I could really use some encouragement!

[Wotgorilla]

Hello all,

 

This site has helped me in the past with this relationship, so I turn to you all again in a time of great need. I could really use a boost today!

 

To make an incredibly long story short, I just ended a 3 year relationship that was just plain awful. 3 years of back and forth, of my dealing with her verbal and mental abuse, criticism, and almost constant fighting. Of being made to feel like a child, emasculated, of never being good enough. Constant sarcasm, selfish in the bedroom, and if I missed a call I was screamed at. I never did anything right, and nothing I ever did was good enough. I was yelled at, made to feel worthless, and it reached a point where all I wanted to do to escape was sit home, eat, and watch tv. I'd break up, miss her, and go right back when she'd write me vowing to change. I kept thinking she'd be different and accept me, but I never felt like she did. This is not to say I was perfect. I lied about myself (what I did, what money I had), so she would be more impressed with me, but even that didn't seem to work. Then when I confessed and vowed to be honest, she was never able to forgive me for what I had done wrong. I've been honest for a while, but she always seemed to be trying to catch me in something, when all I tried to do was learn from my mistakes and move forward, we just never did. I loved her so much, and I think she loved me, but spent just so much time criticizing everything about my life (what I ate, what I wore, my apartment, my car, my lifestyle, everything), that I didn't know what to do, all I wanted to do was be together and not fight.

 

This summer was particularly bad, the fighting intensified, whatever I tried to appease the situation or just avoid fighting, I seemed to make her more mad. We had a huge fight about a month ago and broke up, got back together, and it was never the same. Suddenly she seemed to make every excuse to not see me, made plans with friends, and only made small amounts of time for me. When we did, she couldn't seem less interested in seeing me or being intimate. I began to suspect there was someone else. Finally two weeks ago, I dropped by to say hi, since that appeared to be, based on what she told me, the only time for the next week that she would be free to see me. She was annoyed that I was there, we fought, she kicked me out, and a half hour later told me that she just wants to be friends and she isn't feeling this anymore. Just like that, I was floored. I felt disposed of, used, and humiliated. We spoke for a few days, I did my best to be strong and a little distant, so I could heal, but she called and wrote as if we were still together. Finally by that weekend (last weekend), in a very childish way, she dropped a hint that she had a date that Friday evening, but wanted me to go shopping with her the following day. I had plans with someone I had dated before her, but I wasn't sure if it was a date or just catching up as friends and didn't want to break those plans for my ex. When I told her of my plans, that's when she said that she did indeed have a date, she was relieved that she broke up with me, and it was good for us to "reboot" for the sake of a future.

 

The following morning she called as if nothing happened. I made the conversation short, she pressed me for what my plans were for the day, which I did not respond to. She also slipped, I caught her in a lie about family plans she said she had two weeks previously, where I did not hear from her all day (when normally I would), but then this morning she referred to a message someone wrote her where it said "we missed you at the family event two weeks ago." I really began to suspect cheating, there were all the classic signs (anger towards me, evidence left out in the apartment normally not left out, disappearing for long periods of time, sudden extra plans with "friends" on days that we would normally see each other, etc.)

 

I had a wonderful day with the girl I am seeing now, but at the end of the evening my ex called asking for a ride home, saying she suspected we were in the city and nearby each other. I ignored the call, and the next morning she called again as if nothing had ever changed. I again got off the phone quickly, and she called back saying that she felt like she was bothering me by called, would rather not speak than have a "fake friendship." I said I was fine with speaking, but that it wouldn't be as often and that we wouldn't be as close, but she cut me off and hung up, saying she did not want to speak to me, that I had a problem with the fact that she was "hanging out with someone else."

 

I called her back and went off. 3 years of frustration, pent up anger, of verbal and mental abuse, came out. I called her out on the cheating I suspected, and told her I never wanted to speak to her again, that she was nothing but a heart ache and a nightmare for me. I followed that with several angry e-mails, telling her exactly how I felt. I only got one response, in which she denied she cheated, and, as usual, made it out to be my fault, that I was accusing her of this to that I could have some closure, and I should accept that we didn't work out. I sent her an angry e-mail back saying that not only did we not work out, but I regret the entire thing. I was just so angry, it all came out in what I wrote and I felt like I had nothing to lose. I told her I was glad to have her out of my life. It got to the point where her mother called, saying I should stay away "or else."

 

I finally cut her off, blocked her, and we have not spoken in 4 days. Yet, my emotions are all over the place. I go from being angry at being cheated on and disposed of (which I know in my heart took place, the signs were everywhere, I just never thought she'd do that to me), to missing her and longing for the relationship, to kicking myself for wasting so much time with her. I can't get the thought out of my head of her with someone else, happy, being intimate, and living happily ever after. I know it's silly, but I don't want her to be happy after the way she treated me. I have to force myself not to think of her with other men, but the thought is there and it really bothers me. The girl I am seeing now (we dated before, and I regret not putting more effort into it), is so nice, sweet, and the polar opposite of my ex, but I find I want to take it very slow while I heal, I don't want to compromise, settle, and rush into something until I am ready, but I like having this girl in my life. I saw her yesterday and all i could think about was my ex, how I wanted to be with her, despite it all, despite the hell I went through and the way she treated me. It felt almost like a panic attack. This morning the new girl called and I had to get off the phone because I wanted to cry, and did, over my ex.

 

I am seeing the new girl this afternoon and am going to be honest with her about what happened and how I feel. I think she deserves to know the truth. I know I am so much happier, healthier, and free without my ex, and I know these feelings are normal, but I could really use some encouragement!

 

Thanks so much for reading and bearing with me.

[Beoslasher]

You've done a great thing getting rid of your ex

though it was a bit crazy that you went off on her so long, but 3 yrs of pent up aggression and emotions will do that; so at the same time.

 

Just dont regress, and dont rebound with the new girl(especially if shes nice, and you like her). Your not healed fully, so just take it slow, though you want to get over your ex, you are going to suffer from those feelings of wanting her; even if the relationship itself was insanely toxic. Eventually you'll wake up one day and you'll be free of it but that day isnt today or tomorrow its in the future, just enjoy your new space and freedoms

 

You can get thru this m8

[aldridal]

All I have to say is - good for you. You hung tough and did what was best for you by not falling for her trap.

 

That situation sounds eerily similar to mine. My ex never was evil or anything like that, but wanted to be very controlling. The week before we broke up, she made sure she was hanging out with somebody else all the time, and made sure to allow for very little time with me.

 

Anyways, good for you, and stay strong!

[redwineplease]

You did really well up to the point where you started to open up to her and telling her about all your pin up anger. By staying calm and in control, you basically took away her ability to manipulate you. But the second you expose your emotions to her, she knows that she still has a hold on you.

 

I think you're doing the right and good thing for yourself by not being in contact with her as much or keeping contact limited. Best thing to do is what you've been doing...keep it short with her and don't let her manipulate you. Easier said than done but this girl knows how to work you!

 

I think getting yourself out there and dating is fine as long as you can handle it. The second you let her get to your emotion and ruin your effort to date other women is when you need to take a break.

 

By the way, I wouldn't talk about the ex with new dates. Bad move! You don't want to ruin a potentially good date by bringing your ex into the picture. The more you talk about her, the more you acknowledge her existence and her influence over you. Plus it's a turn off to talk about exs on new dates...and in bad taste. It just show them that you're still hooked on the ex and that you have no business dating right now.

 

Good luck.

[Wotgorilla]

Thanks for this, really. My ex and I are now on NC, she sent me a text before my final angry e-mail saying "I won't ever want to get back with you now or at any point in the future." This 2 days after trying to get a ride home the night of my date last Saturday, like she wanted me to hang around and wait for her just in case it didn't work out with the new guy! That's why I went off in e-mails, blocked her from calling or writing, her mom threatened me (which I find to be very childish, if you didn't cheat why hide behind your mom when you're almost 30, right), and we have not spoken since. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too, she wanted me around so she could call 100 times a day because I was a good listener, but she was obviously being intimate, or "hanging out" as she called it, with someone new. Either way, it was cheating, I'm sure of it, which is why I went off and made sure she knew that I figured out what had been going on. I wanted to rock her world that way. I've said this before and have been wrong, but I think that will really be the last time I ever hear from her. At least I hope so.

[redwineplease]

Yeah...I guess I understand why you would go off on her. Just remember that the one thing that drives women crazy in this sort of situation is when the man stays calm and in control. Women with drama just go nuts over that because they feel they can't engage you emotionally and get you all rowed up.

 

Regardless of whether she contacts you again or not, you should make every effort to not think about her, talk about her, etc. I think you've done enough of that in the last 3 years. It must get exhausting emotionally. Nip it in the bud now. If a woman really likes you, she will make no qualm about it...you will feel appreciate...not feel bad.

[Wotgorilla]

Yeah...I guess I understand why you would go off on her. Just remember that the one thing that drives women crazy in this sort of situation is when the man stays calm and in control. Women with drama just go nuts over that because they feel they can't engage you emotionally and get you all rowed up.

 

Regardless of whether she contacts you again or not, you should make every effort to not think about her, talk about her, etc. I think you've done enough of that in the last 3 years. It must get exhausting emotionally. Nip it in the bud now. If a woman really likes you, she will make no qualm about it...you will feel appreciate...not feel bad.

 

Thanks, I know you're right. When I was distant, she always reacted that way, and when I went off, she knew she had me. That's why the best thing I can do is walk away now, heal eventually, and have a much happier life. I know these thoughts of not wanting her to be happy (like I feel I deserve her to be miserable without me, you know) will fade, but they are strong at the moment. I feel like I'm going through detox of withdrawal.

 

I know the best thing I can do is never contact her again, let her wonder where I am, who I am with, and whether I am happier without her. I can repeat it endlessly in angry e-mails, but just walking away is the best revenge, not for her, but for myself, I am much healthier and happier without her. Her last two relationships ended the same way, in fact the last guy sent her a similar e-mail (which she read to me when we first met). Two years later she wrote to him asking how he was (again after first denying it to me). He wrote back saying that he took a long time to get over her, that he was happy, and didn't want to ruin his happiness by having her in his life. I long for that feeling that he has, and those words had a profound impact on me.

[redwineplease]

That's good. Good luck to you.

 

You'll know you're over her when you don't care what she thinks whether she's in your life or not. It wouldn't even matter to you if she's wondrering what you're doing or who you're doing it with...etc.

 

No audience...no show.

[Wotgorilla]

That's good. Good luck to you.

 

You'll know you're over her when you don't care what she thinks whether she's in your life or not. It wouldn't even matter to you if she's wondrering what you're doing or who you're doing it with...etc.

 

No audience...no show.

 

You're right again, thanks. This is truly the first full weekend without her, and it hurts really bad. What hurts the most is that while I was fighting so hard, one last push, to save the relationship, to get through to her, to someone who said she loved me more than anything and would never hurt me or let anything bad happen to me, she was with someone else behind my back.

 

That hurts beyond words right now. The feeling that I was being played.

 

But I know it will get better. The best thing I can do is move on and be happy, and I will, I was broken up with her before, 2 years ago for 4 months, so I know I can do it again, right now i am all over the place. Right now I want her to WANT me back, and I am just accepting that she is the honeymoon phase with the new guy (especially now that I am out of the picture) and I must be the last thing on her mind.

 

I should be thinking about me, but i can't. I want her to be unhappy without me, it just hurts so much that after everything I went through, everything I tried to move forward and make this better, that she ends it THAT way. Disposes me for the first guy to come along.

 

It just hurts so bad right now.

 

Thanks....

[Wotgorilla]

UPDATE: Thanks to the wonders of myspace and the internet, I have now confirmed, without a doubt, that she was cheating. She was in a picture on a friend's profile from a labor day party when she told me she was at a family event all day that day. That was the lie from last saturday, when a family friend from the party said "we missed you at the family party." I knew I was right! Why lie to me about the labor day party? Did her friends encourage her to go with a new guy, or to go because a new guy was there? Did they set her up with someone? Did she meet someone at the party, is that when it began? I feel better knowing it was confirmed, but at the same time I feel worse knowing for sure that again, after all that I tried, all that she put me through, that she dumped me for someone else and was cheating on me.

 

Help!!! I feel so bad about this, I need encouragement!

[Beoslasher]

You shouldnt feel bad at all!

I mean I understand why; it sucks to be cheated on, but that just shows you her true colors. You seem like a pretty nice guy, you dont need to be hanging around with a girl like that man. You got a good head on your shoulders; and i'm sure you will find a girl with one too.

 

I too have been cheated on, although it was a high school relationship; it still was just an awful experience. So I know partially how you must feel, but I'm sure yours is much worse, as we were just kids =P

 

Be happy! You didnt end up spending the rest of your life with this woman while she was backstabbing you and manipulating you!

Your a better man because you didnt stoop to panicking (like other posters of said you said calm and cool, a very smart tactic) and you didnt accelerate the drama (you said your piece and ended it)

 

But just remember it's her loss because eventually they'll be a guy who will do the same crap to her and then she'll try to come running back and hopefully you will have found a better, nicer match for you; not someone you'll have to worry about

[Zeitgeist]

Mm...all that you actually know is that she didn't go to the family party. You don't know that she was cheating or that she was even there for a guy. Maybe she just went with a friend or friends. It's dangerous to try to interpret MySpace and Facebook pics unless they're direct evidence of them doing something.

[Wotgorilla]

Mm...all that you actually know is that she didn't go to the family party. You don't know that she was cheating or that she was even there for a guy. Maybe she just went with a friend or friends. It's dangerous to try to interpret MySpace and Facebook pics unless they're direct evidence of them doing something.

 

You're right, it's possible, but she did lie to me and her attitude changed drastically in the two weeks following that party, so if she wasn't there with someone, she met someone there, or was going there to meet someone.

 

Either way, it's lying and cheating.

[Wotgorilla]

Thanks for this, I really appreciate it. I know you're right, I had a wonderful night out with friends I haven't seen in years, and I know had my ex had been there it would have been far less fun. She just wasn't good with my friends, despite demanding that I bring them out more, she always seemed to "go through the motions" with my friends.

 

The new girl I am seeing was wonderful. Happy, social, offered to help, and everyone loved her brownies! I was really happy while there with her, yet on the way home, my mind wandered. The thought of my ex with another man bothered me so much. Seeing that photo, confirming that she lied to me, stung me deeply. I never thought, after all the fighting, back and forth, break ups and reconciliations, that she would do that to me when the first guy came along that struck her fancy. I had so many opportunities, but I never did that to her, never!

 

That's what hurts, and it takes every effort I have to keep those thoughts out of my head, the thought of her happier without me, better off with someone else while I struggle with these emotions. I have this feeling that I want her to want me back, and I feel like I've lost that silly bit of control I had. Like she's finally lost her feeling for me because someone new came along. I know that says it all there, and she's done this to the last 2 boyfriends she's had, but it still hurts to be disposed of while I fought so hard, you know? I feel that now that her mother threatened me that she's over me and happy with someone else, and there is an immature part of me that wants her to suffer as I am now.

 

How I hate being alone with my thoughts, and I know these are all over the place, and not healthy, but it's what's in my head at the moment.

 

Thanks for everything.

[veneratio]

Being lied to is what hurts the most I believe. You never know someone's intentions as to why they lied. Even if you do, it still hurts. It's still a betrayal of trust whether they lie cause they're cheating or lie about something else.

 

Congrats on your decision. I may not know you, but I know you deserve a lot better than how she was treating you.

 

And you aren't alone in wanting your ex to want you back. I want mine to want me back, not so we can work things out, just so I can have the upper hand..for once. I don't think you're immature by any means because of that. You, just like me, and probably most people, believe in justice. And what kind of justice is that? You aren't alone..it does get easier though. A day at a time.

[Wotgorilla]

Being lied to is what hurts the most I believe. You never know someone's intentions as to why they lied. Even if you do, it still hurts. It's still a betrayal of trust whether they lie cause they're cheating or lie about something else.

 

Congrats on your decision. I may not know you, but I know you deserve a lot better than how she was treating you.

 

And you aren't alone in wanting your ex to want you back. I want mine to want me back, not so we can work things out, just so I can have the upper hand..for once. I don't think you're immature by any means because of that. You, just like me, and probably most people, believe in justice. And what kind of justice is that? You aren't alone..it does get easier though. A day at a time.

 

Thanks, I know you're right. I know I am much better off without her, and I know had I not called her out on her cheating, and been so angry about my feelings in those e-mails, it would have been harder. I shouldn't have agreed to be friends, and I think it was selfish of her to want to try to. Had it continued, it would have just been awkward, with her trying to find out what I was doing while dropping hints to me that I wasn't looking for. It had to end the way it did, I was strong and I had to be that strong, for myself. I had to blow her mind, I still find it immature that her mom had to call me, she is almost 30 for christ sake.

 

I know this silly feeling of my wanting her to want me back will fade, but it's what I'm thinking right now. Mostly, I still can't believe that she lied to me, and cheated on me. After all her claims at always being faithful, and always throwing in my face that I was the liar (since i lied about my salary to her so she'd like me better), and after all I tried to move things forward (which was always met with anger, fighting, and criticism), she lied to me and was with someone else. Even after I called her out on it, she denied it last week, saying I was saying this to myself just so that I could have closure. Yet, I saw the evidence, I saw the signs in the change in her attitude and her sudden disappearances, and I saw that photograph. I know I shouldn't have looked, but I'm glad I did. I'm glad I know I was right. That's what hurts, I never thought, despite all the hell I went through, I never thought she'd meet someone else and lie to me. And this on the same weekend when I told her money would be tight for me and I was upset about it and she wrote me a beautiful e-mail saying that we'd get through this together and she wouldn't let anything bad happen to me. That's what hurts. How could you say that and lie and sneak around behind my back. In the past she told me about parties and get togethers with friends I wasn't invited to, why lie to me about this one? Obviously there was someone else, as I said, the signs and evidence is all around, a blind man could figure this out.

 

That's what hurts, knowing that while I was fighting so hard to save things and avoid her wrath, the moment someone better (and richer and in better shape) came along, I suddenly was no longer needed. Suddenly she "didn't feel it for me" anymore, suddenly she "wanted to close the door and that part of our lives and be friends." When I pulled away, and wouldn't let her use me as the sounding board she always used me as, suddenly it's "forget it, I don't want to talk to you anymore."

 

That's what hurts, this feeling of being used, chewed up and spit out like any other piece of gum, and thrown out when a better piece of gum came along.

 

I know I am happier without her, and people like that will never change and are destined to never find happiness (I mean, no one, but no one will put what I put with, that's a fact), but it hurts so bad right now.

 

This is not the first time this has been done to me, and this is not the first time she's thrown someone over for someone else, she has that nature with all things, I just can't believe I'm going through this, I never thought....

 

She'd do this to me.....

 

Thanks for listening.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

OP

 

you have done so well to be able to come out of this and see that she clearly has issues and yes have managed to resist being pulled down into her swamp.

 

I think you do love her and this is why your struggling a bit with the break up.

 

this is NORMAL, you are normal. You have loved and supported this girl and been there for her, and her issues have meant that you have put up with a lot of disrespectful behaviour and abuse. Your a great guy, just give yourself a chance to heal.

 

I would tell your new date, and also explain to her that you genuinely want to move on and ask for her support if you have an 'off' day. I'm sure your going to be better off finding someone who will love and support you in the way you have been loving and supportive. Just BELIEVE your worth it.

 

good luck, Hope x

[Wotgorilla]

Thanks. I did tell my new date what I'm going through, we had dated before I met my ex. she understood, and agreed that we take things slow and get to know each other again.

 

I just can't stop being so sad about it. I can't stop feeling that I've lost her for good. I did love her, I made mistakes, but I put my all into it, I was always there for her, encouraging her while she lost weight, all the while little did I know that she was feeding off of my support and using me for her benefit while she boosted herself to the point where she could dispose of me when she no longer needed me when a better guy cam along.

 

I feel so hurt inside from that. I still feel that despite how poorly she treated me, I miss everything about her and would do anything to back. It hurts so bad to know that she is over me and happier with someone else now while I suffer in silence. I want to bad to see her, talk to her, try to make it right, even though I know she'll never change, it'll never be right, and I am better off with someone else. Even though it now seems her mom will call the cops on my if I call or write her based on the message she left.

 

I know this will pass, but I just feel like crap right now...

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

I know this will pass, but I just feel like crap right now...

 

no wonder! specially as her Mum seems to have waded into the mire.

 

Sit back, grab some popcorn, and just wait...

 

What makes you think shes happy with someone else? shes NOT happy full stop. She's not happy with herself so she cant be happy with anyone else as they wont make her happy either. See? its a big circle and shes stuck in the middle.

 

In the meantime, you have the opportunity to spend time with someone who although theyre not emotionally fullfilling YET, (I say yet because with time that may change), your new lady is aware of the situation and will be a source of strength for you but please (please, please, please) dont use her.

 

dont introduce sex into the equation if you really are still hankering for your ex. leave off that for a while till your thoughts change to maybe there could be a future for you and your new date x

[Wotgorilla]

Thanks, but I am really struggling with this. I can't get the thought out of my head that she is happy with someone else and doesn't need me anymore. I haven't heard from her in almost a week now. I know I sent her angry, scathing e-mails, but I couldn't stay friends with her. It couldn't have gone on the way it was, the way she wanted it. I couldn't continue to let her use me the way she was, while she was haing fun and "hanging out" with someone else. I had to be strong, tell her how I've been feeling, and walk away. I just can't believe she cheated, lied, found someone else, and threw me away. I never thought she'd do that, I can't get over the feeling that she's happy with someone, being intimate with someone when she barely wantd to be intimate with me, and simply is happier without me in her life, when days before she told me she loved me and missed me. How could someone turn on a dime like that?

 

I'm not sure I'm going to make it through the day, I just don't want to go on....

[Wotgorilla]

So as the day progresses I'm feeling a little better, not sure it will last though....

[SuperDave71]

Just my 2 cents worth....

 

 

 

 

 

Wotgorilla,

 

 

I want you to sit back and take a few deep breaths. First I want to say that I am sincerely sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I know that no matter how much advice is given out of compassion and genuine caring, it still hurts.

 

Hurt is temporary, the life lessons behind the hurt are forever.

 

 

I am going to assume you are hurting because of a few obvious things.

 

 

1.) It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this

2.) It started out so well

3.) We were so in love

4.) She was my best friend

5.) I have never met anyone quite like her

6.) She is already seeing someone else and that must mean I am worthless

 

 

I could go on but I think you get the general idea. Now, let’s do a breakdown shall we.

 

 

In any relationship that has just ended and it wasn’t mutual (which is rare) someone if not both parties involved, gets hurt. Those that were “dumped” usually take the responsibility for the break EVEN if they were not 100% responsible. Their reasoning is “If they stopped loving me, it must have been my fault.” Even if the person who has been dumped was thinking of leaving the relationship, they tend to have feelings of blame and suddenly want the unhealthy relationship to work. Why? Plain and simple, something is better than nothing.

 

 

I can remember these thoughts like they were yesterday. To look back and reflect knowing what I know now, it all looks so silly. I would say things like “I don’t want her to think…” or “I hope she doesn’t “. I put my life on hold for her. It was my choice because in my mind, if I couldn’t hold her, I would hold onto her anyway I could. I was mentally holding onto someone who has already let me go. She was dating someone new at the time and I kept thinking “She’ll be back.”

 

 

In my opinion, there is nothing more terrifying than “What if”. This separation was a turning point in my life because I made the choice to learn from it rather than let life get me down because I chose to dwell in my own self-pity. I was a man and I was down but not out. In my time away, I learned that I can’t make anyone love me. I can’t make anyone do ANYTHING for that matter. If they didn’t love me, then I will look back and have great memories of what once was. I was like a child holding onto something that didn’t belong to me, I would cry and scream saying “MINE…MINE….knowing it wasn’t. It wasn’t until I let go and taken away from the very thing I was holding onto that I realized it was never mine to begin with.

 

It wasn’t until I let go that made the biggest difference in my life.

The very thing that was making me hold on was fear. Fear that if I let go, I would lose what I was holding onto forever. Fear that if I let go, it would demonstrate that I didn’t care. Fear that if I let go that it would make me all alone. Fear that if I let go that I would never be happy again.

 

 

 

 

I am here to tell you that NONE of the above was true. There is not a shred of truth in any of the fear statements.

 

 

- Fear that if I let go, I would lose what I was holding onto forever. (She was already gone so I was holding on to the IDEA of her coming back based on our past and what I hope happens in my own heart.)

 

- Fear that if I let go, it would demonstrate that I didn’t care. (She was gone and dating someone else. Where was the love for me? Where was MY adoration from her? The fact was, there wasn’t any and I was trying to get blood from a turnip.)

 

- Fear that if I let go that it would make me all alone. (I was already alone so I was gaining nothing by holding onto something that wasn’t there.)

 

- Fear that if I let go that I would never be happy again. (I have never been happier than I am right now.)

 

 

Letting go is the first step of getting you back on track. Regardless you’re reasoning, it’s not until you let go, both mentally and physically, will you start to feel better about you and your current situation. Once you let go you will start thinking only about you and not someone else. You cannot think for two people. We can try all we want but we cannot make anyone feel anything for us. We can’t make them love us. We can’t make them believe something they don’t believe. We can’t make them….period. Until you get this thru your head, you will not move forward like you should. I know breaking up isn’t easy. I know exactly what it’s like and it hurts. How do you get past the hurt? You go right through it. “Rome was not built in a day.” If you try rushing into a new relationship, it will soon die because old feelings have not been dealt with properly. Rebounds rarely last. It’s not because the new partner lacks potential, it’s because if one of the two partners isn’t ready or isn’t willing to give 100%, then how can it work?

 

 

Realizing that you are special and unique is the first step. No mater how you might be feeling about yourself, you are special. There is no one quite like you anywhere on the planet. You might be telling yourself, “But they loved me once”….and this could be the case, but if they loved you so much, where are they now? Where are the phone calls? Where are the apologies? Where are the emails and text messages saying “Thinking of you” or “I miss you?”

 

 

We tend to constantly want to know why we were rejected so we can “fix” it in the relationship that just ended. Typically, relationships end due to multiple reasons UNLESS there was cheating involved. Sometime relationships end just because the love well has run dry. It’s not your fault. You can’t take responsibility for something you didn’t do. Stop assuming that just because it ended, that is was your fault. Why carry that burden around on your shoulders? Stop thinking that weight or the way you look is the culprit. I have heard many people tell me that they are now working out and feeling pretty good after a breakup. I think it’s a great idea but look at why?

 

Most people workout after a breakup because of low self-esteem. They take it personal when someone leaves as if it were their appearance. The idea of working out makes you feel sexy. Sexy is in the mind. What is sexy to me may not be sexy to you. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with feeling good about yourself and having your looks match how you feel but if you are not ready mentally for a relationship, no matter what you look like, it just won’t work. Take the time to work out your emotions. Why do you really feel the way you do? Why do you feel as if you can’t be happy without your ex? Why are you taking the blame or responsibility? When you can sit down and maybe even write out “Why I feel this way” you will start to feel better because it allows you to sort out your own feelings without the ex’s influence in the equation. Give it a try. You will be amazed how writing out how you feel does to make you feel better. Don’t hold back; let the emotions fly on the paper.

 

**WARNING**

 

DO NOT SEND WHAT YOU WRITE TO YOUR EX

 

 

 

This is merely an exercise for you and your eyes only. Create a journal if you want or maybe even blog about it. Do what you must to get it out of your system. You can do it.

 

 

 

Picking yourself up after a breakup can be discouraging but you will find out more about you than you probably knew in the beginning. Your happiness is NOT based on anyone else BUT YOU. You are the one responsible for what you do and feel. When you realize that no one can do it for you, then and only then, will you start to grow and feel better about your current situation. I know it’s easier said than done but you can do it. Of all things, learn that if you don’t look back and see your own faults, learn from them and move forward, you will feel better and mover forward and never look back. Now, get out of bed and put both feet on the floor. Stand up and tell yourself that you will feel better. You will get through this and you can be the person you always wanted to be. If you ex can’t see that…it’s their loss.

 

 

The common questions swirl through your head. Amazingly enough, we ALL have the same questions of a breakup or divorce regardless of our race, background, religion or geographical location. We are all human. We all share emotions that we sometimes don't know how to handle. A breakup, especially when not expected, can hit you like a car slamming into you at a four way stop. The shock takes over but its your reaction that ultimately creates your possible future outcome.

 

 

For example:

 

For those out there who care to share with the forum, I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to reason with an ex. Do the following sound familiar?

 

1. "If you only give me another chance, things will be different"

 

2. (A week passes) "But I have changed"

 

3. "I need you"

 

4. "I love you"

 

5. "I can't make it without you"

 

 

My question is simple...HOW?

 

 

1. How will things be different?

 

2. How have you changed?

 

3. How much do you need me and why?

 

4. How much do you love me?

 

5. How can you NOT make it without me?

 

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is reality; not a scripted movie or drama you see on television. The reason we use phrases like this is

 

1. We don't know any better

2. It works on TV and the movies

 

 

"You complete me"

 

 

I have said it many times and I will say it again. Love doesn't turn off like a light switch. It can fade but it never disappears. For those who believe you ex has moved on, it is possible but if it is soon after a break, it is likely NOT the case. Think of it this way...

 

The breakup occurred because of something or a series of events leading up to the break. Please don't get me wrong, sometimes we wake up one day and realize this is NOT the person you had expected or WANTED to expect them to be. We all have our expectations. When we first meet someone we like, they can do no wrong. They tend to be "different" than others you have dated or met.

 

The silly thing is..OF COURSE THEY ARE. You have that "gut feeling" automatically that they could be "the one". The honeymoon stage lasts for months and suddenly...

 

 

 

without warning...

 

 

 

the masks come off. You reveal who you REALLY are and they do the same. There is no need to work so hard anymore when it comes to love. (I don't believe this for a second) Love takes work. Just like when you buy something new that you have scrimped and saved, you finally have it...and you love it. Months go buy and suddenly a newer model comes out and you want it because you assume its feature are going to be better than what you already have. The item is the same...a television is a television...you have the ability to watch TV but the size is different, the features are different, the look is different but its STILL a television.

 

We tend to NOT appreciate things UNTIL THEY ARE GONE OR DAMAGED. Why can't we understand this simple concept? NO everyone is to blame but we must always take responsibility for the things WE have done. If we neglected someone or used them (on purpose or not) we must face the consequences of our actions.

 

What if it wasn't our fault? What if you did everything you could do and it STILL wasn't good enough? The fact is, it wasn't good enough for them...NOT you. We will always be the one's that will end up saying "I should have...or could have done so much more for my ex."

 

 

WHY?

 

 

When we bend over backwards for the one's we love over and over and over again and all they do is complain, it's never good enough, they criticize you or even blame you for THEIR problems, why do we take on their burden? Because we love them? Maybe...but I think it has to do more with HOPING they will change. Sometimes we fall in love and stay in love with people because of what we WANT or HOPE they will be and NOT WHAT THEY REALLY ARE.

 

Hope is a good thing. There is nothing in the world more powerful than hope EXCEPT love. No one ever said that true love was easy. It takes work ON BOTH SIDES. It's a compromise. It's a dance where two people take turns leading and following. Let go of the notion that love won't come back if you let it go. Not true at all in my book. I didn't say it would be with your ex, but love finds you. No matter where you are...or who you are for that matter...love will sneak up on you when you least expect it.

 

 

 

Love will find you again. Let go of the pain in your heart and you will find a smile again. The beautiful thing about love is that though you may not love your ex again the way that you had hoped; that road has come to an end. The miracle begins when you realize that though the road has ended...your journey has just begun. You have many paths to choose from. Only you can decide so choose wisely.

 

 

All you have to do is take your first step...

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[evo12]

thank you superdave

[TBE_1989]

Amazing, amazing post, Dave, thankyou.

[coloradio]

I can't say I wouldn't do the same as you did, Wotgorilla. If I knew she was cheating, I would make sure she knew that I knew, hopefully for the sake of the next guy she does it to, perhaps so she would reconsider doing it.