do to develop a thick skin. At this point, facing my fears itself is very hard for me. Dealing with them is another area. I'm really trying to keep a +ve mindset. But I do feel very afraid inside. My friends tell me that I'm too hard on myself. I dont' really know what I'm going through inside. I don't know if this is the appropriate section on ENA to talk about that. as you keep dating you will develop a thick skin... i am sure you will very soon succeed.. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 good Q. I get the drift of your Q. but I dont have an answer. I can give you some ans. here there, but I know, that really isn't the answer. I don't know what to do to develop a thick skin. At this point, facing my fears itself is very hard for me. Dealing with them is another area. I'm really trying to keep a +ve mindset. But I do feel very afraid inside. My friends tell me that I'm too hard on myself. I dont' really know what I'm going through inside. I don't know if this is the appropriate section on ENA to talk about that. I did it by practicing - "fake it till you make it" - by making sure to manage my expectations each time i had a first meet, or a first date, by having friends who were similarly realistic and reasonable about the sometimes icky process. I remember knowing I had "succeeded" many years ago when a friend called me about 9:30 at night - we casually chit chatted for a few minutes until, exasperated, she said "well, how was it?????" I had trained myself so well to move on after a date that i'd forgotten I'd had a first meet just a few hours earlier, it was such a non-event. I also did it by making sure i had other dates and activities set up that were fun and distracting. Link to comment
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