Down

[Odysseus]

I'm down this morning...so sad about what I needed to do with my marriage.

 

I have to keep reminding myself why I needed to move on, in spite of the changes my wife suggests she's made. It was so many things for so long, and I feel so wounded. In addition to healing from a really messed up relationship, I know I'll miss my kids badly during this transition.

 

I just never recovered from the emotional disconnection that went on too long. It was the strangest thing...she'd be good to me one minute, then tear down relationships the next. Her fears made her so self-centered and I ended drowning in her emotional storms. If I'd distanced myself from this behavior earlier, would I have been able to just "settle" into a relationship with someone I'm not compatible with?

 

Do I have too high an expectation for a relationship? I can't hold a grudge, I forgive and forget. I care about the people around me and do my best not to assume their intentions are negative. I know we all have faults and work hard to accept my own.

 

Rambling I know. This separation is still pretty fresh (since last Thursday) and it will take time for me to move forward. Thanks for listening.

[healthseeker]

So sorry for your pain. You will heal and your kids will be okay knowing they have your love. You sound like a wonderful father.

[Odysseus]

So sorry for your pain. You will heal and your kids will be okay knowing they have your love. You sound like a wonderful father.

 

Hmm. Yes...I love my kids very much. I wonder if, when I'm ready to have another relationship, I can be more than just a dad, but a friend and lover for someone too.

 

I sometimes feel like with all the responsibility I needed to take on in my marriage with my wife, can I break out of the role as a caregiver to an SO and really share a life with someone? In a lot of ways, I had three children to take care of in that relationship, not two.

 

Just thoughts going through my head this morning.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think actually being someone's emotional caregiver is more about co-dependency than 'helping'. It allows them to continue in the negative pattern rather than them growing up and taking responsibility for their own emotional health and life and getting better. It is very hard for a 'sick' person to get well when they are in a co-dependent relationship with a spouse.

 

Co-dependent relationships stifle and hinder both people, because the focus is on the 'sick' person, but not actually doing anything to help that person get well because they need that other person to continue their sickness.

 

So you should feel good about breaking free of an unhealthy co-dependent relationship. Now is the time for you to be yourself without reference to her, and for her to take responsbility for herself and continue her own therapy with a professional, not you.

[Seraphim]

Ok,there is a fine line between persevering when there is something to keep and having the emotional intelligence to know when to cut your losses. You have said there is NO way you can get the feeling back so it is time to cut your losses which you know. You ARE going to be sad about this, you have to grieve what you lose. Then one day you will wake up and say "dang I feel great!" You will move forward.

[Kahdeksan]

Hey odysseus, I feel your pain as they are all too fresh, so big hugs to you! We could all do with a hug now and again!

 

If I could, might I direct you in the right direction on some of the issues I've noticed in your separation with your ex? They've helped me tremendously in identifying what my own problems were and what my ex's problems were. Hitting me in the face like a brick.

 

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link removed

 

I sincerely hope they help! Sending you my blessings!!

[Odysseus]

Thanks everyone. Just caught up on the messages.

 

I went for my final long run before my marathon in 3 weeks, and at 16 miles I twisted my ankle on a friggin' rock. Not bad, but enough for me to hobble the rest of the way back. I just fell apart right on the trail...wept. These emotions have been building up...and the thought of all my hard work for this run going down the drain put me over the edge. The of course, all the rest of these feelings starting welling up. I got it back under reason after a while, but not a good morning.

 

I'm a bit better now, but my son has a cub scout thing today at 1:00, so before my run I sent a message to my wife that I wanted to be over at 1:00 to pick him up and if it was okay with her.

 

Her answer? "I guess"

 

Now I don't know the real meaning behind this, but my first reaction was reluctance. So I called her and she was all "sure...I said it was okay in my email", after which suggested she sounded reluctant. She denied it. There history here with these subtle snipes in our marriage. So that's got me a little upset too.

 

I'll be back on later. I hope this doesn't get worse. I've got to see my kids and I can't beg to do it. I have a right to it, and I'm not demanding it (yet).

[Odysseus]

Hey odysseus, I feel your pain as they are all too fresh, so big hugs to you! We could all do with a hug now and again!

 

If I could, might I direct you in the right direction on some of the issues I've noticed in your separation with your ex? They've helped me tremendously in identifying what my own problems were and what my ex's problems were. Hitting me in the face like a brick.

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

I sincerely hope they help! Sending you my blessings!!

 

Both of these articles were very good, and her description of the emotions and personality types are right on. I wouldn't mind finding other opinions like this to read.

 

Per my previous notes...I'm absolutely a recovering caregiver, and my family history could have been taken right from that article. My wife (which I already knew had borderline issues) as well could have been taken right from that BPD article. Funny how (according to the author), its pretty clear why I was so attracted to her. The love and loathing I went through. The perfect storm.

 

Really enjoyed this opinion. Thanks.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>Her answer? "I guess"

>>Now I don't know the real meaning behind this

 

You've got to get out of the mode of analyzing her every little word, detail, action. You are WAY too focused on her and the drama that goes on between you.

 

Start acting rather than reacting. So you made plans to go get your son? Just go get your son. Don't have conversations with her about deeper meanings or moods nor take the bait for any snipes etc. Quit playing that game with her. Just keep it businesslike and down to the details of the divorce arrangements and logistics to do with your children. Don't engage in any more emotional discussions etc.

 

You need to be winding this up, not extending the drama.

[Odysseus]

>>Her answer? "I guess"

>>Now I don't know the real meaning behind this

 

You've got to get out of the mode of analyzing her every little word, detail, action. You are WAY too focused on her and the drama that goes on between you.

 

Start acting rather than reacting. So you made plans to go get your son? Just go get your son. Don't have conversations with her about deeper meanings or moods nor take the bait for any snipes etc. Quit playing that game with her. Just keep it businesslike and down to the details of the divorce arrangements and logistics to do with your children. Don't engage in any more emotional discussions etc.

 

You need to be winding this up, not extending the drama.

Actually, after I thought about this conversation, I came to the same conclusion. I can only take what she says at face value, and not worry about hidden meanings, agendas, etc. I'm still learning.